I kid you not.
Some maniac had the guts and firm believe that he could carry out this dastardly act in Shomolu of all places. An attempt was made on my life this morning and I really thank the almighty God for jumping in and saving the situation. I tell you, na this five minute per Sunday visit to MFM na him dey work so o.

I went to buy fuel this morning at the new Forte Oil filling station down the road. As soon as I finished I jumped into my Forerunner jeep and began to accelerate when I saw this Alfa type. He was wearing a long white garment the type you call 'sultana'. He had the stereotype look complete with the goatee. He waved me down and I stupidly stopped the car. I usually don't do this but found myself stopping by the side of the road and he disembarking from the bike and running towards me.

When he reached me, he motioned that I wound down the window and like magic I did, all the while telling myself that I should not be doing this. His ugly face smashed into my subconscious and when he spoke I saw blackened teeth with the tell tale gold tooth sticking out like the monoliths on a vampires head. He spoke very fluent Yoruba mixed with Arabic, querying me like an angry policeman who had just caught an errant driver. 'Why didn't you stop when I asked you to' he said in his broken Yoruba cum Arabic vernacular. I just stared at him with incrudelity, by this time I realized I had made a fatal error of judgement and my heart started palpitating. He was still staring at me with those vengeful eyes still trying to command me.'take me to ikorodu' he bellowed and at that point I snapped and told him to 'eff off'.

I engaged the gear of the powerful machine I was driving and sped off like the devil himself was chasing me. This son of a prostitute was not going to give up, he jumped on his bike and asked the rider to give chase. You know these mallams who ride these bikes are just goons. It did not cross his mind to refuse such an evil command instead he decided to prove to his demon that he was a master rider and gave chase. As I weaved up and down the narrow road leading to my house, they kept on my tail like a tomahawk cruise missile.

This was the Duke of Shomolu about to be assassinated in Shomolu what an irony. 47 years of self less service and being rewarded by a cassock wearing twit attempting to lure me to the ritualistic dens that litter ikorodu. Panic set in and I was really in a state as I tried to dislodge him. How do you dislodge a charlatan on a bike on a narrow road driving a V8 engine with almost monster wheels. I was so conspicuous and stuck out like a sore thumb. I called a friend who advised, I drive straight to the near Army barracks but there was a good 200 meters between me and this perceived sanctuary.

At some point, I decided to slow down and really see if it as not my imagination playing tricks on me. But alas I was correct, as I slowed down, he too slowed down. As I tried to drive against traffic, he did the same and I stopped, he stopped a good twenty meters from me and waited still staring hard at me wondering why his occulting nuances was not working at getting me hypnotized.

Finally, I got to the Army Barracks and drove in. Parked my car and ran to the well armed soldiers with my story. What amazed me was that they actually believed and this gave me the creeps. They had seen too many of these and this time they were going to do something about it. They asked if I could recognize him if I saw him and I answered in the affirmative and we moved towards the gate and truly speaking there stood in all his cassock glory the son of Belzebub waiting for his ibibio prince.

I pointed him out. His blue cap giving him out and his mean mien making him look like a bonfire of evil. As he saw me pointing him out, he crossed to the other side of the road and made to enter what we call a Keke Marwa. The soldiers moved and accosted him.

He knew me in ikorodu and only wanted to say hello and when I pretended not to know him, he was baffled becuase we used to meet at the praying grounds in ikorodu. The soldiers did not buy his story as he could not explain why he then trailed me for over 500 meters on a bike since I had already said I did not know him. He could also not give us a description of his house and did not have his wife's phone number. He wanted to buy a car and wanted me to assist him in buying this car.

By this time the news had gone round that an assassination attempt had just been made on the life of the Duke of Shomolu and all the 'area boys' came out in their thousands singing and dancing and getting ready to unleash an orgy of violence. I realized immediately that I was now in more trouble becuase this mob was going to lynch this person and I will now appear on Linda Ikeji as the main protagonist.

I begged the soldiers to kindly take the guy into their barracks, they refused and kept interrogating him with intermittent slaps . The area boys pleading and begging to be allowed to join the session. They're hands were itching. They were singing my praise, 'Edgar baba BMW, Edgar that just buried his father in law, edgar that bought me ogogoro just last week' edgar ke aghhhhhhh, aye mi ooooo' one of them actually cried like I was his father. I had never met him prior to this. He pulled his shirt rolling on the floor, smashing bottles and threatening to kill himself if they did not give him access to this mad man. Kai, I did not know what to do o. To beg the area boys or the soldiers who had this time turned violent and had turned the guys face into a punching bag further disfiguring him. The area boys did not like the monopoly of violence the soldiers arrogated to themselves and we're getting bolder by the minute. I was actually seeing a fight between the two groups looming.

