We started well about 2 years ago and after 4 months into the relationship, she told me she was pregnant for me. Her people said the only option was marriage and I was not psychologically and otherwise prepared for that. And I said NO.

Truely, I loved her, but from day one, I told her I was not in for marriage. She equally made me know her people would not allow her to go beyond her locality for marriage (we are not from the same state, and she is of the poeple that consider themselves to be superior). We settled for just serious relationship until the news of mixed feeling. Besides, I am an anti abortionist and I did everything to protect the babies (twins: boy and girl) the much I could.

I was working and she had graduatd (27 year old). So I found it difficult to believe it was just a mistake. Besides, there is no doubt about the perternity of the babies: they are my carbon copies! Though her people would not give me an access just because I did not aggree with them, I had been in constant contact with my woman.

The issue is that I have tried to let anybody who cares to listen that I would take care of the babies and the mother, and would also marry her (the mother of my babies, you know!) but she had wanted it to be with immediate effect. And she seems to be tired of waiting. I had suffered shock from the news of the pregnancy which made me to make expensive mistakes in my business and told her that I need time to recover psychologically and financially but she would not understand.

Two days ago, she returned my engagement ring after spending the weekend in my house. She left with a PROMISE to DEAL with me and even my family, claiming that I do not love her and would not marry her. I had visited her where she is doing her NYSC on several occasions where she addressed me as her HUSBAND.

, and our babies are now sixteen (16) months old. What do you think is the cause of her latest action? Where have I gone wrong? What do you expect me to do? Could it be she met someone with a 'better' promise during last Christmass period?

Thanks for having time to read from my CONFUSED heart.

No girl likes the idea of having kids without a wedding ring on her finger, it degrades her personality and the kids are being seen as bastards, You do know the african culture. She might just be frustrated, which is not difficult to understand. She'll come around or better still go and talk things over with her, make her understand you love her very much, and need some time. Communication is the key 

P.s: But if you don't love her, then try to be there for your kids. Don't get married just because you think you're doing the kids a favour. They're better off with two parents who love them than two parents who spend 2/3 of their time not getting along and ignoring the kids

Yes you must marry her because when you know that you are not ready to marry why then did you go to that extents of sleep with her @ the first instance & not only that the lady had a set of twins for you, you should even be happy because many people that have money than you are looking for Child but God so love give you a children @ first time you should be congratulating the lady self, Not that i'm trying to be asch but just want to tell you that you should also consider the lady's age & thing that she will be facing @ home, Please BABA Ibeji call your wife & solve thing amicably if she knows that you are really the owner of her Children her change in behaviour may result to the fact that you are not so much caring about her, you know that there is a big difference in a married Lady with  a set of twins that a lady having a set of babies out of Wedlock, plz call her & solve thing jejely,  GOD will help you oooo

yes u must marry her

u shud have tot bout that b4 u knocked her out

I beg where is mamaput se you naa hear wetin this guy{Alis baba IBEJI} dey yan for moutn, i beg make una speak to him head joooooo

I'm grateful for the responses so far.

Actually, it is not that I can not marry her. It is that I have the fear that if she is not in this condition, she would have decided otherwise. Besides, I believe in the test of time, which will equally help me to be fully prepared.

In fact, many things she said in her last visit tells me that she has something up stairs, . And I have to sacrifice all I can even if for the sake of the babies.

I will call bach. Thanks.

I think that's one of the strongest weapon ladies use to lock a man down. If you got into it, I guess you have to face the consequences.
Ladies are always shopping around, and if they don't stop by your store any more. They have got what they want. If you disagree, go figure.

istar

_{talk sense next time plz}

Bros do what's right!It might be a little akward but remember the kids, love etc would come later!Forget the novels and teary-eyed films!Follow your heart!

