Salam alaykum. I want to start with the most famous thread I opened with my initial account.

At the time, I wasn't interested in being in a relationship. Everything was for the fun of it. This part of the forum was usually so calm with not much discussions going on. One of my attempts at getting the needed participation was that thread, which ended up being for the most part, a success.


I am opening this one as an addendum. Most of the discussions we had then still hold true. But my ideas do have some modifications.

Following. ...

Deols, can you tell us why you're still single?

Hope those Alfas no break your heart?

following

tintingz:
Deols, can you tell us why you're still single?

Hope those Alfas no break your heart?

Which Alfa?

I remember that on that thread, many people wrote the qualities they want in the opposite sex. Mine must have been the longest.

Nothing has changed though. I still want all of those qualities.

Someone said in a post I read somewhere that a vast majority of women don't end up marrying the kinds of men they want. But men would usually, almost all the time go after what they want and majority will get just that. But why the disparity among both sexes?

Women are made to believe a lot of things, like, 'time is not on your side' . So, they end up choosing what's available. Some other women, when they see their mates getting married, feel left out and go for the next available man. Some are pushed by material gains and others by societal pressure. NOTE THAT I am not judging them for their reasons or choice. It does turn out good for some and may turn out bad for others.

But should this be the case? ImO, No. The choice you are making should be based solely on rational grounds, that this is what you want, deserve, and can live with.

The result of this is that women in our society end up spending almost all of their time and life trying to be the perfect 'wife material', while the men are just 'there'. I see many girls starving to look young and beautiful in order to attract men. But for what kind of man? The one that disrespects you, doesn't lift a hand to help you, and himself is an eyesore? I'd like a society where no woman is pressured into making the wrong decision towards marriage.

Now to my experience, I did realise that humans are imperfect. I am imperfect myself and the idea of a perfect person is non existent. This allows for patience in understanding others, giving room for their fallibility and as well allows for compromise.

Like I may just do with a goodlooking one without literary prowess and I'd be just fine with it.



You all should drop comments. what is your experience and what characteristics do you seek the most. which ones can you not deal with?











I will talk later, in sha Allah about the importance of self esteem in relationships.

deolsisback:


Which Alfa?

Awon alfa, Brothers in Islam.

Women are being pressured to marry early in Africa society, giving room for depression, low self esteem and rejection. Women that are not married are seen as useless, egoistic, proud etc. A lady in a thread even said "there is no respect for unmarried ladies" and i was like WTF! So a women must be married before she can earn respect from people? This is what african and religious women are programmed to believe in.

There was a report about a police woman that committed suicide because her fiancé dumped her, the lady in the picture is kind of chubby and she's 31 years of age, I'm very sure she suffered low self esteem and depression.

https://www.nairaland.com/3762686/ghanaian-police-officer-commits-suicide

Marriage shouldn't be something to rush in because sometimes "the way one rush in is the same way he/she will rush out or continuing living in stoic syndrome".

following

tintingz:
Women are being pressured to marry early in Africa society, giving room for depression, low self esteem and rejection. Women that are not married are seen as useless, egoistic, proud etc. A lady in a thread even said "there is no respect for unmarried ladies" and i was like WTF! So a women must be married before she can earn respect from people? This is what african and religious women are programmed to believe in.

There is a report about a police woman that committed suicide because her fiancé dumped her, the lady in the picture is kind of chubby and she's 31 years of age, I'm very sure she suffered low self esteem and depression.

https://www.nairaland.com/3762686/ghanaian-police-officer-commits-suicide

Marriage shouldn't be something to rush in because sometimes "the way one rush in is the same way he/she will rush out or continuing living in stoic syndrome".

I can relate with that. When it comes to marriage, especially with we females, the society doesn't help issues. Most times they fail to realize that we have our choice nd preference and it only takes the strong ones to defy societal pressures. it's sickening tho

Tefs:


I can relate with that. When it comes to marriage, especially with we females, the society doesn't help issues. Most times they fail to realize that we have our choice nd preference and it only takes the strong ones to defy societal pressures. it's sickening tho

Marriage is a beautiful thing no doubt but to some it is a disaster, the way some people pressure someone to marry you will think that marriage is like happily ever after like in Disney movies or soap opera.

