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Domestic Violence Awareness. - Family (2) - Nairaland

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“domestic Violence Can’t Be Cured” – Woman As She Walks Out Of Her Marriage / 6 ways women can avoid domestic violence. / My Husband Beats Me With Cutlass; Targeting My Eyes- Domestic Violence Victim (2) (3) (4)

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Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by cococandy(f): 6:25pm On Oct 25, 2015
johnson232:

What do u mean by the bold? Or do u intend propagating a just message with a biased mind? Aren't u aware of the fact that considerable number of men are also subjected to domestic violence? If u are now encouraging women to partake in domestic violence with impunity in our schools, what becomes of the helpless men subjected to domestic violence?

I don't think that is what we should be telling our kids, that's bias. That way we are implicitly encouraging girls to engage in domestic violence with impunity.

'We should all shun domestic violence' should be the message we are imparting to our kids, not a lopsided one. Everyone should be chastised for instigating domestic violence, regardless of gender...
thank you.
Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by thorpido(m): 6:57pm On Oct 25, 2015
The biggest reason in Nigeria has to do with societal expectations.What will people say when I leave my marriage?
Anyway woman(or man)facing abuse should separate first.Find somewhere else to live while you evaluate the marriage.
The society should keep encouraging women to get empowered too.Sadly,a large number of women in Nigeria still see men as meal tickets.

2 Likes

Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by Kimoni: 7:02pm On Oct 25, 2015
kilode100:
Cococandy, hi.

Those that enjoy the beating and all, do they fall into the category of abused people?

cheesy grin grin cheesy

You are a clown...which of the beating do you enjoy? The bedroom one?

5 Likes 1 Share

Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by Captainswag225(m): 7:10pm On Oct 25, 2015
johnson232:

What do u mean by the bold? Or do u intend propagating a just message with a biased mind? Aren't u aware of the fact that considerable number of men are also subjected to domestic violence? If u are now encouraging women to partake in domestic violence with impunity in our schools, what becomes of the helpless men subjected to domestic violence?

I don't think that is what we should be telling our kids, that's bias. That way we are implicitly encouraging girls to engage in domestic violence with impunity.

'We should all shun domestic violence' should be the message we are imparting to our kids, not a lopsided one. Everyone should be chastised for instigating domestic violence, regardless of gender...
u are misunderstanding what i said,,, we all agree that domestic violence is bad and it shouldnt be condoned but in a situation where there is a disagreement btn a man and his wife and the wife attacks her husband. would u advice the man to hit his wife back? Its a no ryt? Thats what i meant. Such situations do happen whether u choose to admit it or deny it.....
Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by Captainswag225(m): 7:20pm On Oct 25, 2015
thorpido:
The biggest reason in Nigeria has to do with societal expectations.What will people say when I leave my marriage?
Anyway woman(or man)facing abuse should separate first.Find somewhere else to live while you evaluate the marriage.
The society should keep encouraging women to get empowered too.Sadly,a large number of women in Nigeria still see men as meal tickets.
not just in nigeria but in africa and the world, some women are always worried that people will see that her spouse beats her, they deny it when asked, they are also scared society will blame them for being at fault...... I agree with u totally, they should find the courage to leave for their own safety.....more awareness should be raised abt it and people should be encouraged to report any domestic abuse that is happening around them for they could be saving a life.
Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by Nobody: 7:32pm On Oct 25, 2015
@thorpido and captainswag225


Interesting topic / debate. #Following.
Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by Captainswag225(m): 7:34pm On Oct 25, 2015
Mindfulness:
@thorpido and captainswag225


Interesting topic / debate. #Following.
join in on e action. Whats ur opinion?
Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by Nobody: 7:44pm On Oct 25, 2015
Captainswag225:
join in on e action. Whats ur opinion?

EVERYONE should aspire to absolute non-violence. I can understand, however, that some people have a quick temper and will react immediately to such acts of provocation. It is human.

The best solution is to immobilize the attacker by holding her until she calms down and then to set very strict boundaries. A woman is less likely to have this possibility of immobilizing a man since she is more often than not weaker. She has to set very strict boundaries too but more importantly stay away from overly aggressive men who have not acquired important coping mechanisms.
Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by Captainswag225(m): 7:48pm On Oct 25, 2015
Mindfulness:


EVERYONE should aspire to absolute non-violence. I can understand, however, that some people have a quick temper and will react immediately to such acts of provocation. It is human.

The best solution is to immobilize the attacker by holding her until she calms down and then to set very strict boundaries. A woman is less likely to have this possibility of immobilizing a man since she is more often than not weaker so she has to set very strict boundaries too.
exactly......but i think sometimes those boundaries dont work...
Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by Nobody: 7:49pm On Oct 25, 2015
Captainswag225:
exactly......but i think sometimes those boundaries dont work...

