MAN GO WHACK


Act One
Inside a four-seater bus, heavily loaded with loads and commuters. The bus, inspite the effort put up by its driver drags on the road due to what may be seen as overload in one way and bad engine on the other. It’s engine which makes deafening noise puffs smoke, forcing other road users to block their nostrils. Everything about the bus; its rough and rickety body parts, its asthmatic engine and its lack of some essential spare parts, gives credence to its road unworthiness. Boldly inscribed at the rare and front of the bus is “Man go whack”. The driver is a huge man of dwarf height. Among his passengers are: a male corper, a lady and a man, both of the same age bracket and both sit close to the bus window, a professor, a man of respectable age whose appearance marks dignify and some other passengers. The driver battles the wheel while the car keeps moving in slow pace, defying his directives. Two people from road side, a man and a woman wave the car the car to a halt but the driver only manages to stop few meters ahead. Both passengers run to catch up with the bus.
WOMAN: (whines as she runs together with the man to catch up with the bus) Haba! Oga, una no dey pity person. Every time one must run after you. Is it that hard putting a car to a halt?
DRIVER: No blame me, madam. Blame the car. Na him dey drive im self. Where una dey go.
WOMAN: Dangaroo (opens the front door)
DRIVER: four hundred naira.
WOMAN: I go give you one-fifty
DRIVER: OK, enter make we go (Woman sits at the front seat before the driver.) (To the man who still stands by the bus) Oga, you no dey go?
MAN: Safety…
DRIVER: Safety? Enter. (Man enters, joins other passengers at the back)
MAN: How much?
DRIVER: Five hundred naira
MAN: Haba! No be Dangaroo you carry for one-fifty just now? Safety is much more closer. I go give you hundred naira.
DRIVER: Oga, God na my witness, I no dey carry safety in broad daylight like this. In fact, I no dey go there at all. Safety na five hundred naira. If you no gree, drop.
MAN: Okay, make we go.
DRIVER: You don gree? Five hundred card? Make I dey go…
CORPER: Make we go now! Abi which kain wahala be this!
DRIVER: (Putting the car on gear) Patience, hajuaya. We no go fly.
CORPER: If you like disappear. My own be say make I reach where I dey go on time. But how is that possible with the way you move and stop at every junction.
DRIVER: (Smile at himself) No worry. Na you go dey beg me when I start speeding. (Two passengers from the back start complaining among themselves. The driver faintly hears the murmur seeks explanation) Wetin na! Na who dey murmur? No plan coup inside ma car o. Na God I take beg una…
PASSANGER 1: Shut up una wretched mouth! How many passengers una suppose carry when you come put the whole world for one chair!
DRIVER: I no hear English. Wetin you mean
PASSANGER 2: Why will you understand? What do you take us for? Fools? Each seat on each roll is not supposed to take more than three passengers each. But you fill each with six and pile us up like stock fish.
CORPER: I'm telling you, being in this bus is like being in pit of hell. I can’t even stretch my legs for goodness sake!
MAN: same with me here. No where to relax your back and legs… loads everywhere. Gosh!
WOMAN: Only God knows what’s in most of the loads. The one here is resting on my neck and I’m beginning to feel pains all over my body.
DRIVER: You people no go kill me. How much I collect from una wey una dey complain like this?
WOMAN: No be money you collect? And is that even enough reason to put us through this much discomfort.
DRIVER: You wey one stretch legs, relax your backs, be comfortable and collect AC join, no be “JOURNEY IS A BLISS” you suppose follow go? You come join “MAN GO WHACK” and still dey complain. Person wey want enjoyment go pay. Even God wey create us no make heaven awoof.
PASSANGER 2: Na you sabi. Sha face front ( A slight silence. Man who enters last picks another discussion)
MAN: Driver, no seat belt?
DRIVER: No wetin? Seat belt?
WOMAN: How e go get seat belt when he no get wiper and even side mirrors.
DRIVER: Seat belt! For where… ? Which kind people I even carry today! Oga Safety, no youl wan use seat belt for back seat. Even the best of cars wey dey this road, cars wey get AC, get parachute no get seat belt for back seat. Why you come dey ask me that now? Oga, this bus na “MAN GO WHACK”
MAN: I asked because of the woman sitting by your side. With the way you drive don’t you think she needs to use seat belt?
DRIVER: (laugh) Nothing like seat belt inside this car. Unless she fit manage use rope.
WOMAN: Even if you have it I won’t use it. That thing always makes me feel like I’m being tied to a stationary poll.
MAN: if you have no seat belt, no mirror, no full-light, no wiper, no nothing how have you been escaping the arrest of traffic officers? You violate all traffic rules, man.
DRIVER: Traffic rules? Oga Safety, you make me laugh. I no get any of the things wey you mention and I always dey safe. Wetin concern driving concern rules? Those traffic officials them na clowns.
PROFESSOR : as well as thieves, my boy. Noon-day thieves, they are. The only reason why they keep those traffic jamborees is to loot the treasuries of those commercial drivers. They are packs of rogues that deserve outright ban from our roads.
DRIVER: Loot… you mean bribe? Them they collect bribe well well. But as for me, I no dey give them kobo. I get my ways of dealing with them. Na they reason why I no dey stop for Safety be that. Na their joint be that. And anytime I jam them for road, na four-forty I dey always run and blind them with my engine smoke. Before they know wetin they happen, “Man go whack” don go.
PROFESSOR : That’s the idea, my boy.
