My friend would like to get divorced from her husband as soon and as fast as possible. He has been beating and abusing her right from the onset of their marriage. She has been told by all other friends to leave the man but she refused saying she did not want to lose their only child to him in a custody battle. Last night she called me crying and telling me, he had beaten her once again and four of her front teeth have come off. I am angry with her for putting up with this beast this far. Please what is the procedure for divorce in Nigeria. I do not want her to be maimed or killed by this man. Any help will be appreciated thanks.

na wa o,

I quite sympathise with your friend's predicament, though i don't know about the procedures for getting a divorce. I would just like to ask some basic questions:
Is divorce the only solution to this marital problem?
How did your friend get herself into such an abusive relationship?
Has the husband always been abusive right from time or are there certain things she does that brings that part of him out ( not justifying wife battery though).

'Cos sometimes i get amazed when some ladies see these traits in their men during courtship and still go ahead to marry them all in the name of love, just to want to opt out sooner after marriage. God help us.

I do not really support divorce, but to answer your question get a lawyer.

divorce depends on the power dat joined them:
1. if it is God, then tell Him about the marriage and seek his approval before she quit. but i doubt if God will buy that idea.
2. if it is court, just go there an table an application for dissolution of the marriage.
3. if it is a Herbalist, go to him and tell him that the love portion/charm has expired.
4. if it is 'born for me', then they can just call it quit.
all marriages have one challenge or the other, but wife-batery can be because of undastanding btw them

^^^^ correct, or learn tae-kwo-ndo and kick-boxing!

Thanks for all of your replies (even for those that do not make sense). I will tell her to get a lawyer immediately. The guy has always been that way. Whenever anyone would tell her to break the relationship and that it was not normal. She would say it is because he loves her and cares about her he is beating her. Nobody likes a divorce but what do you to about a man, who is ready to kill you to show he loves you and thinks by physically assaulting you he is helping to correct your mistakes. Yesterday she lost 4 TEETH! Tomorrow who knows what else.

mrsj:

Yesterday she lost 4 TEETH! Tomorrow who knows what else.

maybe an eye, arm or a leg ,  lol

but seriously, I wonder why a man would lay his hands on a woman. I have heard of a case before in which the woman said that she feels loved whenever the husband beats her. This is really crazy.
I am not an advocate of divorce but then, is a woman going to continue enduring a marriage in which she is being battered? We have heard of many instances in which a battering husband has killed his wife.

Where is your friend located?

Many people tend to underestimate the importance of the welfare and social governmental establishments. They are very important and carry allot of weight in a custordy case.
When working as a lawyer in Nigeria even years back, I came into contact with them.
Apart from that we have many women organisations in Nigeria today- They also do not cost any money.
She also needs a lawyer.
Your friend has my deepest sympathy. Will she be able to do up the teeth in Nigeria and what does it take.
I feel moved by this story.
Where does your friend stay and how old is she.
Many women hide the fact that the man is battering them because the don`t want to became the scorned. In most cases one does not realise that the man will end up that way. The signs are not always there. Besides sometimes a slap or so might be attributed to youth.
Nothing a woman does justifies this treatment. The sad aspect is that in Nigeria most people even the family of the girl, sometimes tell her she must have deserved the beatings or she should behave herself.
Most times the beating only gets worse because the man derives a kick from it.

I do not support divorce in any way, there can always be a way out for this marriage, the man is surely suffering from a disorder which the wife can help him overcome if she gets counseling. Let her try this first. It shall be well.

While she is helping him with his disorder why don't you volunteer your sister to be taken the punches for her. People just like to talk. If he kills her tomorrow you will go on with your life. Make love to your wife, give your children a hug, talk to your parents and enjoy all the things that come with being alive. She will never have that choice because you adviced her to live with a man that is capable of killing her. May God forgive your horrible sin

I dont give advice in that line,sorry

polosco:

I do not support divorce in any way, there can always be a way out for this marriage, the man is surely suffering from a disorder which the wife can help him overcome if she gets counseling. Let her try this first. It shall be well.

How i wish I could slap you over the internet.
Do you know what it is to endure countless beatings and during one body-bashing session, to lose FOUR teeth

Let's assume he truly has a disorder . Whose fault is that? Hers?
It's not your fault. You sound like those men who say they do not support abortion in any way but forget the pains that come with childbirth.

