hi everyone
am a little confused and need to make up my mind on this so i would appreciate ur help with advices, suggestions etc

long story short is am 25, he is 36, we both have kids from past relationshps, he is a very nice easygoing friendly person, everythng that i want in a guy or almost, a great 'daddy' to my kid, but the problem or issue is we r from different tribes, different denominations in church which was one of d very big problems i had in my past relationshp that ended in me being a single mum, plus i keep thinking bout his ex and kids and i would cope with them all. Am scared cos i dnt want to get into a polygamus state which is wat it seems like here, i feel like am going to be his second wife even thou there is no binding watsoeva between them, am just confused, i dont want to stop being an igbo girl and become youruba, i dnt want to stop being a catholic ,i dnt know how to handle his childrem - becoming a stepmum, i dnt know how to convince my family to accept him, so many other things running thru my mind so much that i feel like giving up on him, pls wat do u think?

Can i ask you sm questions?

How does getting married to a yoruba man have to do with you not being igbo anymore, how can it change you?

Are you the one marrying the man or is he the one marrying you? YOUVE OBVIOUSLY SET UP RULES THAT EVEN A MAN WOULDNT STICK TO LIKE THIS

If tribe and religious issues have been a problem in the past, why did you get yourself involved with something similar again?

If you dont wanna leave catholic, then wait until a priest asks for your hand in marriage

If you are not ready to compromise and stop acting selfish and childish, then i tell you what? you will remain single for the rest of your life

wow jenny, very tough but tanks, sometimes we cannot control these things, so my getting involved wit him i cannot explain, but tanks, u do have a point.

You just have to compromise, the biggest compromiser is usually the woman, it takes a lot of compromise for a woman to leave her family shes known for years, the people she grew up, the people whos name shes beared for so long, the people she eats and drink with and go get married to man and family shes never known, change her name from her fathers name to her husbands name, change church from her church to her husbands

Im an igbo gurl myself but even b4 i got married, ma dad used to tell me that i'm borrowing his name and church n very soon, i will give it back

My mum always told we gurls that, we do not have a church until  we are married

Yes, couples do attend diff churches, but it is not a rare deal to see a woman leave her church for her husbands

My mum was a catholic, a serious one at that, dad was an anglican and used to work on shore and offshore, so she brought us up the catholic way, i had my communion classes in catholic, i had my first holycommnion in catholic, but when dad changed jobs and was always around, he wanted everyone of us to do anglican, which my mum agreed to without any hesitation, i got married but changed church and started my husbands

wow i see, very interesting, pity i didnt exactly get all that insight in that manner, anyway wat scares the most is having to be a stepmum to his kids, they are quite grown, like in their early teens and i dnt know how to handle them, tanks a lot jenny, u have helped a lot.

Listen sweetheart the very BIG QUESTION i wanna ask you is

ARE YOU READY FOR MARRIAGE? you sound like someone who isnt ready? but keeps looking at her biological clock and feels its ticking away, you sound like someone who sint happy where she is right now and wants to leave ASAP but doesnt wanna make a mistake

yes yes i am not happy and i dnt want to make a mistake, but i believe i am ready to settle down with a man, and its not because my clock is ticking, no, i actually do love ths guy and want to be his wife, but i think bout so many things and it gets me scared, plus pple are not helping issues telling me how (with due respect to all yorubas) yoruba men amass wives and children, how they dont stick to one marriage, they keep pointing to his past, if he didnt stick to his ex n kids, how wld he stick to me? i know i shouldnt b generalising but i guess am just so scared,

wHAT YOU SHOULD DO IS KNOW HIM SOME MORE,WHY DID HE BREAK OFF WITH HIS EX?HW ATTACHED OR CLOSE R HIS KIDS TO THEIR MUM N DAD,WHEN DID THEY BREAK OFF?

have asked a lot of questions on all that and he has given quite understandable answers, more time getting to know him, his kids, and family is it, and of the grace of God

You dnt want anythn ds guy is offering(his name,his heritage,his church,his children. . .)yet u wan2 b hs wife?U r vry funny.
As for his children(they are nt kids)treat them or see them as your siblings,treat them exactly d way u'l treat ur lil ones in luv.

chaircover:

When you say I do, you are totally accepting your spouse, warts and all.

