Good morning Nairalanders,

There is a girl I admired a couple of years ago but I could not carry on with her because I was a lecturer in a different department and I believe it is unethical/unprofessional for me to date a student in my faculty. I saw her briefly twice during her NYSC but I didn't proceed because I was preparing to leave Nigeria. Recently, we reconnected and are getting along well. Last night, I asked my friend in the department she graduated from about her and he said she is a good girl but her parents are divorced. I have not asked about this.

Please can this be an issue if I eventually marry her?

Thank you.

Calm down and get to know her well.

Are we saying all those that are presently divorced have divorced parents? As far as I am concerned there's no correlation between her parents marital state and how your marriage will turn out. Its like saying men with polygamous fathers will be polygamous.

Know what you have to know about her and observe, there's a whole lot you need to know.

Illuminatus:
You are concerned that she will divorce your sorry ass? Nah! Divorce isn't hereditary. People don't get divorced for the fun of it. People get divorces when they can't take their marriages anymore. If you are a good husband, understand and love your wife, then you wouldn't have to worry about divorce.

lol

Illuminatus:
You are concerned that she will divorce your sorry ass? Nah! Divorce isn't hereditary. People don't get divorced for the fun of it. People get divorces when they can't take their marriages anymore. If you are a good husband, understand and love your wife, then you wouldn't have to worry about divorce.

Thanks oga but you harsh o @ sorry ass

Thank you all for your advice. Well-appreciated

I am currently dating a girl whose parents are not together. She is the best I have ever had. I am not marrying her parents. We will soon walk down aisle in no time.

What concerns you and her parents marriage. Is it her you want to marry or her parents

Oga, you are supposed to know book...why are you asking silly question nau? Na are parents you wan marry? You already got info that she's a good girl...why this paparazzi? Pls adjust yourself and get to know the girl further. Marry her if you click...her parents' lives isnt same as her.


Pardon me sir, here appears to be an opportunity to question the intellects of some our lecturer ni o. Pls don't take it personal. I swear, I had seen professors shock the heck outta me with their reasoning.

Study her character and personality and if you are content with what you see,go ahead with her.

Coming from a home where the parents are divorced could have an effect on the child but there are some who make good homes from the lessons they learn.One cannot totally ignore that.

Illuminatus:
If you are a good husband, understand and love your wife, then you wouldn't have to worry about divorce.

So, men are the cause of divorces? Hahahahhahaha.

You've found a good girl and you're concerned about her parents' divorce? The fact that she has experienced it {with her parents'} would move her to ensure it doesn't happen with your marriage. Obviously, the success of your marriage lies in BOTH of your hands but her experience means she has learned a lot from it, which would work to your marriage's advantage.

Thank you all!

My husbands parents are divorced but he is the best man I could ever wish for. An amazing hands on father even makes me jealous of his relationship with kids.

My own parents are " together" but their marriage is a war zone, sometimes I wish they would get divorced. My mother being the drama filled aggressive, sometimes violent party.

The same mother wanted to discriminate against my husband, I reminded her of her crisis filled marriage and she held her peace.

I luckily left the toxic environment she built as a home early enough to learn how functional and sane homes can be that is my saving grace. Else I would have been looking down on a sane adult from divorced parents boasting I have together parents when I would have simply been an unstable adult who would have zero conflict resolution skills because I would have learned how to be aggressive and fight from my " undivorced" mother

Couldn't have said it better.

Some kids from 'undivorced' homes have the temerity to look down on those whose parents are divorced whereas their 'been-together-for-30-years' family is the true definition of a broken home. Full of rancor, disrespect, violence and what have you.

OP if she's a good person, look no further.

Eketem:
My husbands parents are divorced but he is the best man I could ever wish for. An amazing hands on father even makes me jealous of his relationship with kids.

My own parents are " together" but their marriage is a war zone, sometimes I wish they would get divorced. My mother being the drama filled aggressive, sometimes violent party.

