Good evening all,

As you relax on this beautiful sunday evening, i ll like for you to pls contribute to this issue at hand.

I am newly married for just a couple of months and exactly two months after marriage, my husbands brother in his mid thirties has been living with us.

Now the problem is not about him living with us but the great interference he brings to the marriage.
Like always taking note of everything i do and reporting to mu husband as soon as he returns from work.

Is it even right for a grown man to immediately follow his brother into our bed room as soon as he enters from work (while am in d kitchen) to go and start talking.

Most times, he goes into our bedroom sits on d bed and begins to discuss with my husband for a very long time while am doing sth around the house.

D most annoying one was when he went with my husband to the market to buy things for cooking for the month. He ended up buying rubbish and i was supposed to cook with it?

Shamelessly, he sits in d parlour all day holding the remote to the TV and watching big brother or anything he likes.

I know i ll be asked about whether i av spoken to my husband or not. I have severally and he sees nothing wrong with it, he says hes not the kind of man that abandons his family bks of marriage.

U wont believe this old shameless brother of his came to question my choice of food yesterday evening. Like theres just too much interference from his side.

Hubby asks me how i can preserve efo and before i respond he has responded. Always looking into things and advising my husbans or instigating a quarrel btw us.

U wont believe he came in as though he wanted to come and visit for a week or so and gradually started packing his things into the house one after the other.
Why does it feel like its jazz they are using on my husband bks everything he does, he defends him against me.

All these while i think i have been patient enough...i want to take an action. Am tired of praying and committing it to God abeg i have better things to pray about. It will be a big fight bks i will so scatter everywhere. I am really tired.

I mean what is a 34year old doing staying with his married brother and causing confusion everywhere.

Pls your sincere inputs are needed.

Urs is just one brother. Mine were 3 adults. And the after effect is still in my marriage till date. Ensure the guy leave ur house early. If Na to tell ur hubby to consider settling his bro to get an apartment or u move out pending when he is ready to marry according to God's plan.

Does he have a job or he sits at home all day? You need to let him know how you feel politely so that he can know his place in your house. He doesn't have a right to control you in your husband's house.

He's enabling his brother's lazy and busybody behaviour. Speak with a trusted adult (that your husband respects) who can talk sense into your husband because he's the one who can then get his amebo and couch-potato of a brother to be a more productive human being.

adontcare:
Urs is just one brother. Mine were 3 adults. And the after effect is still in my marriage till date. Ensure the guy leave ur house early. If Na to tell ur hubby to consider settling his bro to get an apartment or u move out pending when he is ready to marry according to God's plan.

Nice advice. I have been through such interference from in laws especially Mother in law.things were left to settle by themselves.
Mil now behaves like a best friend to me but I am very careful.

Koko234:
Good evening all,

As you relax on this beautiful sunday evening, i ll like for you to pls contribute to this issue at hand.

I am newly married for just a couple of months and exactly two months after marriage, my husbands brother in his mid thirties has been living with us.

Now the problem is not about him living with us but the great interference he brings to the marriage.
Like always taking note of everything i do and reporting to mu husband as soon as he returns from work.

Is it even right for a grown man to immediately follow his brother into our bed room as soon as he enters from work (while am in d kitchen) to go and start talking.

Most times, he goes into our bedroom sits on d bed and begins to discuss with my husband for a very long time while am doing sth around the house.

D most annoying one was when he went with my husband to the market to buy things for cooking for the month. He ended up buying rubbish and i was supposed to cook with it?

Shamelessly, he sits in d parlour all day holding the remote to the TV and watching big brother or anything he likes.

I know i ll be asked about whether i av spoken to my husband or not. I have severally and he sees nothing wrong with it, he says hes not the kind of man that abandons his family bks of marriage.

U wont believe this old shameless brother of his came to question my choice of food yesterday evening. Like theres just too much interference from his side.

Hubby asks me how i can preserve efo and before i respond he has responded. Always looking into things and advising my husbans or instigating a quarrel btw us.

U wont believe he came in as though he wanted to come and visit for a week or so and gradually started packing his things into the house one after the other.
Why does it feel like its jazz they are using on my husband bks everything he does, he defends him against me.

All these while i think i have been patient enough...i want to take an action. Am tired of praying and committing it to God abeg i have better things to pray about. It will be a big fight bks i will so scatter everywhere. I am really tired.

