[size=18pt]Rexaxe Vs Heywhizzy[/size]

Topic: My Hood.
You're to write about the general life situation in your hood - doesn't matter whether it's a true story or a fictitious story. The hustle and struggle to become a somebody amid various obstacles. You just do your thing your own way. I need you to add some swag in it too.

Criteria
Rhymes - 2

Flow - 1

Creativity - 2

Imagery - 2

Consistency on Topic - 3

Vocabulary - 2

*Explanation of how a person won and where both can improve would be appreciated.

Rules:
No recycling, biting, complaining, whining, swaying, free-posting or being a biitch in general.

12 bars Maximum = 24 Total Lines.

Due Date: Wednesday, December 2nd, 2015.

Time: 6:00PM

Good Luck!!!

Another no show?

Not a no-show.. how can the thrend be open the day am surposed to post

my verse is ready on my PC.. on mobile Atm .. but when heywizzy shows up ..we can post right ..( thats how its done here right!?)

ill post before 1

Awaken by shots .. first sight is the clock .. 5:30 .. /
I .. Slide the curtains| .. through the window .. All I see tho .. Is a sky with nothing| .. No clouds .. Just the sound .. Of .. Nines bursting .. /
another .. Day on the block .. some niggers prolly died .. On the .. Side walking .. /
days later theyll be inside coffins .. /
This is my hood .. Where daily .. Techs are sprayed .. / the sky is a mirror reflecting the darkness beneath, .. The light kept away ../ streets aint safe.. death .. is a step away ../riots, violence, sirens, minors left astray ../
The question is .. / how are we to make it through .. A hood .. Where there aint no .. Men but beasts ../ preachers getting killed .. Screaming repent your sins ../
Youths walk the streets dressed in rags .. No swag .. Too busy tranna fend to live ../
niggers joke with everything .. But that dough!!.. /diss me!! .. But my money!?.. Anything but that yo ../ sell crack, break the law like biscuit .. E sweet .. We risk it .. Anything for that dough!! ../ gurl be hanging with miniskirt .. Ready for anything for that dough!! ../ a day old bby .. Being sold by her mom.. Anything for that dough!! ../
My neighbour walks 6 miles to walk everyday... E be like .. Anything for that dough!! ../ kids fliping coins on the streets .. Gambling .. Anything for that dough!! ../
Anything for that dough!!! ../
E bo easy!!
'dead broke' but 'staying alive../
its engraved in our minds ../ we'll make it in life ../hood mentality.. even if it means we gotta be slaves to survive ../





sir krone ..plz rate ..your advice would be appericiated

work*

hey girl, im quite sad i've got to leave

from the way i've packed my bags, it'll be insulting to deceive

you, after all the love i received, I believe
you'll fair well without me.

I met you on the morn, or was it the dawn, of January Sixteenth, since then it's been a decade and eight years

a learning process, something my young mind could barely process

i've seen you go from gold, to silver

after tapping the good in you, the others left, i seen you shiver

i tell my friends you're the worst, but deep within the love is serious

we've both seen the ladies running, searching for the missing period

like bad grammar correction

this art of rap, you're the one who thought me

the rough upbringing thought me what to do when niggas fought me

brought me to the conclusion; Swing till there's nothing left in me

now these niggas question me..
i tell em i was taught by a queen,

i heard you wept, when u heard another had left
im pained too, but a nigga has gotta to do something for food

but till then i'll still tell these niggas, welcome to my hood.

Obesemf wrong thrend ooo...lol

Thread closed. Rexaxe wins via no-show and proceeds to next stage.

Any areas for improvement for this guy?
Cc:
Sinizia
Guykhena
Adanna28
Reyginus
Funlord

kr0ne:
Any areas for improvement for this guy?
Cc:
Sini.zia
Guy.khena
Adan.na28
Reygi.nus
Funlo.rd

Rexaxe, nice drop. My advice for you is to completely eliminate the use of "excessive dots" to space your bars/writtens all the time. They were littered in every single line of yours and made your drop tactless and flowless. Learn to minimize it to once in a quatrain or remove it entirely.

Rexaxe? This your poem is more like a braggadocio street single from your yet to be released 'new york' album! "Nines busting? And techs are sprayed?" For naija? I don't believe it! Its not bad but the 'originality factor' and the 'poetic flow' was missing from your bars!

You could have scripted the events in your hood with more depth too, we've seen this format too many times in normal battles but at least you were consistent but these your 'dots' tire my eyeballs small!

You may have won via a no show, but when you come up against a 'proper poet' in the subsequent rounds you may be in for a nasty suprise! Go for more depth and unique metaphors in your next poem! Shalom!

Best graph:

"This is my hood .. Where daily .. Techs are
sprayed .. / the sky is a mirror reflecting the
darkness beneath, .. The light kept away ../
streets aint safe.. death .. is a step away ../"

Mvgt; rexaxe!!!

Nice one, Rexaxe.

Your flow, rhymes, consistency and vocabulary are okay. I am not very okay with your metaphors. Yes, we know you are speaking about your hood but you should have been more creative with some of your lines.

Instead of saying 'preachers getting killed screaming repent your sins' you should have tried 'Golgothans maimed..the word returns in their mouths'..I don't know if you get me? Each line should be something you'd hear and say: I never thought of it that way.

Another line: 'Even if we had to be slaves to survive'. The slave is a simple every day word. What if you had used something like chains to represent slave? Something like: Wrap the chain around us we've got our minds around us'. You get it right?

This line here' the sky is a mirror reflecting the
darkness beneath, .. The light kept away':The sky is blue or are you talking about Global Warming? Or are you about the disagreement existing as cloud particles move in the sky? Possibly. But then behind the mystery of any poetry exists a pane through which clear vision is achieved. Though deep your message should be clear.

You did a good job.

Edit: I just saw the light kept away now in that sky line. There's nothing wrong with it then .

Cc: Sinizia Reyginus Funlord

i sooooo appriciate your advices. ill correct my flaws n improve. thanks

the sky is a mirror reflecting the
darkness beneath, .. The light kept away

NP

Nas - one mic

Rexaxe first off I like your verse reminds me of a song the way you constructed it with the repetition of " anything for that dough!"

Flow was nice, metaphors are a bit generic on the point of cliche, but Krone did say you could make it fictitious and I visualized the imagery well.

If anything my critique would be to follow Krone advice in the topic with the synopsis of talking about the struggles in your hood, but also making something out of yourself.

You listed the imagery and the struggles in the hood but you didn't elaborate how they made it out of those struggles.

I get the gist about the money, but what motivated them to move their yansh to make that money? What the drive n hustle that makes that one person different from the rest?

To be " somebody" and push the hustle u may go to the extreme, but even poverty has a story to tell and a mindset to get out of it.

Branch out the story more dear, list the struggles but also the ways they overcame them.

I think of Biggie Juicy in this regards when he says “We used to fuss when the landlord dissed us
No heat, wonder why Christmas missed us,
Birthdays was the worst days,
Now we sip champagne when we thirst-ay,
Uh, damn right I like the life I live
'Cause I went from negative to positive, And it's all good”