My dad came from a broken home, which somehow ruined his future, he couldn't further in his education which is why he took it upon himself that all six of his children must be educated. Its not been easy for them, they have deprived themselves of social life and many other things. Presently, am the third born but the first graduate which means am the only one working.
I and my mum are very close, like I can't even take any decision without consulting her first.

Straight to the point, I started working last year and have been helping out in my own little way, earlier this year I bought a 32inch TV close to 65,000, I gave my brother 40,000 to buy a gadget he needed to learn a skill, mum needed an appliance worth 250,000 and I paid a 35% down payment which she was supposed to be paying the rest installmentally.

Now this morning she called me and said I would help her pay another 30% then she will pay the rest. We were joking just last week, when a message entered my phone and jokingly she said I received an alert of 20million, that I would give her and my dad half of it, my older siblings #2million each while I take the remaining.

Note, I am not a stingy person at all, in fact now am beginning to think she manipulates me because I have a soft spot for her. My older brother once said he won't disclose to her how much he earns when he starts working, but am the opposite, am always transparent towards her.

Recently I told her I want to start an online store, so I can have extra money because my salary doesn't even last me till the end of the month. So telling her this, why should she say I should help her in paying another 30%. She even told me she knows this month salary is booked, cos I promised to give my sister part of her house rent in school, buy drugs for my grandma, so she said I can help her with my November salary.

She even helps me plan it, I don't want this year to go by without doing anything, if I continue like this, then I won't have any savings, my accounts are all red. I could remember when I collected my second salary, I gave half to her so we can buy foodstuff, dad refused and said she should return it that am just starting out so they shouldn't disturb me. Throughout my NYSC I didn't save a dime yet I was collecting state allowance also, I don't spend money lavishly, I know how to manage myself.

All the money I kept sending home. I know its my duty but should our parents hold us Ransome because of all they have done for us cos that's exactly what she meant.

I dunno if am the only one experiencing it, now I know come November I will give her the money which means the plan of starting my own biz would have to wait till next year. I planned on enrolling for my masters degree this year but had to postpone it because I wanted to help out.

Is this how I will continue or what can I do concerning the situation. I am sorry for the long epistle but it was needed.

You know you have a problem.
You are ready to solve the problem.
You will 'deliver' yourself gradually.
You can't stop helping your family.

But you have to be cautious in spending money.
If you continue like this, the same people you're helping will accuse you of not having anything despite working for a time.

Use your brain
That's all i have to say for now.

Seun, Lalasticlala Come and help our sister

Windflower:
My dad came from a broken home,which somehow ruined his future,he couldn't further in his education which is why he took it upon himself that all six of his children must be educated. Its not been easy for them,they have deprived themselves of social life and many other things. Presently,am the third born but the first graduate which means am the only one working.
I and my mum are very close,like I can't even take any decision without consulting her first.
Straight to the point,I started working last year and have been helping out in my own little way,earlier this year I bought a 32inch tv close to 65,000,I gave my brother 40,000 to buy a gadget he needed to learn a skill,mum needed an appliance worth 250,000 and I paid a 35% down payment which she was supposed to be paying the rest installmentally. Now this morning she called me and said I would help her pay another 30% then she will pay the rest.we were joking just last week,when a message entered my phone and jokingly she said I received an alert of 20million,that I would give she and my dad half of it,my older siblings #2million each while I take the remaining. Note, I am not a stingy person at all,infact now am beginning to think she manipulates me because I have a soft spot for her.My older brother once said he won't disclose to her how much he earns when he starts working,but am the opposite,am always transparent towards her.Recently I told her I want to start an online store,so I can have extra money because my salary doesn't even last me till the end of the month.so telling her this,why should she say I should help her in paying another 30%. She even told me she knows this month salary is booked,cos I promised to give my sister part of her house rent in school,buy drugs for my grandma,so she said I can help her with my nov salary.
She even helps me plan it,I don't want this year to go by without doing anything, if I continue like this, then I won't have any savings,my accounts are all red. I could remember when I collected my second salary,I gave half to her so we can buy foodstuff,dad refused and said she should return it that am just starting out so they shouldn't disturb me. Throughout my nysc I didn't save a dime yet I was collecting state allowance also, I don't spend money lavishly, I know how to manage myself. All the money I kept sending home. I know its my duty but should our parents hold us Ransome because of all they have done for us cos that's exactly what she meant.
I dunno if am the only one experiencing it,now I know come Nov I will give her the money which means the plan of starting my own biz would have to wait till next year. I planned on enrolling for my masters degree this year but had to postpone it because I wanted to help out.
Is this how I will continue or what can I do concerning the situation. I am sorry for the long epistle but it was needed.

my dear you are not alone...
when it came to family I too did the same as have a soft spot to a fault... it actually became a routine when then they even knew my pay day etc I will get a msg a day prior send for this and that...
sometimes the load alone makes u live for them.instead of yourself ...

my solution...

