The reason I brought this to the family section instead of the more popular Romance session is because I need the views of people who are actually married, or have been married.

So, she's a very dear friend but only recently did I discover how much she's been suffering in silence.

She's been dating her man for over 3 years now and they've hardly ever had any issues; he's a good man and she has never had to worry about him cheating.
She knows he'll make a good husband, and admitted this when I asked. He's focused, serious minded and responsible. He has asked to marry her about 8 months ago. But she's been using school as an excuse. Telling him to wait till she graduates (she's in her final year in the university)

Here's the challenge however, she feels no passion for this man, in her own words "my heart is not in this relationship"
And to make matters worse, there's someone else she has feelings for, whom has even asked her out but she politely turned down.

This issue has been making her lose sleep. She has never attempted double-dating or cheating on him. She likes and respects her man and does not want to hurt him.
I've heard people say "marry whom loves you and not whom you love", I dunno if that works, I've never been married and would hate to give my friend an advice that'd ultimately bring her regrets.

So, please, dear married people.
Did does that work? Marrying someone you don't love. Do you grow to love the person eventually or something? (mind you its been over 3 years now and she still hasn't grown to love him)
People say marriage isn't about feelings, but about commitment, responsibility and mutual respect. How true is this.

Please advise.

If marriage isn't abt feeelings den she may be making a huge mistake... If she cannot come to terms to love a nice responsible caring man, I duno whoelse she will fall in love with!

That man should have sensed her reluctance. If he goes on to marry her he will suffer emotionally. She should tell him the truth in plain terms and leave.

....I'll tell you this much; is she marries the "good man", she may not grow to love him, but if she marries the one "she loves" and he is "not good", she will grow to hate him...

It appears "your friend" lacks understanding of the basis for a sound long-term union. She should free that good man whilst she figures it out.

All the best.

TV

Cutehector:
If marriage isn't abt feeelings den she may be making a huge mistake... If she cannot come to terms to love a nice responsible caring man, I duno whoelse she will fall in love with!

She admitted she has feelings for another person, but hasn't dwelt on that. She respects her man and has been faithful nonetheless.

But are you saying it's up to her to somehow make herself develop feelings for this man?
If yes, how does someone make him/herself love another?

TV01:
....I'll tell you this much; is she marries the "good man", she may not grow to love him, but if she marries the one "she loves" and he is "not good", she will grow to hate him...

It appears "your friend" lacks understanding of the basis for a sound long-term union. She should free that good man whilst she figures it out.

All the best.

TV

Thank you,
But could you please shed some wisdom on bold part?
Are you married? What are the things that truly count in these long term unions?
If she's misguided, a few words from someone more enlightened could save her years of pain

AfroKnight:
That man should have sensed her reluctance. If he goes on to marry her he will suffer emotionally. She should tell him the truth in plain terms and leave.

Hmmm... never saw it from that angle.

frisby:


She admitted she has feelings for another person, but hasn't dwelt on that. She respects her man and has been faithful nonetheless.

But are you saying it's up to her to somehow make herself develop feelings for this man?
If yes, how does someone make him/herself love another?

she is d problem here... Her inability to love someone wholeheartedly is d problem. If she says she has feelings for the other guy, then why hasn't she made up her mind yet? If she doesn't love d first guy, dats understandable, if she is playin wid d second guy den she is d problm.



Aside dat, love comes slowly so she should take it easy.

Cutehector:
she is d problem here... Her inability to love someone wholeheartedly is d problem. If she says she has feelings for the other guy, then why hasn't she made up her mind yet? If she doesn't love d first guy, dats understandable, if she is playin wid d second guy den she is d problm.



Aside dat, love comes slowly so she should take it easy.

As I said, she's confused as to what the right decision would be.
Besides she doesn't want to hurt her man.
She wouldn't hesitate to marry her man if she thinks there's at least a 70% chance she'll grow to love him.

