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Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Politics / How To Be A Clueless President, By Femi Aribisala (1015 Views)
Is Buhari Nigeria’s Last President? - By Fredrick Nwabufo (The Cable) / Buhari’s Bodyguards Weep & Protest Over "Hijacking Of The President By Cabals" / Nigeria: From One Clueless President To Another Clueless President? (2) (3) (4)
How To Be A Clueless President, By Femi Aribisala by justurch(m): 8:57pm On Jan 29, 2016 |
In six years of Goodluck Jonathan’s
presidency, the opposition told us again and
again the man was “clueless.” It made sure
the tag stuck to him like glue. But now we
have a new sheriff in town, with the APC
claiming to be better at everything than the
PDP. While that might still be subject to
debate, there is overwhelming evidence that
in the cluelessness department, the PDP is
certainly no match for the APC.
Here is a compendium from the APC textbook
of cluelessness, provided within barely one
year in office. If you want to know how to be
a clueless president, this is the APC blueprint.
Blame Game
Instead of giving Nigerians the change you
championed, give them excuses. Blame
Goodluck Jonathan for everything, including
the harmattan. Whenever you make a
blunder, pass the buck to the former
president. If there is petrol shortage, blame it
on Goodluck Jonathan. If the budget is dead
on arrival, blame it on Goodluck Jonathan.
In the middle of an economic crisis, promise
to provide Nigerians with free education; free
meals daily for millions of Nigerian public
school-children; free tertiary education; free
health-care and free houses. Facing a drastic
drop in Nigeria’s income, declare you will be
giving grants of $1.5 billion a year to Nigeria’s
poor. When you fail to deliver on any on these
highfalutin promises, blame it quickly on
Goodluck Jonathan.
Blunders
Forget the name of you vice-presidential
running-mate. Call him Yemi Osunbade
instead of Yemi Osinbajo. Tell President
Obama the name of your political party is the
All Nigeria’s Peoples’ Congress when it is All
Progressives Congress. Call your party on CNN
the All Progressives Confidence.
Tell Al Jazeera INEC means Independent
Nigerian Electoral Commission instead of
Independent National Electoral Commission.
Even though West Germany ceased to exist in
1999 and the current German president is
Joachim Gauck, refer to German Chancellor,
Angela Merkel as “President Michelle of West
Germany.”
Destroy INEC by turning it into a National
Commission for Inconclusive Elections. Go to
the United Nations and give rousing speech
about fighting Boko Haram, then fail to attend
the crucial meeting on Boko Haram at the
same U.N. session. Tell the Americans the
Chibok girls were abducted from their “hotels”
instead of their “hostels.”
Tell Nigerians there is nothing like petroleum
subsidy. Then as president, announce the
removal of the non-existent petroleum
subsidy. Claim Jonathan diverted $700 million
from the $1.1 billion Chinese loan for the
Lagos/Kano rail project when only $400
million was earmarked for Lagos/Kano rail.
Announce that foreign exchange can now be
paid into domiciliary accounts without
specifying if depositors will be allowed to
withdraw them.
Anti-corruption rigmarole
Declare that you will kill corruption in Nigeria
while being surrounded and bankrolled by
corrupt politicians. Then invite those with
corruption allegations hanging over their
heads into your cabinet. Maintain: “Jonathan’s
ministers stole 150 billion dollars.” But fail to
prosecute them for stealing $150 billion. Tell
Nigerians $2.5 billion was stolen by the PDP
through Dasukigate, but charge people to
court for stealing no more than $100 million.
Believe that trying members of the PDP for
corruption on the pages of newspapers
amounts to waging a serious war on
corruption and is a substitute for national
economic policy. Say: “We cannot build an
economy where corruption is the working
capital.” Then declare to no effect that
recovered stolen monies will be used to
revamp the national economy.
Insist Abacha never stole any money, and
then probe the PDP for the mismanagement of
the non-existent Abacha loot recovered from
abroad. Fail to recognise that with the official
exchange-rate at N198 to $1, while the parallel
market rate is $305 to $1, you have created
the widest parallel market margin ever
recorded in Nigeria’s history of Nigeria and
laid the foundation for widespread corruption
in the banks.
Accuse the opposition of using public funds to
finance its election campaign, but fail to
disclose where you got the money to finance
your own very expensive election campaign.