If you are not to sure about this or feel that you are not ready to make that commitment, then I suggest you wait until you are certain that you are ready to face the challenges of different tribes, religion etc

As regards your stepkids, the ball is really in your court. With patience, love and prayer, you can bring the most obstinate stepkid to your side.

Reading between the lines you sound as if you are not really ready for this man, hence the excuses but you somehow feel as if you lose this mane you may be left on the shelf. No - only commit if you are very sure but remember it is all about compromise.

I dont think that there is a 100% perfect partner/situation out there. We learn to make the best of what we have.

Exactly my point exactly thats why i said i feel shes looking at her biological clock, shes like caught in the middle, what if she leaves him will she meet someone else who will love her as a single mother? will she end up being a single mum forever?

I know she denied it earlier, but that is the strong feelings have got right now, and i cant shake it off

i still dont get why religion and differences in tribe are still an issue in this day and age

lat time i checked it was the 21st century------on nl i feel like its still BC

you dont have to bcum yoruba, you shouldnt have to change church, and unless the dude is still married to his wife (in which case youd be having an affair) you shouldnt really worry abt her either

the best thing you need to do is discuss with ur bf- how old are his children?? how much of thier mother do they see? if he fathers ur child right u should do the same for his children
does the fact ur not igbo bother him soo much? how much did ur family contribute to saving ur last relationship? you should no by now its only your happiness that really matters- if he;s a gd guy ur family shuld eventually like him-

if he's worth it you shouldt give up on ur relationship- but u both need to sit down and talk, if a white woman can marry and be happy with a black man i dont see why two nigerians should be playing romeo and juliet

life is too short to live to please and for ones head to be filled with worry, do whatever you think is right for you and ur child!

I was honestly wondering how marrying a yoruba neccesitated transforming into a yoruba.

Even when it comes to communicating with the kids, i've seen couples from the same tribe and village speak English to their kids rather than the native language.

Its even the norm this days.

If its about food, he may actually enjoy your Igbo dishes or you may enjoy experimenting with Yoruba dishes.

As to the church, you don't have to change your denomination.

What you need to do is find out what led to the break-up with the ex, build a relationship with his kids and see how it goes.

Best of luck.

tanx alot everyone, u have really helped
i'l admit to the fact that am scard i mite not meet someone else as nice as he is if i let go
do appreciate

Denying it earlier on, isnt right

You want someone that will go by your rules, you aint ready to go by someone else's, you have to get off that high horse of yours

The world does not revolve around you alone, you are not even interested in anything that has to do with your fiance's culture, why waste the man's time, let him go, there r millions of gurls ou tthere looking for a man to cal their own

janiebravo:

tanx alot everyone, u have really helped
i'l admit to the fact that am scard i mite not meet someone else as nice as he is if i let go
do appreciate

but if he's a nice guy i dont even see why u want to leave him??

or are u one of those religious fanatics?? who let the church run her life??

people are made to be different; you just need to find a way to complement!

You are a typical igbo girl that is stereotype and myopic, a girl that wants everything from a man and can't give any. What makes ur igboness so important? Is it the tribe, the catholic church or ur blind ego? Why go out with this man in the first place when u know u are Igbo, a catholic that wll want her children to be baptised in the catholic church or ur family might not accept him. Why go all the way and now u are using his children as an excuse. If u truly love him u will be ready to reciprocate his affection for u by being flexible and realistic.

