The other face of Nigeria
By Reuben Abati


“Get down now. Open your door, let us come in, we are taking you to the station.”


“Hey, open that door, now, now, before I shoot.”

He sounded like he would shoot truly. The car had been surrounded by gun-totting policemen. I looked up, there was a policeman pointing a gun at the car in the direction of my newly shaved head. He looked stoned. Nigerians are great, incorrigible voyeurs, every incident with a touch of drama excites them; I noticed a small crowd of onlookers was already gathering like an audience at a movie.

I couldn’t figure out what the confusion was all about. I thought the men were armed robbers. The fact that they wore the Police uniform didn’t matter. These days, police uniforms and guns are available for hire, such that the average Nigerian has come to learn that a uniform looks just as good on a crook as it does on the public official engaged in legitimate duty.

“What is it? What is the problem?,” I yelled. “I am a journalist,” I added, trying to introduce myself. Sometimes, that helps. But this was not my lucky day.

“And so? Journalist. Well done! Because you are a journalist, you think you can commit a crime?”

Crime? What crime?

“Look officer, you and I do the same job, we are both trying to make this society a better place for all of us. Try and be civil. What have I done?”

“This is the problem with you people. One time you say you are a journalist. Another time, you say you are police, doing the same job with police. What is your rank? Wey your uniform? Just open this door and follow us to station. You will see yourself today.” In a matter of seconds, the rear door had been flung open, two policemen struggled to get into the car, their guns carelessly targeted at me. I got angry.

“Are you people alright at all; get down from this car right now.”

“You are abusing a policeman. You will see yourself today.”

“Can’t you see I am trying to have a conversation with your colleague here? Why don’t you wait and let me know what is wrong before you jump into the car?”

“You are speaking grammar. Policeman is trying to do his job, you are blowing grammar. You want to teach police how to do his job because you are a journalist? Is that how to behave?”

I turned to the only one among the policemen who appeared sober. “Please talk to your colleagues, because I really can’t understand what I have done that is responsible for this harassment.”

“That man is my oga sir. He is our commander.”

“I think you have heard now. I am the oga here. It’s me you should be talking to.”

“Look, I am a friend of the police.”

“Who is your friend? You can’t commit a crime and claim that you are a friend of the police.”

“I have written many articles defending you people, asking government to attend to the welfare of policemen…”

“We don’t read articles. Just follow us.”

“I also speak on television”

“I don’t watch telly. Where NEPA dey sef to take watch television?”

“See, I am a member of the Lagos State Security Trust, we are always providing help for the police on behalf of the people. Where are you people from, the command or RRS? Who is your oga? Odumosu or Akpoyibo.”

“Akpoyibo”

“I know him”

“This man, stop disturbing us with stories. Move this car and follow us to the station.”

“I am a friend of the police. I am sure that your Hilux van must have been provided by the Security Trust. Even this your uniform looks like one of the uniforms we gave out to the police the other month.”

“My uniform? This uniform? If I hear that again, I will use this gun to scatter your head. Nobody gave me this uniform. I bought this uniform myself from police store. I bought this shoe myself. I bought this cap with my own money. If anybody tell you say dey give police uniform, it is a lie. Ask every policeman, na we dey buy our uniform ourselves.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I can see that you don’t understand anything. If you people gave uniforms and money to some people in the police, you better know the people, because we on duty, we cater for we-self.”

I knew I was dealing with wounded lions. And here they were, wielding guns.

“Sorry officer,” I tried a softer tone. “But what have I done?”

“When you get to the station, you will know. In fact, your crime don increase. Parking on the highway, trying to teach policemen how to do their job, causing public nuisance, trying to create an accident and risking the lives of other Nigerians, wasting the time of the Nigeria Police with stupid talk, claiming to be a journalist and a policeman at the same time…very serious crimes.”

“I have not committed any crime, officer.”

“When you write a statement in our station, you can say so.”

It is true that I had parked the car by the roadside to receive a phone call. Road safety regulations stipulate that we should not drive and use the phone at the same time. I thought I was being a good citizen when I parked by the roadside, switched on the hazard lights and took the call. I spent less than a minute on the phone. But the policemen had seen me; they double-crossed the car. They took almost ten minutes before disclosing what “crime” I had committed, and all explanations that I was in fact trying to obey the law fell on deaf ears.

“You can’t park on the highway. You are supposed to keep moving.”

“But officer, this is not a highway. This is just a street.”

“You want to tell me what a highway is!”

“I have a dictionary in the car. We can check the meaning of highway, officer.”

“I don’t want your dictionary. Is this a classroom? When you get to our station, I will give you our own dictionary. We also have a dictionary at the station!”

