Exactly my sentiments. They will read meaning into everything she does even if she doesn't mean anything

By the way how can they still be using firewood in 2016? If you said stove that's still understandable.even my grand ma uses stove before she died.

I can imagine the kind of family Op married into.they're very Bush loto

Onegai:
Either swallow your humiliation with a cup of cold water and continue to face your front (because it is going to get worse) or find money and rent a one bedroom and keep your dignity.
They are cooking with firewood, you entered kitchen. In their minds, you are "carrying yourself like a peacock" because of that, that is why they are saying these stuff and throwing the food away. Some people's families are like that: you get a maid and a washing machine, they begin to feel like you want to show off that you are modern or that you are implying they are bush or poor villagers and the insults start flowing.

Ladies, marry within your social class and marry your levels of understanding. Because this scenario plays out a lot in Nigerian families. Because walai, you will "enjoy" an insult one day over this matter. Petty, yes. Common, even more so. Nigerians were not brought up to be tolerant and understanding of other people's choices.

Nic3:
kaduna

then you should be able to get a place. Don't wallow in self pity.if you don't know don't just sit at home. Move out and ask people. Ask your church member friends Ask your own girlfriends living around kaduna ask your friends husbands Ask your colleagues at work .one of them will give you a link. You don't have to start explaining to them the reason for your moving out just tell them you need an apartment thats affordable. If for example You earn 100k per month just say you're looking for a decent apartment between 40-50k.if they don't know they too Will ask their friends. YOU will just have to keep calling them on phone to remind them

Nic3:

We can't leave the house cos we can't afford to rent a place.

Mama Aliko,here's your answer above.

dangotesmummy:
ok I see
So because baba is doing them a "favour " that's why he should attach the favour with disrespect and humiliation because he's the almighty baba Oko
Please sir let me ask you something. Assuming I dashed you a house free of charge but I'm always insulting embarassing bullying or emotionally abusing your wife and she's not always happy. You will see the favour as a favour?
Ok I forgot. The wife has no feelings and she had no right to feel hurt because she's less of a human being because she's a wife.iyen na nice
Op iwo ni mobaloro.if your self esteem is still important to you and you want to thrive in whatever you do you won't continue to live in a toxic environment even if it's a mansion IN banana island and it's all made of steel
Moreover a house is different from a home.you're living in a HOUSE not a HOME
continue staying there your father inlaw will soon give you his clothes to wash

I'm sure you purposely skipped this part of her narrative, mama aliko. Do you expect them to go and steal? Or move into her own family's home or friends place? Until they do that before they understand staying in Baba's house is a luxury.
Pls give a practical solution to what's on ground. They cannot afford a place right now. How do you know if she even earns up to 20k monthly? What if her husband even earns less?
And trying to put more financial pressure on someone who's bothered by ordinary gossip will only worsen her mental state IMO.
Who likes living with in-laws if they can afford not to?

Even if she's asked to wash her FILs clothes, what's wrong with that? There's no free lunch in Freetown.
She washes his clothes and even does other house work to it sef in exchange for boarding, and mind you her husband to is not exempt from waging his father's clothes. At least the old man could have rented out the place and be getting money out of it.
If she lived with her own parents too, she would probably do more housework there sef for them, and her husband too will see pepper in his in-laws house

Sweetheart,i can feel your pain but it shouldn't be so.

You have tried your best but yet not your best. Your first duty is to God,your husband,yourself and then the rest comes 4th.

Please and please if you are a christian,marry God and your bible,you will find comfort and solution to happy you. You owe no one but God.

Do what is good and right,don't try to please every one but do what you ought to. Close your ear to gossips and try to save up with your husband so you people can move out. Discuss that with him and make moving out priority.

Never stop praying for heart of man is evil....with time,things will be ok.

