# MenAreNotBeasts

Sodiq Oyedeji Alabi wrote, and I concur wholeheartedly. What do you have to say?
This is going to be a long rant. Bismilah:

I strongly believe that our parents’ generation (those born 1940-1960) have done our generation a great disservice. Too many of
them failed to raise their boys to be responsible husband. Too many fathers of that generation were not good role model of what a
husband should be. Don’t get me wrong, most of them were good fathers to us but were they equally good husbands to their wives?
I am not sure.
I have no data to rely on but my personal observation leans me towards a capital no. While our mothers and the larger society would
not let our sisters rest concerning how to be a wife and a mother, most of the fathers failed to invest in being a good role model to
the boys or even communicated to them how to be a good husband.
It is important to note that our fathers were not entirely to blame. They had to navigate two cultures during their time- the Yoruba/
African culture that seemed to focus on the role of a father to provide for his family and the new understanding of fatherhood that
goes beyond provision for the family. Most of them did not have a model to work with and therefore just stuck to their fathers’
approach to fatherhood. Unfortunately, it seems many in my generation (those born 1970-1990) are also sticking to this outdated
model of fatherhood.
See, some of us here would try to be objective by blaming both women and men. I won’t play that game. Women constitute the
overwhelming majority of the victims of this dysfunction, especially in an era where they work and contribute as much as their
husbands. Our wives have been taught perseverance, patience, faith in Allah, good wivery, among many other virtues, and they put
these to work to the best of their ability. However, they are not our mothers who put up with so much injustice in trying to save their
marriage.
Our wives are better educated, financially empowered, and on the same intellectual pedestal with us. They will take some but not all
bulls-hits women are expected to take in our society. So, they have what we call high standards. They want us to clean after our
toddler children while they cook in the kitchen. Unlike our fathers who will call to their wives who are busy in the kitchen to come
wipe the urine of “her child” off the floor, our wives expect us to get the rag ourselves and clean the damn urine “our child” has
blessed the tiled floor with.
And talking about standards, men have got them in truckload. We want a beautiful woman who is not too fat nor too slim; not taller
than us but not too short; no serious tribal mark; no heavy Yoruba accent in her English; uses a specific Hijab length; is of a specific
level of Iman; takes a specific career path( either we expect a masters degree holder to just sit at home and pander to our ego or we
expect her to be able to work and still does everything our mother did for the family); who does not take credit for her financial
contribution; who does not expect us to take part in the chore; who will remain the way we met her after five children; who knows
how to stretch N200 to cover lunch and dinner, and it never ends.
I once shared a house with a Muslim scholar who serves as a counsellor and I witnessed many men complain about these during
sessions. And you know what? It is the women who are encouraged to do better and be more patient. I don't envy women and I
wouldn't want to be in their shoes.
Anyway, there are two solutions that I can readily think of:
1- We need to stop enabling irresponsible men who want to hide under religion and culture to perpetuate a culture of women
servitude. This include calling their bullshit to their face and letting them know that providing money is not enough excuse to treat
your wife like a slave. She is your partner and must be so treated. This will also involve all of us to up our game and be a better
husband and father. Let us be the change we want to see. Let us ask for feedback from our partner regularly and try to improve on
our behavior and attitude. We all can do better. I believe in the power of humans to change and we must be ready to change. We
must raise our sons to be better than us, because whether they like it or not the next generation of women would take even less
bullshit than the current one.
2- We must encourage a culture of communication. There are things that I think women must agree with their would-be husbands
before they say yes. If you want your husband to be involved with the kids, let your fiancé know what he is getting into. If you want
to work, agree on this. Women must learn to communicate VERBALLY what they do not like and what they like. Do not rely on action
and body language, sit your husband down and communicate your problem with love. If you need help, ask for it.

.

No, we are not.

They're not