So why did she date him for 3 years? I hope she didn't realise this after squandering his money. There is no point marrying who you don't feel passion for, marrying your friend is not enough, he has to be your lover too. Marrying a man you feel nothing for will frustrate you. No matter how much he loves you, he can never please you.

Forever is a long time to attempt sharing with someone you aren't crazy about.

Y did it take her 3yrs to figure this out, I pity d goodman whose heart is abt to be shattered after believing he has found a wife for yrs. I hope this is not abt the new dude doing better financially.

Last shot what is keeping her in dt rship is just pity for d poor dude. She can't marry out of pity d4 she shld explain to d poor guy so dt they can both move on.

Warning for dude : whenever a girl u r dating says she must graduate b4 marriage make arrangement for plan B so u dnt end up like this dude

Please leave that good man some girls are dying to have him

How does one even go out with someone one doesnt feel any passion for
There must be something there that attracts you to someone before you agree to date them

She may end up never "feeling" the guy and they will only be very miserable and susceptible to extra marital affairs.
Please let her free the man and let the man find someone who will love and want him totally warts and all.

Also either she is a very good actress or he has his head in the sand, otherwise how wont you know that your woman is not feeling you for 3 whole years.
Either way its not good and they need to be honest with each other.
Marriage is not a 3 year degree program but a lifetime of waking up beside the same person everyday
You need to feel the person o!

Difficult to advise. Seems she is the prpblem here. She's dated a guy for 3 years without having any "feelings" for him. She has "feelings" for someone else and still turned him down when he asked!! wow!!!

Seems she needs to first ask herself what the snot she wants. She needs to be brutally honest with herself when she asks that question too. Some first grade soul searching. Of she can clear that up, then she can ask herself if she can live with herself after taking a decision.

She doesn't know what She wants.maybe when She finishes nysc she'll know what She wants. EOD!

LewsTherin:
Difficult to advise. Seems she is the prpblem here. She's dated a guy for 3 years without having any "feelings" for him. She has "feelings" for someone else and still turned him down when he asked!! wow!!!

.

This was done solely out of loyalty to her man. And she's staying loyal to her man because he has been very caring and patient with her.

tearoses:
How does one even go out with someone one doesnt feel any passion for

Well I guess it sometimes start out as saying yes just so the pestering will cease, and afterwards remaining because you feel indebted to him for all he has invested in you.

Kachisbarbie:
I've heard people say they started loving their partner(s) after marriage_ I guess that was after seeing the good in the person at close range and constantly.
One thing I am sure of is, at a point it becomes more about understanding and tolerance, that initial spark/love would dwindle_ it would need to be rekindled, but before then (@ rekindling) understanding and tolerance would suffice.
I am not ruling out LOVE though, very very important.

So do you think the absence of sparky feelings isn't enough reason to say No to a marriage proposal, considering she already feels respect and appreciation towards him?

I dunno about friendship and all that though because she says "he's not romantic and doesn't play with me"

Do you think that as a woman, knowing your man truly cares for you and will stay faithful is enough to stay in a marriage?

ogawisdom:
Y did it take her 3yrs to figure this out, I pity d goodman whose heart is abt to be shattered after believing he has found a wife for yrs. I hope this is not abt the new dude doing better financially.

Last shot what is keeping her in dt rship is just pity for d poor dude. She can't marry out of pity d4 she shld explain to d poor guy so dt they can both move on.

Warning for dude : whenever a girl u r dating says she must graduate b4 marriage make arrangement for plan B so u dnt end up like this dude

@ bottom bold part... haba bro. This is just a unique case.
@ first bold part.... I think I agree with this part.

frisby:
Thank you,

You are welcome, hopefully.

frisby:
But could you please shed some wisdom on bold part?

I can try, the real question is can you properly handle it?

frisby:
Are you married? What are the things that truly count in these long term unions?

