am the
eldest of 4 siblings. My parents have been
married for 20 years but I am 24 now because
apparently they got wedded a few years after I
was born even though the traditional marriage
rites were performed earlier. All my life my dad
has been abusive towards us and my mum.
Physically, emotionally and mentally. I am
grateful he did the bare minimum and fed us,
plus provide a roof over our heads, we only had
clothes during Christmas that we have to
manage for the whole year until another
Christmas. As for birthday parties no way, my
mum would try her best and buy a few bottles of
coca cola and sweets and sometimes a small
cake.

From two years old I was sent to live my Uncle and his wife, I suffered from his wife to the point where some of them abused and neglected me. If it wasn't for the neighbours telling my parents to get me out of there, who knows what would have happened to me. At the age of about 9 my dad decided my mum would stop working and and stay home to take care of the family. Growing up we would regularly see and hear my dad beating her up and shouting abuses. She would always defend him if we spoke bad about him saying he is still your dad no matter what he does and I don't understand why. As we grew older we began to have more courage to speak up to him. Probably from about the age of 14 till now, but I have lost count how many times we have tried to reason with him, write letters to him and cards about how his behaviour has affected us all and literally crying and begging for him to change, to listen and stop. Family and friends have tried and even our church pastor and his wife but nothing. My mum still stays with him. Even though we said we will help and support her.

Hmmm go down on ur kneels n pray

The funny thing is that when my Aunt was in an abusive relationship with my uncle guess who ran to her aid and made sure my uncle changed? my mum and dad. My Aunt got gt on her feet, she started her own business and has been doing well ever since. My Aunt said her abuse was nothing on the scale of my mums and ours and she could not take what my dad has done to us all. So clearly my mum understands and reasons but not for herself or so it seems. My parents travelled abroad, Dad still abused her emotionally and physically even while there. My mother now has health issues diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, knee pains and loads of complains. My dad has multiple marital affairs and mum accepts this as part of the culture and each time I try to confront her she tells me not to worry about that saying in our African way, that dad can choose to marry another wife and that having only affairs is not that bad as long as he is not getting married to another wife. He showers the women and their kids with money and gifts and pays for the school fees yet he complains of no money for my two last siblings and for my mum and to go see a doctor. On New year day, he gave them nothing for food while he went out to see one of his jezebels. The women he is seeing and sleeping with have started threatening my mums life also.

After he tried to strangle her, I forcefully brought her to stay with me a little, I advised her to file a complain at any police station that her life is under threats but my mum is reluctant to do anything if it involves mentioning my dad as she says she can't do that to him and has to protect him that she still loves him. Now my dad is apparently doing the whole he is sorry act and my mum buys it. I messaged him to ask him to explain his behaviour and he told me it is none of my business and it is an insult to question him. He says he is a disciplinarian and not a dictator and he is the best dad in the world. My mum says she isn't staying here and wants to go back to him one day after he has learned his lesson and suffered, and we should forgive and forget and we should make up with my dad everybody makes mistakes and deserves another chance...

Growing up sometimes my mum was physically abusive to my siblings every time dad finishes dealing with her, she'll transfer the anger. I was the quiet child so got less of it, when they said jump, I did. When they said, sit, I did. She was also emotionally and mentally abusive and manipulative towards us all and Yes I'm sure she took out the abuse she received from my dad on us. The man has shown no remorse and doesn't accept that his behaviour is wrong and hurtful towards others. Saying every relationship has it's hiccups Yes he is right to a point but not violence and abuse that is just abnormal behaviour. She says he is not himself and it must be juju from the women that's making him act like this, that when they met he was so kind and would do everything for her......... The same lines she has been quoting for years and refusing to leave dad. I am so drained from listening to it all, just got married and want to relax and enjoy my new marriage. I can't keep going on like this. I don't know what next to do, please help me.

DullardBuhari:
Hmmm go down on ur kneels n pray

.
thanks bro

I have a similar background, unfortunately there is nothing u can do.

bigiyaro:
I have a similar background, unfortunately there is nothing u can do.

.
need advice o

U mean u are 24 and married

moststylish:
U mean u are 24 and married

are you surprised?

moststylish:
U mean u are 24 and married

. engaged

gsparks01:
are you surprised?

. don't mind him

I'll tell you what you can and should do, be selfish think of yourself and your new family and then put yourself first. As you rightly identified, nothing will change until your mother is ready to effect that change. She is caught in a vicious cycle and the only thing you can do now is to save yourself

The same with my dad.My father never knew how we managed to graduate from the university . never gave us pocket money let alone school fees . we held unto God firmly . Now we av grown and av jobs . last time my dad tried hitting my mum, my sister threatened him that we will take our mum and he will never see us neither will he see his wife. My sister the best is to hold God and keep speaking to God. Every situation has an expiring date.