My dear I put it to u that one u don't want to leave being a catholic, two u don't want to stop being an Igbo girl and three u r not ready to get married cos one that is ready for marriage will not be as attitudinal as u pose here. If u love him and want to spend the rest of ur life withhim. my dear, accept his church, his tribe n his children.

wow be easy on me now!!
a lot of judgement here
i guess i sent d wrong message
am not saying exactly dat i am not ready to compromise or anything
cos even with a guy from same tribe church etc u would still have to compromise
am just sayn am scared of going into something i havnt been into and having to be my best
i dnt understand a word of yoruba, plus i know i have to get used to the culture, food etv
n so other things just come up n scare me
have made some mistakes and scared to make another
i appreciate all ur comments, tanx

@jennykadry:, U always have point to offer but i dont like hw u reply to posts here. u are too tough, and it is not gud for a lady like u.Always try to melow down when u answers question. U are not quarelling with anybody. we are all humanbeings. We make mistakes. Or are u perfect?

OnyinyeGod:

@jennykadry:, U always have point to offer but i dont like hw u reply to posts here. u are too tough, and it is not gud for a lady like u.Always try to melow down when u answers question. U are not quarelling with anybody. we are all humanbeings. We make mistakes. Or are u perfect?

it's nt gud for a lady like me?I have never claimed perfection,neither did I say I'm relating with non humans here,you've got no point here cos like I always say this is the internet,wat type of lady I'm I since u said being tough isn't good for a lady like me,nope I'm not willing to change ,this is me,sometimes it takes toughness and harshness to make people see reason,people might not like me cos of my "toughness" but one thing I want alot of you here to know is jennykadry isn't here to make friends

well jenny mayb its true toughness is needid sometimes in pushing people but u really shld try not to b too judgemental cos no matter how u look at it u are never in that persons shoes so can not know wat it is like
and wat this bout u not here to make freinds, really are u here to fight with anyone?
someone needs help today, it could be you tomorrow, would you take you talking to you like that?

Will i like people talking to me like this? My answer is this "If i open up a thread on this forum, Im sure as hell prepared for any type of reply

I like the way JennyK talks.Most times we need d undiluted truth 2knock us bk to our course.
I luv not just blunt people but very blunt people.
I used to have a neigbour who will tel u d way it is without painting it and during d period of time whyl we were nebos,I was ALWAYS seeking her opinion.
Forumites hv diff views abt a subject,it is left to d individual 2choose whch view to adhere 2.
All in all JennyK,I like ur style.

@poster there is no reason why you would have to abandon your culture when you marry. many intercultural marriages exist throughout the world where both partners keep their customs and compromise when customs cross. there is no reason why either of you should have to change your religion. i believe Muslims say the child's religion is determined by the father, Jews it is determined by the mother and depending on which denomination of Christianity its either the mother or joint decision. if you don't want to be in a polygamist home then tell him flat out- if he says he is polygamist then part company if he agrees with you then all good. being a step mother depends on how the children were raised before you. some people have no problems others end up with little demand spawn as step children. if your husband loves you these things shouldn't cause big issues.

@poster,
The rule is: what you dont want to finish, dont start! If you have started, stop!

I read your post over and over and to be honest with you, if I were the guy, I will dump you straight away as I cant stand such woman. Many men with something on their shoulder will do likewise.

1. You probably tried the conditions you outlined above in your earlier relationships and failed. Dont expect any man to put up with uncompromising wife. It is only foolish men that do that.

2. Whatever you mean by you 'dont want to stop being Igbo' must be very negative. I have never heard that statement in my life. And to say, you are picking a yoruba man as husband! Is there no nice Igbo guy that can help you be igbo for as long as you wish?

3. When you marry the guy, will you stop your child from being yoruba? Or how do you intend to handle it so that the father will just let you have your way?

4. Regarding the church, I am a bit surprised that you guys make such division within the same religion so conspicous. Maybe you need to marry in your church or remain single for as long as you deem fit.

5. On the man's ex and other stuff, no one can answer this than him. I however see him returning to his ex if you make life difficult for him due to your uncompromising stance.

You cant change the past, seems you still allow your past to rule you.

olanajim:

@poster,
The rule is: what you dont want to finish, dont start! If you have started, stop!