I mean what is a 34year old doing staying with his married brother and causing confusion everywhere.

Pls your sincere inputs are needed.

Please talk and explain things to your husband politely. I was a victim of in law interferences.pls be strong and ask God for wisdom to handle this,else it will ruin your home.

Why can't all these in laws and outlaws allow young couples to build their marriage.
If you are reading this and have a newly married sibling please stay away from their homes.
You can go visit on Sunday ocassionally and eat rice and head back to where you came from.
They don't want you moving in .and certainly not a few months after marriage.
Haba
Tomorrow now when this young wife will react they will leave the root cause and begin to talk about her reaction.
This efulefu needs to move out.
Op tell your husband that overgrown baby needs to pack his feeding bottles and leave.
If I weren't a Christian I would say you do something dramatic like accuse him of peeping when you are in the shower
He needs to go Pronto

There is a difference btw been disrespectful and been firm,find it.
When u come into a house as a wife some family members wants to start marking their territory,and God help u if u stay together. How will u allow ur inlaw enter ur matrimonial bedroom to gist with a hubby u havent seen all day? If he tries it next time enter d room and sit on ur hubbys lap,and why will ur hubby tell u his family matters more? Obviously he is the one giving his brother the free hand.
All this is happening cos ur marriage is still young but nevertheless u still have to be very firm . It is ur house now and u are his wife.

When the marriage is very young, no in law should be allowed to interfere even father and mother in law from both sides. Your husband can always rent a one room apartment for his bros.

I don't even understand why a man will go and stay with married couple. So so awkward. May be na family send am to come observe you. Reason why he is interfering continuously. Because no man in his right senses will do such thing.

DesperateforGod:


Nice advice. I have been through such interference from in laws especially Mother in law.things were left to settle by themselves, till date the after effect is in my home now.

the earlier d op act on this issue, the better. The husband may feel bad but that is just d way it is. Some of husband people will just assume that once their kin marry, his wife is dis enemy.

Did you guys have marriage counselling in church before the wedding?

I am sure he heard when they said couples should avoid interference especially in the first few years.

Some even advice that children shouldn't come immediately so that you can bond as husband and wife.

Since your husband isn't listening, you could speak to your counsellor or a family member that he respects to call them to order.

And meanwhile, that house is yours and not your inlaw's. Please let him know his place. When your hubby comes back and he follows him to the room, please interrupt them EVERYTIME. Ask him how his day was and make small talk. Ask the brother to excuse you guys.

When he says something about the food, ignore him. Some silence speak volumes. He will get it. If he tries to override your suggestions or make one, tell him that you appreciate his input but it is not his choice.

Get closer to your husband. Always follow him into the room when he gets back and talk with him. You are the wife and not his brother. If you don't put your brother inlaw in his place and take your place, you will find yourself in the background soon.

adontcare:
the earlier d op act on this issue, the better. The husband may feel bad but that is just d way it is. Some of husband people will just assume that once their kin marry, his wife is dis enemy.

Very true at the bolded. They start trying to poison the guy's mind against his wife. That's why it is not advisable for inlaws to live with a couple. One person must poke-nose, feel insulted, try to form alliance, etc.

my husby stated it clearly to his people/mine that none of them shud disturb us.no body shud stay with us.but you're allowed to come visit..highest 2-3weeks pack your bag gage and leave.

Even when my lazy sister in law came and
was stressing me to cook another soup,simply because she does not eat ogbono
soup and ice fish.

Husby called her out in my presence told her
That sinc she's in his house,that what he eats z what she wiii eat.and told her not to ever ever bug me again,and warned me sternly in her presence to send her out whenever she tries that rubbish n that I shud learnt to take charge of my home.

Till today..no body tries that nonsence with me both from my side too.

Interesting and eye opening contributions so far. Thank you all.

I think you're overreacting

Acidosis:



I think you're overreacting

How am i overreacting?

@OP will never report to the forum if the guy comes from her side. that's how they behave. As soon as they are married, they start rebelling against the husbands family members. sometimes they bring their family members and the husband will never complain.

andymola:
@OP will never report to the forum if the guy comes from her side. that's how they behave. As soon as they are married, they start rebelling against the husbands family members. sometimes they bring their family members and the husband will never complain.