“I parked the car because I didn’t want to drive and use the phone. And you can see that the hazard lights are on. And I am right inside the car. What if the car had broken down?”

“If it breaks down, you carry it on your head. If not, if police catch you, we arrest you for criminal action.”

I was tempted to laugh. But under the circumstances, that might have been impolitic. Too many innocent lives have been cut short by Nigerian policemen who can’t stand a citizen insisting on his or her rights. Assassins, armed robbers, kidnappers, ritual killers are on the prowl in the country, and yet the police appear overwhelmed. But they are most effective in harassing innocent Nigerians.

One policeman once told me that it was an offence to carry money in the trunk of a car. He refused to be convinced otherwise. When I stood my ground, he asked for the car’s fire extinguisher. When I brought that out, he insisted on sighting the certificate of ownership. I drew his attention to the fact that it was an official car. Then he pointed to a minor scratch and said the law does not allow anybody to drive a car with a scratch. What law? Has he not seen the smoking contraptions on Nigerian roads, which block visibility and cause accidents? His response was that I should mind my own business. I was facing a similar situation and I had wasted so much time already, thinking that I was dealing with honest policemen on duty. Someone soon joined us and started begging the policemen on my behalf.

“This your friend is too stubborn. I think he is a big man but he doesn’t know what to do. Instead of him to behave himself, he has been boasting here that he knows commissioner; if you like know IG.”

“You people didn’t give me a chance to explain.”

“Who is interested in your explanation? Police say you park for highway, you wan bring dictionary. You think this place na your office? Don’t you live in this country?”

“Okay officer, I am sorry.” Even when you have not committed any offence, it is better to beg Nigerian policemen. And it would be suicidal to follow them to the police station. You could be branded an armed robber and kept in the cell for months. I tried to humour the policemen by smiling sheepishly at them. By now, they had lowered their rifles.

“Okay oga, to settle everything, give us something.”

At this point, the only policeman who appeared sober intervened and told their team leader that it would not be advisable to collect bribe from me. He even said I could go. The team leader refused.

“Oga, you can’t go oh. Ha ha. Me, I will collect something from you today.”

“Let oga go. He says he knows commissioner.”

“How does that concern me? I will collect something from him. Oga, you are a big man. Give me something, I will take. Ha, after all the time we have spent on your matter, you can’t just waste our time like that.”

“Okay no problem,” I said, dipping my hand into my pocket.

“Make it big oh.” Then he turned to his colleague: “What is the matter with you? You too dey fear. Anybody can say he knows commissioner of police. Commissioner na human being, people suppose know am. But na we dey for road.”

I paid the ransom that the man wanted and regained my freedom. I had hardly driven for another ten minutes when I came upon a group of young men blocking a service lane.

“Yes, what is the matter here?,” I queried. These ones didn’t have guns, they were not wearing any uniform, they looked like “area boys” and I was in no mood to pay another toll.

“This car is under arrest”

“What do you mean this car is under arrest?”

“It is carrying advertisement.”

“But if you are not blind you will see that this is a press car.”

“Advertisement is advertisement.”

“Has Fashola not warned you local government people to stop harassing Lagosians?”

“Ta lo n je Fashola”

“BRF”

“Omo ta ni yen”

“SAN. Eko o ni baje.”

“Is he the Chairman of this area? Chairman says any car that carries advertisement must pay. It is N15, 000. If you pay now we will give you a receipt… Abi ki lo n se maanu yi ke? If you are not careful, I will give you tribal marks.” He brought out a razor blade.

“This car is not advertising anything. This is just company name. Who is your Chairman, by the way?”

“O fe mo Sheer-man. This man wants to know Sheer-man. You will have to follow us to our office.”

“I don’t have to go with you. Let me just take my bag. I will give you the car key but I assure you, your Chairman will bring this car to me in my office, by the time I start trouble.”

“Bring the car key. Omo, you drive the car. Mister man you can take your bag and go. Sheer-man will bring the car to you in your office.”

The folly of my statement suddenly dawned on me. I ended up pacifying the boys. They also insisted on collecting money. By the time I got to the office, I was mentally drained. Our leaders are bad, so-called ordinary people are mean, this is what makes living in this land so stressful.


http://odili.net/news/source/2010/jul/11/2.html

Na waa for Naija police

Tuyis:

The other face of Nigeria
By Reuben Abati 


“Get down now. Open your door, let us come in, we are taking you to the station.”

 
“Hey, open that door, now, now, before I shoot.”

