adviseseeker:
I sent a pm.

Iyaf reply ooooo
If you didn't get it
Send a mail to kmfworld@gmail.com

wasap

rlay:
BIG FAT LIE!

battleaxe:
@adviceseeker

I think you already have what to do in mind. I say this as you have pushed back against most of the advice here and tried justifying your stance.

While people may not know you and your wife personally, some of the mentioned symptoms can be diagnosed to offer an advice.

I will like to kindly suggest you open up your heart and take in some of the discussions. Some are indeed chaff and need to be thrown away, but I believe you can find some jewels on there.

I know most Nairaland men believe women are evils just waiting to push men to the limits, but for every cause, there is an action.

Unless she's a good actress, sonething has happened or is happening that is causing this. Find this through deliberate conversation and you'll be closer to solving your problem.

I believe that despite your claims that separation might be in the offing, deep down. In your heart, you want a deeply satisfying and loving marriage. Communication will move you closer to that destination. Seperation, eating out etc will not solve it.

I urge you to please open your heart.

Thanks.

Trust me, nothing has happened. Her first complaint was that my friends were with me. But they all bar one left. The one that didn't leave is a nairalander who I was mentoring and who she was okay with.

Then when she delivered my mom and my sister stayed for 2 months. My mom one is normal my sister simply because she has been evil to me in the past and was trying to make up by helping my wife. They ensured she had everything she needed but she wasn't happy.

I relocated far from my folks because of this, now her own relatives are here which I really do not have a problem with.

She merely doesn't know what's right and wrong. She is 25. And no, I am not trying to push away advise but deeply hurt and now ready to get busy with other things. Cheating not YET one of them.

@ adviseseeker

So you are all perfect and your wife is Jezebel herself? Hmmn, sorry but I'm not buying your story. Something just doesn't add up.

You knew before you married her that she had 3 abortions (which you detest) , but you still went ahead to marry her . . . . Even though she asked you to 'do whatever '.

Then all of a sudden she turned from the lovey dovey you married to this evil demon? ?? Out of nowhere. Indeed!

In case you don't know, your wife resents you big time and is only acting out. But somehow I have a feeling you know why . . . Even the law of nature confirms that for every action there is a reaction. Things just don't happen for no reason. There is no smoke without fire.

So instead of trying to gather sympathy online, I suggest you log oof and go atone for whatever you did to get your wife so bitter . . .

In the end we'll all go to our various spouses and kiss, and you'll still be facedwith a cold bed. Time to tell yourself the truth Mister. . . . This pity party won't do you no good.


(THAT'S IF YOUR POSTS ARE REAL AND NOT FICTION)

Ujoan:
@ adviseseeker

So you are all perfect and your wife is Jezebel herself? Hmmn, sorry but I'm not buying your story. Something just doesn't add up.

Please pinpoint where I have said I am a saint.

You knew before you married her that she had 3 abortions (which you detest) , but you still went ahead to marry her . . . . Even though she asked you to 'do whatever '.

I don't judge people by their past. I was only angry because she didn't tell me early.

Then all of a sudden she turned from the lovey dovey you married to this evil demon? ?? Out of nowhere. Indeed!

In case you don't know, your wife resents you big time and is only acting out. But somehow I have a feeling you know why . . . Even the law of nature confirms that for every action there is a reaction. Things just don't happen for no reason. There is no smoke without fire.

When you are advising people, learn not to be so judgmental. You don't even know me.

adviseseeker:
Please pinpoint where I have said I am a saint.

I don't judge people by their past. I was only angry because she didn't tell me early.

When you are advising people, learn not to be so judgmental. You don't even know me.

We don't know your wife too yet you want us to judge her. It hurts doesn't it?

You don't judge people by their past? Even 'murderers' who show no remorse for their sins How convenient. . . .

You act like all the blame here lies with your wife and you are all perfect. . . Well I've been married long enough to know that that's never the case.

You either accept the truth or live with your lies . . . . Your choice.

Ujoan:


We don't know your wife too yet you want us to judge her. It hurts doesn't it?

You don't judge people by their past? Even 'murderers' who show no remorse for their sins How convenient. . . .

You act like all the blame here lies with your wife and you are all perfect. . . Well I've been married long enough to know that that's never the case.

You either accept the truth or live with your lies . . . . Your choice.

Only idiots come online and call other people they have not met liars based on their so called experience.