Claim to be so cash-strapped, you had to
borrow N27.5 million to pay for the
presidential nomination papers of your party;
then state in your assets declaration that you
have N30 million in your bank account.
Commend INEC for running the ostensibly free
and fair election that brought you to power;
then challenge in court every election
conducted by the same INEC that your party
lost.
Contradictions
Claim you inherited an empty treasury in spite
of the over $30 billion left in our foreign
reserves. Say you met no money in the
treasury, then spend N2.2 billion on a four-
day junket to the U.S. with no agenda and
with nothing achieved.
Say: the federal government of Nigeria is: “the
biggest Boko Haram.” Then become the head
of the federal government of Nigeria. Declare
grandiloquently: “I belong to everybody and I
belong to nobody.” Then say: “The
constituents (that) gave me 97 percent cannot
in all honesty be treated on some issues with
constituencies that gave me 5 percent.” Say
you belong to everybody but ensure that your
personal aides are virtually all Northerners.
Say: “I bear no ill will against anyone on past
events. Nobody should fear anything from me.
We are not after anyone.” “There will be no
paying off old scores. The past is prologue.”
Then send EFCC dogs after Elder Godsday
Erubebe.
Say: “I pledge myself and the government to
the rule of law, in which none shall be so
above the law that they are not subject to its
dictates, and none shall be so below it that
they are not availed of its protection.” Then
seek to replace the rule of law with the rule
of fear. Go on national television and tell
Nigerians you will not be obeying the courts
in the cases of Dasuki and Kanu. Interfere in
the judicial process by publicly declaring your
enemies guilty without trial.
Tell Christiane Amanpour on CNN that you
will defeat Boko Haram within two months if
elected. Then say you did not say so. Declare
that you will defeat Boko Haram by the end of
December 2015, then say you only meant to
defeat it “technically” after it unleashes
mayhem on Maiduguri while you were busy
celebrating its fictional defeat.
Say: “Boko Haram is a typical example of small
fires causing large fires. An eccentric and
unorthodox preacher with a tiny following
was given posthumous fame and following by
his extra judicial murder at the hands of the
police.” Then send troops to massacre
hundreds of Shiites in Zaria. Involve Nigeria
in a Middle Eastern regional struggle between
Saudi Arabia and Iran by joining the Saudi led
anti-terrorist coalition. Open the door for
wider terrorist attacks on Nigeria by killing
Shi’ites in the North while the Saudis execute
Shi’ite mullahs and prisoners in Saudi Arabia.
Prosecute avoidable wars on several home-
fronts: against Boko Haramites in the North-
East; Shi’ites in the North-West; Biafrans in
the South-East; and Niger Deltans in the
South-South.
Nonsensical policies
Grind the country to a halt by making
yourself Sole Administrator of Nigeria for six
months. Squander your vital first 100 days in
office doing absolutely nothing; while
receiving cheers as “Baba Go-Slow.” Present
“body language” as a substitute for policy.
Ensure that over N5 trillion is wiped off the
Nigerian Stock Exchange within six months of
your coming to office.
Promise: “I will stabilise global oil price.”
Then watch as the oil price tumbles from $50
to $28 within eight months of your
presidency. Also ball-watch as the naira
tumbles to a record-breaking N305 to one
dollar.
Declare when the country is broke: “I will
provide one meal a day for children in public
primary schools.” “I will make direct cash
transfer of 5,000 naira to the 25 million
poorest and most vulnerable citizens.” Propose
through your Minister of Science Fiction to
create 3.4 million jobs in Nigeria in 2016
through the production of pencils. Plan to
have 365 cultural festivals 365 days a year
under your Ministry of Culture.
Shout “chanji, chanji” while a large chunk of
your party-members are turncoats from the
same PDP that ruled the country for the last
16 years. Refer to ministers as noisemakers
then establish a Cabinet of ministers. Take six
months to choose a cabinet then come out
with old cargoes. Tell Nigerians you delayed
appointing ministers because you were
looking for saints and angels, then appoint
many known devils. Say: “The corrupt will not
be appointed into my administration.” Then
appoint those with corruption allegations
hanging over their heads.
Delight in putting square pegs in round holes.