I read your post over and over and to be honest with you, if I were the guy, I will dump you straight away as I cant stand such woman. Many men with something on their shoulder will do likewise.

1. You probably tried the conditions you outlined above in your earlier relationships and failed. Dont expect any man to put up with uncompromising wife. It is only foolish men that do that.

2. Whatever you mean by you 'dont want to stop being Igbo' must be very negative. I have never heard that statement in my life. And to say, you are picking a yoruba man as husband! Is there no nice Igbo guy that can help you be igbo for as long as you wish?

3. When you marry the guy, will you stop your child from being yoruba? Or how do you intend to handle it so that the father will just let you have your way?

4. Regarding the church, I am a bit surprised that you guys make such division within the same religion so conspicous. Maybe you need to marry in your church or remain single for as long as you deem fit.

5. On the man's ex and other stuff, no one can answer this than him. I however see him returning to his ex if you make life difficult for him due to your uncompromising stance.

a guys perspective at last
i dont know how else to explain myself but i didnt mean to sund selfish
i am just terribly afraid and worring over things so much
i defintely am not selfish or uncompromising
you have no idea what i went thru in my former relationship so dnot even go there
i am just a scared woman trying to fit into a new culture
adopting new kids that i dnt know how to deal with
and of course worring if i am secured or if he would go back to his first woman who bore him three children
i have been getting a lot of advice from friends and family
and that has only helped to make me even more confused
i agree with lanre
i just keep going back to my ex and thinking it would happen all again so much that i am scared to trust
i put in my all into that relationshp, i overcompromised as a matter of fact
giving up a lot of things just for it to work still it didnt
thats y i keep pushing this guy away n giving lots of xcuses
my daughter is four years now and i know i have to move on
i am just so scared but i am working on it and i thank u guys a lot for input here
u guys r really tough yes and u jenny)
if it were a face to face conversation i would have bursted into tears or walked away in anger
but i know u r trying to help and only saying it they u know it

@poster,
I know I was a bit harsh. I am sorry about that. But the substance in my post stands. Answer those questions and I bet you will see what I wanted you to see.

Is there anyone who is truly happy without having lost something in the past?

Your last post show the real problem. You are insecured, mentally and a bit apprehensive of facing the future. You keep taking to steps backward into your past while taking a step into the future. That is why your world is filled with sorrow of the past as against anticipating the joy of the future; fear and disappointment of the past as against boldly working for the future. You still live with the nightmare of your ex and expect the past to repeat itself instead of working toward bloating the inglorious past forever and turning your adversity to blessing.

There lies your main problem! The question is; what are you going to do about it?

If you want a better time, you must first cease living in the past. Having a daughter very early in life to a man you probably dont know well enough who turned out to be a disappointment is not the best pivot to hinge your future endeavor. Every man is difference. You must be open to change.

Your first decision is to stop comparing every man to your ex. Then stop evaluating your future guy by using your ex shadow as the measuring tape! As long as you continue to do this, you are inviting confusion.

Dont think I am being harsh on you, I have seen worse problems and have seen how people tackle it. I know that most people are just selfish to admit they are the one who need to change. If your understand this, return to my first post and treat the sensible questions in it.

Hmmm.

The man has 3 kids. Are you sure he is really divorced from the lady? Are you very very sure? Don't believe everything the man tells you.

Besides, have you met his kids? Have you met his family? Is his family ready to accept you? Are the kids going to stay with their mum or with you+your man?

So many questions and obviously so many drama lies ahead.

3kids?
That is not new for men that married early. What she must ascertain is the status of the man's marriage. To me, I think it is best she stop the drift if the man is too mysterous to be understood.

if u love him truly i dont think ur church should come as an obstacle,its d same god we r servin n ur marryin a yoruba man wont stop u from bein an ibo lady,am deltan married 2 a yoruba man n notin has changed,u have already made all d rules in ur mind n u cant expect him 2 dance all d way 2 ur tune, u shud have tot of seriously about it b4 gettin involved in d 1st place wit him, all d same good luck