No one is forcing you to respond biko.

adviseseeker:
Only idiots come online and call other people they have not met liars based on their so called experience.

No one is forcing you to respond biko.

Your story is disjointed and farfetched to say the least. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know they are lies.

Then you insulted a poster's husband, and now me. Looks to me like you have ISSUES. And someone has to put up with you? No wonder she's so bitter . . . You've gone and broken her . . . Poor woman.

She could be going through postnatal depression, with this mood changes, libido also is always very low, she's a new mum, be patient with her, this is the time she needs you the most

Sorry you were hurt.

I posted according to the available information from your post then. You didn't state everything so my response is based on what I read directly from your post.

adviseseeker:
This was why I was hurt by your initial submission but decided to keep mute. I am not all about sex, but the romance, the respect and affection towards each other is important.

I can't remember when last she on her own attempt kissing me. When she is wrong, I practically beg her to apologise to me. I believe one should apologise when they are wrong. It is just respectful and normal. My conclusion is, she knows me, she knows I have almost zero chance of changing my person just so to punish her and she is taking advantage.

I simply can't change because someone changes. I don't believe in that. I have a standard, I try not to compromise it. I am not a saint, not close but have a high standard.

It is not about chores. The only real chore she has is the baby. Her sister does the cooking most times unless on times I insist which is rare. I take a list of items she wants to buy and go to market for her, ever since we have been married, she only went to market two times on her own. And 2 times with me. Rest is me going using her list and was like that when we were dating so much a lady accused me of being stingy which is outright wrong.

You mean rape?

This one will marry somebody's child tomorrow.

Acheron:
Egbon, judging from your comments, I can tell that you know what to do but you're just too soft to do what you need to do and your wife knows this. She's preying on your gentility.

You deserve sex from the woman you feed, cloth and shelter anytime, anyhow and anywhere you want it. You're too soft and until you go a bit hard on her nothing is going to change.

Be a man and do what you need to do.

adviseseeker:
Only idiots come online and call other people they have not met liars based on their so called experience.

No one is forcing you to respond biko.

You had a row because of the abortion issues which subsequently lead to her enduring and stonewalling you.

Bro, it is time you get an office and move out of your house.
Give her space and focus on what makes you happy.
Do not involve anybody.
IGNORE HER SORRY ASS. Learn it cos it is a skill on its own. Amma teach you some....
Answer her monotonously.
Do not ever initiate conversation.
Do your sh!t bro.
When you are hungry get your ass into the kitchen and fix something and eat, they can eat any one left for all you care.
Stop answering calls and pleasantries from any member of her family.
When she initiates talks feign weakness and haul your sorry ass to a church or library.
Move out of your bedroom and fix yourself a befitting and exquisite bachelor's pads.
Get one of this BRO to keep yourself happy.
We have to know how she will react, whether she still cares or maybe both of you will just say " fvck I am done"

cococandy:
Sorry you were hurt.

I posted according to the available information from your post then. You didn't state everything so my response is based on what I read directly from your post.

It is to be expected on mediums such as nairaland. Someone ( she knows herself) has successfully got me annoyed all because I sought help on here.

At least you didn't call me a liar or a fictionist.

adviseseeker:
Good morning and happy Monday to you all. I am here to seek the matured advise of nairalanders. I want matured advise from people who are married please.

I recently got married and we have a little baby who is 5 months old. I love my wife and my baby, you only need to spend few hours with us before you know this fact. Unfortunately I am dying inside.

Before I got married, myself and my then girlfriend and now wife have no issues with sex. We had sex at will and it is usually fun. But ever since we got married, I have been denied sex. At first I thought I am the one who has a problem but I have asked many people ever since then and I have found out I am normal. I initially expect us to have sex every day - I am my own boss and work from home most times, but had to adjust to 3 days a week for her sake.

But even the 3 times is never existent. Sometimes once a week. And the annoying thing is not the lack of sex but the way the NO is said. Almost like "I own my body and decide when I want sex". I have only ever denied her sex 2 times since we knew each other. Both times after we got married. The first time cos I was not feeling too fine due to stress of work the second time because I wanted her to see how it feels when you get no as answer in a very disrespectful way.

I have not worked since August, because I decided to take a two months break thinking we will have time for ourselves, unfortunately the reverse is the case. Always an excuse not to have sex.