Bring my fam members for what? Please they dont intrude.
How wld u feel if ur daughter marries a man who brings his broda to live with them and all d latter does is interfere seriously in their marriage. Walking into their bedroom without knocking at times. And gossiping abt u.

andymola:
@OP will never report to the forum if the guy comes from her side. that's how they behave. As soon as they are married, they start rebelling against the husbands family members. sometimes they bring their family members and the husband will never complain.

That is not always entirely true,some do and some dont and with this story and what she wrote ,hence the advice.
She wont need to bring it here if it were her siblings cos am pretty sure she can deal with them without them feeling hurt. But reverse is the case when it comes to inlaws u need to careful cos its delicate and that is d reason i thinks she seeks SM. Dont be quick to judge some men go thru stuff like this too.

Acidosis:



I think you're overreacting

how is she overreacting, this comment is insane.

Your own is good, my own sister in law ,( husband's elder sister) a single mum with two kids, left her base and came to stay with us with her two kids since 9 months now, when my marriage was just 3 months old n d way am seeing tinz she's not ready to shake body n leave self. Is only prayers o n mentaing ur line, because of u talk, smtimes it will look as if u dont want ur husband's people in ur house.with time every tin will fall into place .

Koko234:


How am i overreacting?

Shaming your brother-in-law with words like "old" and "shameless" is overreacting. Trust me, no SANE husband will allow such from his wife. When I say SANE, I'm excluding those with strong appetite for vegetables (efo riro).

D most annoying one was when he went with my husband to the market to buy things for cooking for the month. He ended up buying rubbish and i was supposed to cook with it?

This you referred to as the most annoying is actually very funny. You said he went with your husband to the market? And he bought the rubbish alone?

I feel your pain though, just find a way to "cope", perhaps by becoming friends? A brother's home is not the place a 35 year old man would want to stay. Your husband also do not like the idea of having him around at his age. That he's not going about it your own way doesn't mean he wants him around. " Fight" your battles "rightly" okay, and don't dwell too much on the in-law rhetorics in the media.

Most times, the mentality women pick up about in-laws before marriage gets into their head. Some single ladies are already strategizing on how to deal with the mother in laws they are yet to know.

Greenbullet:
how is she overreacting, this comment is insane.

Please see my comment above. Thanks.

andymola:
@OP will never report to the forum if the guy comes from her side. that's how they behave. As soon as they are married, they start rebelling against the husbands family members. sometimes they bring their family members and the husband will never complain.

Do you know why?
Most family members of the female want their daughter''s marriage to succeed but many members of the husband's side want to see the marriage crash so they'll rejoice in the fact that they predicted the wife was not a good choice for their beloved brother.
A wife''s sister in the house will help her sister do chores
Her brother will run errands and wash the man's car happily.
A man''s sister would balance on the chair and expect the wife to serve them like a slave.

ahnie:
my husby stated it clearly to his people/mine that none of them shud disturb us.no body shud stay with us.but you're allowed to come visit..highest 2-3weeks pack your bag gage and leave.

Even when my lazy sister in law came and
was stressing me to cook another soup,simply because she does not eat ogbono
soup and ice fish.

Husby called her out in my presence told her
That sinc she's in his house,that what he eats z what she wiii eat.and told her not to ever ever bug me again,and warned me sternly in her presence to send her out whenever she tries that rubbish n that I shud learnt to take charge of my home.

Till today..no body tries that nonsence with me both from my side too.

I suppose you also have put your own family in line as well. With both of you creating clear boundries for your families, your nuclear family will have time to grow.

It is very necessary before marriage to be clear as to how extended family will be managed. If boundries are not specified between the two of you before marriage, anyone who wants to take a stand after marriage may be seen as stubborn, difficult or wicked.

My Lady and I made it clear from the beginning how we wanted to manage our home. The first time my eldest tried to bully my Lady, when I finished tearing eye for her, she now asks my missus to ask me when she needs something. On my Lady's part, them done know who I be before so no one there tries anything. As a result, I have no interference in my matter and the relationship between all in laws is very harmonious. Everyone wins.

LewsTherin:


I suppose you also have put your own family in line as well. With both of you creating clear boundries for your families, your nuclear family will have time to grow.

It is very necessary before marriage to be clear as to how extended family will be managed. If boundries are not specified between the two of you before marriage, anyone who wants to take a stand after marriage may be seen as stubborn, difficult or wicked.