Hi Vesta,
am sorry about the situation you are in now. The only reason why i think she is acting that way is that she feels that you are beginning to change your mind about formalizing your union with her. Remember that she has a child now, a set of twins for that matter. If her head is telling her that you are not going to marry her, she will be scared because it will be difficult for another to marry her and accept her childen. Even if he does, his family will object. Correct if am wrong, no man will want to raise another man's son, right. Try to reason with her by assuring her that you love her,(that is, if you do) and then tell her you love her and your babies more than any thing in this world. All she need from you now is reassurance that you are standing by her side, that's all. Show her that you are serious about her by meeting her parents formally, if you havent done that already.
However, if you dont love her or feel anything for her, don't marry her, not even for the sake of the childsren. Love is the foundation of every good marriage and if you marry her without loving her, you'll only be entering into a difficult contract. Never marry out of pity, no. If you think of doing it for the sake of your children, you'll also be doing the wrong thing because it will be difficult for them to grow in a home where there's no love between their parents. Whatever you decide to do, do the right thing and think about tomorrow. Good Luck.

You have to marry her or at least start making plans to let her realize that you intend to. No woman would like to left in that state and the man still recovering "psychologically" , what do you think she is going through herself?? if you love her and your kids, then marry her!!!

You really do have to marry her like everyone else has said.

A problem shared is half solved, they say. For the first time, I am beggining to recover since I introduced this problem of mine.

However, I promise to let those of you who spent your precious times reading/replying to my problems know the end of the story whenever it shall be.

As I have long ago taken the blame of sleeping with the mother of my babies for the first time, I wouldn't want to go into the detail of how it happened. Whatever it was, a set of twins (which is blessing indeed) came out of the affair, even though we did not plan it so. , and it all happened when I my papers to the seminary (Missionaries) just arrived, hence the shock. Besides, I never lusted for her, and still believe I can stay single (unmarried) if it so please God. Whatever it will be, I have promised to let you know.

Still expecting more word. May God Bless and provide for you all.

See you.

If you are in the catholic (because you said the seminary), then I don't think you can go any longer because of your statues now as having children.

Like all have said, make plan to marry your lady so that your kids will have both parents, you can serve the Lord by being a good husband and father. she might have acted the way she did cuz of uncertainty. so you just have to let her know you plan to marry her and that you love her. hopefully she will come around.
cheers.

na wa o. In this day and age where people will give an arm and a leg for twins you allowed them to get to 16 months of age without doing the right thing to their mother.
I dont blame your "fiancee" for giving back your engagement ring, its hard for a 27 yr old woman to find a good husband with good prospects in Nigeria these days, to compound her situation with twins and a foot dragging fiance will be too much to bear for a woman who might have had a better opportunity if you had not foolishly knocked her up.

Do the right thing. Marry her! Dont come here giving tenous excuses maybe its not her who has seen something better but you.

She did not want her children to be married out of wedlock.
if at all you could have taken her to court and had a court wedding. One dose not need much money for that.
As you are still thinking another man may just take her.
So make up your mind fast.
I too will be pissed by you .
You think that a woman has time to wait forever? For man to make up his mind

The mother of your child was just trying to trap you with a pregnancy. How stupid. That's no wife material, please.

So (1) [s]Get a paternity test; the baby might not even be yours.[/s] ok, this is unlikely.
(2) Learn to use a condom until you're ready for a baby. Wake up, this is 2007!

W00t!! Val's day's over now, so we'll stop getting an endless barrage of val-type posts. On the minus side, we'll prolly get more of the 'is uche jombo fine' or 'do you think Monalisa Chinda is fat?' kinda posts. meh!

Now, to address the topic at hand!

Guy, if you aren't sure she really loves you, then don't marry her! simple!
the truth is, she can't afford to take care of 2 kids on her own. Why not just sit it out and wait? when the bills mount up, y'all can agree on a simple formula; upkeep Cash for access to the kids.

Sorry if i sound like a meanie, but i'm a firm believer in marriage for love (and for a lifetime) and i can't honestly advocate u marrying her.