Explain.
Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by Captainswag225(m): 8:02pm On Oct 25, 2015
Mindfulness:


Explain.
most abusers never change...... They will jux promise to change and abide by new rules never to abuse their partners again but as times on they go back to their same old ways and this time they become worst than before.
Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by Nobody: 8:12pm On Oct 25, 2015
Captainswag225:
most abusers never change...... They will jux promise to change and abide by new rules never to abuse their partners again but as times on they go back to their same old ways and this time they become worst than before.

You set boundaries to PROTECT YOURSELF and not to change some other person and in this sense boundaries do work.
But once you have established the boundaries, you must stick to them. If you do not, your abuse will get worse because you show him/her that you won't leave / call the police or your siblings or whatever anyway. You lose credibility and you show that some other person can disrespect you without facing consequences.
Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by Captainswag225(m): 8:23pm On Oct 25, 2015
Mindfulness:


You set boundaries to PROTECT YOURSELF and not to change some other person and in this sense boundaries do work.
But once you have established the boundaries, you must stick to them. If you do not, your abuse will get worse because you show him/her that you won't leave / call the police or your siblings or whatever anyway. You lose credibility and you show that some other person can disrespect you without facing consequences.
very very true, u know some victims tend to lose their guard once their abusers start showing a changed behaviour but at times it could be pretense..... In adding to what u said i think the guard of the victims should still be raised high even when abusers show slight signs of change.
Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by EfemenaXY: 8:26pm On Oct 25, 2015
Captainswag225:
u are misunderstanding what i said,,, we all agree that domestic violence is bad and it shouldnt be condoned but in a situation where there is a disagreement btn a man and his wife and the wife attacks her husband. would u advice the man to hit his wife back? Its a no ryt? Thats what i meant. Such situations do happen whether u choose to admit it or deny it.....

It should never get to the point where one or the other resorts to blows just to get their point(s) across. Not everyone can hold back when hit. For some, retaliation is an instant, reflex action - and you don't need to be told how dangerous this could be for the woman at the receiving end. All it takes is just one punch landing on the wrong spot, at that could be it for her.

Don't get me wrong, disagreements are bound to crop up in any relationship, but how it's handled is what counts - the true test of maturity more like.

When such a situation arises, one or both partners should immediately diffuse the situation by walking out. Don't slug it out till it gets to the point where tempers are running so high that blows get lashed out. Additionally, whoever throws the punch should be reported. I know in the UK, once the police get involved, the man would be taken out of the house and forced to cool his heels for the night in a cell. Having the possibility of a criminal record will definitely "help" him have a re-think of ever laying a finger on his spouse again, no matter the provocation, and has proven to be a deterrent for many would-be-domestically-inclined-abusers.

For what it's worth, I think it should work both ways - why? Because strange as it may sound to many, some men are, and can be the vulnerable ones in a relationship.
Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by Captainswag225(m): 8:33pm On Oct 25, 2015
EfemenaXY:


It should never get to the point where one or the other resorts to blows just to get their point(s) across. Not everyone can hold back when hit. For some, retaliation is an instant, reflex action - and you don't need to be told how dangerous this could be for the woman at the receiving end. All it takes is just one punch landing on the wrong spot, at that could be it for her.

Don't get me wrong, disagreements are bound to crop up in any relationship, but how it's handled is what counts - the true test of maturity more like.

When such a situation arises, one or both partners should immediately diffuse the situation by walking out. Don't slug it out till it gets to the point where tempers are running so high that blows get lashed out. Additionally, whoever throws the punch should be reported. I know in the UK, once the police get involved, the man would be taken out of the house and forced to cool his heels for the night in a cell. Having the possibility of a criminal record will definitely "help" him have a re-think of ever laying a finger on his spouse again, no matter the provocation, and has proven to be a deterrent for many would-be-domestically-inclined-abusers.

For what it's worth, I think it should work both ways - why? Because strange as it may sound to many, some men are, and can be the vulnerable ones in a relationship.
agreed but most at times the abusers then to be men tho it should work both ways like u said.......i think partners should know how to solve issues especially when one partner is quick tempered.
Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by EfemenaXY: 8:42pm On Oct 25, 2015
Captainswag225:
agreed but most at times the abusers then to be men tho it should work both ways like u said.......i think partners should know how to solve issues especially when one partner is quick tempered.

I wouldn't say "most times abusers tend to be men", bearing in mind that if a man's at the receiving end, he's unlikely to report to the authorities that he's the victim of domestic abuse. Why? Because many still see it as unmanly for a man to be in such a situation. Society expects him to "man" up and handle his domestic affairs like a man, albeit a tough man, so cases like these are hardly reported. Doesn't mean that they don't exist.