My Lady and I made it clear from the beginning how we wanted to manage our home. The first time my eldest tried to bully my Lady, when I finished tearing eye for her, she now asks my missus to ask me when she needs something. On my Lady's part, them done know who I be before so no one there tries anything. As a result, I have no interference in my matter and the relationship between all in laws is very harmonious. Everyone wins.

That's the perfect finish line.
To be frank with you this Op needs to tread carefully,extremely careful in all ramification,one wrong move or approach on her Bil cud trigger so many swiii swiii n hush hush.may God give her wisdom to handle the c2ation wisely.

babeosisi:


Do you know why?
Most family members of the female want their daughter''s marriage to succeed but many members of the husband's side want to see the marriage crash so they'll rejoice in the fact that they predicted the wife was not a good choice for their beloved brother.
A wife''s sister in the house will help her sister do chores
Her brother will run errands and wash the man's car happily.
A man''s sister would balance on the chair and expect the wife to serve them like a slave.

hmmmm you're very right

Inlaws from both sides should let young couples be.

Koko234 the fact that your hubby doesn't see anything wrong with his elder brother staying with you guys that are newly weds not to talk of interfering in your couples issues is a problem in itself. That is what I find worrisome.

A simple ' brother I know my wife's movement and I don't need you updating me when I come back with a stern face should send a strong message'

Your hubby should draw the line, it's his job to do so. A simple statement sends a strong message.

My relationship with my hubby elder sis is quite okay now due to something's my hubby did.

She came to visit when she came to Lagos to greet her Dad and she and my hubby younger sis decided to visit about 7months after we married, it was the first time any of my inlaws visited us since we married, so I prepared fried rice, they were all seeing me heavily pregnant oo when I was going up and down preparing everything only for me to serve food on the table for us all only for her to say
Shey e ko ni elubo Nile ni ( Don't you guys have elubo for amala at home) that she doesn't like eating carbohydrate, I simply said we don't have soup at home saying I was stunned was an understatement.

My hubby simply said the amala you are talking about is it not carb and he gave her the impression of 'you don't want this she won't prepare another food' they all ate the fried rice with joy. Most times its not about what you say but how you say it. She just jejely kept quiet.

2. When I had my baby I stayed back for some days my baby was admitted and she called on the 5th day saying that what are we still doing at the clinic bla bla bla that even her that they did Cs for she didn't stay up to that . Mehn that was very annoying I am still at the hospital very inconvenienced and baby is getting better trusting we ll be discharged soon and all you could think about is that you travelled down to Lagos for the naming ceremony and it's looking like it won't hold.

I told her well she should ask her brother, she was like I should have a mind of my own etc etc. I was like issorait, I allowed her to finish the talk, I picked a phone and Called my hubby and narrated everything, he was even too pissed off to call her directly. He called their Dad and told him to call her to order that if he calls her directly what he will say won't be nice. Only God knows what FIL told her Infact when the naming ceremony much later at FIL place both hubby and FIL didn't tell her.

Very recently I called her to inform her about my Dads demise and the first statement she made was are both of us fighting with her ni I said no ooo. . She was like she was calling my hubby after I had the baby and he didn't pick (I didn't even know he didn't pick on purpose to express his displeasure) that it's not like what she said was too much na that it's not up to that ke .
I sha told her that Shey she's angry with us she was like noo oo if she's angry she wouldn't have told me she was now picking her words carefully, and like Shey I will call her as per burial plans I was like yes ma.

She even called me after that once to wish us a happy new month my hubby said it's guilty conscience that is disturbing her.

Trust me all is in your hubby hands.

Men should not allow anyone bully their wives it's their duty to protect them from anybody including their own family too.

Greenbullet:
how is she overreacting, this comment is insane.

He believes a wife is a slave to her husband and in-laws. To his way of thinking, the man's family suffered to make him whatever he is while the woman was picked from the gutter with no family whatsoever.

Orchid45:
He believes a wife is a slave to her husband and in-laws. To his way of thinking, the man's family suffered to make him whatever he is while the woman was picked from the gutter with no family whatsoever.

These are your own words o, not mine.

Acidosis:


These are your own words o, not mine.

I have read a few of your comments on issues pertaining to marital problems, especially when the OP is a woman.