Secondly, I am the type who likes early breakfast. I ideally want break fast before 8am but cos of her, I shifted it to 9am but as I type this, it is 10:48am and my break fast is not ready. And this is not a one off, but almost an every day thing. And each time I bring it up, it leads to fight and keeping malice. What do I do? I hate malice, I prefer to die than to keep malice with someone but my wife seems to use this tool against me. Keeping malice is my greatest weak point. I just hate it.

Note - she is not working. I have a building project costing us over 20 million naira which has made us decide she should not work till we finish early next year. Aside the baby, no other work and even with the baby, she has as many as 3 people helping her - her sister, her little brother and a family friend of hers.

My broda just take am cool with her.Most women na so dem be now.My own na me dey make d move n she turns me dow at will with reckless abondon.D last tine I checkd na 6times we had sex in 2months.Ur own beta

@Op, first thing 1st, ur SANITY comes first! Based on ur report, u av called her attention to her attitude but nothing has changed abi? No wahala she is just being funny! She's nursing a baby & has 3-solid helping hands, not working & still can't satisfy her husband! Pls kindly call d attention of any of her siblings dat u are close with to her craziness because her parents will leave u guys here one day! Dis sibling of hers will be ur witness in years 2 come because u will av 2 take bold step like a man. I'm a nursing mum too & I dare not try rubbish like this with my husband! Say wetin now! Abeg ur life come 1st jor! U too start acting up, don't ask her 4 anything including food just try 2 ignore her! It is well with u!

@ Op, one thing I noticed here is that you love her so much that U can't do anything witot her that's why all her non challant attitude is giving u head ache...there is no crime in your action but lots of Nija women don't cherish such anymore especially wen u are always available, no respect again... This is d reason why some men are regretting ever love....am sure u are d type that does not keep friends, you always be on ur biz and ur family.....your wife is living a life of i don't care, no aspiration, no plan, she believe she has gotten all she needed and if care is not taken this kind of things can make u develop high BP....if possible get an office outside, don't make ursef too cheap to see anymore, if you have talked to her several time to sort things out on this issue and she is not responding I will advice u get plan B....it may sound so nasty but that's d reality....do it and dont give any traces cos she can kill you if she knows.....you are not happy despite all what u are doing to please her, and d best thing a man can achieve in life is to make himself happy.....let her be, don't demand for anything from her, make sure you take Kia of home. She will be d one to ask you why wen it get to a stage.....you moved away from ur families just to secure her n make her happy but she Neva appreciate you..

I have realized that the reason most marriages fail this days is because during courtship the intending patners concentrate more on intimacy with there partners rather than communication so as to understand eachother better.
At op i believe you saw some of this trauts befofe you married her but maybe cause of the constant ganbashing and how great it was you overlooked the necessities
Pfor sex put more effort into your appearance and how you smell,buy her gifts,compliment her in her cooking,dressing,etc pray for her and maybe she just might change.
For food look for a cook if you can afford one the resumes at 7 and goes 5 that way your stomach infrastructure is covered.
For the malice ones she starts just go to your closet and pray that God take away the spirit of malice from her.
Truth is if your in it for the long haul you have to make it work.no excuses.

adviseseeker:
I thought of this but there are usually a way to say No without hurting the other person and if you constantly say no, when you then want it, you shouldn't be hurt and resort to malice when the other person also says no to you.

I wish I can reveal my real identity here and have the couple of people on here who know me to my house even before I got married to comment. I can be very understanding but I hate when you are being disrespectful. See for instance, we recently decided to change apartment as I was spending too much on fuel due to the constant heat in the house we were leaving. We want house hunting, she came up with one excuse to the other as to why she can't do the house hunting. I took up the task. I searched and searched and searched. Couldn't find anything tangible. Got one for 620k which I like. I told her to go and check it before I paid. I told her repeatedly she kept coming up with one excuse to the other. I made the payment only for her to go and check yesterday and was complaining the palour was small which I find insulting considering I have told her to go and check it severally. The least I expected is sorry, nah oo, she can't say sorry and this issue of not wanting to apologise has made me to invite her mother over once over a more serious issue than sex and food for which she refused to apologise.

I honestly do not think 3 times a week is bad. And many times I work 12 hours per day including weekends as I don't enjoy watching TV. My only way to relax is to play with my baby as wify is busy with instagram , youtube or Magic Africa.

