11
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother

asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast,"

he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs.

She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’

French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away.

Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he

says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."

12
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one

day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

(Jackie Mason)

13
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears

in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and

begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of

sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are

you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the

bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

14
A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms,

and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are

standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room."

In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no

again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with

shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says,

"I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and

starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's

over. Everyone back on your heads!"

15
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words

every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask

for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more

years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his

throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass.

They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising,"

the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

16
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about

to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he

said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you

religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are

you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of

God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you

original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God,

reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He

said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic

scum", and pushed him off. (Emo Philips)

17
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands

their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out

their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s

that $20 I owe you," he says.

18
I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy." I tell him I want a second

opinion. He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!" (Rodney Dangerfield)

19
Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell

your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for

$3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says

‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He

obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it

down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The

dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a

card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes

easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another

card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice

commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit

me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-

fucking-believable!"

20
A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie.

He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace

in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm

sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have

another wish?" The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never receievd oral

sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and

then says "How would you define peace?"

21
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge

wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only

grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy

back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

(Myron Cohen)

22
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are

you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned

the page, and sat down again. (David Brenner)

23
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's

snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and

promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes

"Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you

think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."

24
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m

thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in

the future. (Richard Jeni)

25
I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to

someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re

dead. (Laura Kightlinger)

26
TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent

image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe

laundry isn't your biggest problem. (Jerry Seinfeld)

27
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"

he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

28
They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night

before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to

Arizona. (Bob Hope/Gene Perret)

29
Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three

and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices

it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a

truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain

spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the

ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over

the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks

at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna

Bleep around?"

30
Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was

locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He

goes: "Not in a row!" (Steven Wright)



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