DRIVER: Wetin man go do, Him wey no get sense deserve some sympathy. But him wey God look, dash some brain but still no know how he go take use am no deserve to live. (He takes out a small bottle of gin from his pocket, drains it at a gulp and throws away the empty bottle) Ha, ha! Na now the journey begin.
MAN: Wetin be that? No be gin you dey take so?
DRIVER: Oga, Safety, na you be that again? Hope you no be one of them clowns?
MAN: I hardly see people drink while driving. Isn’t it an offence.
DRIVER: Wetin no be offence for the eyes of the road safety people. Even if you talk as I dey talk so, you don commit an offence. Me, I no kuku send them. I dey do my thing and they no dey disturb me. This thing wey I just take na him be the real driver. If I no take am how I go take drive. Na him dey fortify me as the car itself get fortified by its fuel. How that come be an offence I no sabi.
PASSANGER 2: Oga driver, please slow down. Your speed is getting too much.
DRIVER: (Laughing triumphantly) I no talk am? I never start you don dey fear. If I start na jump you go jump Comot the window.
WOAMAN AND PASSANGER 1: (simultaneously) Driver, please slow down. You speed too much.
DRIVVER: Make I slow down? Corper, you gree make I slow down?
CORPER: How I go gree when I don late already. Drive on, driver.
WOMAN: You don late or wetin? Abeg, driver, slow down! Na Kabak I dey go no be heaven o!
MAN: Nobody dey go heaven. We all go reach safely ( A while silence. Man sitting beside woman crosses his neck with a bid to look through the car window. Somehow, his head tampers with the woman’s breast. This does not only enrage the woman but also stirs another commotion in the bus)
WOMAN: (knocks him hard on the head) You dey craze!
MAN: Ouch!
WOMAN: (foaming) You dey craze! You want suck ma breast! (All passengers laugh)
DRIVER: Wetin I just hear! Suck breast… ! Ma God! For where? I beg una, this bus na temple of God, let no man defile am.
MAN: (apologetic) I… I dey hear some.. some strange sound so..
WOMAN: strange sound… na inside my bra you dey hear your sound! Na my breast dey make noise or na your mouth you go use… ma God, which kind people I even follow take bus today! First na the Corper and the one wet dey talk heaven, now this.
PASSANGER: Sorry, madam, it was a mistake
WOMAN: I pray I comot this whack or wetin una dey call am before another strange thing happen (Man still manages to look through the window)
MAN: I said it. I said I heard something cracked. Driver, stop, your tyre is about to tear (Another passenger check to confirm)
PASSANGER: Oga driver, stop o! E be like say your taya want comot!
CORPER: My God! We will stop again! When we want reach? I for no enter…
DRIVER: no worry hajuaya. We no dey stop at all.
WOMAN: You no go stop or wetin! If the taya…
DRIVER: Nothing go happen. We go push am till we reach. Na me dey in charge.
WOMAN: God, na your hand I dey, safe me. I know I don enter one chance.
MAN: Driver, stop. I want drop here.
DRIVER: who want drop? Oga Safety, na you be that?
MAN: I want drop here.
DRIVER: You no dey go Safety again?
MAN: Na here I want drop.
DRIVER: No problem. My money remains 500 naira. Safety na just few distance from here. (He stops the car engine and the Man drops. As he drops, he takes out his road safety ID card and orders everybody to come out of the bus)
MAN: everybody, come down immediately! Driver, come down now if you don’t want me to burst your tyre.
DRIVER: (Alighting from the bus) No shoot o! Na God I take beg una. No shoot. I go come down.
MAN: you are under arrest and your car is hereby confiscated with immediate effect.
DRIVER: Oga, you be Safety? I no talk am? Just name your price. Name your price… or… take this… (He offers to give him money) That’s all I have on me and I’m sure no one else fit give you a better pay.
MAN: Keep adding salt to your injury. By the time I am through with you, you will regret being on the road today.
DRIVER: (exhausted) I don enter am.
PROFESSOR : (To Safety) What do you want the man to do? You want him to kill himself?
WOMAN: Abi, I don’t understand all this nonsense. And everything in the name of atenuje. (Hisses)
PROFESSOR: By the way, what do you say his offence is? At least he didn’t hit someone with his car. So why will you confiscate his car?
DRIVER: Wetin be my offence! Hen, wetin be…
MAN: You don’t want me to list that. Do you? By my knowledge, you have violated every traffic law in the most expected and unexpected ways.
WOMAN: What law! What law! Will you keep us here gnashing teeth because of some stupid nonexistent traffic laws?
MAN: The fact that people like you, due to your ignorance, don’t regard those laws doesn’t mean they don’t exist or operate. This man, this driver, has endangered your lives in many ways. First, by putting his not-road-worthy vehicle on the road, by drink driving, careless driving, over speeding, carrying overloads and some other acts that most times result to road accidents. But, what do you do? You trivialize his criminal acts and attack the law, the system and the government that sort to protect you and free you from the shackles of avoidable road accidents. You all forget or refuse to note that the task of reducing road accident is not just the responsibility of the government but that of all of us.
PROFESSOR: (convinced) I see you are absolutely right. But how do we ensure what you just said. How?
MAN: By refusing to patronize him. This man and his like ply the road to Whack, to eat. Once you deny thended that privilege they will be out of the road. You can even go to the lenght of reporting them to the appropriate authorities. By doing that, you are doing yourself and the entire nation a great service. (faces the Driver) Mr. Whack, you surely don enter am.
WOMAN: thank you very much, oh Safety. Now. I know how to help myself and help the nation.
DRIVER: (to his passengers) Please, help me beg oga Safety.
PASSANGERS: Na your beg, beg am yourself.
CURTAINS
The End.