bukatyne:


So what did you do/ what should women do?

Share and let others learn.

In my family, bride price is not collected. The husband is given an engagement list of things he needs to bring. The wife's family gives the husband's family gifts and handles the entertainment.

I know it is the elderly men in the bride's family that decides the BP.

cc: misreal

I told my father that I am against any sort of list or bride price. I explained the dangers to him in today's world. We debated and he came to my side. He declared no list or bride price, we simply did the ceremony and used the funds saved to build a life together

Eketem:
Even if it is 10kobo in local lingo they say " he has paid for your head"

What you fail to realise is that, not every woman's head was paid for.

Some families don't collect BP, some return it, yet this doesn't stop the men from misbehaving.

What's being discussed here has so little to do with BP and so much with how men are perceived/individuals.

sweetcocoa:
What you fail to realise is that, not every woman's head was paid for.

Some families don't collect BP, some return it, yet this doesn't stop the men from misbehaving.

What's being discussed here has so little to do with BP and so much with how men are perceived/individuals.

Again I ask what is the significance of this in modern day? Our fore fathers did it for a reason, why are we still doing it?

Eketem:


Again I ask what is the significance of this in modern day? Our fore fathers did it for a reason, why are we still doing it?

It is tradition and tradition like you already know, is passed down from generation to generation for reasons that often don't make sense, so I can't tell you specifically why a certain people want to keep doing it.

Now what I'm saying is, not everyone follows this tradition. Where I come from, nobody cares about BP as it is solely your father's decision.

This issue of bride price prompts me to ask this question: 'Does a woman really owe her inlaws any obligation?'
I observed that getting married into some families as a lady is just an induction into slavery and not a wedding ceremony as it appears to be. For instance, when the family has a party, it is expected that the wives in the family fulfill certain duties.e.g cooking, even when caterers can be hired. This sort of thing happens even when the woman's family doesn't place financial obligation on their own son.
Could payment of bride price be responsible for this kind of treatment? Personally, I believe that such things should be done voluntarily as the man will only give to his inlaws if he wishes or if he is capable.

bukatyne:


What you have here is still couples who are somewhat into the traditional thingy.

What do you think of this:

Men need to be driven to provide i.e. once a woman feels no problem contributing when necessary/ split the bills, the husband slacks and is reluctant to provide.

I don't think this statement is true for every man as people are different, it's all about who you married.

bukatyne:


So what did you do/ what should women do?

Share and let others learn.

In my family, bride price is not collected. The husband is given an engagement list of things he needs to bring. The wife's family gives the husband's family gifts and handles the entertainment.

I know it is the elderly men in the bride's family that decides the BP.

cc: misreal

my dear this issue of bride price is one of the causes of domestic violence but not in all cases.for instance,if you buy a car worth twenty million dollars,arnt you suppose to cherish it and take good care of it?since u paid to own her,y dont u take care of her.but this is not the case.bride price should be stopped and proper VALUES instilled into children.because if a man sees women generally as slaves and finally gets married to a woman without paying a dime,he sees you as CHEAP SLAVE.i hope u get my drift

Quintee:
This issue of bride price prompts me to ask this question: 'Does a woman really owe her inlaws any obligation?'
I observed that getting married into some families as a lady is just an induction into slavery and not a wedding ceremony as it appears to be. For instance, when the family has a party, it is expected that the wives in the family fulfill certain duties.e.g cooking, even when caterers can be hired. This sort of thing happens even when the woman's family doesn't place financial obligation on their own son.
Could payment of bride price be responsible for this kind of treatment? Personally, I believe that such things should be done voluntarily as the man will only give to his inlaws if he wishes or if he is capable.

Payment of BP is not responsible for anything as there are no laws which state that, cos you are married, you must do all of your in-laws bidding.

It is just that women have been expected to behave a certain way due to gender discrimination and they have been accepting it for as long as we can remember, although not every woman will keep quiet, I certainly won't do what I'm not comfortable with, just cos in-laws expect me to and believe me, nothing will happen(if you married the right man).

sweetcocoa:
It is tradition and tradition like you already know, is passed down from generation to generation for reasons that often don't make sense, so I can't tell you specifically why a certain people want to keep doing it.