My dear every situation has an expiring date. My family was once like that until we became adults and had to question my dad. My father never paid our SCH fees nor give pocket money. Neither did any of our relatives came to our aid. My mum had to see us through university ,fed us,pay our house rent and still gave out pocket money. funny thing was five of us gaining admission almost the same time. But God saw us through. Now we are adults,we earn monthly comfortably . I can't remember the last time my father raised hand to hit my mum. My dear Hold God firmly . never lose hope. Just like my mum will always say,once married woman is always a married woman especially when you av females as children . They will be looking unto you. Smday ur family situation will change

Elegantdiva:
My dear every situation has an expiring date. My family was once like that until we became adults and had to question my dad. My father never paid our SCH fees nor give pocket money. Neither did any of our relatives came to our aid. My mum had to see us through university ,fed us,pay our house rent and still gave out pocket money. funny thing was five of us gaining admission almost the same time. But God saw us through. Now we are adults,we earn monthly comfortably . I can't remember the last time my father raised hand to hit my mum. My dear Hold God firmly . never lose hope. Just like my mum will always say,once married woman is always a married woman especially when you av females as children . They will be looking unto you. Smday ur family situation will change

Am sorry, what exactly are you recommending here cos am a bit confused. You are asking him to hold on, hold on for what, long enough for what exactly. I am confused please clarify

Just face your life, some women are destined to die as GALLANT soldiers in marriage. You can't save her but you can save yourself.

Wow... Read your story. There is hope, but above all, take it to the Lord in prayers. And always show your mum the maximum love she needs. You're partially the man of the house, you've much roles to play. But at the same time, you can't not go beyond your parents decisions as long your mum still truely care about him. What you people should be concern about is try to convince your mum to stay with any of you, atlest a little while, for if she continue like this, we don't pray to hear the other side, her health comes first. And as for your dad, I guess he should be at is mid or late 40's or 50's from your explanation, and probably when he get to 60, that is probably when he would get things right if he can't get it now. By then he would ve come to realized he has destroy his Godly mandate to build his family with proper love. But never the less, like your mum had said, try to forgive him, and if you don't, you could develop some of his attitude. Because anger make people function without love. Cheer Brother.

Well I guess the only good thing you can take out of this is how not to raise your own family.

Be good to your siblings. Be kind to your mother too when she needs it.

Your mum might have done something terribly wrong that your dad could not forgive her and is only known to just the two of them.
That is the only reason a woman should still stay with such an abusive man.

as for you guys the children, you guys should let your dad know that you guys are all grown now that he can't be getting away with those things he was doing when you guys were small.

I'm very sorry that you had and still have to witness your mother being ill-treated, but one thing is for sure, you will be a better man. It is a pity that the human kind behaviour is unpredictable, hence it is very important that we learn from everything that is happening around us. As Dajugba says, you are partially the man of the house. Unfortunately in situations like these, the abused always behave in such a manner that, one can conclude that they have been hypothesized.

What I am saying is, your mother is in no position to make any worthy decision for herself. Trust me I am no psychologist but, the abuse has been going on for too long that she has learnt to suppress the pain. Infact the pain is automatically supressed. I am not trying to give you bad advice, but hey, if talking to your dad has not helped, force is the ultimatum.

The one person you should fight is your mother. She won't want to come stay with you because she is now immune to the situation. I say find a way of convincing her more, you know her buttons well. Move her else one day you my friend, will post a different story.

And women are the weaker sex. I pray I live to see the day this theory is disproved.

jagugu88li:
I'm very sorry that you had and still have to witness your mother being ill-treated, but one thing is for sure, you will be a better man. It is a pity that the human kind behaviour is unpredictable, hence it is very important that we learn from everything that is happening around us. As Dajugba says, you are partially the man of the house. Unfortunately in situations like these, the abused always behave in such a way that one can conclude that they have been hypothesized.

What I am saying is, your mother is in no position to make any worthy decision for herself. Trust me I am no psychologist but, the abuse has been going on for too long that she has learnt to suppress the pain. Infact the pain is automatically supressed. I am not trying to give you bad advice, but hey, if talking to your dad has not help, force is the ultimatum.

The one person you should fight is your mother. She won't want to come stay with you because she is now immune to the situation. I say find a way of convincing her more, you know her buttons well. Move her else one day you my friend will post a different story.