I once argued with my boss a lady, she said those that are not married are regretting and I asked if some of those that are married are not regretting getting married? and I showed her news about domestic violence that led to killing/murder of some couples, she just kept quite.

tintingz:
Marriage is a beautiful thing no doubt but to some it is a disaster, the way some people pressure someone to marry you will think that marriage is like happily ever after like in Disney movies or soap opera.

I once argued with my boss a lady, she said those that are not married are regretting and I asked if some of those that are married are not regretting getting married? and I showed her news about domestic violence that led to killing/murder of some couples, she just kept quite.

Lol. and some people have really fell for the "happily ever after" theme. Our society needs serious overhauling nd orientation. The domestic violence part do weaken me. While some marriages would make you want to get married like immediately, some marriages would simply remind you not to smell anything marriage. May Allah grant us the best of spouse.

of course, marriage is beautiful with the right partner.

Asalamu alaykum
My name is Al-ameen, AGE 18, student,hausa, musician,writer,dancer and lastly single.

NB: am not searching for a wife.

Tefs:


Lol. and some people have really fell for the "happily ever after" theme. Our society needs serious overhauling nd orientation. The domestic violence part do weaken me. While some marriages would make you want to get married like immediately, some marriages would simply remind you not to smell anything marriage. May Allah grant us the best of spouse.

of course, marriage is beautiful with the right partner.

Well said.. Ameen.

See what I was saying, disaster in some marriage, Mercy Aigbe's 7 years marriage crashes like Russian drone, she has been in stoic syndrome for years, enduring domestic violence.

Mercy Aigbe's Marriage Crashes Over Alleged Battering. See Battered Face
https://www.nairaland.com/3768431/mercy-aigbes-marriage-crashes-over

Opemititi 'Queen Stunner' Crashed Mercy Aigbe's Marriage (Photos)
https://www.nairaland.com/3768582/opemititi-queen-stunner-crashed-mercy

tintingz:
Marriage is a beautiful thing no doubt but to some it is a disaster, the way some people pressure someone to marry you will think that marriage is like happily ever after like in Disney movies or soap opera.

I once argued with my boss a lady, she said those that are not married are regretting and I asked if some of those that are married are not regretting getting married? and I showed her news about domestic violence that led to killing/murder of some couples, she just kept quite.

Even women who are suffering in their marriages will be pressuring others to go into it.

I don't understand what the fuss is about

Tefs:


Lol. and some people have really fell for the "happily ever after" theme. Our society needs serious overhauling nd orientation. The domestic violence part do weaken me. While some marriages would make you want to get married like immediately, some marriages would simply remind you not to smell anything marriage. May Allah grant us the best of spouse.

of course, marriage is beautiful with the right partner.

Even the ones that make you want to get married immediately may not be as good as they appear

Note that marriage is a beautiful thing when it's with the right person and my intention is never to discourage it.

I am aware that many young girls are lured into marriages, especially by so-called alfas. I met a girl not long ago and she asked me how I escaped being married. She said most of the Muslims she knew while in school got married. I know it is part of the preaching among the MSS. I have seen many of such girls struggle with taking care of themselves and home, as well as trying to start a business or make ends meet. Majority are not mature enough for the responsibility before they jump into it. So I wonder how they view marriage. A means for legal sex and procreation only?

Anyone going into marriage should not just be physically but also mentally, financially and as well psychologically sound.

The hadith often quoted by those who clamour for marriage is that 'marriage is half of the deen. But can't the way the marriage goes down lead you to sin? I think it is only half of your deen if truly it helps you to be better at your deen. If you marry a woman and beat her to a pulp at every opportunity, I think that you are committing grave sins. and If you are married, u are not satisfied with it and commit zina as a result, you are playing with hell fire. Below is an article from Islamqa that echoes my thought.

