Hi all,
Just a little advice needed please.
Been married to a nigerian man for near a year (I am british) and we have a son. Before we married he had cheated (although I forgave him, but it did cause problems), he has always also been very stingy where money is concerned, but when I met him I understood lack of going out and gifts because he had little money.

In our marriage we have endless arguments, he is very stubborn, tends to think he is always right (even when not) and highly critical of even the littlest things. I have met his family, his mother has stayed with us on occasions when visiting and she is very supportive and lovely.

Finances as a married couple have been difficult as he seems to begrudge not being to be able to afford to travel and spend money on himself as our money is needed to support our family.

Recently we split and have been living separately as things were getting too bad, but I do love him and I believe he me and would like to make things work. We are talking now of sorting things out, but it has been so long since things have been good that I am wondering if they can be.

I have been trying to think of the good times but then the other night I found a diary from about 6 months in our relationship, which was describing him as being cold, distant and critical of me, the same things as he is now, which worries me that perhaps this side of him has just become more pronounced now we are married and he'll never change.

It is not just me who has been discussing divorce, he also has said that it can't go on like this as he really wants a family and if I can't put things right well he can find someone else who will.

I hate to generalise but are his characteristics typical of nigerian men, don't get me wrong he does have a loving, caring side (when he wants) but he is just very hard, he sees me as british as having had an easy life compared to his nigerian experiences and so shows no tolerance when I am upset at things because he sees them as trivial.

Its been so hard as I do love him so much and really don't want to end our marriage, any advice on how to handle him or this situation.

angelbart:

Hi all,
Just a little advice needed please.
Been married to a Nigerian man for near a year (I am British) and we have a son. Before we married he had cheated (although I forgave him, but it did cause problems), he has always also been very stingy where money is concerned, but when I met him I understood lack of going out and gifts because he had little money.

In our marriage we have endless arguments, he is very stubborn, tends to think he is always right (even when not) and highly critical of even the littlest things. I have met his family, his mother has stayed with us on occasions when visiting and she is very supportive and lovely.

Finances as a married couple have been difficult as he seems to begrudge not being to be able to afford to travel and spend money on himself as our money is needed to support our family.

Recently we split and have been living separately as things were getting too bad, but I do love him and I believe he me and would like to make things work. We are talking now of sorting things out, but it has been so long since things have been good that I am wondering if they can be.

I have been trying to think of the good times but then the other night I found a diary from about 6 months in our relationship, which was describing him as being cold, distant and critical of me, the same things as he is now, which worries me that perhaps this side of him has just become more pronounced now we are married and he'll never change.

It is not just me who has been discussing divorce, he also has said that it can't go on like this as he really wants a family and if I can't put things right well he can find someone else who will.

I hate to generalise but are his characteristics typical of Nigerian men, don't get me wrong he does have a loving, caring side (when he wants) but he is just very hard, he sees me as British as having had an easy life compared to his Nigerian experiences and so shows no tolerance when I am upset at things because he sees them as trivial.

Its been so hard as I do love him so much and really don't want to end our marriage, any advice on how to handle him or this situation.

I always say. . .A leopard never looses its spots. . .If you notice any behavior in your partner while dating. . .and he/she isn't willing to change while you both dating. . .what gives you the assurance that such a partner would change when you both married. . . 

If I were you I would have taken note of these signs back in the dating days and taken action back then. . .

But I guess mistakes happen. . .and what makes us strong is our ability to learn from those mistakes. . .

My advice to you. . . you know where the shoe pinches. . .if you know you won't be able to wear/tolerate the pinch. . .then take off the shoe! but if your willing to tolerate the pinch then goodluck with that!

No his characteristics are not typical of the Nigerian man, any man of any nationality can exhibit those. I agree with Thonia Slim,if you can't take it then leave. Marriage is to be enjoyed not endured. I don't mean to sound negative but it's very hard to change a person. Unless that person decides to change and actually does it then there's no hope of change. It can be hard especially with a child in the picture but you need to think of what you want and what you can put up with and make a decision. Wish you all the best.

You knew his nature before you married him.
I have a feeling from what you have described that this is a good guy but he is on a completely different plane from you. These things really matter in relationships as do culture. Love, does not and can not, sustain a marriage. . .this is why so many of your kind of marriages break down easily.

You can either put up with all of that or move to someone who can relate better with you.

What more can be said?

All that has been said before me is true.

All that can happen now is someone else that is a dating a man a or a woman can read your story and understand that their partner will not change after marriage.

marriage is a serious commitment and should not be entered into lightly. You should evaluate your partner and properly vet them during the time that you date. If they are not a good fit then you should move on quickly, and never say I do.

You have already married him. so you change to fit him or leave. That is all you can do at this point.

And no it is not just Nigerian men that act this way and mine never has.

Am just wondering if he married you just to get his stay and that now that he has it he's finding an excuse to dump you and marry his real sweetheart back home.

manmustwac:

Am just wondering if he married you just to get his stay and that now that he has it he's finding an excuse to dump you and marry his real sweetheart back home.

LWKMD! It is a possibility,you never know but address the issue and offer advice/suggestions.

You made a vow before God and you have a child - don't you think you should try just a little bit harder?
Seems to me that you are throwing in the towel without breaking a sweat.

I think a common mistake we all make is believing that irritating traits and/or negative aspects of our partners will somehow disappear into the distance once we are married. Sadly, they get worse instead!

You've said that his tightness, distance and cold manner make it hard for you to live with him. What would he say about you? Perhaps you should remove the log from your eye,

I am a hopeless romantic and always pray that love will find a way

p.s. it has nothing to do with him being Nigerian.