A Confused Sister...please Help - Family - Nairaland
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| A Confused Sister...please Help by AustaCee(f): 1:02pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
Hello Nairaland family, This has been a major source of worry to me. Like, I've been so so confused. I'm a young woman of twenty two. Have this guy I've been dating for close to three years now. I really do love him, but things haven't been so good recently. My mum said she would never watch me marry him. Her reasons being that his hometown has many traditions that doesn't favour wives. Also, that they individually don't treat their wives well. My mum's rejection got me really depressed cos I've always seen him in my future. Two of my friends that I confided in said I should accept it as fate,that I wouldn't know what tomorrow will bring and I will be doomed if anything should happen to the marriage that my parents will say they told me so. I've been kind of making a mental picture of how it's gonna be, dating another guy.It just doesn't work out in my mind. Naturally I'm introverted, and he has been the best partner cos he is okay with staying indoors. Recently, I've had cause to start having doubts about the relationship. Things I used to put up with,these days they really get to me. When we started dating, he didn't have much, but I believed in him. He has a job but to help out is always a problem. And asking for money is one thing that is very difficult for me. Even when I'm in dire need and muster enough courage to ask him, he will come up with excuses. Most times its really embarrassing when I try borrowing money from people they will be like, 'I thought you have a boyfriend'. It really hurts me cos when things weren't cool for him, I used to share my pocket money with him. Whenever we have an argument he would upload another girl's picture as his dp . Or sometimes when making up, he will be like, he sees other pretty girls just like I see other handsome dudes but he wants just me. I so hate that. Right now there is another guy. We've been friends, though he accepted friendship cos I told him I have a boyfriend and can't double date. He brought it up again last three months. And has been persistent. Right now I'm confused. This minute, I will feel like following my friend's advice to cut off from my bf since we can't marry, the other I feel I should stay and hope my mum changes her mind. Breaking up sef is gonna be difficult. So, I've come to you experienced Familylanders, to help slap me back to reality, if I'm losing touch with reality. Please help steer me in the right direction...I'm really in a big dilemma I can't seem to reach a decision. Please forgive the lengthy post and any typographical error Opened another account to protect my identity |
| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by Dreal11247: 1:43pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
A man that can never bombard you with gifts during courtship can't carter for you after marriage. Your mum's point of view seems to be working. The people who see women as property just to achieve their own goals neglecting the fact that they should be loved and cared for don't worth it. To worsen the case, you assisted him when you were in position but he couldn't even reciprocate even when you are not yet married. If you are willing to regret all the days of your life, then the choice is yours. 24 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by noblekel: 2:07pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
Op! Here is my candid opinion! Not an expert though! A guy dat's truly hv feelings for his partner will happily share with u irrespective dat is little, but @ least he showed dat care; but in ur case he didn't or doesn't. Which might be one of d reasons ur mum is telling u they don't treat their woman well! Telling u about other gals or uploading a gal's pix on his dp after a misunderstanding, might show he is doing u a favor by being with, which might indicate maybe when he gets tired, he might call it quite rather than working it out to save d relationship! So with this point, u hv ur choice to me: to stay or leave!  7 Likes |
| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by dayleke: 2:18pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
Follow your heart |
| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by Richy4(m): 3:16pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
[b]I do not care about the stereotype making around town about his home town... But based on individual levels, your mum is correct this time.... <<<You said when you had a misunderstanding, He upload other people's pic...This singular act might pose a huge danger when you get married to him..Because married people argue alot ...what is he gonna do when you guys got the major argument that the slamming of the door and rejecting food doesn't solve easily.. ... what will he do in that situation, grab the next available girl just to get back at you?...I do not know but this could be a sign...You have to think about it.. <<<Oh!! before I forget, This is for future reference...the fact that you had a boyfriend does not mean he will see to all your responsibilities financially...He is a B-o-y-f-r-i-e-n-d not your father.....Friendship is about companionship..How you feel about each other. If he gives when he has it, it's because he wants to.... . it is not compulsory he must give..... It is only in Africa that ladies attach boyfriend to monetary gains... If you doubt me check Google on the meaning of Boyfriend....Besides, relationship goes two ways. giving should be pari-passu.. except if you were mistaken boyfriend to sugar daddy..[/b]. 10 Likes |
| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by Nobody: 3:49pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
Using the photos of other girls while you two are nursing the bruise of a skirmish is just stark immaturity on his part. Are you dating a child or an adult? Are you also certain he's deliberately withholding money from you, or could it be that he genuinely lacks the wherewithal to cater for your needs? In the end, you should follow your mind as no one [here] can give you a 100% fail-proof advise. Besides, you are only 22. One would think at this age you should be exploring the world and living your life to the fullest. Why are ladies so enthralled by the possibility of getting a ring on their digit? Is that all there is to life? 10 Likes |
| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by AZeD1(m): 4:02pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
AustaCee:This here is a big red flag, shows immaturity and .................................. 1 Like |
| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by inemani: 4:25pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
Mums are 90% always right especially when it has to do with life relationships. Dump him whilst it's early now to avoid "Had I Known". The Red Flags should tell you a lot, wish you all the best 3 Likes |
| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by AustaCee(f): 5:00pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
Dreal11247: Thanks a lot bro dayleke: My heart is telling me a lot of things, don't know which to follow |
| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by AustaCee(f): 5:20pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
Richy4: Thanks a lot Trying to get back to me with another girl is something he has become quite used to, after we've settled and I draw his attention to it,he would apologize but do it when such happens again. Or he would start feeling bad that I don't trust him anymore. I'm sorry to say that you got me wrong, I don't depend on him to cater for my needs. Like you rightly said, he isn't my father. But I haven't been with my family for sometime, and I hate always asking for money for petty things. Wouldn't have had cause to seek for his assistance if they don't owe us at the place I'm on IT. In my post, I said I used to help him out when he was down. Why can't he do same for me? It makes me feel like I'm the stupid one who brings out her money without thinking of it's importance to me first. |
| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by AustaCee(f): 5:28pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
DarkRebel101: Umm....I'm not desperate to get married, he is the one pushing for it. According to him,he doesn't want to waste anymore time and maybe watch another man take me. As to whether he has the wherewithal, the answer is a big yes. He is very comfortable. Somebody who is ready to settle down next year. I just don't know whether he feels that I'm not seriously in need when I seek his help |
| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by Richy4(m): 5:36pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
AustaCee: I just want you to forget about him...Yes you have sold your heart to him and it will be painful... But I wouldn't want you to open a thread again in future claiming you did not see any sign....The hand writing is all over the wall...They do not need Daniel to interpret this one...even those in the king's palace can read this one... 6 Likes |
| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by AustaCee(f): 5:40pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
He expects me to always understand.. I blame myself most times cos I've always made excuses for every misbehavior of his. noblekel: AZeD1: inemani: Thanks a lot... But in all honesty, dumping him is what I don't know how to go about , he will be so hurt. |
| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by AustaCee(f): 5:44pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
Richy4: That's really the hard part....Been hoping he will change before marriage. cc: Onegai Sisioge Efemena XY Cococandy Yieldings Byvan Ishilove |
| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by AZeD1(m): 5:58pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
AustaCee: Woman, love thyself first. In this case you have to do what's best for you. I'm not saying dump him(that decision is solely yours to make) just be prepared to live with the consequences of your decision. 2 Likes |
| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by Nobody: 6:24pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
AustaCee: If anyone were to give you a counsel of perfection, it would be that you forbear marriage until a later date. I know there isn't a specific age for marriage, and that it's legal insofar as the 18-year pass mark has been met, but come on, girl...Don't you think at twenty-two that you ought to be flapping your wings at life's entreaties and exploring it to the fullest? – something which a newly-acquired marital status might deny you. You would also have the opportunity of running through life's flames and learning wisdom from its heat – and you sure won't - like many others have - waddle to Nairaland's family section for help the minute your marriage feels the mild nudge of a turbulence, because unlike those who tied the knot in their callow youth, you would be armed to the teeth with an arsenal of experience. I would advise that you rethink your decision, and ask that he bide his time until you clock twenty-five. If he truly loves you and if what he feels for you isn't some transient Squirrel fever, then I'm sure he should be able to delay plighting the troth for some three more years.