Yes I am - and that affects your friends marriage dilemna how exactly?

frisby:
If she's misguided, a few words from someone more enlightened could save her years of pain

Here goes; words of wisdom will be all but wasted on your friend. Until she forms a considered view of what marriage is and what it entails, she will not truly appreciate the qualities of a worthy partner, appreciate them and then set herself to - as love is indeed an act - desire and fall in love with someone who possess those characteristics.

She is basically just a child, tossed around by indeterminate emotions and feelings. She is not ready for marriage. She needs instruction - and perhaps discipline - not wisdom.

She will marry unthinkingly and then come here to be claiming "abusive marriage" to heartfelt solidarity from divorce campaigners. Like an "abusive marriage" is something one orders online - go to BuyRght sef, you'll find a "buy one get one free".

I'm not in the mood - perhaps you should have gone to the romance section !


TV

^{...one day I may reconsider my view that most women would benefit from their fathers and family elders helping arrange their marriages - maybe one day}

Something as simple as this is an issue,TELL HER TO TELL HER BOYFRIEND 'THE GOOD MAN' WHAT SHE JUST TOLD YOU.IT'S THAT SIMPLE

@ TV01, you know, I sincerely wish you had answered this question for the benefit of all. Remember that argument the ladies had with you guys on the boys thread was centered around this same subject and right here, we have a real life situation. Fortunately, the deed (marriage) has not been done yet.

She's got a good man she loves and adores but she doesn't love him, yet she can vouch he will make a good husband; maybe she dated him for 3 years thinking the love will grow. It's difficult to fault this except the time frame is too long but anyways, the love did not grow and now, she needs to take a decision cuz it's time to move to the next level.

Should she choose safety (assurance of a good marriage) over love or take the risk to further search/wait for someone else who she will not only love but will also be a great marriageable guy. It's a real dilemma young people face everyday.

Personally, as much as I believe you should love who you are getting married to, it gets complex when you are advising someone to let go of a great guy you don't have feelings for in search of someone (often imaginary)you would love and also tick the boxes.

Kimoni:
@ TV01, you know, I sincerely wish you had answered this question for the benefit of all. Remember that argument the ladies had with you guys on the boys thread was centered around this same subject and right here, we have a real life situation. Fortunately, the deed (marriage) has not been done yet.

She's got a good man she loves and adores but she doesn't love him, yet she can vouch he will make a good husband; maybe she dated him for 3 years thinking the love will grow. It's difficult to fault this except the time frame is too long but anyways, the love did not grow and now, she needs to take a decision cuz it's time to move to the next level.

Should she choose safety (assurance of a good marriage) over love or take the risk to further search/wait for someone else who she will not only love but will also be a great marriageable guy. It's a real dilemma young people face everyday.

Personally, as much as I believe you should love who you are getting married to, it gets complex when you are advising someone to let go of a great guy you don't have feelings for in search of someone (often imaginary)you would love and also tick the boxes.

I am really looking forward to what TV01 will say about it.

As far as I am concerned I do not think that anyone should marry if (s)he is not 100% convinced that (s)he wants to marry a particular person.
If you can't find the person you are 100% sure you want to marry, you better do not marry at all. My two cents.

if the man brings another girl into that house by pretense for instance, the love she thought was not there will be sparkling or sharking her again, some girls doesn't really want or like something they got and they won't let another girl have that thing they don't really want.

Her problem was that she discovered that her man is no longer mysterious to her. she can easily predict what he can or cannot do. for instance she knows he cannot cheat on her etc. that alone makes her super relaxed and got nothing to fight for......

I wish the man will know this and rekindle that dying flame of love they both got eg by walking her out of the house sometimes, cooking in front of her and not giving her to eat. just some mystery.....

Kimoni:
@ TV01, you know, I sincerely wish you had answered this question for the benefit of all. Remember that argument the ladies had with you guys on the boys thread was centered around this same subject and right here, we have a real life situation. Fortunately, the deed (marriage) has not been done yet.