The same mother wanted to discriminate against my husband, I reminded her of her crisis filled marriage and she held her peace.

I luckily left the toxic environment she built as a home early enough to learn how functional and sane homes can be that is my saving grace. Else I would have been looking down on a sane adult from divorced parents boasting I have together parents when I would have simply been an unstable adult who would have zero conflict resolution skills because I would have learned how to be aggressive and fight from my " undivorced" mother

Timbuktuo:


So, men are the cause of divorces? Hahahahhahaha.

You like trouble oo.
Is that the implicit meaning you got from that post?

He probably meant, if he plays his part as a good husband, then the chances of them divorcing is less or totally ruled out _all things being equal. After all it takes two to make it work.

Isn't that what most people preach here, how a wife should be long-suffering. We need more long-suffering husbands too na.

Timbuktuo:


So, men are the cause of divorces? Hahahahhahaha.

It takes two to tango. If both partners are understanding, accommodating and living, the marriage would be like corrosive.

It's not all about the men or the women. It's about compatibility and committement.

I have conducted not less than 3 research studies on this issue and I can authoritatively tell you that indeed a correlation exists between spousal separation and the performances/thought-processes/behaviour/academic performance/ of Children.


We always allow our emotions run ahead of common sense on this forum. How would a child not be affected by her parents' actions and inactions?

Nobody can tell you to avoid your woman. In so many ways, we are affected by events that take place around us. It is absolutely normal to be affected by such happenings.
The probability that a girl born and bred in Ajegunle will show some razz qualities is 1. The probability that Pastor Adeboye's sons will conduct themselves properly in the public is 1.


Marriage however is a different subject that thrive on compatibility. Will her parents' separation affect her? YES! Will that affect your marriage? NOBODY can answer except YOU.

sisisioge:
Oga, you are supposed to know book...why are you asking silly question nau? Na are parents you wan marry? You already got info that she's a good girl...why this paparazzi? Pls adjust yourself and get to know the girl further. Marry her if you click...her parents' lives isnt same as her.


Pardon me sir, here appears to be an opportunity to question the intellects of some our lecturer ni o. Pls don't take it personal. I swear, I had seen professors shock the heck outta me with their reasoning.

Madam, pls take a chill pillm u didn't have 2 embarrass him dat way. Marital or relationship issues aren't defined in text books, rada u obtain such solutns 4rm ppl's experiences. He just wanted 2 find out if anyone has a relatnship like dat & if it worked. Just like wanting 2 date a single mother, even if u're a professor, u will need 2 find out 4rm well experienced ppl how such things play out.
Issues like dis are not usually in black or white. Remember, we're dealing with human beings, u can never under or over estimate deir character.

BlessedFellow01:
Good morning Nairalanders,

There is a girl I admired a couple of years ago but I could not carry on with her because I was a lecturer in a different department and I believe it is unethical/unprofessional for me to date a student in my faculty. I saw her briefly twice during her NYSC but I didn't proceed because I was preparing to leave Nigeria. Recently, we reconnected and are getting along well. Last night, I asked my friend in the department she graduated from about her and he said she is a good girl but her parents are divorced. I have not asked about this.

Please [b]can this be an issue [/b]if I eventually marry her?

Thank you.

Yes it can.
If her parents divorced early on in her life and are bitter towards each ither and her mother raised her to be bitter towards men in general then yes, it can be a problem for you. She might project that bitterness into your relationship and you find yourself fighting battles you know nothing about.

Then again if her parents divorced when she was well grown up she might harbour fears of the same thing halpening to her and might carry baggages into her relationships that might put you on the defence all the time.

Then again she might see her parents divorce as a challenge that hers should not end the same way and thus she woukd be kinder and more caring and long-suffering to achieve this goal.