Cheer up ok? life is what you make it for yourself.

eyinjuege:


I'm sure you purposely skipped this part of her narrative, mama aliko. Do you expect them to go and steal? Or move into her own family's home or friends place? Until they do that before they understand staying in Baba's house is a luxury.
Pls give a practical solution to what's on ground. They cannot afford a place right now. How do you know if she even earns up to 20k monthly? What it her husband even earns less?
And trying to put more financial pressure on someone who's bothered by ordinary gossip will only worsen her mental state IMO.
Who likes living with in-laws if they can afford not to?

according to her she claimed that SHE IS ABOVE HER HUSBAND so what I deduced from that is that she meant she's more financially ok THAN her husband so she can combine both her salary and her husbands income to get another place to stay even if it's just a little house at least it's better than staying in a house with no peace a nd a place she's not happy or comfortable and by the way there's no how you'll be aware that some people ARE gossiping about you and you'll be indifferent and comfortable in that environment.common na.get real.

eyinjuege:


Mama Aliko,here's your answer above.




I'm sure you purposely skipped this part of her narrative, mama aliko. Do you expect them to go and steal? Or move into her own family's home or friends place? Until they do that before they understand staying in Baba's house is a luxury.
Pls give a practical solution to what's on ground. They cannot afford a place right now. How do you know if she even earns up to 20k monthly? What it her husband even earns less?
And trying to put more financial pressure on someone who's bothered by ordinary gossip will only worsen her mental state IMO.
Who likes living with in-laws if they can afford not to?

Even if she's asked to wash her FILs clothes, what's wrong with that? There's no free lunch in Freetown.
She washes his clothes and even does other house work to it sef in exchange for boarding, and mind you her husband to is not exempt from waging his father's clothes. At least the old man could have rented out the place and be getting money out of it.
If she lived with her own parents too, she would probably do more housework there sef for them, and her husband too will seel pepper in his in-laws house

You are right she might be earning 20k and he might be earning less..... which might be used for feeding and other things, then what is there to save?

Nic3:
kaduna

Is accommodation so expensive in kaduna? Why not look for just 2 rooms and manage for now with your husband?
Your husband sef try. What's the idea of staying with your parents after marriage? A complete man will never do that.

dangotesmummy:
according to her she claimed that SHE IS ABOVE HER HUSBAND so what I deduced from that is that she meant she's more financially ok THAN her husband so she can combine both her salary and her husbands income to get another place to stay even if it's just a little house at least it's better than staying in a house with no peace a nd a place she's not happy or comfortable and by the way there's no how you'll be aware that some people ARE gossiping about you and you'll be indifferent and comfortable in that environment.common na.get real.

Because she says she's above her husband doesn't mean she's comfortable.

Even in face me I slap you houses, some people claim to be above their neighbors, because their neighbors have SSCE, and they have OND.

This is also an online forum, and one has to learn to read in btw the lines

Also, people's perceptions may infact not be the reality. If she was able to afford it, she probably would have gotten a place by now.

Meanwhile, I'm personally immune to gossip. Most times, I'm indifferent to people and their childish tantrums. If a FIL decides to be childish, its his loss and I wouldn't even lose any sleep over it.
I've got more important things to do than to bother about other people's wrong perceptions about me. No time

eyinjuege:

Because she says she's above her husband doesn't mean she's comfortable.

Even in face me I slap you houses, some people claim to be above their neighbors, because their neighbors have SSCE, and they have OND.

This is also an online forum, and one has to learn to read in btw the lines

Also, people's perceptions may infact not be the reality. If she was able to afford it, she probably would have gotten a place by now.

Meanwhile, I'm personally immune to gossip. Most times, I'm indifferent to people and their childish tantrums. If a FIL decides to be childish, its his loss and I wouldn't even lose any sleep over it.
I've got more important things to do than to bother about other people's wrong perceptions about me. No time

but it's affecting her and getting to her

dangotesmummy:
even if he's the only son it doesn't mean he should live die marry fok born and die in his fathers house.that's arrant nonsense

The day HE has disagreement with someone they'll remind him that he's lazy HE cannot build his house he's depending on his fathers wealth

Even yorubas say agboju logun ofirae foshi ta

Translation any man that depends on his fathers properties has only rented himself to poverty. It's only a matter of time before poverty catches up with him