I started saying no

I only gave if I felt I wanted to ( or serious emergency ) not because my mum or sis or brothers force me to .. used to feel so guilty but in time they understood now they don't demand

help when you can if you feel forced , don't it's the only way to correct that pattern

[quote author=Lalas247 post=61854742]
my dear you are not alone...
when it came to family I too did the same as have a soft spot to a fault... it actually became a routine when then they even knew my pay day etc I will get a msg a day prior send for this and that...
sometimes the load alone makes u live for them.instead of yourself ...

my solution...

I started saying no

I only gave if I felt I wanted to ( or serious emergency ) not because my mum or sis or brothers force me to .. used to feel so guilty but in time they understood now they don't demand

help when you can if you feel forced , don't it's the only way to correct that pattern[/quo

Seems you were not staying with them,that's where my issue is,they sometimes even know when alert enters.
Its not even easy to say no,for example last month she has a debt she wanted to pay and I know she didn't have money,I had to help her pay it even though I was broke afterwards. I couldn't even afford tf to work
Its not like she is misspending money or she is buying clothes and jeweleries but I just feel she should be more understanding. Isn't every parent prayer that their children should be more successful than them,is that not why they trained us in the first place. What she is trying to do is because she sacrificed so much for me then I should do the same for her and my dad isn't like that at all.I know something would always come up every month,before I started working she was managing by herself,so why can't she continue so I can achieve what I want to achieve

You're very close to your mum and you disclose all your plans including incomes to her 'cause you both have a mother and daughter relationship. There's nothing wrong with that relationship except the fact that as a lady, you're too caring that your mum knows this is your weakness and she's been preying on this caring part of you, which is wrong in my opinion. She's supposed to give you counsel on how to spend on family and save for the future. Well, I think you'd need to learn how to say NO to their wants and give priority to their needs, She doesn't hold you at gun point even if she knows how much you earn.

You could help yourself by creating an account you won't have access to 'till you've saved up what you want, each month; as you receive your salary you'd make a transfer to that account. That way, you won't be this bothered when your main account is red.

You have to be careful but firm in your decision.. probably base them on a monthly allowance irrespective of the stories they tell you..mothers can be good with the "emotional blackmail"...she knows you trust her enough to discuss anything with her including your finances but sincerely you have to reduce the information you give her for your own sake, she might be angry/disappointed initially but she'll come around.
You have to send money to them cos its the fruits/rewards of their labour but only what you can afford, if what you can afford is just feeding, do it.
Start saving, save for the rainy days, for unforseen sudden circumstances..
Sometimes in life you need to be selfish in order to get certain things right in your own life.

[quote author=prestigiouslady post=61860.[/quote]
That's just the problem,I stay with them and see them everyday.

Benita27:
.

Seems I will break one of my ATM cards and transfer money there as soon as alert enters. Thank you but then my question is I know there is no amount of length I can't go for my family cos we have been tru a lot together,even the way I do put their matter on my head,a friend once said its wrong that I should care for them but not the way am doing it. Now the mentality of Africa parent is since they gave birth to you they can control you as they deem fit,I have read many stories from here. We should be greatful to them but I feel once a child is grown,there are certain limit should be off for them. Is this how it should be ,they would start reminding you how they sacrificed their whole life for you

YoungRichRuler:
You know you have a problem.
You are ready to solve the problem.
You will 'deliver' yourself gradually.
You can't stop helping your family.

But you have to be cautious in spending money.
If you continue like this, the same people you're helping will accuse you of not having anything despite working for a time.

Use your brain
That's all i have to say for now.

Seun, Lalasticlala Come and help our sister

Lol,I guess I will start making good use of my brain. Thank you

[quote author=Windflower post=61867756][/quote]

okay...honestly if you are of age, maybe you'll need to get an apartment of yours even if its just a room...I know they will protest that you're still single and that will make you vulnerable to preying males.
But like what I told my parents when I wanted to stay alone, I lived 4yrs in the university alone, away from home, service year was a day's journey from home,yet I comported myself and behaved well.

If getting a place isn't an option, then you have to be strict,you can call a meeting, dad mum, siblings as witnesses, tell them you love them and know they've sacrificed so much for you and you appreciate.. they should say a figure they'll be comfortable with per month, then you negotiate..
Learn now to make that decision when you're still single
Once I give my parents their allowance, no amount of story or talks will make me give more...expect if they are ill.