_{and to think gold circle's so cheap, !}

Actually, marriage has to do with maturity because it is for a lifetime so you should go into it prepared . if I say here, you don't have to marry someone because she is pregnant for you, it has to be a decision that you made exclusively, that the mistake we normally make in this side of the world. in as much as it not funny having kids outside wedlock, yet you guys should have considered that beefore having unprotected sex. As for the advice, I believe she is acting based on the psychological trauma she went through during the pregnancy. You have to be patient with her if she truly loves you, she will get back to you, after you have something between the two of you. wait a minute, if I may ask, you said that it was decided between the you duo that marriage is out of it, why then the engagement ring?

@ vesta - u need to let her know where you stand as soon as possible plsssssssssssssssss. so that she can plan for her life. because nomatter the outcome of ur decision ,it will surely impact the next direction she will take hencefort.

so plsssssssssss be quick about it! i can imagine the sate she must be now.

It's a pity u got urself in this situation, right now, u've gotto sit her down and tell her uve got plans for her, dont ever make her feel like shez alone in her problems with the kids,

Since uve owned up to their paternity, i believe its a good step to resolving this case. Talk to her and tell her uve got plans to settle down with her, cos if she knows uve got those plans, she wont misbehave like shez doing. I bet shez doing all this cos she feelz insecure.

Just dont leave her cos u'l regret it.

@ vesta,

It's really a sympathetic siituation, But wait. you said you dated her for two years, you wanted to enter seminary, you didn't want to marry, even if you want not her, Now you had a set of twins from her, Now she returned her engagement ring after sleeping again in your house for the weekend, , Your Life is complex, i have just seen the kind of person you are,

1. You are so scared of making a decision because you don't want to take a risk
2. You don't know what you want in Life ( a seminarain, a husband)
3. You beleived she used the pregnancy to tire you die, but u were not thinking with your head when you inpregnanted her

Boy , search your mind and do the right thing before nemesis catches up with you, Those kids will never forgive you for allowing their mum to suffer that way.

its a shame and sheer stupidity to have gotten yourselves into this mess both of you, now you have issues and obviously you have a huge decision to make. its your kid s i pity cause by your foolish actuons you have sentenced yourself, the foolish lady in question and your kids to a lifetime of unhappiness either way, if you marry her or not. the best that you can make of a bad situation, marry her try to love her if not at least live in peace and gtive your children the best father that is possible to give

---

look at it as your own pemanent congregation and you dont have to go to a seminary to be a father ,

Mr Vesta        

Babies are a gift from God!! I suggest you do not let this confuse your daily activities. The number one suggestion to any man is to keep matters of the heart in theheart and matters of the mind in the mind. The email you wrote has shown that you have consciously mixed up the two. It is quite difficult to do this but it usually helps. Your Busines should be handled in a pragmatic way.

God that gave you the twins will prevail in the end (i.e. if you believe in God).

You did not plan this and your explanation (though one sided) makes a lot of sence. YOu have done your best and all i can say is do not fret based on threats to you or your family.

Man proposes God disposes!!

Hope this has helped in my convoluted way!!

Cheers my Brodo

Euclidian Geometry is nothing but a farce!!

dahh, dahh, dahhh, just listen to all 'em girls talking about  "marry her, marry her", what ever happened to the clause - it takes two to tangle, it wasn't like the guy raped her or forced her into getting laid, the scale of the blame and accusations should tilt equally to both parties. any way that aside, let me address the issue of  guys and girls who get laid before wedlock, i'm not trying to paint my self as a holy ass kind of guy, but hey , i cant help my self, i'm in my early twenties and i'v never had sex before, believe you me, i have all it  takes to get a girl laid , but  gettting laid before wedlock is something that is exceptionally "STUPID", i mean your sexuality is like your ace card, when playing a game of cards, your ace card is what gives you an advantage over others. your sexuality belongs to you, it is what makes you, YOU. it is supposed to be the only unexploited  area of your life, picture this, you get laid with a guy and after sometime both of you break up, then you see him some weeks later on the street or somewhere else, how do you feel, dont you feel empty, dont you  FEEL as if he has  taken a part of you that he's never going to return?, for the guy with the twins problem. you and the girl should sit down and talk and come to a consensus. if both of you are still mutually in love, then get married, but if she's no longer in that love cloud, i guess you forget marriage and learn how to become a good father to your kids.

