I don die

nice one bro

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

"What's the matter, you look depressed." "I'm having trouble with my wife." "What happened?" "She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days." But that ought to make you happy." "It did, but today is the last day."

"Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair. " I'm very sick, would you please call me a vet?". "A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?" The husband replied. Because I work like a horse,live like a dog, and have to sleep with a silly cow."

[b]An unlearned boy was deeply in love with a pretty foreign girl, whom he wanted.
But he did not have the courage to talk to her in person. So he decided
to go alone and with the help of a dictionary, he wrote a letter of
proposal to her.

HE WROTE :

Most worthy of your estimation
after a long consideration
and much mediation.
I have a strong indication
to become your relation.
As to my educational qualification,
it is no exaggeration or fabrication
that I have passed my matriculation examination;
no doubt without any hesitation and very little preparation.
What do you say to the solemnisation
of our marriage celebration
according to the glorification of modern civilisation
and with a view to the expansion
of the population of present generation.

On your approbation of the application,
I shall make preparation to improve my situation,
and if such obligation is worthy of consideration
it will be our argumentation of the joy and
exaltation of our joint dissimilation.

Thanking you in anticipation and with devotion,

To remain victim of your fascination.


SHE WROTE :

Dear Mr. Victim of my fascination,

Congratulation for your lengthy narration
of course full of affection aimed at an affiliation
for a combination which on examination
I find is a fine presentation of your ambition.

You have passed your matriculation with little preparation,
what about my graduation after a long botheration,
so improve situation in education
and make an application by acquisition
of post graduation and minimum qualification
for the convocation and before taking your photo for circulation
undergo beautification.

Further strict observation of the following conditions is the
regulation for the determination of our relation.

1. Consultation of my parents before approaching for my connection.

2. Communication of your confirmation that you are not a victim
of any fascination and,

3. Procreation must not be your recreation.

In anticipation of a solid action instead of continuation of
paper conversation.

I Remain,

Unaffected by your affection.[/b]

Seen the 1st. Boring second

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room.
Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, Well, ah, well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!"
His mom says, "Why?"
And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up."

lol

nice one m8

Two guys, one old bloke and one young, are pushing their carts around
B&Q when they collide.

The older bloke says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my
wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife,
too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old bloke says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife
look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big
blue eyes, long legs, big b.o, obs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a
halter top and no bra. 'What does your wife look like?'

The old bloke says, 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'

************************Words Women Use***************************************************

[center]WORDS WOMEN USE[/center]

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

Seen all jokes b4. New jokes or bounce out

Vic2k3:

Seen all jokes b4. New jokes or bounce out

whatever, if you dont like move on,

**********Quickie**********
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age. He asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he replies, "What's that suppose to mean?"

She says," "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back"

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a deserted beach in Boca Raton, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely", she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

"Yes, I live over in Coral Springs " he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?”

The man replied. "How did you know my name was Katz?"

resurrection of an old thread - abeg

let the thread die im natural death pls

[size=18pt]Polish Divorce[/size]
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

"Have you any grounds"?
"Yes, an acre and half and nice little home".

"No, I meant what is the foundation of this case"?
"It's made of concrete"

"I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge"?
"No, we have carport, and not need one".

I mean, what are your relations like?
"All my relations still in Poland".

"Is there any infidelity in your marriage"?
"We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player".

"Does your wife beat you up"?
"No, I always up before her".

"Is your wife a nagger"?
"No, she white".

"Why do you want this divorce"?
"She going to kill me".

"What makes you think that"?
"I got proof".

"What kind of proof"?
"She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in
bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

[size=18pt]Irony of life[/size]Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others .

Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

Beastly. So clean.