Nice one... Learnt from your words aswell.

This kind of story is the type that makes me feel like throwing up...

To think that your mum is really suffering like that in the name of marriage and insisting to stay is what i really do not understand....was it the stigma of being branded a divorcee that she was scared of? I don't know about Nigeria but there's no stigma anymore...

Maybe you should remind her one last time that life is just once... She should not live the rest of her life unhappy..

I understand people will advise you to pray.. Yes pray but while you were waiting for his answers, your mum should go and cool off ...It doesn't take much for someone to give up the ghost these days....

byvan03:
Just face your life, some women are destined to die as GALLANT soldiers in marriage. You can't save her but you can save yourself.

Funny u@ gallant

egopersonified:
And women are the weaker sex. I pray I live to see the day this theory is disproved.

Never happening my dear, never happening. Have you heard what FEMALES say when a lady is raped or say a child. You find questions like, what was she doing there in the first place?...see her attire....why would you stop when a man is calling, then claim you don't want sex? LADIES DON'T LOVE LADIES AND MEN ARE SILENTLY OBSERVING.

This kind of talk makes them think that whatever treatment they give us is initiated by us. We never stand together and condemn them. Instead we want them to believe we understand them, until it hits you, too late unfortunately. We crave them cheering or approving of the stupidity we at times display, just so we appear to be understanding.

They are using us against ourselves and winning at it. We are not responsible for their current mentality about us, but have a hand, a big one too

nnamdibig:
Your mum might have done something terribly wrong that your dad could not forgive her and is only known to just the two of them.
That is the only reason a woman should still stay with such an abusive man.

as for you guys the children, you guys should let your dad know that you guys are all grown now that he can't be getting away with those things he was doing when you guys were small.

You really think so. I'm sure you've not been privileged to meet such men. I know lots of them,they are not only abusive but also very manipulative.
@op, I've seen issues like this several times and you are the one to help your mother out. Next time he tries to abuse her, take a trip down home and let him know you won't tolerate any of it and be firm but polite about it. He would respect this since you are no more dependent on him.

Richy4:
This kind of story is the type that makes me feel like throwing up...

To think that your mum is really suffering like that in the name of marriage and insisting to stay is what i really do not understand....was it the stigma of being branded a divorcee that she was scared of? I don't know about Nigeria but there's no stigma anymore...

Maybe you should remind her one last time that life is just once... She should not live the rest of her life unhappy..

I understand people will advise you to pray.. Yes pray but while you were waiting for his answers, your mum should go and cool off ...It doesn't take much for someone to give up the ghost these days....

True that there is little or no stigma attached to leaving. One of the reasons she may be reluctant is that she might have invested a lot in the marriage. For instance, consider a situation where she contributed financially to building their house or jointly owns assets with the man. In a country like Nigeria, where the judicial system is messed up, she will most likely be left with nothing at the end of the day.
Issues like this is why I believe a woman should have her own world apart from that of the marriage.
A man's investment in Nigerian marriage is as good as investing in his future. The average Nigerian woman's investment in marriage is as good as investing in her spouse which she may not even reap in situations like the Op's own. So, a woman should create a life for herself at least.

this thread dey vex me sha.

Quintee:

True that there is little or no stigma attached to leaving. One of the reasons she may be reluctant is that she might have invested a lot in the marriage. For instance, consider a situation where she contributed financially to building their house or jointly owns assets with the man. In a country like Nigeria, where the judicial system is messed up, she will most likely be left with nothing at the end of the day.
Issues like this is why I believe a woman should have her own world apart from that of the marriage.
A man's investment in Nigerian marriage is as good as investing in his future. The average Nigerian woman's investment in marriage is as good as investing in her spouse which she may not even reap in situations like the Op's own. So, a woman should create a life for herself at least.

My dear I agree with u but no matter how much a woman should invest in a relatioship, she should value her peace and rest of mind...It doesn't take much this days for someone to give up the ghost.....

if that woman should give that marriage a break, and act like the husband never existed, she might be surprised how the man will be crawling back like a prodigal son...

I don't know but this kind of thing makes me fancy western culture...No white woman can take half of this.. not to talk of taking it whole..

My parents travelled abroad, Dad still abused her
emotionally and physically even while there. My
mother now has health issues diabetes, high
blood pressure, high cholesterol, knee pains and
loads of complains.
.[/quote]


so, even after getting the above some people are still telling OP to "take it to d lord in prayer" , seriously??

maybe you will take a drastic step when its a different story..

Dis thread dey vex me