Last night after work, I went to the gym with two of my co-workers. We were gabbing about girl stuff while we warmed up.

“I need to get my legs strong for cowgirl sex!” my one co-worker said as she squatted.

My other co-worker laughed. “Jake* likes when I do this one thing to his butt …”

I don’t have a boyfriend. I’m also currently not having sex, so I figured I should stay out of the conversation. My input was NOT valuable here. So with nothing to contribute to the guy talk, I chose to focus more on perfecting my burpee form.

When I got home, I took a long, hot shower. I ate some pretzels. I threw my backpack on the floor, lit some candles and crawled into bed. There was a joint on my windowsill, rolled and ready to go, and I’d been waiting all day to smoke it. I lit one end and puffed slowly. Three puffs in, I was already too in my head to pay attention to the episode of “The Office” blaring in the background, so I just kind of sat there dwelling.

And I felt lonely.

Why the f*ck do I feel so lonely? Do other people feel this way when they’re alone at home? I thought. Or is it just me? And if it is just me, then why is it just me? Ugh, here I go, spiraling …

“Unworthy,” a book that my boss had given me about cultivating self-love, was staring at me from its place on my nightstand. I thought about picking it up. Then I thought about opening my brand new coloring book lodged somewhere on my bookshelf between “Ishmael” and Mindy Kaling’s “Why Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?”

It was like I was spending every moment of my post-work alone time warding off loneliness. That stupid f*cking relentlessly nagging loneliness.

Earlier that day, I’d asked my female co-workers in our company chat how many of them are in relationships and how many are single. Not everyone answered, but here were the responses from the girls who did:

Sh*t. No wonder I feel so lonely. I spend my day surrounded by people in relationships. And no hate against them, but I kind of feel like a reject. A subhuman. Plain wrong for not doing what everyone else is doing.

My therapist told me that whenever those feelings of loneliness strike, I should sit with them, not fight them. Befriend them, even. This was hard for me to do because I always try to fight them by self-destructing: I’ll get too high, too contemplative, eat to the point of a self-induced stomach flu.

So I didn’t eat myself into a coma. I didn’t color or read to distract myself, either. Instead, I sat cross-legged on my bed and looked out the window. I watched the people walk by beneath me. I noticed I was hungry and thought about making a meal. I heard my neighbor’s dogs barking, begging my neighbor to take them outside. I wish I had a f*cking dog, I thought to myself while enveloped in strawberry-scented marijuana smoke.

And then I cried. It felt good to cry, I’ll give my therapist that much. But I’d never tell her just how often I feel lonely. I don’t want her to worry unnecessarily, so I’m telling you guys instead.

If I cried every time I felt lonely, though, I’d cry a helluva lot, and that’s the problem. Because I feel lonely every time I’m alone.

So I try to avoid being alone as much as possible. But I can’t spend my life running from myself.

How do I block out the outside world and just do me? How do I remember that my path is my path, and that path requires being alone a lot, and that just because it’s different doesn’t mean it’s wrong?

Loneliness is a special kind of monster. It can consume you when you’re in a room full of people, or it can sneak up on you when you’re all by yourself. Loneliness is just a state of mind, but it can turn into a disease if you let it. And I’ve got to find a cure.


Culled from Pamlchat

eyaaaaaaaa.....but I cnt be lonely...cos God is always with me

Better to walk alone than move with a group of vision less friends.

Good things come to those who wait and prepare for it. Improve yourself while you can: learn a trade, handwork, new hobby, new certification.

Don't hide yourself in your flat or office. Go out, have fun, smile, be friendly with people.

Your friends should run from you because life seems to be a competition with you. How many more competitions are you going to run against your friends? And how long before you get frustrated and start to try to sabotage their own happiness since your are unhappy?

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