i must say that i am shocked by the venomous way ladies have taken up arms against vesta, at this day and age i dont want to belive that you will still pile all the blame on  GUYs, excuse me having sex is a two way thing and in this case cosensual and  its not only the guy that enjoys doing it , so please while shouting marry him be fair!! they are both to blame. and the more you reason it out ,it smacks of attempt to trap the guy.

---

its takes two to make babies

I've read the replies to this post and i think a lot of people are talking out of emotions rather than fact of the matter.

First of all, marriage is not something you go into because you need to salvage a mistake (unwanted babies), infact you will be making a greater mistake if you marry in order to salvage a situation such as the one you find yourself in.

I have a few questions for you:

1. why do you think you are not ready?
2. do you suspect she purposely got pregnant to tie you (i do) especially after both of you have agreed that marriage was not going to be part of relationship consideration for now?
3. assuming babies didn't come, are you sure you could spend the rest of your life with her?

The basis of my questions are simple.

I have been married for three years and if you can't answer any of this questions clearly and positively, forget about marrying her and just plan to support and give your children the best you can as their father.

Believe me, if the motives and foundation is wrong, you will only be building an unhappy future for the family.

May the grace of God guide you.

Peace,


I'm out.

manntee, i dont know if your recent post was reffering to me, but just to make sure, i'm a guy not a girl ;

do the right thn man!!

i hate it when guys start sowing their wild oat and then act like the lady took a hold of their d*ck and shove it into her c*nt,

yes, we seems to be saying marry her because if you can bang, you sure should be ready to marry the person, sex is sure business
so should have known better to use condom  when you know you ain't ready.

omoge:

i hate it when guys start sowing their wild oat and then act like the lady took a hold of their d*ck and shove it into her c*nt,

yes, we seems to be saying marry her because if you can bang, you sure should marry ready to marry the person, sex is sure business
so should have known better to use condom when you know you ain't ready.

[b]I would not exactly say them in those words but agree with you for the most.
Vesta why is this girl good enough for you to sleep with and not good enough to marry?
someone said earlier the ladies are coming down on you,we sure are,a woman desrves better than being left a single mother to fend for twins especially by a man who claims to love her.

What do you love about her if you can't marry her.
And my God,the kids are already 16 months,wake up dear,you are being very irresponsible here.
Do you know the shame of a woman being pregnant out of wedlock?
And you're still dragging your feet even though you still enjoy her company?
What a way to treat someone you love.

My sympathy is to this poor girl who has to deal with so much
You know exactly what you're doing and don't deserve my sympathy.
I'm coming down hard because almost every woman here knows a friend or someone who has been treated this way
And it is no easy thing for even friends to deal with let alone the woman involved.
My friend grow up fast and do the right thing.[/b]

from your statement

"Truely, I loved her, but from day one, I told her I was not in for marriage. She equally made me know her people would not allow her to go beyond her locality for marriage (we are not from the same state, and she is of the poeple that consider themselves to be superior). We settled for just serious relationship until the news of mixed feeling. Besides, I am an anti abortionist and I did everything to protect the babies (twins: boy and girl) the much I could."


Since you both are aware of what the situation is going to be from day one, both of you already knew the conditions involved. Even though you have twins from her which is great. I dont think it is necessary to marry her because of the babies. You can definitely take care of the babies. if you want. If want to take care of the babies. You can live together and not marry. its all up to u

But i dont think just because of babies you should marry her. If you marry her because of babies, the reality is that the marriage will be split its just a fact. Though there may be exceptions, good luck working at the exception if you think you can.