For example let the house burn.you'll see he will be a dead man while still alive
Even if his father has many houses it should only be a means to an end or a stepping stone to achieve more not staying in your fathers house and be attracting unnecessary insults and disrespect to your and family

did you read the part she said her bil and his wife aren't working but feeds with the help of mil, Op and husband also could not afford apartment of their own

I would want to ask who sponsored those marriage traditional expenses since they have to rely on mil to feed
and accommodation

but I would sincerely wants to know which culture are they practicing

dangotesmummy:
but it's affecting her and getting to her

That's why she needs to be encouraged so it doesn't affect her. For now, she can aim and start saving towards getting a new place. If you have to save for 2 years to be able to afford a place of your own, then its not worth it as you won't b able to maintain subsequent payments of your rent.
They should aim at getting a better source of income as this would make sense. Naturally, their standard of living will go up, and they can get somewhere affordable. That's the first thing they should seek IMO.
The best way to live through the bad situation she's in is to develop a tough skin and not be moved by gossip. Who gossip epp?
Go to your teacher work, come back. If you can get some small change to be selling some petty things in front of the house after closing, do so.- A small kiosk will do. Sell eggs, pure water, snacks which you can make by yourself or even the food they say you cannot cook. People must eat, especially if its tasty.

Let your FIL know of course and plead with him to allow you use the front of his house, or let your husband ask his father.
Let everyone see that you don't have time, and you're a busy person. Even if they don't like you, they will respect your zeal

dangotesmummy:
but it's affecting her and getting to her

That's why she needs to be encouraged so it doesn't affect her. For now, she can aim and start saving towards getting a new place. If you have to save for 2 years to be able to afford a place of your own, then its not worth it as you won't b able to maintain subsequent payments of your rent.
They should aim at getting a better source of income as this would make sense. Naturally, their standard of living will go up, and they can get somewhere affordable. That's the first thing they should seek IMO.
The best way to live through the bad situation she's in is to develop a tough skin and not be moved by gossip. Who gossip epp?
Go to your teacher work, come back. If you can get some small change to be selling some petty things in front of the house after closing, do so.- A small kiosk will do. Sell eggs, pure water, snacks which you can make by yourself or even the food they say you cannot cook. People must eat, especially if its tasty.

Let your FIL know of course and plead with him to allow you use the front of his house, or let your husband ask his father.
Let everyone see that you don't have time, and you're a busy person. Even if they don't like you, they will respect your zeal.
Make lemonade out of the lemons life has handed you.

eyinjuege:


That's why she needs to be encouraged so it doesn't affect her. For now, she can aim and start saving towards getting a new place. If you have to save for 2 years to be able to afford a place of your own, then its not worth it as you won't b able to maintain subsequent payments of your rent.
They should aim at getting a better source of income as this would make sense. Naturally, their standard of living will go up, and they can get somewhere affordable. That's the first thing they should seek IMO.
The best way to live through the bad situation she's in is to develop a tough skin and not be moved by gossip. Who gossip epp?
Go to your teacher work, come back. If you can get some small change to be selling some petty things in front of the house after closing, do so.- A small kiosk will do. Sell eggs, pure water, snacks which you can make by yourself or even the food they say you cannot cook. People must eat, especially if its tasty.

Let your FIL know of course and plead with him to allow you use the front of his house, or let your husband ask his father.
Let everyone see that you don't have time, and you're a busy person. Even if they don't like you, they will respect your zeal.
Make lemonade out of the lemons life has handed you.

well I get your point but my point is that she has to make herself scarce in that house. The insult is too much.