Published Date: 2003-03-23
Praise be to Allaah.
The Sunnah indicates that it is prescribed to get married, and that it is one of the Sunnahs of the Messengers. By getting married a person can, with the help of Allaah, overcome many of the traps of evil, for marriage helps him to lower his gaze and guard his chastity, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said in the hadeeth, “O young men, whoever among you can afford it, let him get married, for it is more effective in lowering the gaze and guarding chastity…” Agreed upon.

Al-Haakim narrated in al-Mustadrak from Anas, in a marfoo’ report: “Whomever Allaah blesses with a righteous wife, He has helped him with half of his religion, so let him fear Allaah with regard to the other half.”

Al-Bayhaqi narrated in Shu’ab al-Eemaan from al-Raqaashi: “When a person gets married he has completed half of his religion, so let him fear Allaah with regard to the other half.” Al-Albaani said of these two hadeeths in Saheeh al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb (1916): “(They are) hasan li ghayrihi.”

And Allaah is the Source of strength.

deolsisback:
Note that marriage is a beautiful thing when it's with the right person and my intention is never to discourage it.

I am aware that many young girls are lured into marriages, especially by so-called alfas. I met a girl not long ago and she asked me how I escaped being married. She said most of the Muslims she knew while in school got married. I know it is part of the preaching among the MSS. I have seen many of such girls struggle with taking care of themselves and home, as well as trying to start a business or make ends meet. Majority are not mature enough for the responsibility before they jump into it. So I wonder how they view marriage. A means for legal sex and procreation only?

Anyone going into marriage should not just be physically but also mentally, financially and as well psychologically sound.

Agreed

What to do while you are single.


Many young women despair because of their state of being single. They worry a lot especially when their mates are getting married. I tell you, it's a complete waste of emotions.

Instead of mopping about not finding the perfect man, I believe it's the time to be the perfect person. It may seem uneasy but you have to give it a try. Some things you can do.

1. Make yourself more beautiful. Yes, I mean that. I am not even saying that you should make yourself attractive. Whatever you think will make you beautiful, and have greater confidence in yourself, take steps towards it and get it done. But don't go extreme. Don't do dangerous things like bleaching and using fake things on yourself. You can lose weight or gain it, take care of your skin too. There are many natural remedies out there for skin care. Google is your friend dear. I'd like to use Myself as an example on this. In my teenage and early twenties, I was very slim and didn't consider that I could ever be described as fat. I got carried away, then suddenly, I was fat myself. While going through medical school, especially at a time when I felt like I had no business doing anything else but face my studies, I gained much weight. In the last two years I focused on losing it, on a gradual steady state. Now, my dress size is an 8! and I looove myself for it. My self confidence, although not ever down, actually rose.

2. Improve on your skills/abilities. This is important. You as a single person is expected to have more free time on your hands than your married friends. Here is the time to use it wisely. Get a better degree, skill, become an entrepreneur, etc. I had a senior colleague once who had a professional exam to write. I watched as she spent almost all her weekends at work, busy with her work. I expected her to pass and she did and now, she is even planning her wedding. Now imagine that she wasted all of that time getting emotional about being single? she might end up failing and her timing would still not have changed.

3. Do things you enjoy. Have a hobby. This might even be what would bring your partner close to you. Are there sporting activities, games, readers clubs, Islamic lectures you like to attend. please do and make yourself useful and join community development programmes. I love travelling and this comes with so much benefits. It's increased my view of the world, helped me meet new people, experience diverse cultures, etc.

4. Pray. Someone once said that if you want something enough, you'd pray tahajjud over it. And that's true. This is a time to ask God for what you want. The way you want your marriage to be, your career goals, your children, etc. Spend all of your God given time at this time to ask him for what you want. Don't join anybody in seeking soothsayers to know who you are compatible with. Face Allahu azzawajal. Read more on Islam and get better acquainted with what's right.

5. Have the right company.

6. Be good and change your character flaws. If there is something about you that many people are complaining about, have introspection and work on it. Don't say you can't change. You can and pray about it.