Now what I'm saying is, not everyone follows this tradition. Where I come from, nobody cares about BP as it is solely your father's decision.

We can argue and defend this from today till next millienum but if we are serious about equality and abolition of traditional gender roles then we should start from the bride price very few men who pay for " a woman's head" will accept any equality with the woman or even agree to share traditional roles. Infact when a woman earns some of these men can claim she and everything she earns belongs to them.

If we are serious about equality then we should revisit these traditions that makes us hired or purchased properties.

Till then so many men won't take us seriously.

misreal:
my dear this issue of bride price is one of the causes of domestic violence but not in all cases.for instance,if you buy a car worth twenty million dollars,arnt you suppose to cherish it and take good care of it?since u paid to own her,y dont u take care of her.but this is not the case.bride price should be stopped and proper VALUES instilled into children.because if a man sees women generally as slaves and finally gets married to a woman without paying a dime,he sees you as CHEAP SLAVE.i hope u get my drift

See my problem is the word " Cheap" why should a woman's value be monetised?

There is nothing wrong with traditional roles in the family, in fact it was very ideal back in the days when women did nothing other than bread and care for the home. But in today's society it's impossible considering the fact that the economy is not helpful at all.

Again I say till we face up to our own roles in promoting traditions that subtly encourage inequality we won't achieve much.

Imagine a situation where a man and a woman enter into a marriage with both of them on equal footing, they both pay for the wedding, there is no bride price.

They both agree on bills and share bills Then it would be a given to share domestic roles also.

Forget all the social media English, a man who pays a woman's bride price especially those expensive ones expects so many things in return as value for money. That is the beginning of inequality.

We women no dey like truth especially if thr fingers are pointing back

sweetcocoa:
Payment of BP is not responsible for anything as there are no laws which state that, cos you are married, you must do all of your in-laws bidding.

It is just that women have been expected to behave a certain way due to gender discrimination and they have been accepting it for as long as we can remember, although not every woman will keep quiet, I certainly won't do what I'm not comfortable with, just cos in-laws expect me to and believe me, nothing will happen(if you married the right man).

Good. It still boils down to societal expectations and the role of WOMEN in such issues cannot be over- emphasised. It starts from child upbringing and also supporting each other as women. I once mentioned my stance on this issue to an elderly woman and she sounded so disapproving. Imagine if her married daughter refuses such treatment, she will take sides with her inlaws and insist that her daughter performs her 'marital' roles to the family'. In turn, if she would expect her son to bring home a woman that will be more of an 'extended family slave' than a wife to her son. So, you see that women are not even helping matters.

TooNoisy:

Thank you for this great response. It is very obvious the OP is childish and probably has marital issues for constantly boring us with this stupid topic.
@OP, kindly share how it is done in your home please. Are roles clearly defined in your home? We want to learn.

Okay this is unfair and undeserved. We all have different opinions and learn from each other calling the OP childish is not very nice.

I have a different view from some women here and we have been arguing with respect to each other, calling someone childish and insinuating she has marital issues because of this topic is not nice.

Creamish:


@bolded.... Surrogacy takes care of it.

Noo, mine won't be outsourced oo.. will have my kids myself

Eketem:
Some men want traditional women some women want traditional men. They should find each other get married and save us all this plenty debate jare.

Some women will die before they let their husbands cook or even change a diaper while some men will object to their wives contributing to family upkeep.

Modern women should be modern through and through this starts with rejection of the payment of bride price. A man practically buys a woman from her family and community in some areas, I saw one list almost a million or more self, he has to pay the whole community to marry the woman, some women would be flattered by that not understanding the significance of the process. A man who pays all that and does all the list thing would have some sort of feeling of ownership, he is expecting a woman who will play traditional roles not after paying and spending that much to have a woman shouting equality.

We women have to start from the Genesis of the inequality ; rejection of bride price and wedding list. The man has also been trained by his parents, what then is the justification of paying her family off to marry her? A marriage both of them are supposed to enjoy and build together.


I have heard women say they can only support their family at their discretion same way men would say they can only support in house work at his discretion too

It is a two way streak. If a couple wants to have some level of equality then start from the beginning, share bills and share roles.