Even if she has to make herself busy she should sell elsewhere not in front of the house before her in-laws come to start buying things on credit or taking things without paying and then claiming shebi I'm your inlaw (you know Nigerians and sentiments ) and IF she insists they pay another bad blood will start

Only on zeeworld

Nic3:
I am writing in pains, I stay in a family house with my inlaws. I got married the same day with my husband's younger brother who also leave with us. The problem here is that they find fault in everything i do and get jealous. I am the only one that does things in the kitchen while the rest cook with firewood. I stopped giving my fiL(father in-law) food (by my husband's order)since the day he asked some1 to throw the food away or give it to dog in my presence . The same food I served my husband and his friends which they ate. Ever since then he spoilt my image by telling people I can't cook with the help of my Bil. I have lost confident in myself Although my husband never complains. He credit my Bil wife simply because both my Bil
and his wife are jobless and they feed with the help of my Mil and the wife has been the one cooking with them. I do my things privately,I am an introvert, I teach in a school, my husband is into little business. But I am above him in all ramifications. but it didn't get into head. We can't leave the house cos we can't afford to rent a place. Now what will i do to gain back my reputation. I see people running away for my food just because of Fil. With the wide Gossip that I can only make snacks and noodles. I can stand anything as a woman but not someone telling me I can't cook. Please I need your advice?

Hmm...odd, but fascinating story.

This is what happens when people bow to societal pressure and rush to get married even when they're obviously ill-prepared for it.

Madam, you've walked straight into poverty and the sooner you accept your reality, the better for you. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with being poor, but you need to learn how to sit up and cope with your situation.

I don't know what your culture is (not that it matters here), but it does sound very traditional, very communal and you need to adjust. There is a saying, when in Rome, do as the Romans do.

You knew the situation before walking into that marriage. You knew your husband was a low earner and couldn't afford his own place. You knew you'd both be living with your inlaws and you certainly knew your inlaws cooked with firewood etc.

What you need to do is come down to their level. As a new wife, this is your opportunity to learn from the older ones. At this stage, you'll be forgiven for making mistakes but expected to learn. From day 1, you ought to be very observant. So papa doesn't like your food - what do you do then? I'll tell you: when mama (MIL) wants to cook, take off your high heels, tie wrapper, and follow her to the backyard and learn how to cook with firewood. Find out what he likes and ask mama to teach you. Learn how to go down on your knees and work that grinding stone. See, there's a way to cook soup and there are ways to cook that same soup.

The same soup cooked the traditional way (grinding stone, fire wood, etc) would taste different from one cooked the modern way (blender, gas cooker, etc). I even heard / read somewhere that the smoke from the firewood gives its own special flavour. Find out what ingredients MIL uses for cooking his food too. Maybe she's not into Maggi but prefers traditional spices.

Let me ask you something: how come your "jobless sister in law" seems to be getting on well with the family but you aren't? Or you think she doesn't get tongue lashed by her in-laws too? I bet she does. The only difference between her and you is that she was smart, and quick to learn. You need to do the same too.

I think I kind of get where they're coming from too. Right now they probably feel you aren't even frugal with money. Rather than spend a fortune paying for kerosine/ gas and modern amenities, go for the cheaper traditional options and save that money towards getting your own place.

In the meantime, better start practicing family planning and go on contraceptives. Hold off on having kids until you both are financially stable.

eyinjuege:


Mama Aliko,here's your answer above.

I'm sure you purposely skipped this part of her narrative, mama aliko. Do you expect them to go and steal? Or move into her own family's home or friends place? Until they do that before they understand staying in Baba's house is a luxury.
Pls give a practical solution to what's on ground. They cannot afford a place right now. How do you know if she even earns up to 20k monthly? What if her husband even earns less?
And trying to put more financial pressure on someone who's bothered by ordinary gossip will only worsen her mental state IMO.
Who likes living with in-laws if they can afford not to?

Even if she's asked to wash her FILs clothes, what's wrong with that? There's no free lunch in Freetown.
She washes his clothes and even does other house work to it sef in exchange for boarding, and mind you her husband to is not exempt from waging his father's clothes. At least the old man could have rented out the place and be getting money out of it.
If she lived with her own parents too, she would probably do more housework there sef for them, and her husband too will see pepper in his in-laws house

I totally agree with this.

I also think @op needs to improve her people skills. This isn't the time for her to claim being an introvert. She needs to mix with the family - especially the women such as going to the market with SIL & MIL, washing clothes with them, fetching water from the stream or communal tap together, relaxing with them, and even helping to fix their hair (i.e. Plait / weaving, etc). That's the only way. Once she makes herself indispensable to them, they'll accept her with open arms and treat her like one of them. Once she's got the women on her side, the men will follow suit. Hopefully.

lomaxx:


She's referring to the BIL

Read again, reference is to the husband.