So how do you know if her parent's divorce has affected her positively or negatively? By studying her very well. Try not to get carried away by the euphoria of your feelings towards her. Euphoria does not last. One day your eyes will clear. So push the euphoria down and study her behaviour properly. Ask pertinent questions, observe her way of resolving conflicts. Does she like the same things you like? Do both of yoh have similar goals in life? Do both of you have the same religious beliefs, do both if you share the same beliefs in the roles a man and a woman ought to play in marriage(submission, 50-50, etc). From her actions is this girl the one you want to be the mother of your children? How does she dress? Who are her friends?

All these will paint an idea of the kind of person she is, and if she fits your spec then you are good to go.

All the best.

thorpido:
Study her character and personality and if you are content with what you see,go ahead with her.

Coming from a home where the parents are divorced could have an effect on the child but there are some who make good homes from the lessons they learn.One cannot totally ignore that.

i sight a good point "effect on the child" this guy needs to be careful else he will blame himself, some women from a broken home find it hard to keep their homes. The pains that a child goes through without both parents together will forever tell on her emotionally. Op be careful, she might look happy today with U, she will blame you for everything you do . If her father was the bad one, she will revenge on u

Illuminatus:


It takes two to tango. If both partners are understanding, accommodating and living, the marriage would be like corrosive.

It's not all about the men or the women. It's about compatibility and committement.

But, but.. If you are a good husband, understand and love your wife, then you wouldn't have to worry about divorce.

Why do the comments in bold not correlate with your new comment?

5MinsBrainTouch: So how do you know if her parent's divorce has affected her positively or negatively? By studying her very well. Try not to get carried away by the euphoria of your feelings towards her. Euphoria does not last. One day your eyes will clear. So push the euphoria down and study her behaviour properly.

C'est fini.

PaperLace:


He probably meant, if he plays his part as a good husband, then the chances of them divorcing is less or totally ruled out _all things being equal. After all it takes two to make it work.

Yet, I'm the one who likes trouble because I correctly interpreted this:

If you are a good husband, understand and love your wife, then you wouldn't have to worry about divorce

I am very grateful for all your contributions! I have learnt a lot from your comments

5minsmadness:


Yes it can.
If her parents divorced early on in her life and are bitter towards each ither and her mother raised her to be bitter towards men in general then yes, it can be a problem for you. She might project that bitterness into your relationship and you find yourself fighting battles you know nothing about.

Then again if her parents divorced when she was well grown up she might harbour fears of the same thing halpening to her and might carry baggages into her relationships that might put you on the defence all the time.

Then again she might see her parents divorce as a challenge that hers should not end the same way and thus she woukd be kinder and more caring and long-suffering to achieve this goal.

So how do you know if her parent's divorce has affected her positively or negatively? By studying her very well. Try not to get carried away by the euphoria of your feelings towards her. Euphoria does not last. One day your eyes will clear. So push the euphoria down and study her behaviour properly. Ask pertinent questions, observe her way of resolving conflicts. Does she like the same things you like? Do both of yoh have similar goals in life? Do both of you have the same religious beliefs, do both if you share the same beliefs in the roles a man and a woman ought to play in marriage(submission, 50-50, etc). From her actions is this girl the one you want to be the mother of your children? How does she dress? Who are her friends?

All these will paint an idea of the kind of person she is, and if she fits your spec then you are good to go.

All the best.

She has told me about the separation of her parents. She thinks she and her siblings are better off now than when both parents were together. Her parents were always fighting since they were young. Her father was doing something that was wrong and she feels her mother was rude in the way she handled the issue. She said both parents are always advising their children, telling them their mistakes and what they can do to avoid such in their lives. Both parents are still hoping to come back together sometime in the future.

Thank you so much!

A person whose parents are divorced will certainly consider divorce as more of an option in troubled times than one whose parents have not been divorced. A child of divorced parents; especially a daughter; will have been tutored by her mother that men are unreliable, and that she should make sure that she is always independent and self-sufficient. Now there is nothing wrong inherently in a woman being able to take care of herself financially or professionally, but in tthis case, the intention is suspect. A woman with divorced parents will always keep her proverbial bag packed and ready.

sisisioge:
Oga, you are supposed to know book...why are you asking silly question nau? Na are parents you wan marry? You already got info that she's a good girl...why this paparazzi? Pls adjust yourself and get to know the girl further. Marry her if you click...her parents' lives isnt same as her.


