I eat out a lot (yes, I like food. Sue me!).

One of my favourite pastimes when I’m out in public, whether it’s a restaurant or an event, where food is served, is observing how people eat.

What I’ve found is that on average (please note the ‘average’) Nigerians and Chinese folks rank, in my estimation, as the two worst types of eaters.

Nigerians eat like they’re fighting with the food. They scoop/roll big chunks of food, open mouths wide, cock their heads to one side at a diagonal (usually left) angle and dunk it in. Then immediately continue talking, as the food (horror of horrors), disperses everywhere like mosquito spray.

I’m not even going to talk about how we tear into meat. . .

As for Chinese, they usually all but bury their heads into the plate, then scoop the rice with those chopsticks at a speed that would put Usain Bolt to shame.

Then the chewing. The noisy, chumpy chewing. Oh dear me!

Nothing worse - or more off-putting - than watching a beautiful/handsome, well-dressed, cultured-looking person eating in public like cavemen.

So here are a few pointers to table etiquette:

1. If the meat is too tough for your cutlery, leave it alone. Don’t go tearing at it with your teeth. No be rubber band! And you’re not a tiger.

2. Speaking of cutlery. The fork goes on the left hand, the knife on the right. When in doubt, leave the knife alone and just stick to the fork.

3. Don’t lick your lips. There’s a reason they put napkins on the table. Yes, that’s what it’s for. Pick it up, dab at your lips. Ladies, you know how you dab at sweat to avoid ruining your make-up? Yes, just like that.

4. And while we are on the subject of napkins. They’re also there to help you get bones and other unwanted stuff out of your mouth. Try not to use your fingers to pick things out of your mouth. Or bend your head and drop it. And definitely: DON’T SPIT THINGS OUT ONTO YOUR PLATE. OR ANYWHERE ELSE.

5. Take small bites or portions. So you can chew or swallow with dignity. Not contorting your mouth in all manner of grotesque ways.

6. Don’t talk while you eat. Especially when there are people around the table with you. Nobody wants to see pieces from your mouth flying into their own food (urrrgghh). If you absolutely must talk, place one palm an inch or two in front of your mouth.

7. Sip your drink. Don’t guzzle it

8. If you have to dip into the same sauce as everyone else, don’t make more than one trip. Dunk your bread, or chips, or anything else JUST ONCE.
NOBODY wants to see you take a bite out of your bread, or chips and then make a return trip to the shared sauce.

9. When picking your teeth after meals, please please please, place one hand over your mouth.
And, do I really have to say this, use a toothpick or floss, NOT your fingers.

10. Finally, if you’re at the table with a person or persons, LEAVE YOUR PHONE THE HECK ALONE!
Put it in your pocket, your bag, on silent, or just turned upside down. That one hour of mealtime without the most intrusive device ever invented will not kill you!
I plead guilty to this one, but I’m trying. I’ve tried it a few times, usually at dinner with the family where we have a ban on ALL devices. It works, trust me. And we are still alive to tell the tale.

So that’s it. A little table etiquette. Which are you guilty of?

I eat out a lot (yes, I like food. Sue me!).
One of my favourite pastimes when I’m out in public, whether it’s a restaurant or an event, where food is served, is observing how people eat.
What I’ve found is that on average (please note the ‘average’) Nigerians and Chinese folks rank, in my estimation, as the two worst types of eaters.
Nigerians eat like they’re fighting with the food. They scoop/roll big chunks of food, open mouths wide, rooster their heads to one side at a diagonal (usually left) angle and dunk it in. Then immediately continue talking, as the food (horror of horrors), disperses everywhere like mosquito spray.
I’m not even going to talk about how we tear into meat

Apart from growing up in a village(The type of a village in a village that even villagers call a village) it is also obvious that you dine often with bricklayers, carpenters and other site workers, mostly apprentices.