Windflower:

Lol,I guess I will start making good use of my brain. Thank you

I'm glad you didn't take the 'use your brain' as an offence.
Some advices here will be negative. Be careful.
don't start enmity with your family because of this.
Best regards

I think the problem is here is lack of plan on your side. If you have a financial plan, it will help you make decisions. Are you the only earner at home? Don't think you are feeding the family because your dad is there.

How do you overcome this?

Take this year as a family year, so all earnings goes to them. As a salary earner, you just have two months to close of business year. I do not think there is anything you can do this year. December is fast approaching and there will be expecting a lot from you.

In January, set out a target you want to achieve at the end of the year. Let them know this is what you want and the amount you will be saving towards that project. There is no room for secrecy again since you are living with them and they already know your salary. By having a target, it helps you save money towards it. You must discipline yourself towards this target. You need to discuss with your dad too.

So many persons are having same issue with you, trust me, it's time to think like a man. Most men are tamed "stingy" only because they have a vision for their money. You must do the maths, and have a plan for your tf, feeding, and the rest...

I was thinking of having a book on how salary earners should have a yearly budget to help them optimize their income.

Make it so plain to her that next year, you can only be giving her a particular amount every month as you have a goal to meet.

YoungRichRuler:


I'm glad you didn't take the 'use your brain' as an offence.
Some advices here will be negative. Be careful.
don't start enmity with your family because of this.
Best regards

Of course not,am talking with her right now

My dear, I understand what you going through but you have to draw a line. Don't stop helping your parent and sibling but don't do it at your expense, don't sideline yourself. Also learn to keep some financial info to yourself.
God forbid, what if you loose your job tomorrow? What do you have to fall back on?

Secondly, you have to address these issues now, before you get married. If not, it will bring bad blood between them and your spouse. They will feel you changed (forgetting that you have more responsibilities and your own family).

Apply wisdom so as to not bring misunderstanding in your family.

Chommieblaq:
My dear, I understand what you going through but you have to draw a line. Don't stop helping your parent and sibling but don't do it at your expense, don't sideline yourself. Also learn to keep some financial info to yourself.
God forbid, what if you loose your job tomorrow? What do you have to fall back on?

Secondly, you have to address these issues now, before you get married. If not, it will bring bad blood between them and your spouse. They will feel you changed (forgetting that you have more responsibilities and your own family).

Apply wisdom so as to not bring misunderstanding in your family.

Exactly, especially the spouse part... that's one if the reasons why women are termed "wicked" by their in-laws cos the sons(husband) suddenly become prudent with cash..

Establish something for your parents/siblings, that way they make their own income and the burden on you becomes lesser.

Else, it will be hard/unfair to say you're doing one project or the other while your family is hungry and needy.

Teach them how to fish too..

All the best

MilitaryControl:


Windflower, oya I have sent you a PM.

Reply.

Lol,oya why did you send me a pm

.

yes, if u allow

No ,if u don't allow


depends on you

.

No, you parents do not have any business in your matters. They only thing they owe you is giving you advice and not commandments or how exactly you should run your affairs. You can learn from their experiences and also be free and happy to do things your way so you can learn from your experiences and teach some other person. The greatest people in life are people that take cue from other people's experiences and also following their intuition. Allocate a percentage of your income for family needs. say 15%, follow your decision and don't care about what anyone says!

You have to learn to say NO and keep your financial matters to yourself....

If you need money tomorrow, who do you have to run to?

Only drop when its necessary.... What use was the 65k telly ?

Do you still reside fully with your parents?

The more you keep dropping, the more the collection....

Welcome to the reality facing most working class adult in Nigeria

as soft as I am, I become ''crazy'' when it comes to issues of my life! I with God take decisions that concerns my life, no one else.

I always say IF I'M TO REGRET ANY DECISION IN LIFE, LET IT BE THE ONE I TOOK MYSELF, NOT THE ONE SOMEONE TOOK FOR ME!

I'm always at logger-head with dad, but I give zero damn, absolutely zero dam!

Don't ever tell anyone how much you have or earn except your wedded wife. I'm close to my mum but I don't share my financial status with her else she will turn to god in my life.

Apart from private jet which I know she wouldn't need, I can afford her demands.

Try to set your family members up financially so that your burden will be less. When everybody in your family is financially stable, your life will be easy.

Put her on a fix amount of money per month. She can buy wateva she needs from that. This should made clear

D

Me too,I dey come

Op jst remember to put ursef 1st

Na my parents help dey work for me? I give them what I have... Its my money