Finally a patrol team of policemen came by and I ran to them, those fools, quickly grabbed me asking me to enter their smelly truck. One of them asked me who I was and I told him I was a banker. He said, 'na lie with these kind tattoo who give you bank' staring at the tattoo of my daughter Zara on my left arm. He accused me of causing public disorder and that I was lucky that the mob had not lynched the man just yet. Realizing that these were not the saviors that we're foretold, I ran back to the soldiers telling them what happened.

The soldiers, bless their soul accompanied me to the station where my statement was taken. The Area boys also arrived by this time they were up to 100 singing and dancing with empty bottles of local gin. The satans emissary confessed to trying to hypnotize me, stating that he actually got me but did not know how I snapped out of it and that was why he was following me. Apparently, he was on a fact finding mission to discover how and why I snapped out of it so that he would know how to be more successful next time. This was research gone wrong for him.

The soldiers asked the policemen to release me and do whatever they wanted to do with the fiend. So I left the station straight to the nearest ATM machine with three groups of saviors. The police, the Army and the Area boys. My people all three groups wanted to be paid for the roles they all played in saving my life. By the time they finished with me, I was calling my daughter Chantal to ask if there was still anymore money in her piggy bank. I should not have bothered.

People the police say these things happen in December and that we should all be very vigilant. So this is how I would have found myself in the bushes of Ikorodu stark naked with my hands cupping my genitals and begging for my life. Would they have listened?

I thank God and will be at the MFM tomorrow to really dance hallelujah . God be praised.

http://josephedgarng..com.ng/2016/12/diary-failed-attempt-to-kidnap-me.html

Lalasticlala, Seun, puskin, dominique, naijacutee, FOD, Mynd44, OAM4J, DisGuy, justwise, HumbledbYGrace, mukina2, osystein

THANKS TO THE ALMIGHTY

Thank God you escaped o. But I found some parts funny. One of them actually started weeping! why did you not take pictures? You are lucky sha. So you are a man of the people? Good.

how did u managed to escape his charms! That is my question.

you are just too lucky, very lucky indeed!

Surely God loves you
Kai....I am tired of the drama that keeps happening in this country of ours. One must continually pray for God's protection and guidance. God bless and keep us.

Zehner:
Surely God loves you
Kai....I am tired of the drama that keeps happening in this country of ours. One must continually pray for God's protection and guidance. God bless and keep us.

There is no God. But I digress... How are you?

Edgar Baba oo. I get one Bros, goes by that exact name and I almost thought it was him here. Especially as he is also given to the dramatic
However, he fancies himself the Duke of Igando, not Shomolu. So.
@the crazed Alfa, he was just amplifying the basic rule of the con. Boldness/Conviction/Intensity. No be why we dey call them Con(confidence) men in the first place?
Nothing like jazz, although I'm not saying he mightn't have drank concoctions and laced himself with amulets to fully get into character. Not saying you wouldn't be in an ikorodu bush cupping your balls as we speak - had he succeeded.
All in all, better the Con man(pastor) in church than Alfa kamikaze.

BoboYekini:
There is no God. But I digress... How are you?

I am fine. How have you been? It's been a while.

Zehner:
I am fine. How have you been? It's been a while.

Hmm. I dey where you leave me Na. You're shining oo

BoboYekini:
Hmm. I dey where you leave me Na. You're shining oo

shou...na you abandon me o...as par doing. .na God o and don't tell me there is no God

Zehner:
shou...na you abandon me o...as par doing. .na God o and don't tell me there is no God

I tell pretty gals whatever they wanna hear

BoboYekini:
I tell pretty gals whatever they wanna hear

indeed. Where did you dissappear to....it's been ages

Zehner:
indeed. Where did you dissappear to....it's been ages

I always check on you from time to time Na.

such a funny story, op. LOL.

BoboYekini:
I alwoays check on you from time to time Na.

really? I didn't know that

Zehner:
really? I didn't know that

Zehner is looking all set from top all the way down. you fine sha

Mayflowa:


Zehner is looking all set from top all the way down. you fine sha

hehe....thoinks. ayam blushing