She's got a good man she loves and adores but she doesn't love him, yet she can vouch he will make a good husband; maybe she dated him for 3 years thinking the love will grow. It's difficult to fault this except the time frame is too long but anyways, the love did not grow and now, she needs to take a decision cuz it's time to move to the next level.

Should she choose safety (assurance of a good marriage) over love or take the risk to further search/wait for someone else who she will not only love but will also be a great marriageable guy. It's a real dilemma young people face everyday.

Personally, as much as I believe you should love who you are getting married to, it gets complex when you are advising someone to let go of a great guy you don't have feelings for in search of someone (often imaginary)you would love and also tick the boxes.

THANK YOU ...
Thank you so much.

Thank you all.

I personally have learned a lot from here.

So much wisdom in such a short thread.
Thank you all.

Non sense. Been a mystery easily predictable.please tell her she is not mature for marriage simple. She does not know what love is, dopamine is trying to confuse her brain. I have said it times without number love is foundation not emotional feeling. If u build ur marital life on feelings it will come nose diving to d ground I guarantee. For you to tie d knot settle down and ask urself as a lady what is love, what is romance. I want to take my time to flog this s stuff and contribute my own here. LOVE people say its a feeling.... Wrong and totally wrong its not, if we look at love in the real contest love is God and God is love Agape if you are a Christian and u have to understand this from Gods perspective what love is, he did not say his love is feeling and on the strength of Gods love he commanded the man to love his wife. The God kind of life is sacrificial its what Paul explain 1corinthian13. Its on the strength of this love a home is to be build. This love is sacrificial, its a choice its a commitment, its that impartation of Gods nature to a man who truly wants to love a woman to commit to her for the rest of his life. And we also have the ROMANTIC LOVE, eros which is passionate love, sexuality, romantic, flower, chemistry and the rest. This kind of love is driven by passion and I mean sexual passion. Sadly many people have come to conclusion this is love and they build the foundation of a lifetime on this why dopamine is active and beclouds your sense of reasoning and weighing things in the proper perspective. Our youth have stayed on this type of love and have gotten their hearts broken and shattered. I am not saying a degree of chemistry is not needed to eventually come to conclusion whom to date all I am saying is its not potent enough to sustain a marriage that is not build on genuine love. No matter how butiful a gal is, no matter how handsome a dude is Eros is not strong enough to build and award winning marriage. The matured married people know this. Who told you love can not grow. Atimes attraction could be deceitful and make us loose out on the best we are suppose to have in life been clouded by Eros, which often is lust passionate desire for sex and sexuality. I have been with ladies I have chemistry with attracted to sexually but could nat married them becos of character flaw, does that mean I can not love them of despite there character flaws off course I can but I have to choose and grow in love if i want to love them . I have to resolve to be committed to them and grow in love. For this person she has an imprint in her heart and if it does not match it she is not attracted to him, some its money mostly, some is fame, some is profession, some is intellect, some is 6 pack. As long as it does not match what you have in mind passion can never develop for him. If love is not tested it is not trusted, for me I believe you can grow to love someone you are 50% attracted to and to fall in love with them if they have good character and qualities. As a lady her own is to position herself to be loved and receive love and not to keep on saying she does not feel anything after 3 years for him. Simple she has shut her mind off him and nothing the guy will do to please her and win her over to marriage until she matures and wake up to what love is. I just pity the guy. Once a gal tells me I don't feel anything I share d grace and wish you well. I hope next time I won't see u in church at 36 looking for any one to just say hi.

Kimoni:
@ TV01, you know, I sincerely wish you had answered this question for the benefit of all. Remember that argument the ladies had with you guys on the boys thread was centered around this same subject and right here, we have a real life situation. Fortunately, the deed (marriage) has not been done yet.

I did answer - kindly actually - and I don't recall the particular discussion you are referring to? Feel free to quote on the BNO thread.