Imagine the kind of person you think you deserve. Now imagine the kind of person that person thinks he/she deserves and that can help you realise the kind of work you have to do on yourself. Self growth is important. Don't be satisfied with being just there and expecting manna to fall from heaven.

tintingz:
Women are being pressured to marry early in Africa society, giving room for depression, low self esteem and rejection. Women that are not married are seen as useless, egoistic, proud etc. A lady in a thread even said "there is no respect for unmarried ladies" and i was like WTF! So a women must be married before she can earn respect from people? This is what african and religious women are programmed to believe in.

There was a report about a police woman that committed suicide because her fiancé dumped her, the lady in the picture is kind of chubby and she's 31 years of age, I'm very sure she suffered low self esteem and depression.

https://www.nairaland.com/3762686/ghanaian-police-officer-commits-suicide

Marriage shouldn't be something to rush in because sometimes "the way one rush in is the same way he/she will rush out or continuing living in stoic syndrome".

That's an unfortunate case. Nobody is worth dying over. It's good to have a high self esteem.

^

Actually, case tintingz cited is different. Thats love matter. She was jilted. Many cases like this happen even in so called civilized world. You see ladies on fb posting "if your man doesn't get mad, commit suicide or beat you up bcus u left him shows that he doesn't love you to begin with".

This statement simply means that they actually want thug in relationship

Empiree:
^

Actually, case tintingz cited is different. Thats love matter. She was jilted. Many cases like this happen even in so called civilized world. You see ladies on fb posting "if your man doesn't get mad, commit suicide or beat you up bcus u left him shows that he doesn't love you to begin with".

This statement simply means that they actually want thug in relationship

Many people that were jilted in relationship mostly revenge by hurting the person not taking their own life, I'm not saying people don't commit suicide for love but it goes beyond love. Can someone pretty and curvy like Omotola Jalade commit suicide on top a man? Or someone with high esteem with good earning commit suicide on top a man? The least they do is hurt the person back.

The said lady in that link was a policewoman, she can deal with her ex-fiancé if she wants to but instead she killed herself, reason because at her age(31) she's expected to be married in Africa society, the pressure will lead to depression and secondly she's chubby(don't wanna use fat), chubby ladies are most time have low self esteem. Many People don't go for counseling here in Nigeria.

Welcome back sis deols.
Looking back to what transpired on your previous thread, I can say that a lot of my notions and opinions about marriage and family was shaped back then.
The marriage issue is a delicate one, and the pressure believe me is not on the sisters alone. Brothers too are under pressure to "stop wasting time ".

[quote author=deolsisback post=56063243]

Even the ones that make you want to get married immediately may not be as good as they appear[/quote

I believe no marriage is perfect and no two individual can ever be the same. it all boils down to how two people can perfectly manage their differences and see the best out of every ugly situation.

tintingz:
Many people that were jilted in relationship mostly revenge by hurting the person not taking their own life, I'm not saying people don't commit suicide for love but it goes beyond love. Can someone pretty and curvy like Omotola Jalade commit suicide on top a man? Or someone with high esteem with good earning commit suicide on top a man? The least they do is hurt the person back.

The said lady in that link was a policewoman, she can deal with her ex-fiancé if she wants to but instead she killed herself, reason because at her age(31) she's expected to be married in Africa society, the pressure will lead to depression and secondly she's chubby(don't wanna use fat), chubby ladies are most time have low self esteem. Many People don't go for counseling here in Nigeria.

I agree with you

kayword:
Welcome back sis deols.
Looking back to what transpired on your previous thread, I can say that a lot of my notions and opinions about marriage and family was shaped back then.
The marriage issue is a delicate one, and the pressure believe me is not on the sisters alone. Brothers too are under pressure to "stop wasting time ".

You are right. The pressure is on brothers too.

What baffles me is that, the 'pressurers' have nothing to offer the pressured. Just pressure and pressure noni

But it's helpful when you can stand your ground. After all, you will be the one to live in the marriage and deal with the consequences of it. Both financial and emotional.

Following

[quote author=Tefs post=56106671][/quote]

I agree with you. As I said earlier you can't expect perfection from another human being. You will have the earlier times when you are trying to get used to each other's differences. Many challenges will come up. Your ability to deal with them will go a long way.

What marriage offers us

"And among His Signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He put love and mercy between your hearts. Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." [Sûrah Rûm: 21]

People forget these parts of the Qur'an about love and mercy.


