Tom wanted to inquire about his pregnant wife by mistake he dialed a cricket stadium number
tom:"how is it going?"
stadium owner: " nothing to worry all four are out and last one was a duck"

A man checked into a hotel in Australia. There was a computer in his
room,so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally
typed the wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent
the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting
messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed
into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen
which read:

To : My Loving Wife
Subject : I've Arrived
Date: May 27 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now,
and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived
and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is
as uneventful as mine was.

P.s It is damn hot down here !!

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"

"No."

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.

"That's not my dog."

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I cum once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I cum again and pee twice. Then I cum one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives, ”

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella "Mississippi'."

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Telstra guy wants to buy Mum

a blonde was sitting in the bus.
the music was loud so she thought it was safe to fart.
when she got off the bus, she realized she was listening to her ipod.

Another Chance


One day a big group of blondes met in New York to show the world that blondes aren't dumb.
They begged: "Ask any of us any question, and we will show you that we're not dumb."

The group caught the attention of a passer by, who volunteered to ask them some questions. He climbed up on a car and randomly picked a blonde out of the crowd.
She got up on the car too and the man asked: "What is the first month of the year?"
The blonde responded: "November?"

"Nope," said the man. At this point the crowd began to chant, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

So the man asked: "What is the capital of the U.S.A ?"
The blonde responded: "Paris?"
So the crowd began chanting again: "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

The man said: "Okay, but this is the last one. What is one plus one?"
The blonde replied: "Two?"

“Give her another chance, Give her another chance." screamed the crowd

I love this joke alot.


Two muffins are baking in an oven.

The first muffin says to the other, "Geez, it's really gettin' hot in here."

And the second screams, "OMG!! A talking muffin!!"

a elderly woman went into church late on a sunday morning and sat down. the priest said to the congregation if any of ye have committed adultery recently stand up now.
the woman was a little hard of hearing and asks her neighbour what did he say ? the neighbour said if any body wants a mint stand up now. so the woman stands up and the priest was outraged at your age he said. and to which she replies well i might be old but i like some thing to suck on from time to time

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.

One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills.

He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are.!"

A Man is driving down a country road and sees another man tried to a fench with his pants down. The man stops and asks the other man what happened. He replies "Two farm boys beat me up tied me to the post and had there way with me". The man who stopped starts upbuttoning his pants and says "well buddy, this just aint your day"

There was a guy who just started his career as a detective. He got into his office, then someone knocked on the door. To make himself look impressive, the detective picked up the phone and pretended to talk to a person for a while, then he hung up and went to the door. "As you can see, I'm very busy, what are you here for?" the detective asked.
The guy at the door said, "Hooking up the phone."

Blind man walks into a supermarket swinging his guide dog round his head.
Manager says "Excuse me sir can I help you?"
"No, it's OK I'm just having a look around."

Nice Jokes, Crude.

thanks cbase. more to come

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year
old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting
home?, they asked.

Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
project said Tommy.

The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.

Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went
after school.

We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.

What did you watch? asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments. Answered Tommy.

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,
knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, I am
sorry I lied.

We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.

I'm ashamed of you Son, said John. When I was your age, I
never lied to my parents.

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse
right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears.

Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad
with Tommy.

After all, He is your son!

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her
three times.

Letter from a penis.



Dear Management,

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1- I do physical labor
2- I work at great depths
3- I plunge head first into everything I do
4- I do not get weekends or public holidays off
5- I work in a damp environment
6- I don't get paid overtime
7- I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
8- I work in high temperatures
9- My work exposes me to contagious diseases


Dear Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

1- You can not work 8 hours straight
2- You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
3- You do not always follow the orders of the management team
4- You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations
5- You do not take initiative -- you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
6- You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
7- You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective gear
8- You will retire well before you are 65
9- You are unable to work double shifts
10- You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task
11- And if that were not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags


Sincerely,
The Management

Mr. and Mrs. Wong go to adopt a Caucasian baby. When they go in front of the judge, the judge says that they can't adopt the baby. When they ask why, the judge says, "two wongs don't make a white."

John was lonely and so he decided life would be more
fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the
owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some
discussion, he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug),
which came in a little white box to use for his house. He
took the box home, found a good location for the box, and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar
for a drink,

So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you
like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?'
Silence; there was no answer from his new Pet. This
bothered him a bit, waited a few minutes, and then asked
him again, 'How about going to the bar and having a beer
with me?' Again, there was no answer, nothing but silence
came from his new friend and pet. So, he waited a few minutes
more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time. This time, putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's
place and have a beer with me?

A little voice came out of the box: I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fuckin shoes on!

A wife came home from work early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Understandably, she was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

Her husband replied, "Hang on just a minute luv, I can explain what happened."

"You can try", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the soup I made for you last night, the soup that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured three bowls in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has the same pair."

Then he took a quick breath and pressed on - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please , Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

A Russian, and a blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, “We were the first in space!” were the first on the The blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!” The Russian looked at her and shook his heads. “You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!” said the Russian. To which the blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."

A smart @$$ guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

I just remembered this from a movie

Person 1: Racist, i am not racist.
Person 2: How do you know?
Person 1: Cause i have black and white tv.

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street,
the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?"

The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK then, come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a damn Chihuahua??

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
And by the way, Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

Hypothetically and Reality

A boy asks his dad: "Dad, what's the difference between a hypothetical and reality?"

So his dad says: "That's hard to explain. Go ask your mother if she'd bang the mailman for a million dollars."

The boy runs upstairs and asks, "Mom, would you bang the mailman for a million dollars?"

"Hell, yes!" she replies. The boy runs back downstairs. "Dad, she said she would." His dad replies, "Now go ask your sister if she'd bang her math teacher for a million dollars." The boy runs back upstairs.

"Would you bang your math teacher for a million dollars?"

"Hell, yeah!" she says. The boy runs back downstairs,

"Dad! DAD! She said 'hell, yeah!'"

"Okay, you see son, hypothetically we're sitting on a couple of million but in reality we're just living with a couple of whores."

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

Crude Oil:

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would Be Intimate with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to Be Intimate with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to Be Intimate with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must Be Intimate with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for backdoor so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about Being Intimate with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

LMAO

i appreciate. I lost myself and 4got dat i ve somthing to do. Thank u.

Lovely jokes. @Fennels,same thin happend 2 moi, lol