However, I do agree with your last sentence. It's all about addressing issues as logically as possible, with emotions kept aside. Difficult, but not unachievable.

2 Likes

Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by Captainswag225(m): 9:28pm On Oct 25, 2015
EfemenaXY:


I wouldn't say "most times abusers tend to be men", bearing in mind that if a man's at the receiving end, he's unlikely to report to the authorities that he's the victim of domestic abuse. Why? Because many still see it as unmanly for a man to be in such a situation. Society expects him to "man" up and handle his domestic affairs like a man, albeit a tough man, so cases like these are hardly reported. Doesn't mean that they don't exist.

However, I do agree with your last sentence. It's all about addressing issues as logically as possible, with emotions kept aside. Difficult, but not unachievable.
personally, whats comes to ur mind when u see a man who has been abused by his wife?
Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by EfemenaXY: 9:31pm On Oct 25, 2015
Captainswag225:
personally, whats comes to ur mind when u see a man who has been abused by his wife?

Be a bit more specific. What do you mean by the word "abuse"?
Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by Captainswag225(m): 9:33pm On Oct 25, 2015
EfemenaXY:


Be a bit more specific. What do you mean by the word "abuse"?
a man who has been attacked/injured by his wife.... What comes to ur mind?
Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by thorpido(m): 9:36pm On Oct 25, 2015
Captainswag225:
not just in nigeria but in africa and the world, some women are always worried that people will see that her spouse beats her, they deny it when asked, they are also scared society will blame them for being at fault...... I agree with u totally, they should find the courage to leave for their own safety.....more awareness should be raised abt it and people should be encouraged to report any domestic abuse that is happening around them for they could be saving a life.
I have a cousin who worked in the same office with the Skye bank lady that was murdered by her husband.She told me she came to the office sometimes with bruises and tried to explain it away when asked by colleagues.It was when she was murdered that they understood it had been domestic violence all along.I wonder why she stayed in that marriage even when she was the one taking care of the home financially.
Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by EfemenaXY: 9:41pm On Oct 25, 2015
Captainswag225:
a man who has been attacked/injured by his wife.... What comes to ur mind?

You mean physically abused?

Several things:

~ She can't be normal. Something definitely is loose upstairs and she needs help to address her mental / anger issues.

~ She shouldn't go unpunished whether she pleads / begs / promises that it'll never happen again. Such a woman should be reported to the authorities and arrested.

~ Violence begets violence. Just because Oga didn't retaliate now, doesn't mean he never will. What'll happen to her the day he 'snaps' and loses control? Additionally, that environment isn't healthy to raise kids up in. They'll grow up thinking violence is the norm and would eventually act it out on their partners because it's all they've ever known and don't know any different.

Do these answer your question?

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Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by Captainswag225(m): 9:42pm On Oct 25, 2015
thorpido:
I have a cousin who worked in the same office with the Skye bank lady that was murdered by her husband.She told me she came to the office sometimes with bruises and tried to explain it away when asked by colleagues.It was when she was murdered that they understood it had been domestic violence all along.I wonder why she stayed in that marriage even when she was the one taking care of the home financially.
sometimes, i dont understand it too, this cant be love. How can one continue to stay with an abuser and keep getting hurt and say its love.... I think victims should learn to make a choice btn their precious lives and what e society will think abt them...... If letting the society know they are being abused will save their lives then they should do so.
Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by EfemenaXY: 9:44pm On Oct 25, 2015
thorpido:
I have a cousin who worked in the same office with the Skye bank lady that was murdered by her husband.She told me she came to the office sometimes with bruises and tried to explain it away when asked by colleagues.It was when she was murdered that they understood it had been domestic violence all along.I wonder why she stayed in that marriage even when she was the one taking care of the home financially.

Societal pressures to stay married at all costs. Or garbage talk that if you leave and the man gets the kids, he'll marry someone else who'll definitely maltreat your kids (evil step mother stuff)

Society also frowns at divorced women and is unforgiving, irrespective of the circumstances that may have led to the split. I read somewhere that even landlords and employers tend to be biased towards such women when they find out she's divorced and automatically assume she's fair game - to their (unwelcome) advances.

1 Like 1 Share

Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by EfemenaXY: 9:48pm On Oct 25, 2015
Captainswag225:
sometimes, i dont understand it too, this cant be love. How can one continue to stay with an abuser and keep getting hurt and say its love.... I think victims should learn to make a choice btn their precious lives and what e society will think abt them...... If letting the society know they are being abused will save their lives then they should do so.

Great point. But who is society?