The main point of marriage is so that you may dwell in tranquility with each other. For me, that's the point. But how many people get married for these reasons?

Buttressing Article from http://en.islamtoday.net/artshow-290-3192.htm

We should think about this verse of the Qur'ân. We should consider it well. What does it tell us about married life?

The verse tells us quite clearly that the marital relationship is to be established on a basis of mutual understanding, compassion, and love. Moreover, this relationship is a reciprocal one. It is not one-way. This relationship something that both the husband and wife must maintain together with closeness, affection, softness of heart, and mutual caring. This is the way that the "tranquility" mentioned in the verse is realized.

The measure of marital success is in the harmony and openness of the marital relationship. Its failure can be measured in the degree of discord and emotional imbalance it suffers from.

Marriage is one of the noblest of human relationships. It is the very foundation of society. Allah has established a strong foundation for this relationship.

Love and affection are translated into action through kindness of expression, leniency in conduct, sincerity, mutual respect, and other behaviors. Tranquility comes about through their familiarity for one another, their natural sense of ease and comfort in being together, their need for each other. This reciprocity of feeling comes from their common origins. Allah says in the verse: "…mates from among yourselves." Adam and Eve were from a common source. She was created from him. This is why the two genders are always longing to be completed by each other.

When a marriage is just starting off, this is most obvious. The emotional bonds are strong and easy for both parties to maintain. These are the romantic times. However, this romance wanes over time. Even the love and affection that the feel for each other can grow cold. Routine sets in. Tension can easily replace affection. The mutual desire they once had for each other can be lost.

Dissonance enters into a marriage when one party ceases to carry out the positive role that the relationship demands. This makes the marriage tedious and tiresome for both husband and wife. The basic ingredients of the married life become tepid. Instead of the beautiful rhythms of a happy marriage, new rhythms begin to take hold, beating with a desire to do away with the marriage altogether. Harmony in marriage requires real and substantial effort from both parties. Otherwise, there will be discord.

They can easily become the victims of mutual neglect and negative attitudes. It could start with one of them, but soon enough this coldness and negativity will become something that they share.

But does this mean their love for each other dead?

Not at all – as long as their love for each other had been true form the start. If they had felt deeply for each other and had taken comfort and satisfaction in each other's company, then their love will still be very much alive, just buried under layers of neglect and muffled by a deafening silence. It will have receded into the background, lost in all the distractions of their busy lives.

We will find that their love resurfaces at times of crisis or hardship, like when one of them falls seriously ill. Then we see the other spouse's concern and love, sitting worriedly at the bedside, all arguments and disagreements forgotten.

Their love is alive, but their emotional connection had cooled down far too much. Sometimes this has to do with emotional problems that one spouse is suffering from. In this case, the other party must try to help that person get out of their emotional rut.

However, often the problem is simply that of taking each other for granted. Life becomes too much of a routine. This can happen after years of marriage. Behaviors and words that had once been invested with affection and significance become mere gestures and habitual acts.

This situation can be cured. It behooves us to point out that it is certainly not cured by laying the blame on either the husband or the wife. Accusations do not help. Listening to one another does. Each part needs to hear what the other is feeling and suffering from without blame or censure. There solution is not in pronouncing judgment on this one or that, but in seeking a way to cultivate that love and restore it to the level it once was.

Sometimes what is needed is forgiveness. This is a cure that Allah calls us towards. Forgiveness and clemency are among the best qualities a person can have.

Allah says: "Be quick in the race for forgiveness from your Lord, and for a Garden whose width is that of the heavens and of the earth, prepared for the righteous – who spend in ease and in adversity, who control their wrath and are forgiving toward others. Allah loves those who do good." [Sûrah Al `Imrân: 133-134]

Finally, sometimes the problem is boredom. The couple should to put some spice back into the marriage and dispel the tedium. If they cannot work out their problems on their own, they should not feel shy to seek advice or counseling from someone they trust, especially someone specialized in marital problems. They should never seek the advice of mere acquaintances, since it is never good to talk about one's problems except in total confidence.