Make Kayode Fayemi, who has a Ph.D. in War
Studies, Minister for Solid Minerals instead of
Minister of Foreign Affairs. Make Professor
Anthony Anwukah, a professor of Education
and a former vice-chancellor a Junior Minister
to a journalist, Adamu Adamu, in the Ministry
of Education. Make Solomon Dalong, a former
Assistant Inspector of Prisons the Minister of
Youth Affairs and Sports. Make Muhammadu
Bello, who headed the National Hajj
Commission for eight years, FCT Minister.
Budgeting
Propose a N6 trillion budget in 2016 for a
nation that failed to meet revenue estimates
of N4 trillion in 2015. Predicate this on
borrowing N2.2 trillion, which requires N1.2
billion daily to service.
Benchmark your budget on the price of oil
being $38 in 2016, making it dead on arrival
with the oil price falling to $28 within a
fortnight of your budget presentation. Fail to
anticipate that, once sanctions against Iran
are lifted, the oil price will go further down
as Iranian oil is added to the international oil
glut. Allocate N40 billion to look for oil in the
North-East in the middle of an oil glut when
Nigeria needs to diversify from oil.
Within the framework of a drastic cut in
Nigeria’s income, raise the budget for Aso
Rock from N6.6 billion in 2015 to N18 billion
in 2016. Earmark N3.6 billion for the purchase
of several BMW saloon cars! Budget N1.75
billion for feeding in Aso Rock in 2016 when
Jonathan only budgeted N530 million in 2015.
Allocate only N29 billion to the Ministry of
Agriculture, while earmarking N39 billion for
the Ministry of Information and Culture.
Present the budget to the National Assembly
without first scrutinising it. Present the
budget with fanfare, then send someone to
steal it from the National Assembly. Present
the budget, then withdraw it after reading it.
Remember this: when the budget fails, blame
it on Goodluck Jonathan! 7 Likes 3 Shares |
Re: How To Be A Clueless President, By Femi Aribisala by INTROVERT(f): 9:02pm On Jan 29, 2016 |
wlli cmemnot wehn terhe si surcoe. |
Re: How To Be A Clueless President, By Femi Aribisala by Nobody: 9:03pm On Jan 29, 2016 |
Truth be told Buhari appears clueless. If something appears so then it is most likely so. 2 Likes |
Re: How To Be A Clueless President, By Femi Aribisala by stebell(m): 9:09pm On Jan 29, 2016 |
Mr Femi making sense since 1960. Buharist, over to you peeps. Watching in HD hw the children of anger wud rain insults on the man rather than counter the points he raised. Btw, my Governor Wike has won. Rivers people are happy for the judgement. 3 Likes |
Re: How To Be A Clueless President, By Femi Aribisala by EHMIR(m): 9:15pm On Jan 29, 2016 |
INTROVERT:diju type dat in hindu or pigin french 1 Like |
Re: How To Be A Clueless President, By Femi Aribisala by EHMIR(m): 9:17pm On Jan 29, 2016 |
Witout cert baba still clever pass dr clueless |
Re: How To Be A Clueless President, By Femi Aribisala by justurch(m): 9:20pm On Jan 29, 2016 |
Lalasticlala. We have come again. I challenge the best of the die hard APC/PMB die-hards to come up with a counter thread. hit like if u believe they can't come up with one, hit share if u think otherwise 3 Likes |
Re: How To Be A Clueless President, By Femi Aribisala by justurch(m): 9:23pm On Jan 29, 2016 |
INTROVERT: sorry o bros, I forgot, here it is http://blogs.premiumtimesng.com/?p=170738 thanks for reminding me |
Re: How To Be A Clueless President, By Femi Aribisala by justurch(m): 9:25pm On Jan 29, 2016 |
INTROVERT: sorry about that, here it is http://blogs.premiumtimesng.com/?p=170738 thanks for reminding me |
Re: How To Be A Clueless President, By Femi Aribisala by justurch(m): 9:26pm On Jan 29, 2016 |
INTROVERT: sorry about that, here it is http://blogs.premiumtimesng.com/?p=170738 thanks for reminding me |