I am not a good cook but I still try to cook but I can't and I won't do it all the time. I work, practically run a joint account with her just so she doesn't have to ask for money before she gets it, and then will do the cooking in the house as well while she watches TV. NAH. I rather do what I hate and did today - eat away from home.

There's something wrong somewhere from your subsequent post.
She's putting up an attitude which must be a result of an issue in your relationship apart from the normal nursing blues.
I think there might be something you did to your wife that is making her put up this attitude.You need to find a way to get her to open up to you so you can both resolve it.
I wouldn't want to think she really doesn't fancy you but just got married to you to fulfill a purpose and now that she's a mrs,she really doesn't care any longer.

Can I ask....

On days that she does cook, what are you usually doing at those times?

Hmmm. After reading every single post here, all I can say is may God help we men.

adviseseeker:
Good morning and happy Monday to you all. I am here to seek the matured advise of nairalanders. I want matured advise from people who are married please.

I recently got married and we have a little baby who is 5 months old. I love my wife and my baby, you only need to spend few hours with us before you know this fact. Unfortunately I am dying inside.

Before I got married, myself and my then girlfriend and now wife have no issues with sex. We had sex at will and it is usually fun. But ever since we got married, I have been denied sex. At first I thought I am the one who has a problem but I have asked many people ever since then and I have found out I am normal. I initially expect us to have sex every day - I am my own boss and work from home most times, but had to adjust to 3 days a week for her sake.

But even the 3 times is never existent. Sometimes once a week. And the annoying thing is not the lack of sex but the way the NO is said. Almost like "I own my body and decide when I want sex". I have only ever denied her sex 2 times since we knew each other. Both times after we got married. The first time cos I was not feeling too fine due to stress of work the second time because I wanted her to see how it feels when you get no as answer in a very disrespectful way.

I have not worked since August, because I decided to take a two months break thinking we will have time for ourselves, unfortunately the reverse is the case. Always an excuse not to have sex.

Secondly, I am the type who likes early breakfast. I ideally want break fast before 8am but cos of her, I shifted it to 9am but as I type this, it is 10:48am and my break fast is not ready. And this is not a one off, but almost an every day thing. And each time I bring it up, it leads to fight and keeping malice. What do I do? I hate malice, I prefer to die than to keep malice with someone but my wife seems to use this tool against me. Keeping malice is my greatest weak point. I just hate it.

Note - she is not working. I have a building project costing us over 20 million naira which has made us decide she should not work till we finish early next year. Aside the baby, no other work and even with the baby, she has as many as 3 people helping her - her sister, her little brother and a family friend of hers.

Brother

This is what all men pass through,when u are dating full attention will be giving to you by your girl friend but when you marry her rationing will start.

Never mind when women give birth some love and affection go to the child and it will still return to you with time.I am tell you experience of 9yrs and counting.

My advice is for u to concentrate on other things apart from sex.try and keep beverage in the house so that u can quick eat some thing and dash out,she will notice this things and will want to adjust.

I sense that there is what she want you to bye for her which u have not,try and talk it over and pray about it.

azuson:




Brother

This is what all men pass through,when u are dating full attention will be giving to you by your girl friend but when you marry her rationing will start.

Never mind when women give birth some love and affection go to the child and it will still return to you with time.I am tell you experience of 9yrs and counting.

My advice is for u to concentrate on other things apart from sex.try and keep beverage in the house so that u can quick eat some thing and dash out,she will notice this things and will want to adjust.

I sense that there is what she want you to bye for her which u have not,try and talk it over and pray about it.

There is nothing she wants to buy that she can't buy. We operate a joint account and she has the atm to the account.

She never ever needed my permission to buy anything. Only recently she bought somethings online via instagram and it ended up been a scam. She never sought my permission but she didn't need to. I think it is negligence and arrogance she I will knock out of her using the silence treatment method.

I said it is arrogance because my own wife will never ever apologise for things she did wrong and this has always been the case even when we were dating. I only thought it is a minor problem. She never knows when she is wrong until things escalate.

I am no saint. Not even close but in this case even GOD knows I have been tolerant.

battleaxe:
Can I ask....

On days that she does cook, what are you usually doing at those times?