Kimoni:
She's got a good man she loves and adores but she doesn't love him,

You managed to contradict yourself and the OP in half a sentence...you know I have high expectations of you !

Here's the challenge however, she feels no passion for this man, in her own words "my heart is not in this relationship"

Kimoni:
yet she can vouch he will make a good husband; maybe she dated him for 3 years thinking the love will grow. It's difficult to fault this except the time frame is too long but anyways, the love did not grow and now, she needs to take a decision cuz it's time to move to the next level.

I said I was kind - as I only called her immature - the truth is, like most women (and it's something I wish men would grasp) she is simply being strategic. And she dated him for 3 years because it was a relationship that served her well. Now she is wondering if she should stick or spin for something better. She is likely hedging her bets, if she had a guaranteed move, she'd ditch him like a pair of holey slippers.

She is well aware of all his great qualities and readily admits he'd make a certified gold-plated husband - and she knows he's after a wife. If she "has no passion for him" and "her heart is not in the relationship", she should have freed him as a matter of integrity way before 3 years. Even if it was just to test how she fared without him.

How long is she going to stall? Will she ultimately decided to go through with it and find it was a mistake - especially if something better appears - before or after? Then we will be hearing stories of loveless/abusive marriage that she was coerced into .

Kimoni:
Should she choose safety (assurance of a good marriage) over love or take the risk to further search/wait for someone else who she will not only love but will also be a great marriageable guy. It's a real dilemma young people face everyday.

It can only work as outlined if she is able to commit wholeheartedly and unflinchingly. I don't think very many men or women can do that without the requisite "feeling". Indeed, she already has feelings for someone else - are these feelings a mere crush, infatuation or properly developed feelings?

And being unable to commit as required leaves the door open to all sorts of potential issues, from infidelity, to her treating him as unworthy or taking him for granted - he doesn't deserve that and she doesn't deserve him

Kimoni:
Personally, as much as I believe you should love who you are getting married to, it gets complex when you are advising someone to let go of a great guy you don't have feelings for in search of someone (often imaginary)you would love and also tick the boxes.

I wouldn't quibble if she could love as in commitment, believing that with that, love as in feeling will follow. But not for one who cannot be certain that she will not develop feelings for others - as she has, or even develop a real sense of appreciation and affection for him after 3 years - which she hasn't


Ladies please stop reading here; this is for my men.

Men, when you are after a wife, especially when you are a principled man of sound character, and even more so if you are a Christian, you shouldn't be allowing your relationships to meander aimlessly, or letting feelings dictate your actions.

You should at all points know how the relationship is progressing, what you are working towards and how you stand with the woman. And you should be acutely aware of the position through both direct and indirect communication.

A woman that respects you and appreciates your qualities will be set on pleasing you, and almost certainly desirous of being your wife. No bones about that. If she is not - no matter how you feel about her, you shouldn't be seriously thinking of wifing her, and after a suitable period - and certainly not 3 years - you should move her on post-haste.

All the qualities she has mentioned here are good, but mostly solid beta traits. In all likelihood, if the alpha traits of attraction were ever present, he has neutered those by lavishing her with time and affection, without demand or expectation. Don't be mugus, don't be saviours, don't be desperate, don't be "plan b" - be men and take responsibility!


TV

Mindfulness:


I am really looking forward to what TV01 will say about it.

As far as I am concerned I do not think that anyone should marry if (s)he is not 100% convinced that (s)he wants to marry a particular person.
If you can't find the person you are 100% sure you want to marry, you better do not marry at all. My two cents.

I agree - 100% commitment.


TV

Personally I believe in love. Very much. And I believe that if you have an idea of what a good marriage would be according to your books, then someone who possesses all those qualities you want in a partner would be easy to fall in love with.

If After 3yrs she doesn't feel anything for him but according to her, he has all those great qualities, then maybe she doesn't even know what kind of marriage she's hoping or aspiring to have hence the confusion.

Maybe she should let him be.