Is society not made up of other women as her? Women who'll seize every opportunity to castigate her as a "failure" for not being able to hold her marriage together? Are they not the same women who were once "friends" with her but suddenly feel she's now a threat (a.k.a potential husband snatcher) to their happy homes, thereby cutting off all links with her, at a time when she's vulnerable and needs their support the most?

2 Likes 1 Share

Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by Captainswag225(m): 9:49pm On Oct 25, 2015
EfemenaXY:


You mean physically abused?

Several things:

~ She can't be normal. Something definitely is loose upstairs and needs help to address her mental / anger issues.

~ She shouldn't go unpunished whether she pleads / begs / promises that it'll never happen again. Such a woman should be reported to the authorities and arrested.

~ Violence begets violence. Just because Oga didn't retaliate now, doesn't mean he never will. What'll happen to her the day he 'snaps' and loses control? Additionally, that environment is healthy to raise kids up in. They'll grow up thinking violence is the norm and would eventually act it out on their partners because it's all they've ever known and don't know any different.

Do these answer your question?
yep it does. Do u believe in second chance for abusers?
Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by EfemenaXY: 9:50pm On Oct 25, 2015
Captainswag225:
yep it does. Do u believe in second chance for abusers?

Yes and No.
Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by Nobody: 10:04pm On Oct 25, 2015
Captainswag225:
very very true, u know some victims tend to lose their guard once their abusers start showing a changed behaviour but at times it could be pretense..... In adding to what u said i think the guard of the victims should still be raised high even when abusers show slight signs of change.

Nobody should be on guard in relationships. If you feel on guard then you are in the wrong place. You sense danger and you should remove yourself from there. This is what I mean by setting healthy boundaries.

The discussion becomes more interesting when you look at a definition of domestic violence:

"Any incident of threatening behaviour, violence or abuse (psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional) between adults who are or have been intimate partners or family members, regardless of gender or sexuality."

http://www.domesticviolencelondon.nhs.uk/1-what-is-domestic-violence-/1-definition.html

Examples of abuse include:

name-calling or putdowns
keeping a partner from contacting their family or friends
withholding money
stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job
actual or threatened physical harm
sexual assault
stalking
intimidation

http://www.domesticviolence.org/definition/



Abuse does not only include physical violence as shown in the videos - which made me feel sick for a moment lipsrsealed - but also the behaviors described above.For many people it is pretty clear how much physical violence they can take but it becomes more difficult for them to explain where they would set boundaries regarding other forms of abusive behavior.
Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by thorpido(m): 10:23pm On Oct 25, 2015
EfemenaXY:


Societal pressures to stay married at all costs. Or garbage talk that if you leave and the man gets the kids, he'll marry someone else who'll definitely maltreat your kids (evil step mother stuff)

Society also frowns at divorced women and is unforgiving, irrespective of the circumstances that may have led to the split. I read somewhere that even landlords and employers tend to be biased towards such women when they find out she's divorced and automatically assume she's fair game - to their (unwelcome) advances.
So true @ bolded.Society believes if she's divorced,then she's not a good woman and a patient one.
Many landlords don't want to let out their houses to divorced women also because they assume they are unstable.

2 Likes

Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by Captainswag225(m): 10:27pm On Oct 25, 2015
EfemenaXY:


Great point. But who is society?

Is society not made up of other women as her? Women who'll seize every opportunity to castigate her as a "failure" for not being able to hold her marriage together? Are they not the same women who were once "friends" with her but suddenly feel she's now a threat (a.k.a potential husband snatcher) to their happy homes, thereby cutting off all links with her, at a time when she's vulnerable and needs their support the most?
well society can let people down at times but there are other support groups that victims could go to for help rather than keeping it to themselves.
Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by EfemenaXY: 10:28pm On Oct 25, 2015
thorpido:
So true @ bolded.Society believes if she's divorced,then she's not a good woman and a patient one.
Many landlords don't want to let out their houses to divorced women also because they assume they are unstable.

My points precisely.

Divorcees need support. Unfortunately, that's the last thing our judgmental society would offer such people.
Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by thorpido(m): 10:30pm On Oct 25, 2015
Captainswag225:
sometimes, i dont understand it too, this cant be love. How can one continue to stay with an abuser and keep getting hurt and say its love.... I think victims should learn to make a choice btn their precious lives and what e society will think abt them...... If letting the society know they are being abused will save their lives then they should do so.
This lady's dad confessed after her death that he knew his daughter was being abused and had spoken to her severally to leave the house but she kept assuring him that he would change.
Re: Domestic Violence Awareness. by Captainswag225(m): 10:30pm On Oct 25, 2015
EfemenaXY:

Yes and No.
why yes and no?

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