Nic3:
kaduna

House is cheap in kaduna naw... If truly u are working as stated, and ur hubby is doing little biz, u guyz should b able to join money and rent room and parlour even if it is in a face me I face u compound. It is better than staying a duplex and not being comfortable. Which part of KD?

dangotesmummy:
then you should be able to get a place. Don't wallow in self pity.if you don't know don't just sit at home. Move out and ask people. Ask your church member friends Ask your own girlfriends living around kaduna ask your friends husbands Ask your colleagues at work .one of them will give you a link. You don't have to start explaining to them the reason for your moving out just tell them you need an apartment thats affordable. If for example You earn 100k per month just say you're looking for a decent apartment between 40-50k.if they don't know they too Will ask their friends. YOU will just have to keep calling them on phone to remind them

Try to b realistic and pragmatic wen giving advice! So u think if they are earning half of 100k, they wont b able to rent a house. U talk as if 100k is earning 10 k

dangotesmummy:
That's what happens when you live with too many in-laws.overfamiliarity will surely breed contempt and That's why the yorubas say atokere lore tiniyin meaning you're only respected if you're seen once IN a while.

Obviously THE law of see finish aka overfamiliarity has set in in your case

Solution; move out asap.whether it's a rat hole it's better. Nothing is to much for your peace and respect .move out because the drama will not stop instead it'll get worse

They're seeing you everyday that is why there's so much disrespect.if they see YOU once in 6 years there's no how you won't be respected.infact na them go ask what you will eat and not demand thrash from you

GBAM well said. Can't think of a better advice than this.

Slimmos:
Try to b realistic and pragmatic wen giving advice! So u think if they are earning half of 100k, they wont b able to rent a house. U talk as if 100k is earning 10 k

didirin what is wrong with you?you won't read properly wakan mabe bi igala

You didn't see when I said FOR EXAMPLE in front abi? Use your number 6

carmag:


did you read the part she said her bil and his wife aren't working but feeds with the help of mil, Op and husband also could not afford apartment of their own

I would want to ask who sponsored those marriage traditional expenses since they have to rely on mil to feed
and accommodation

but I would sincerely wants to know which culture are they practicing

guess it was a lowkey wedding

Slimmos:
House is cheap in kaduna naw... If truly u are working as stated, and ur hubby is doing little biz, u guyz should b able to join money and rent room and parlour even if it is in a face me I face u compound. It is better than staying a duplex and not being comfortable. Which part of KD?

Except we build our house we can't rent house within kaduna

OP you have no choice. It was a decision you both made and your personalities could accept such. I personally can never do this even if it's my family we are squatting with. Not to talk of my husband's family. Even with my family anything said to him might be an issue. So such situations are better avoided if you can.

EfemenaXY:


Hmm...odd, but fascinating story.

This is what happens when people bow to societal pressure and rush to get married even when they're obviously ill-prepared for it.

Madam, you've walked straight into poverty and the sooner you accept your reality, the better for you. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with being poor, but you need to learn how to sit up and cope with your situation.

I don't know what your culture is (not that it matters here), but it does sound very traditional, very communal and you need to adjust. There is a saying, when in Rome, do as the Romans do.

You knew the situation before walking into that marriage. You knew your husband was a low earner and couldn't afford his own place. You knew you'd both be living with your inlaws and you certainly knew your inlaws cooked with firewood etc.

What you need to do is come down to their level. As a new wife, this is your opportunity to learn from the older ones. At this stage, you'll be forgiven for making mistakes but expected to learn. From day 1, you ought to be very observant. So papa doesn't like your food - what do you do then? I'll tell you: when mama (MIL) wants to cook, take off your high heels, tie wrapper, and follow her to the backyard and learn how to cook with firewood. Find out what he likes and ask mama to teach you. Learn how to go down on your knees and work that grinding stone. See, there's a way to cook soup and there are ways to cook that same soup.