Is he Ijebu?  You are a woman, use seduction and feminine wiles to get to the bottom of his purse. If the reason really is because he doesn't think you're seriously in need, then the next time you ask him for help, your face had better be a dreary halloween mask of solemnity. [...] As earlier said, you are but twenty-two years old; you have a whole life ahead of you, and if you feel your Bf has become a dead weight and you're unsure about him, then there's absolutely nothing stopping you from putting an end to the relationship. He's just one out of the billions of men on Mother earth. 4 Likes |
| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by Ishilove: 6:42pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
AustaCee, why continue in a relationship that has no future? You want to continue to 'hope' your parents will change their mind, thereby wasting your valuable time as well as his. Look, you're 22, you still have time on your hands, so why postpone the inevitable? You know the right thing to do. It may seem like the end of the world when you take that decision, but you'll recover. Trust me, you'll recover. 1 Like |
| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by nnamdibig(m): 6:42pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
You started dating a guy at 19........The best thing for you now is to stay away from guys(keep them as friends thou) and focus on whatever you are doing right now. You are too young now to start thing of who to marry and who not to marry. |
| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by Ishilove: 6:54pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
AustaCee:You don't even seem like you're ready for marriage. I can bet you aren't ready for marriage. See, 8 out of 10 times, mothers are always right. In this case she may be wrong about him, but the person who will bear the consequences is you. His other behaviours which you've listed shows pettiness and immaturity. Truth be told, focus on finishing school, building your career and being independent. He's dating you and he should know that he has to pamper the girl he calls his 'babe', but since he doesn't give you stipends or gifts, all well and good, he's not your father. Ask your parents to give you what you need. When I was still in school I saved my allowance and used it to cater for myself. Just note that even in marriage, he is not going to change. Sister Austa, focus. Focus and leave man matter for now because you still have a lot of growing up to do. 1 Like |
| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by Nobody: 7:42pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
Men marry women hoping they don't change_ but they do.  Women marry men hoping they'll change_ but they don't.  Exceptions apply. Bye. 4 Likes |
| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by Nobody: 7:43pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
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| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by inemani: 8:35pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
AustaCee: Excuses! You keep making excuses for him. Which do you prefer: hurting him today in order to be free, or being hurt tomorrow when the scales begin to fall off your eyes? when it's rather late? Girl wake up! Anyways, your life your choice! 2 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by Richy4(m): 8:35pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
AustaCee: [b]There are no way of dumping a guy that he will not feel hurt...If you do not know how to dump him, there are thousand and one ways to dump a guy on the Internet.... Google can still help you... On a Lighter Note; I remembered in 1999, A celestial church was planted in my home town, we did not know any thing about their mode of worship....All we know was that they don't wear shoes,they put on white on sundays we thought they were kind of creepy, my cousin who was in 300L in Uni then..... he got a high maintained girl he was looking for a way to dump.....One Saturday morning, he just went to the girls house with no shoes on, says he has been converted to that church...that she was inviting the girl to church on sunday...The girl was totally angry and told my cousin that it was over....Then there was no cell phones that much but landline was all over....My cousin came to our house,told me what he did, that he wants to call the girl and pretend to beg her to take him back....when he did call, the girl's mum picked and lied that the girl was not at home, she warn my cousin never to come to their house or call their landline again.....He broke up with a church... Honestly You are too young to be having this kind of headache...I know we were thought to make hay while the sun shine.... but not in all things... if you rush in, you might be tempted to rush out...You were acting as if in your last world, you were not opportuned to have any dealings with the opposite sex....slow down a little ok, A little bit of heart break does not kill, It made a lot of us stronger...... [/b] 5 Likes |
| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by MrPresident1: 9:58pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
Relationship Palaver. OP, my advice to you is that you should continue to pray and be close to God because nothing in this world is coincidence, the fact that your mum does want you to get married to this guy is a very big red flag. When your own Mr Right come, nobody will tell you, you will know by yourself, so all these heartaches you are passing yourself through is just unnecessary. Besides you are only a little girl at 22yo, so why are you so bothered about adult issues? Abeg free your mind. Me I only came here to read the comments of the elders. 1 Like |
| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by Ginaz(f): 10:11pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
I'm in your shoes, my own is pretty worst. I have been dating my bf close to 6 years now. We are both young and he doesn't have much money to give me. I beg from people to get by sometimes. There's this guy that has been bothering me for 5 years for a date, he's rich, handsome and has finished schooling, now working on his own. I was pressured to date him, every body won't let me rest. But my heart wasn't convinced, I later learnt he was a first degree liar, deceiver, playboy. I thank God I never gave him a chance, that would be how I would have broken my relationship and jumped into fire. O.p be contented with your bf, don't leave him for that guy cos the devil you dont know is better than the angel you know. Leaving him for any reason is sensible, but dumping him for that guy is not. What do you know much about that guy? What is the point of attraction, is it his money or what? Pray for God to change your bf, he's a good guy and I can bet he's caring as well. I love my bf, I've come to appreciate him cos of his personality and manner of guy he is. No guy I've seen has his attributes, he's so caring, understanding and selfless. O.p, I will give you an advice that was given to me by a friend when I was contemplating as you. He said " the one you get for hand and know, better pass people wey u no know weda dem be beast" 1 Like |
| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by Ishilove: 10:13pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
MrPresident1:Egbon Presido!! MrPresident1 for Presido!!!  Twale!!
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| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by MrPresident1: 10:21pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
Ishilove: Ishi to beautiful  Triple twale for you babes, nothing do you at all at all  1 Like |
| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by Ishilove: 10:28pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
MrPresident1:Oga mi to sure, mo gentle 1 Like 1 Share
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| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by MrPresident1: 10:37pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
Ishilove: Gbogbo wa la gentle o , recession buhari ti so gbogbo wa di gentle people. No more ta felefele 1 Like |
| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by Nobody: 10:39pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
AustaCee You say that you love him (whatever that means) and that you are afraid of not being able to find another man who will be compatible with you again as you are an introvert. The latter is nonsense. Everybody is compatible with more than just one person. Then you say that he is extremely stingy and does not even help you out in difficult situations even though he accepted your help before. He plays psychological tricks on you by disrespecting you and hurting your feelings with pictures of other chicks. And your mother is not in agreement with the union. It's up to you to decide what you want from a long-term union. If financial assistance, family support, and respect are less important than your love for him, go ahead and marry the guy. If you do not want to compromise any of these things, work toward an end of the relationship and don't stay with someone because you think there is nobody else for you. The world is full of wonderful people. In a nutshell, know what you want and go for it. 5 Likes |
| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by Aim07(f): 11:33pm On Nov 18, 2016 |
AustaCee:This part really forced me to comment and come out of my mute mode....see there is nothing like he will change be it before or after marriage. Please u need to sit urself down do ur background study very. Find out from his own family how dia wives are treated because I can an element of possibility from ur mum's advice and based on what u av posted too. Ask urself those things u complain about dat he does, what he doesn't change, can cope with such marriage? will u be happy in such marriage? But be truthful to urself in answering these questions. Don't be carried away by ur emotions. May God help u to make d right decisions.... please open ur brains too 3 Likes |
| Re: A Confused Sister...please Help by placeofallure(f): 5:38am On Nov 19, 2016 |
AustaCee: |
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