Two grown adults should sort their marriage issues out.

y
The plain truth .You have just said it all. In my former neighborhood the women made so much fun of my husband for helping me out especially when they see him hanging out the laundry which I washed they also called him a woman wrapper, my hubby loved shopping and also dressing up our little girl in fact he buys all her clothes and a woman called me aside and told me am not wise for allowing my husband do all the shopping cos I would not have any extra cash especially during Christmas when all other women usually hammer well I didn't blame them cos they are all sit at home mum as they usually call themselves. Sometimes we women are the architect of our own misfortune. And the most pitiable thing is that their men lord over them, I feel sorry for them. I ran into one recently she had just taken a teaching job and she confessed that her husband now respects her cos she now contribute to the family. I tell you its only when I come to nairaland that I see topics like this out there in the real world many women I have come across are very comfortable with the idea that the man is the Lord and master. Until the woman gives herself respect and become an asset and not a liability then we will keep talking about this. Can't imagine a so-called stay at home mum who spend all day watching telemundo while the husband is out there hustling still expects the husband to help out in the name of equality.

Eketem:

Again I ask what is the significance of this in modern day? Our fore fathers did it for a reason, why are we still doing it?

Brideprice may not be of any significance, I agree... but saying it's a justifiable reason to why some men treat women as properties is just so absurd. ..

So because he paid some amount of money to some elders in your village, your rights as human have been stripped? He has completed acquired you and can treat you anyhow he deems fit? Really don't get you. .. not like anyone forced him to pay whatever . .. Brideprice in some places is as low as #100, so

A man who loves and respects you would treat you right regardless of how much he spends for your marriage rites. .. PLEASE LADIES, ANY MAN THAT FEELS HE CAN TREAT YOU ANYHOW HE WISHES BECAUSE OF SOME BRIDEPRICE YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT DOESN'T LOVE YOU. .PLEASE DON'T MARRY SUCH A MAN

Then, about abolishing brideprice. .go to a village and talk about that, the men are even the ones that oppose it, saying they paid brideprice to marry their wives so their in laws must pay brideprice too... if men are burdened by brideprice, they know what to do!

Considering your marriage, you were lucky to marry a good man and not cos he didn't pay your brideprice. ..

bukatyne:


Women do not collect their bride price, it is paid to the men (for people who collect); some cultures do not collect BP or return it.

In Yoruba land, the wife's family spends more.... should we say Yoruba men are not modern?

Women do am from Kalabari in Rivers State my bride price was handed over to me on the day of the traditional rite I still remember the women telling to put it in my handbag and spend it on anything I like not to talk about the big box of different wrappers which I don't even use and some families charge as high as 200k amidst other things/money for family members no wonder our men always feel like lords after the marriage.

PresVA:
Noo, mine won't be outsourced oo.. will have my kids myself

No greater joy dear....

PresVA:
Brideprice may not be of any significance, I agree... but saying it's a justifiable reason to why some men treat women as properties is just so absurd. ..

So because he paid some amount of money to some elders in your village, your rights as human have been stripped? He has completed acquired you and can treat you anyhow he deems fit? Really don't get you. .. not like anyone forced him to pay whatever . .. Brideprice in some places is as low as #100, so

A man who loves and respects you would treat you right regardless of how much he spends for your marriage rites. .. PLEASE LADIES, ANY MAN THAT FEELS HE CAN TREAT YOU ANYHOW HE WISHES BECAUSE OF SOME BRIDEPRICE YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT DOESN'T LOVE YOU. .PLEASE DON'T MARRY SUCH A MAN

Then, about abolishing brideprice. .go to a village and talk about that, the men are even the ones that oppose it, saying they paid brideprice to marry their wives so their in laws must pay brideprice too... if men are burdened by brideprice, they know what to do!

Considering your marriage, you were lucky to marry a good man and not cos he didn't pay your brideprice. ..

We can scream from today till next year if we don't start at the basics then we will never get it right.

Stop being bought like cattle if you don’t want to be owned and possibly maltreated.

You don't want to stop the tradition of men buying wives but you want to stop inequality. How can you be equal to someone who bought you

Eketem:



I told my father that I am against any sort of list or bride price. I explained the dangers to him in today's world. We debated and he came to my side. He declared no list or bride price, we simply did the ceremony and used the funds saved to build a life together

I read all your posts on this thread till this point and eventually found what I was looking for.