The same soup cooked the traditional way (grinding stone, fire wood, etc) would taste different from one cooked the modern way (blender, gas cooker, etc). I even heard / read somewhere that the smoke from the firewood gives its own special flavour. Find out what ingredients MIL uses for cooking his food too. Maybe she's not into Maggi but prefers traditional spices.

Let me ask you something: how come your "jobless sister in law" seems to be getting on well with the family but you aren't? Or you think she doesn't get tongue lashed by her in-laws too? I bet she does. The only difference between her and you is that she was smart, and quick to learn. You need to do the same too.

I think I kind of get where they're coming from too. Right now they probably feel you aren't even frugal with money. Rather than spend a fortune paying for kerosine/ gas and modern amenities, go for the cheaper traditional options and save that money towards getting your own place.

In the meantime, better start practicing family planning and go on contraceptives. Hold off on having kids until you both are financially stable.

Mena!!! Nice one... you got the whole gist

My dear no matter how good people are, when you live with them, there would be one problem or the other, mostly jelousy or looking into your finances or private life. I've had similar experience and I can boldly tell you it wasn't a sweet one. Leaving the house is the best option no matter how small your new house is, what is yours is yours. Hubby might want to discourage you from doing that but make him see reasons with you and pray about it that is you believe in any God. When we moved out, we didn't have so much, I actually loaned money but now we are so comfortable. Just take a step of faith and stop having that feeling of you can't afford it. If you move out, you'll see God putting your rent and others things in place for you. You've got to learn to be happy and don't let people push low self esteem to you, but don't be proud. Just be yourself. Also be wise on how you present leaving the house to your MIL and FIL because people seek for the slightest opportunity to crown you the bad one... Be good okay... One love.

lalasticlala mynd44 o ya o come and advice.

Nancykay:
My dear no matter how good people are, when you live with them, there would be one problem or the other, mostly jelousy or looking into your finances or private life. I've had similar experience and I can boldly tell you it wasn't a sweet one. Leaving the house is the best option no matter how small your new house is, what is yours is yours. Hubby might want to discourage you from doing that but make him see reasons with you and pray about it that is you believe in any God. When we moved out, we didn't have so much, I actually loaned money but now we are so comfortable. Just take a step of faith and stop having that feeling of you can't afford it. If you move out, you'll see God putting your rent and others things in place for you. You've got to learn to be happy and don't let people push low self esteem to you, but don't be proud. Just be yourself. Also be wise on how you present leaving the house to your MIL and FIL because people seek for the slightest opportunity to crown you the bad one... Be good okay... One love.

Thanks very much

Nic3:
Thanks very much

You welcome dear. Hope you're fine now?

Nancykay:

You welcome dear. Hope you're fine now?

Still the same my sister.... but am trying to be fine

Nic3:
Still the same my sister.... but am trying to be fine

Hi Nic3,

I believe you should try Efemena's advice. I learnt from experience years ago that most people (esp. those boarding you) do not appreciate you breezing out of nowhere with your new 'fancy' ideas esp. if you 'seem'/'are' above them or have a perceived edge.

Imagine, you breeze in from 'nowhere' & start cooking with stove/gas; you don't invite them to try it for their convenience, you don't decide to join them with the firewood sometimes...

You are eating your cake & having it....

Living privately and doing things as you like without fully supporting your life financially. You gave up the luxury of doing all things as you like when you married into the family house.

They are getting along with your BIL & his wife because they have adapted to living with your parents in law, integrated to their way of life and became a relief for them.

I also think you should also do more chores like washing their clothes, sweep the compound etc. occassionally without being told

Are they jealous of you? Maybe.... however, her advice will go a long way to make you enjoy your stay more.

Also ask your parents esp. Mom if she also went through this process to glean nuggets from her.

You will be fine.

Nic3:
Still the same my sister.... but am trying to be fine

Happiness, that's all you owe yourself my dear, leave the rest to God. No one has the right to make you unhappy in life always note that... Cos if you live you life pleasing everybody honestly you won't go far , I'm talking from experience. Be nice to all and do the best you can. stay blessed, happy week ahead.