He sounded like he would shoot truly. The car had been surrounded by gun-totting policemen. I looked up, there was a policeman pointing a gun at the car in the direction of my newly shaved head. He looked stoned. Nigerians are great, incorrigible voyeurs, every incident with a touch of drama excites them; I noticed a small crowd of onlookers was already gathering like an audience at a movie.

I couldn’t figure out what the confusion was all about. I thought the men were armed robbers. The fact that they wore the Police uniform didn’t matter. These days, police uniforms and guns are available for hire, such that the average Nigerian has come to learn that a uniform looks just as good on a crook as it does on the public official engaged in legitimate duty.

“What is it? What is the problem?,” I yelled. “I am a journalist,” I added, trying to introduce myself. Sometimes, that helps. But this was not my lucky day.

“And so? Journalist. Well done! Because you are a journalist, you think you can commit a crime?”

Crime? What crime?

“Look officer, you and I do the same job, we are both trying to make this society a better place for all of us. Try and be civil. What have I done?”

“This is the problem with you people. One time you say you are a journalist. Another time, you say you are police, doing the same job with police. What is your rank? Wey your uniform? Just open this door and follow us to station. You will see yourself today.” In a matter of seconds, the rear door had been flung open, two policemen struggled to get into the car, their guns carelessly targeted at me. I got angry.

“Are you people alright at all; get down from this car right now.”

“You are abusing a policeman. You will see yourself today.”

“Can’t you see I am trying to have a conversation with your colleague here? Why don’t you wait and let me know what is wrong before you jump into the car?”

“You are speaking grammar. Policeman is trying to do his job, you are blowing grammar. You want to teach police how to do his job because you are a journalist? Is that how to behave?”

I turned to the only one among the policemen who appeared sober. “Please talk to your colleagues, because I really can’t understand what I have done that is responsible for this harassment.”

“That man is my oga sir. He is our commander.”

“I think you have heard now. I am the oga here. It’s me you should be talking to.”

“Look, I am a friend of the police.”

“Who is your friend? You can’t commit a crime and claim that you are a friend of the police.”

“I have written many articles defending you people, asking government to attend to the welfare of policemen…”

“We don’t read articles. Just follow us.”

“I also speak on television”

“I don’t watch telly. Where NEPA dey sef to take watch television?”

“See, I am a member of the Lagos State Security Trust, we are always providing help for the police on behalf of the people. Where are you people from, the command or RRS? Who is your oga? Odumosu or Akpoyibo.”

“Akpoyibo”

“I know him”

“This man, stop disturbing us with stories. Move this car and follow us to the station.”

“I am a friend of the police. I am sure that your Hilux van must have been provided by the Security Trust. Even this your uniform looks like one of the uniforms we gave out to the police the other month.”

“My uniform? This uniform? If I hear that again, I will use this gun to scatter your head. Nobody gave me this uniform. I bought this uniform myself from police store. I bought this shoe myself. I bought this cap with my own money. If anybody tell you say dey give police uniform, it is a lie. Ask every policeman, na we dey buy our uniform ourselves.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I can see that you don’t understand anything. If you people gave uniforms and money to some people in the police, you better know the people, because we on duty, we cater for we-self.”

I knew I was dealing with wounded lions. And here they were, wielding guns.

“Sorry officer,” I tried a softer tone. “But what have I done?”

“When you get to the station, you will know. In fact, your crime don increase. Parking on the highway, trying to teach policemen how to do their job, causing public nuisance, trying to create an accident and risking the lives of other Nigerians, wasting the time of the Nigeria Police with silly talk, claiming to be a journalist and a policeman at the same time…very serious crimes.”

“I have not committed any crime, officer.”

“When you write a statement in our station, you can say so.”

It is true that I had parked the car by the roadside to receive a phone call. Road safety regulations stipulate that we should not drive and use the phone at the same time. I thought I was being a good citizen when I parked by the roadside, switched on the hazard lights and took the call. I spent less than a minute on the phone. But the policemen had seen me; they double-crossed the car. They took almost ten minutes before disclosing what “crime” I had committed, and all explanations that I was in fact trying to obey the law fell on deaf ears.

“You can’t park on the highway. You are supposed to keep moving.”

“But officer, this is not a highway. This is just a street.”

“You want to tell me what a highway is!”

“I have a dictionary in the car. We can check the meaning of highway, officer.”

“I don’t want your dictionary. Is this a classroom? When you get to our station, I will give you our own dictionary. We also have a dictionary at the station!”

“I parked the car because I didn’t want to drive and use the phone. And you can see that the hazard lights are on. And I am right inside the car. What if the car had broken down?”

“If it breaks down, you carry it on your head. If not, if police catch you, we arrest you for criminal action.”