The absolute truth is that no woman here would have been so comfortable having your opinions if they didn't do this before they got married, or if they're not planning to do as you did when the time comes (for the unmarried ones).

It's easy to see how a guilty person argues by trying to rationalize how it's the men that take the money or how it's just N5 naira bride price in some cultures...bla bla blabbity bla !!

At the end of the day, was a wedding/bride list not given to the groom and is he not expected to fulfill it?
Why is the bride not also given a list of things to buy for the man's uncles, aunties, kin, villagers, etc?

I'm not implying that doing all this makes the man feel he owns his wife, but by the time shiit hits the fan, all most men gon' be thinking is 'how dare this woman?'.... and that's what the subconscious does - the simplest gestures can be planted and it will steadily grow into a tree of motivations for and reasons why.




Ermmm, I kinda noticed that no one has liked any of your posts so far starting from the first....
Truth does irritate and sting.

sweetcocoa:
Bride price is not reason for a man thinking he owns a woman(these days atleast), religion is.


How much is this bride price that we no go hear word for? It's even ordinary one naira in some places sef.

Plus, it's not like the woman gets any share in the said BP, so why should any man think to put his wife through hell because he gave some villagers small change? Some men don't even pay any monies, some married the women on credit yet they treat these women like trash.


Since time immemorial, we've been hearing that women were made for men, just what do you think that tells the men?

Be like Eketem.

Tell your daddy and uncles not to collect any money or draw up any list on top say pesin wan marry you, and make sure you pay for your own expensive wedding dress plus half the fee for the dreamy reception venue... no be all dis one wey you dey make noise upandan.

crackhaus:

Be like Eketem.

Tell your daddy and uncles not to collect any money or draw up any list on top say pesin wan marry you, and make sure you pay for your own expensive wedding dress plus half the fee for the dreamy reception venue... no be all dis one wey you dey make noise upandan.

That one is settled since na, I don already tell am and as far as I'm concerned, I don't need any dreamy reception venue as I don't want any of those usual wedding things, just go to a registry, get joined by the courts and I'm done.

If I ever have a reception, its cos the nigga wants one.

Quintee:

Good. It still boils down to societal expectations and the role of WOMEN in such issues cannot be over- emphasised. It starts from child upbringing and also supporting each other as women. I once mentioned my stance on this issue to an elderly woman and she sounded so disapproving. Imagine if her married daughter refuses such treatment, she will take sides with her inlaws and insist that her daughter performs her 'marital' roles to the family'. In turn, if she would expect her son to bring home a woman that will be more of an 'extended family slave' than a wife to her son. So, you see that women are not even helping matters.

You, my sister is right.

Women need to start saying no to so many things.

crackhaus:

I read all your posts on this thread till this point and eventually found what I was looking for.

The absolute truth is that no woman here would have been so comfortable having your opinions if they didn't do this before they got married, or if they're not planning to do as you did when the time comes (for the unmarried ones).

It's easy to see how a guilty person argues by trying to rationalize how it's the men that take the money or how it's just N5 naira bride price in some cultures...bla bla blabbity bla !!

At the end of the day, was a wedding/bride list not given to the groom and is he not expected to fulfill it?
Why is the bride not also given a list of things to buy for the man's uncles, aunties, kin, villagers, etc?

I'm not implying that doing all this makes the man feel he owns his wife, but by the time shiit hits the fan, all most men gon' be thinking is 'how dare this woman?'.... and that's what the subconscious does - the simplest gestures can be planted and it will steadily grow into a tree of motivations for and reasons why.




Ermmm, I kinda noticed that no one has liked any of your posts so far starting from the first....
Truth does irritate and sting.

Sadly we can shout men are bad and wicked from today till next year but if we don't address the root causes where we have some responsibility things won't change

Eketem:


We can argue and defend this from today till next millienum but if we are serious about equality and abolition of traditional gender roles then we should start from the bride price very few men who pay for " a woman's head" will accept any equality with the woman or even agree to share traditional roles. Infact when a woman earns some of these men can claim she and everything she earns belongs to them.

