old vs young

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him.

The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes.
The old man just stared at him.

The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"

The old man answered, "Well yes, actually I have. I once got drunk and screwed a parrot,
I was just wondering if you were my son!"

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean #5000?"

U try

u sure did

HUSBAND INSTALLATION
A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and FOOTBALL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed,

MRS ATTENTION.

Reply:

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: i thoughtyoulovedme.Html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5,

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Good Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

Thank You.

MISCHIEF



Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my
neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is
hiding marijuana inside his
firewood."
"Thank you very
much for the call, sir."
The next
day, the FBI agents descend on
Billy Bob's house. They search
the shed where the firewood is
kept. Using axes, they bust open
ev, ery piece of wood, but find no
marijuana. They swore at Billy
Bob and left, The phone rings
at Billy Bob's house:
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI
come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy"

WIVES, MARRIAGE, RELATIONSHIP



Dave Holumeday Jester Hardebaryor January 21 at 6:33am Reply
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
(Lee Majors )

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
(Al Gore )

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
(Socrates )

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
(Mike Tyson )

The great question, which I have not been able to answer, is, "What does a woman want?
(George Clooney)

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
(Bill Clinton )

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
(George W. Bush )

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
(Rudy Giuliani)

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
(Michael Jordan )

"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children!
Donald Trump

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
(Shaquille O’Neal)

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once,
(Kobe Bryant )

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
(David Hasselhoff)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
(Alec Baldwin )

A good wife always forgives her husband when he's wrong.
(Barack Obama )

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Tommy Lee

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
(Brad Pitt)

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
(Jimmy Kimmel)

“Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?” Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today, because a lady went first!”
(David Letterman )

“First there’s the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, soon after, comes Suffer, ing!
(Jay Leno )

U try lol

Nice joke

More pls

Nice collection.

@ben,
thanks!

Laugh my F*ucking HAss Off. LMFAO to the second joke

HOW HELL FROZE OVER



Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After rewieving his records Saint Pete decided to let him in. "Follow me" he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.
Saint Pete was furious.
"If you do that again, You'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there."

After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass of.
"Why is it so god damn cold down here? "Pete asks.
"Well you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.

Dumb blonde (+18)






A bartender was working the late shift. While he was working, a beautiful blonde woman walked in and took a seat at the bar.
She ordered up a Coors and sat there drinking for a while.

Suddenly, the woman passed out cold on the stool. The bartender had a sudden thought, and so he cautiously looked around.

Seeing that no one was around, he closed up the bar, and took advantage of the situation.

The next night, the bartender was, again, working the late shift, but some of his friends stopped by, so he told them
about the previous night and his good time with the blonde woman. All of a sudden, the blonde walks in again. The bartender motions to his friends that she is the same lady. The
lady sits down at the bar and orders another Coors. Eventually, she passes out. The bartender closes up shop, and him and all
his friends take their turns.

The next night, the bartender is working the late shift. His friends show up, with all of their friends, and so there is a huge crowd in the bar. The woman walks in again, orders a
Coors, drinks it, and then passes out. So, the barender closes up shop, and everyone has a turn.

The next night, even more people are waiting at the bar. The woman walks in and orders a Budweiser.

The bartender, his plans foiled, asks, "You don't want the usual?"

She looks at him for a minute and shakes her head. "No. Coors makes my pussy sore!"

hmmmm CTRL C , CTRL V.

Lol,d second joke is freakin f

See what hunger can cause.





Two Christians were lost in the Sahara desert.
One is David, the other is Michael. They were dying of hunger and thirst when they suddenly came upon an oasis, with what looked like an emirate with a mosque in the middle.
David said to Michael: "Look,let's pretend we are Muslims, otherwise we'll not get any food or drink. I am going to call myself "Mohammed." Michael refused to change his name, he said: "My name is Michael, and I will not pretend to be other than but what I am . , Michael."
The Imam of the mosque received both well and asked about their names. David said: "My name is Mohammed."
Michael said: "My name is Michael."
The Imam turned to the helpers of the mosque and said : "Please bring some food and water for Michael only."
Then he turned to the other and said: " Well Mohammed I hope you are aware that we are still in the holy month of Ramadan."

LMAO! Poor Mohammed.

Hhmm

Nearly

Haha Mohammed will surely remember this day.

;
cant take my mind of the gay joke!!!!!!!

Why u no go like the gay joke when you sef na Hhmm. .

Lol. How dyu know he's gay? Are u his partner?

I did'nt call him gay - na u talk am oh

more please

tyt collection me loving the parrot joke.