Pardon me sir, here appears to be an opportunity to question the intellects of some our lecturer ni o. Pls don't take it personal. I swear, I had seen professors shock the heck outta me with their reasoning.

professors are human too

Yieldings:
You've found a good girl and you're concerned about her parents' divorce? The fact that she has experienced it {with her parents'} would move her to ensure it doesn't happen with your marriage. Obviously, the success of your marriage lies in BOTH of your hands but her experience means she has learned a lot from it, which would work to your marriage's advantage.

Yieldings:
You've found a good girl and you're concerned about her parents' divorce? The fact that she has experienced it {with her parents'} would move her to ensure it doesn't happen with your marriage. Obviously, the success of your marriage lies in BOTH of your hands but her experience means she has learned a lot from it, which would work to your marriage's advantage.

but but,you ladys always sing to anyone who cares to listen that a woman doesn't have to go through what her mother went through with her father@the bolded

Farmerforlife:
A person whose parents are divorced will certainly consider divorce as more of an option in troubled times than one whose parents have not been divorced. A child of divorced parents; especially a daughter; will have been tutored by her mother that men are unreliable, and that she should make sure that she is always independent and self-sufficient. Now there is nothing wrong inherently in a woman being able to take care of herself financially or professionally, but in tthis case, the intention is suspect. A woman with divorced parents will always keep her proverbial bag packed and ready.

you right as well as the others.

Recently I was speaking to a friend ( guy) whose mom has been married 3 times, due to the mom being financially independent, she could leave whenever ( which i admire) but this has shaped his views on marriage and divorce.

In his words, marriage is not a thing you keep fighting for (to keep), and couples can fall out of love same way the fall in love and you should move on if the marriage is not as fulfilling as you want it to be ( or as it was in the beginning).

To him, divorce is not a big deal, neither is marriage.

on the other hand, I have two other friends (male and female) whose parents are divorced but they look forward to marriage, commitment, being good spouses, and are totally against divorce.
They really surprise me because they believe in marriage more than i.


My point is, humans are not same. We learn and can unlearn. experience has shaped people's beliefs, negatively or positively.

Joavid:


you right as well as the others.

Recently I was speaking to a friend ( guy) whose mom has been married 3 times, due to the mom being financially independent, she could leave whenever ( which i admire) but this has shaped his views on marriage and divorce.

In his words, marriage is not a thing you keep fighting for (to keep), and couples can fall out of love same way the fall in love and you should move on if the marriage is not as fulfilling as you want it to be ( or as it was in the beginning).

To him, divorce is not a big deal, neither is marriage.

on the other hand, I have two other friends (male and female) whose parents are divorced but they look forward to marriage, commitment, being good spouses, and are totally against divorce.
They really surprise me because they believe in marriage more than i.


My point is, humans are not same. We learn and can unlearn. experience has shaped people's beliefs, negatively or positively.

You are right, some people who come from divorced homes have seen the bad effect that it has had on the children in such homes (themselves), and vow not to repeat the mistakes of their parents in bringing suffering to their own children, but when push comes to shove, they still look upon divorce as a very viable option. Your friends may be well intentioned, but only when they practicalise their view and stay in marriage for a lifetime can they be said to have broken the mindset. Research has been done on this. For example, this is what Scientific American journal had to say...


"In a review article in 2003, psychologists Joan B. Kelly of Corte Madera, Calif., and Robert E. Emery of the University of Virginia concluded that the relationships of adults whose parents' marriages failed do tend to be somewhat more problematic than those of children from stable homes. For instance, people whose parents split when they were young experience more difficulty forming and sustaining intimate relationships as young adults, greater dissatisfaction with their marriages, a higher divorce rate and poorer relationships with the noncustodial father compared with adults from sustained marriages."

It requires a lot of patience to marry a child of divorced parents.