If we are serious about equality then we should revisit these traditions that makes us hired or purchased properties.

Till then so many men won't take us seriously.

Even though I don't agree that BP is the sole reason for the troubles women go through in marriage, I agree that it should be abolished, it's useless as far as I'm concerned.

Nobody wants to address what I said about religion abi? Okay o, you people should keep running from the truth.


The bible already said women were made for men but the man wasn't made for the woman, it says women should submit to their husbands, you go to church everyday and you are told how Sarah used to call Abraham her lord, you are told to emulate her and whatnot, yet you people are here solely blaming BP, oya na.

Don't even get me started on islam.

sweetcocoa:
That one is settled since na, I don already tell am and as far as I'm concerned, I don't need any dreamy reception venue as I don't want any of those usual wedding things, just go to a registry, get joined by the courts and I'm done.

If I ever have a reception, its cos the nigga wants one.

Is true, I beleaf you



Now start preaching for the complete abolition of all 'trade practises' in marriage, and please tell your married sisters who didn't behave like Eketem to keep shut make we hear word!

bukatyne:


What you have here is still couples who are somewhat into the traditional thingy.

What do you think of this:

Men need to be driven to provide i.e. once a woman feels no problem contributing when necessary/ split the bills, the husband slacks and is reluctant to provide.

Cc: cococandy; mindfulness; sweetcocoa; Eketem; misreal; jadelyn007; joseph1832; Ruq; kenfil; Jamean; PresVa; Creamish; Quintee

I didnt quite understand what you are saying here
Are you saying that once women contributes the man stops feeling the need to provide?

You didn't answer my questions above

Is it okay for a man to expect his wife to get out of bed at 2am to go and switch the gen on or off?
Should she kill a snake if she sees one in the house?
Should she be in charge of repairing and servicing the car?

You do know that its easier to go to work and make money than doing all these chores
8 hours at work and he is done to put his feet up
the 16 hours left nko?
Is that for the woman only to deal with?

If you are being maltreated because of brideprice,pls set up standing order monthly to his account and pay off so that you can be set free.
If you highlight to your parents that you will be punished after marriage because you were sold as property,i'm sure they will reject all lists and monies.

Truth is if a person is a jerk,he will keep on being a jerk.

tBillz made the mistake of just being a lay about in the marriage.Work you no wan work,stay at home dad you no sabi,it's only to eat peoples wives food and whinge that he's an expert in.So he was entirely useless and not contributing anything to the home.Stay at home Dad is not a crime,if agreed he locks down the homefront while wifey hustles since shes better at it.If he had accepted his role in the marriage would we be hearing stories that touch? You cannot be entirely hopeless,the other partner will resent it.
Money isnt all that makes a home function,2 partners joining hands together forgetting gender is the answer.The outcome should be what is the best for the family in that situation,not i'm a man or i'm a woman.Do the one you can do or the one your abilities allow you to.

I believe it is when there is insecurity that you start hearing arguments of who is head of home.When you encourage your partner by your deeds and support,when you show you are sensible and you are willing to sacrifice anything for the good of your home pride included..you will inspire love,respect and loyalty without useless arguments.

Eg in a situation where the woman earns like £100,000 and the man earns £20,000 ,childcare for the kids £20,000 yearly,it's more sensible that woman goes and does the work while man arranges the home.Being stay at home parent is HARD WORK! Running after kids,meals,cleaning etc.Bloody exhausting! Both partners have free access to finances and make joint decisions the most sensible one winning out.I cannot understand why this arrangement cannot work between 2 sensible people.It's far better than lying around and moaning about being head of home.

My opinion though

Eketem:


Sadly we can shout men are bad and wicked from today till next year but if we don't address the root causes where we have some responsibility things won't change

You ma'am have gained what I like to call 'integral insight'.

Can't be trying to preach equality and leave some stones unturned.

Everyone needs to be hands-on-deck in the home but no one should be implying that once a woman contributes financially, her husband 'must' contribute domestically - lucky for you if he does, live with it if he doesn't (the reality is that most women will not force it, no be by all dis 'idealized' online opinions).

After all when her village people were cutting his neck with list, and when he was buying all the buyables and paying all the payables and travelling everywhere for honeymoon, equality refused to 'turn up'