I was tempted to laugh. But under the circumstances, that might have been impolitic. Too many innocent lives have been cut short by Nigerian policemen who can’t stand a citizen insisting on his or her rights. Assassins, armed robbers, kidnappers, ritual killers are on the prowl in the country, and yet the police appear overwhelmed. But they are most effective in harassing innocent Nigerians.

One policeman once told me that it was an offence to carry money in the trunk of a car. He refused to be convinced otherwise. When I stood my ground, he asked for the car’s fire extinguisher. When I brought that out, he insisted on sighting the certificate of ownership. I drew his attention to the fact that it was an official car. Then he pointed to a minor scratch and said the law does not allow anybody to drive a car with a scratch. What law? Has he not seen the smoking contraptions on Nigerian roads, which block visibility and cause accidents? His response was that I should mind my own business. I was facing a similar situation and I had wasted so much time already, thinking that I was dealing with honest policemen on duty. Someone soon joined us and started begging the policemen on my behalf.

“This your friend is too stubborn. I think he is a big man but he doesn’t know what to do. Instead of him to behave himself, he has been boasting here that he knows commissioner; if you like know IG.”

“You people didn’t give me a chance to explain.”

“Who is interested in your explanation? Police say you park for highway, you wan bring dictionary. You think this place na your office? Don’t you live in this country?”

“Okay officer, I am sorry.” Even when you have not committed any offence, it is better to beg Nigerian policemen. And it would be suicidal to follow them to the police station. You could be branded an armed robber and kept in the cell for months. I tried to humour the policemen by smiling sheepishly at them. By now, they had lowered their rifles.

“Okay oga, to settle everything, give us something.”

At this point, the only policeman who appeared sober intervened and told their team leader that it would not be advisable to collect bribe from me. He even said I could go. The team leader refused.

“Oga, you can’t go oh. Ha ha. Me, I will collect something from you today.”

“Let oga go. He says he knows commissioner.”

“How does that concern me? I will collect something from him. Oga, you are a big man. Give me something, I will take. Ha, after all the time we have spent on your matter, you can’t just waste our time like that.”

“Okay no problem,” I said, dipping my hand into my pocket.

“Make it big oh.” Then he turned to his colleague: “What is the matter with you? You too dey fear. Anybody can say he knows commissioner of police. Commissioner na human being, people suppose know am. But na we dey for road.”

I paid the ransom that the man wanted and regained my freedom. I had hardly driven for another ten minutes when I came upon a group of young men blocking a service lane.

“Yes, what is the matter here?,” I queried. These ones didn’t have guns, they were not wearing any uniform, they looked like “area boys” and I was in no mood to pay another toll.

“This car is under arrest”

“What do you mean this car is under arrest?”

“It is carrying advertisement.”

“But if you are not blind you will see that this is a press car.”

“Advertisement is advertisement.”

“Has Fashola not warned you local government people to stop harassing Lagosians?”

“Ta lo n je Fashola”

“BRF”

“Omo ta ni yen”

“SAN. Eko o ni baje.”

“Is he the Chairman of this area? Chairman says any car that carries advertisement must pay. It is N15, 000. If you pay now we will give you a receipt… Abi ki lo n se maanu yi ke? If you are not careful, I will give you tribal marks.” He brought out a razor blade.

“This car is not advertising anything. This is just company name. Who is your Chairman, by the way?”

“O fe mo Sheer-man. This man wants to know Sheer-man. You will have to follow us to our office.”

“I don’t have to go with you. Let me just take my bag. I will give you the car key but I assure you, your Chairman will bring this car to me in my office, by the time I start trouble.”

“Bring the car key. Omo, you drive the car. Mister man you can take your bag and go. Sheer-man will bring the car to you in your office.”

The folly of my statement suddenly dawned on me. I ended up pacifying the boys. They also insisted on collecting money. By the time I got to the office, I was mentally drained. Our leaders are bad, so-called ordinary people are mean, this is what makes living in this land so stressful.


http://odili.net/news/source/2010/jul/11/2.html

Sweet Jesus. . . . . .This is a good READ.
Is there any continuation of this piece?

Wow! Straight-up animals! I wonder what will happen when that war finally breaks out. I pray it doesnt, but, things are looking towards it! Geez!

A very friendly policeman once layered a forehand on my flat cheek after being stopped for making a U-turn in front of a bank. My offence: for speaking grammar as if I was the only one that went to school. Then he went on to tell me the university his daughter attended and how she was a distinction student. Only if these guys could afford to eat well and stay off the ogogoro and weed.

Look this is Naija!!

