Dear Diego Forlan,

I will cut straight to the chase-You are a spoilsport!

Your stellar performance against South Africa yesterday simply reeks of ingratitude. It also negate the spirit of fairplay upon which the game is built. Look at you. You simply turned yourself into an enigma of some sort, cutting through the defence like hot knife through butter. You had the effrontery to conjure an impossible goal infront of a capacity crowd. You then took it upon yourself to play the penalty that shut down the blaring vuvuzelas. You, Forlan, You!

This a "you" that was welcomed in grand style to the rainbow nation. This "you" that was feted and pampered just the night before in your hotel. You were allowed to sleep in your hotel in peace. Don't you know this is Africa, where we do everything that is anything to win a football match? We could have posted a band of vuvuzela blaring youth behind your window. We could have slaughtered a chicken right in front of your hotel room,. We could have refused to pump water for you to have your bath or worse still poison your food the night before! But we did not and what did you pay us with? Three goals, Forlan, you and your compatriot-Three goals,

Granted you were fired by some patritoc zeal on the field of play, couldn't you have tempered the zeal the moment you noticed the Bafana Bafana defence is that porous? Once you had one goal, couldn't you have told your colleagues to ease things a bit.

Why? You ask why? Because, this is African's world cup, you slowpoke! Because South African spent a whole lot to bring this fiesta to the African soil in the first place. I am sure you dont read newspapers, because you would have found out the whole Africa is sleeping in South Africa now, except for those recalcitrant ones in Somalia! Do you know how many senators are now in SA from Nigeria, 62, Forlan, 62, How many of yours are here? How many?

Let's say that is not a good enough reason, haven't you heard about Nelson Mandela before? the Great Madiba. You could have done it for him. Score a goal and relax a bit. Haven't you heard of Archbishop Desmond Tutu, the great activist? Okay, you don't read newspapers, fine, but you watched the opening ceremony abi? You did not see that graceful old man dancing away on the VIP stand, to the music of Shakira, Black eyed peas and others. That's him, you baseje, obi ton so leerun ( I wont interpret this, i swear, i wont)'

Yet, you and your fellow ingrates breached the defence thrice! We suspect this is a South American conspiracy to humilite Africa. Isn't that what your friend from Argentina, Messi wanted to do with Nigeria too? Thanks to Enyeama who destroyed themachinations of the evil ones!

You have done your worst, now is the time to make that proverb -ti won ba ran ni nise eru, afi tomo je- come alive for you. The whole of Africa has withdrawn support from all the South American teams! From Argentina to Brazil, Uruguay to any other "guay" Whenever you go shopping, you will pay double henceforth! You will have to clean your hotel rooms yourself. You will have to cook your meals yourself henceforth. If any of you want to move from your base to any part of the country, you will have to trek. No African is permited to be your driver.

You direspected the fairplay mantra by scoring those goals yesterday and sending the gracious hosts and hostesses home before the end of the match, hence, we are not playing fair anymore.

Oh and lest i forget, let's say by some dint of luck any of you make it to the final, we won't watch it. We will switch off our televisions. In fact, for those of us in Nigeria, our televisions'been switched off by default anyway-thanks to PHCN. We are angry with you, we sure are.

But you can still remedy the situation sha. What you have to do? Call your fellow journeymen to order! Relax your defence against African Teams! This is Africa's world cup okay? Play defenders upfront and attackers as defenders. Do something but make sure whatever you do is wrong! Then we will be happy with you again. We will come and pick coaches from your countries again.

We are prepared to make you happy guys, Only if you make Africa Happy!