It took me 365 days to compose this, so it's not gonna be short - I promise you that. So, readers' discretion not advised. Don't be annoyed if you get this message more than once, probably cos you're on more than a single social media platform with me. If you feel annoyed, please delete yourself for the time being. I've got to do this once in a year. Thank you.
On the 4th of January 199....scrap that, this is not Prof Amusan, he's just my project supervisor.
I thank Almighty Allah for the gift of life, I say 'Alhamdulilahi Robil Alamin'. (Bad belle, you don't believe I know Arabic? Come on, I'm an Alfa...just undercover). I appreciate my parents, both the living and the dead. I appreciate them for giving birth to me on this very day, cos I've not been able to celebrate my birthday amidst classmates since nursery school since this day alwaiz fall on holiday. Else people would have realized how poor I am to even celebrate my birthday. I also appreciate them for the proper upbringing, may they eat the fruit of their labour. I appreciate my grandma for giving me a pack of TomTom to celebrate, so when you guys see me, remember to collect your TomTom!
I appreciate my siblings, for putting up with my numerous bullshits. My blood brothers from another parents, we still gonna conquer the world together. My best friends, may God bless you guys. The friends that became family, even when the world is against you, family has got your back, I thank you guys. My bestest friend, that's my mobile phone! I pray I get money to upgrade you. How much is iPhone1½? I don't like iPhone 7, I heard it has fingerprint detector. I appreciate my not-girlfriend, thank you for undating me, let's go back to the future. (I wuz there, I saw us dating - as per Hollywood sci-fi naw). I appreciate my enemies too, whose presence the Lord has been serving my food. I appreciate the first caller, up to the hundredth, no kidding. MTN even called me with a different strange number. I appreciate the first messenger, the first flasher too (kid bruh, that's you). Those that wish me 'happy womb escape', I hate this greeting. Is womb a war zone that had to be escaped?
I appreciate those whu have helped me mentally, physically (I enrolled in a gym class, as per six pack goals buh I realized #10 worth of eba doesn't satisfy me anymore so I stopped), financially (I'm still using first bank PLC: 3056959326) and academically (pls, do not relent, we still have one final semester exam before graduation). I appreciate those who forgot to wish me a happy birthday, I understand recession is still on and harmattan still freeze MMM. To you all I say 'gracia hombre'. I don't want to mention names to avoid what happens in Nollywood Yoruba movies. No kidding, goan see Aiyelabowo.
My new year alwaiz start not on the 1st of January buh on the 4th buh I'm done making new year resolution. Did I even remember last year's resolution? I mean whu knew a not-50cl sachet of pure water would cost #20. Let's just go with the flow, may God abide by each and everyone of us as we proceed in our daily activities. One thing is sure though, I'll be a graduate and I'm excited. E no easy mehn, got admission since 2011 to study a 5 years course. This is 2017, laini carry over. You're right, it's OAU.
My birthday is usually when I'm most happy cos you wonderful people remember me, I feel like a celebrity. That's why I do the chore I hate most on my birthday - laundry - to suppress the happiness so I won't burst. The spread line even broke and I redid my laundry happily. So if you have any dirty clothes, send them via alli express. I won't lie, I expected all these felicitations, so I'm not surprised. I'm just overgasted and flabberwhelmed that y'all didn't disappoint me. I'm grateful. Without you guys, who are my ( that's how they write 'who am I?' in Ibadan, you can check the stickers on their danfo). Thank you for rejoicing my closeness to death...lifespan = -1.
If you got this message and you didn't wish me a happy birthday, begin to pray...cos *make I just keep shut*.
Truly eniyan laso mhi. Truly legends are born in January. Truly eleje lon di legend.
Reception follows not immediately on Saturday 7th at Premier Hotel Ibadan. Strictly by invitation.
RSVP : 08148915599.
Signed: Durodoye Jubril Akinwumi Oluwafemi aka Jubriano aka EdiblePrince aka Jubhrit aka Jubrilyn aka Prince Jub Ri Lee aka Barrack O'bril.
DJ, play me 'Olojoibi' by the legendary late Dr. Sikiru Ayinde Barrister ( Don't mind me, I grew up in an Ibadan family).