Re: How To Be A Clueless President, By Femi Aribisala by eleko1: 9:28pm On Jan 29, 2016 |
Clueless post .. Lamentation of a wailer .Whether ARIYIBISALA like it or not,baba DAURA TILL 2023 . 1 Like |
Re: How To Be A Clueless President, By Femi Aribisala by temitemi1(m): 9:30pm On Jan 29, 2016 |
Our certificateless president keeps junketing... 1 Like |
Re: How To Be A Clueless President, By Femi Aribisala by kernel501: 9:41pm On Jan 29, 2016 |
APC is super clueless at this point. |
Re: How To Be A Clueless President, By Femi Aribisala by talktimi(m): 10:30pm On Jan 29, 2016 |
Buhari is a clueless kindergarten president who has set this country on the worst downward spiral we have ever seen as a nation post civil war. ARGUE WITH YOUR ANCESTORS 1 Like |
Re: How To Be A Clueless President, By Femi Aribisala by Ahmeduana(m): 5:47am On Jan 30, 2016 |
Speechless3:CLUELESS OR DOROO MEGA SUPER CLUELESS! 1 Like |
Re: How To Be A Clueless President, By Femi Aribisala by Ahmeduana(m): 5:54am On Jan 30, 2016 |
justurch:THE BROOM WAVING ZOMBIES WILL NEVER DISAPPOINT, SURELY THEY WILL COME WITH ANOTHER BIGGER MEGA SUPER CLUELESS ATTACK ON THE PERSON OF MR ARIBISALA INSTEAD OF PRESENT A CLEAR LOGICAL AND REASONABLE ARGUMENT, BUT THEY WON'T, BECAUSE THEY LACK SUCH INTELLECTUAL CAPABILITIES, THEY ARE NOTHING MORE THAN ZOMBIES. 1 Like |
Re: How To Be A Clueless President, By Femi Aribisala by Ahmeduana(m): 5:58am On Jan 30, 2016 |
eleko1:SEE THEM THEY'VE START RAISING THEIR UGLY HEAD ONE BY ONE! 1 Like |
Re: How To Be A Clueless President, By Femi Aribisala by Ahmeduana(m): 6:00am On Jan 30, 2016 |
kernel501:you forget to put DOROO MEGA! |
Re: How To Be A Clueless President, By Femi Aribisala by 989900: 8:31am On Jan 30, 2016 |
How old is Aribisala? #rantsofatoddlerornagginghousewife |
Re: How To Be A Clueless President, By Femi Aribisala by oladele239(m): 8:49am On Jan 30, 2016 |
I hope this makes fp....op you tried o ...for every good buhari promised you researched an odd |
Re: How To Be A Clueless President, By Femi Aribisala by kYjelly2: 9:20am On Jan 30, 2016 |
men, see finishing I still remember when bubu said, "I will stabilize the oil market", chai! he also said "what is subsidy?" na wa oh am still waiting for fashola to be interviewed by efcc sha, that 78 million Maria website will not be forgotten |
Re: How To Be A Clueless President, By Femi Aribisala by kYjelly2: 9:24am On Jan 30, 2016 |
bubu is clueless sha, can I hear u say WEST GERMANY chai! Osunbade? my goodness this is beyond clueless then he said you can't expect those who gave me 95% to be treated same way with those who gave me 5%, even after he said he belongs to everybody.... clueless apc should have waited to use the clueless tag on pmb instead of gej, now all that's left is to tag him: THE DULLARD OF DAURA |
Re: How To Be A Clueless President, By Femi Aribisala by kYjelly2: 9:27am On Jan 30, 2016 |
do u guys remember when tinubu said buharis first 100 days is his honeymoon period someone that has been soaking dogs and baboons in blood to get the presidency, finally got it and is honeymooning truly, the dullard is from daura, no offence to my good daura peeps, but there is a dullard in ya midst |
Re: How To Be A Clueless President, By Femi Aribisala by gbengaizzHe: 9:40am On Jan 30, 2016 |
Blah blah blah blah blah blah.. Femi Aribisala? Blah blah blah blah blah |
Re: How To Be A Clueless President, By Femi Aribisala by tranxo(m): 6:56pm On Jan 31, 2016 |
Speechless3:lol |
Re: How To Be A Clueless President, By Femi Aribisala by poshestmina(f): 7:07pm On Jan 31, 2016 |
Better than to be 'clueless ' than being super clueless and disoriented |
Re: How To Be A Clueless President, By Femi Aribisala by 201320142015ob(m): 8:01pm On Jan 31, 2016 |
just change your name to Buhari |
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