Its either you comply and settle, or follow them to the station.
I'm tired of hearing all these complaint.
You guys should be happy that the Nigerian police collect bail money on the road. If not most of una for dey sanko.

How come nobody has thanked the Nigerian police for quietly settling crimes that would have landed most of you in jail. I knw of ppl who have been involved in DUI's who didnt spend a nyt in jail simply because of the kindness of our police.

Abeg make una free olopa o!! If you think its easy, join them.

Tuyis:

The other face of Nigeria
By Reuben Abati


“You are speaking grammar. Policeman is trying to do his job, you are blowing grammar. You want to teach police how to do his job because you are a journalist? Is that how to  behave ?“

“I don’t want your dictionary. Is this a classroom? When you get to our station, I will give you our own dictionary. We also have a dictionary at the station!” http://odili.net/news/source/2010/jul/11/2.html

Muaha ha ha ha OOOooooooooh yeah !

Tuyis:

“Look officer, you and I do the same job, we are both trying to make this society a better place for all of us. Try and be civil. What have I done?”

“This is the problem with you people. One time you say you are a journalist. Another time, you say you are police, doing the same job with police. What is your rank? Wey your uniform? Just open this door and follow us to station.

From traffic offence to impersonation in a matter of minutes. OMG, I could't stop laughing.

Look this is Naija!!

Its either you comply and settle, or follow them to the station.
I'm tired of hearing all these complaint.
You guys should be happy that the Nigerian police collect bail money on the road. If not most of una for dey sanko.

How come nobody has thanked the Nigerian police for quietly settling crimes that would have landed most of you in jail. I knw of ppl who have been involved in DUI's who didnt spend a nyt in jail simply because of the kindness of our police.

Abeg make una free olopa o!! If you think its easy, join them.

So what's ur point ?are u saying it's right for police to harass and collect bribes from people whether u are innocent or not? If that's what u are insinuating then i'm quite sure u must be one those corrupt policemen or u are simply a criminal that has been getting away with crimes due to the excessive corruption of the police.

~Sauron~:



Sweet Jesus. . . . . .This is a good READ.
Is there any continuation of this piece?

Exactly!!! I wish there was a continuation i have to say i enjoyed reading this !!!!

. . .Tragicomedy.

“Look, I am a friend of the police.”

“Who is your friend? You can’t commit a crime and claim that you are a friend of the police.”

“I have written many articles defending you people, asking government to attend to the welfare of policemen…”

“We don’t read articles. Just follow us.”

“I also speak on television”

“I don’t watch telly. Where NEPA dey sef to take watch television?”

“When you get to the station, you will know. In fact, your crime don increase. Parking on the highway, trying to teach policemen how to do their job, causing public nuisance, trying to create an accident and risking the lives of other Nigerians, wasting the time of the Nigeria Police with silly talk, claiming to be a journalist and a policeman at the same time…very serious crimes.”

“I have not committed any crime, officer.”

“When you write a statement in our station, you can say so.”

“This your friend is too stubborn. I think he is a big man but he doesn’t know what to do. Instead of him to behave himself, he has been boasting here that he knows commissioner; if you like know IG.”

“You people didn’t give me a chance to explain.”

“Who is interested in your explanation? Police say you park for highway, you wan bring dictionary. You think this place na your office? Don’t you live in this country?”

“This car is under arrest”

Wonders shall never end in 9ja! seriously, we would be better of without police.

www.nairaland.com/attachments/180447_ROTFLMAO_gif3d0c775232c7f27cf80592785b9635b6

tolu001:

So what's your point ?are u saying it's right for police to harass and collect bribes from people whether u are innocent or not? If that's what u are insinuating then i'm quite sure u must be one those corrupt policemen or u are simply a criminal that has been getting away with crimes due to the excessive corruption of the police.

See as you miss the point.

Have you ever heard anybody come out here and talk about how the Police caught them breaking the law that could have earned them a few nights (if not even months or years) in jail before and they settled it quickly and quietly without incident?? NO!!

I'm not saying bribery is good. I'm just saying if we are gonna talk about those times when we were innocent and they tried to harass us, we may as well talk about those times when we were guilty and they had mercy on us.

I strongly hate the Nigerian Police. Infact any law enforcement agency in Nigeria all fall under this umbrella of hate.

Customs (but ppl have still paid them to allow contrabands that they spent millions importing into the country)
Immigrations (If not for them, most of our boys no for dey overseas now dey hussle)

Name em' they are currupt. But they have save our asses at one time or the other.

What shall it profit a man if u gain 50naira and loose your soul.

If you have to go through this every other day mehhhhhhn


_{But come o, why are these foreign journalists painting us black all the time cant they write some positive}