Ever since we relocated she has had to only cook few days. Her sister does the cooking mostly. And on times when she cooks, I am busy working.

iyiolaoluwa:
@Op, first thing 1st, ur SANITY comes first! Based on ur report, u av called her attention to her attitude but nothing has changed abi? No wahala she is just being funny! She's nursing a baby & has 3-solid helping hands, not working & still can't satisfy her husband! Pls kindly call d attention of any of her siblings dat u are close with to her craziness because her parents will leave u guys here one day! Dis sibling of hers will be ur witness in years 2 come because u will av 2 take bold step like a man. I'm a nursing mum too & I dare not try rubbish like this with my husband! Say wetin now! Abeg ur life come 1st jor! U too start acting up, don't ask her 4 anything including food just try 2 ignore her! It is well with u!

To ignore her will be extremely difficult but I want results and have no choice. I will do what I hate, ignore her like many on here have advised.

You Are Trying Too Hard To Please Your Wife.The Way I See It , You Are Doing 95% While She Is Doing 5 Leading To Resentment On Your Part And Complacency On Hers..You Have Two Options.One, You Remain At 95 Percent And Remain Resentful At Her For Not Pulling Her Own Weight In The Marriage, Or You Dial Down..The More You Dial Down, The Less Resentment You Have Because You No Longer Feel As Cheated As You Have Before(you Should Get My Drift)..The Ideal Is 50-50, But If A Partner Dosent Want To Step Up, You Go To Their Level Or Be OKAY With Beign Resentful...Your Choice.

cococandy:
You mean rape?

This one will marry somebody's child tomorrow.

You dolt. He should find himself a decent side chick that will feed and kpansh him anytime he wants while pretending all is well at home until the wife comes to her senses.

There, I've said it.

Acheron:

You dolt. He should find himself a decent side chick that will feed and kpansh him anytime he wants while pretending all is well at home until the wife comes to her senses.

There, I've said it.

I can't and I won't do this. This is expensive 1. Secondly, what says the said side chic won't do all both physically and spiritually to keep me to herself thereby letting my little daughter to suffer and my life ambitions to the bin basket.

Acheron:

You dolt. He should find himself a decent side chick that will feed and kpansh him anytime he wants while pretending all is well at home until the wife comes to her senses.

There, I've said it.

And I'm the one who's a dolt?

Re-reads post...
And when the side chick causes his family to break up, the solution would have been achieved. Yes?

slowpoke.

adviseseeker Look into your wife's upbringing

From what you describe I see someone who has a damaged upbringing, someone who has to fight for everything and thinks that aggression & malice keeping is the answer to all problems
I doubt her parents taught her conflict resolution. Kids learn a lot way watching their parents
Everything was by force by fire so she has learnt not to apologise or concede when wrong as she sees it as a form of weakness without realising that its even harder to resolve issues amicably than by force.

She wont say sorry because she sees it as a form of weakness and thinks that you might take advantage of it. Look well into how she was brought up to be able to understand why she is the way she is and what has damaged her.
She is cold emotionally because she knows no other life. You can only give what you have.

Funny enough she had all these traits before you got married and she hasn't really changed. So all these complaints must seem like Greek to her.

What can you do? Unless you can get her to subscribe to professional counselling, I'm not sure that there is much that you can do and if you take anyones advise to be hard on her, she will just get harder cos that is exactly what she is expecting and these are the types of conditions that she thrives under.

If her parents indirectly taught her to be the way she is, no amount of reporting to them will make them understand the nitty gritty of what you are trying to explain to them.

There is also a possibility that she is carrying a lot of baggage with her. Those 3 abortions are almost definitely as a result of baby father/s declining the pregnancy's three separate times, so there is a lot of baggage involved there.
There could even be 3 men involved, so 3 rejections, which has made her hard.
Maybe this is her defence mechanism.
Bottom line is that she need counselling & you need to fervently pray for your family.
I pray it all works out in the end.

adviseseeker:
I can't and I won't do this. This is expensive 1. Secondly, what says the said side chic won't do all both physically and spiritually to keep me to herself thereby letting my little daughter to suffer and my life ambitions to the bin basket.

It is not expensive and moreover you can pretend like there's a side chick somewhere giving you some when there's actually none maybe that will reset her factory settings. Ideally if there's still love involved, she should change if she believes you no longer give a damn about her.

And you can also take your problem to God to help change your wife since you've talked and nothing seems to change. God can fix anything and everything.

cococandy:


And I'm the one who's a dolt?

Re-reads post...
And when the side chick causes his family to break up, the solution would have been achieved. Yes?

slowpoke.

Dolt. Stop watching nollywood movies.

The woman is already doing a good job breaking her own home.