Outstrip:

While she is helping him with his disorder why don't you volunteer your sister to be taken the punches for her. People just like to talk. If he kills her tomorrow you will go on with your life. Make love to your wife, give your children a hug, talk to your parents and enjoy all the things that come with being alive. She will never have that choice because you advised her to live with a man that is capable of killing her. May God forgive your horrible sin

Marriage is for better for worse, for richer for poorer, to be with till death do them part, not to run into and run out of it sometime later. Civilization has eroded the virtue of Christian marriage, may God return us to the basics of the Christian home

IyaBasira:

How i wish I could slap you over the internet.
Do you know what it is to endure countless beatings and during one body-bashing session, to lose FOUR teeth

Let's assume he truly has a disorder . Whose fault is that? Hers?
It's not your fault. You sound like those men who say they do not support abortion in any way but forget the pains that come with childbirth.

Thank God you can't slap me from there!!!!!
Frankly divorce is never a way out of any marriage problem, there is always a better way, for the present world and the benefit of eternity. Every thing we do or say should be with eternity in view. What does God really have for this family? If He were to advice them will He tell them to divorce?

I'm all for divorce. Domestic violence is getting out of control in Nigeria and around the world. Women are not punching bags for these spineless men. Any man that raises his hands to beat a woman is nothing but a COWARD
Divorce his sorry arse ojare!

Polosco,
the same bible says my body is the temple of the lord.
Is it not my duty as Gods child to preserve it from distruction.

wendyz:

Is divorce the only solution to this marital problem?
How did your friend get herself into such an abusive relationship?

Is divorce the only solution? What else do you suggest? Her brute of a husband has knocked 4 of her front teeth out. Do you suggest she remains with him, thus giving him the opportunity to knock the rest out, condemning her to a life of surviving on Complan, taken through a straw? Or kills her?

@ Mrsj: Please tell your friend to go see a lawyer. She shouldn't remain with this violent guy just because she has a child with him. I can't see any decent court awarding custody to her husband, considering his history of violence, but we're talking about Nigeria, where anything could happen. She has the gaping mouth as proof, she shouldn't wait till he completely destroys her, to the point no other man will be interested in her.

polosco:

Marriage is for better for worse, for richer for poorer, to be with till death do them part, not to run into and run out of it sometime later. Civilization has eroded the virtue of Christian marriage, may God return us to the basics of the Christian home

and im sure you wouldnt have a problem with your daughter/sister being constantly abused and tormented physically and emotionally by their husbands.  you will take it like a 'man' and send them back to their husbands after-all marriage is for better, for worse. including, for abuse or no abuse, premature death by abuse or not. lest they forget, thats what they get for being married and most definitely what they indirectly signed on to.

The issue is where one wants to go from here? If she is a true christian and a bible believing one then she needs to reconsider divorce. She may need to give a gap to have fresh take at life. But never to run away. We as Christians are called to bear our cross daily. There are lots she can do to save her marriage, i suggest she sees a bible believing counselor. Something must have gone wrong with the relationship, so there is a need to revisit the foundation, and set things right.
@Mutter- Bible is very sure cos God says, we should work out our salvation with fear and trembling and not with frivolities, will our decisions stand b4 the Almighty? God's foundation stands sure. Let's not deceive ourselves there is a way out  4 this marriage if the wife will humble herself enough to find out, the husband may not be the worst sinner out there, is there something she is doing wrong? if she changes this can there be a change in her home? Let her think well first. I wish her God's speed in the right direction.

i had a traditional marraige in nigeria and after 6 years my wife divorced me in nigeria,the divorce is effective 1st Oct, 2010. can i re marry in the UK ?somebody told me that the legal requirement in the UK is that i have to wait for atleast 3 month before i can re marry after the divorce, i know there are a lot of intelligent ppl on nairaland with wide range of knowledge kindly reply my enquiry.

polosco:

The issue is where one wants to go from here? If she is a true christian and a bible believing one then she needs to reconsider divorce. She may need to give a gap to have fresh take at life. But never to run away. We as Christians are called to bear our cross daily. There are lots she can do to save her marriage, i suggest she sees a bible believing counselor. Something must have gone wrong with the relationship, so there is a need to revisit the foundation, and set things right.
@Mutter- Bible is very sure cos God says, we should work out our salvation with fear and trembling and not with frivolities, will our decisions stand b4 the Almighty? God's foundation stands sure. Let's not deceive ourselves there is a way out 4 this marriage if the wife will humble herself enough to find out, the husband may not be the worst sinner out there, is there something she is doing wrong? if she changes this can there be a change in her home? Let her think well first. I wish her God's speed in the right direction.

@ Polosco

Can I just ask you to[b] PLEASE[/b] shut up as you are not making any sense at all (sorry no offence meant) The poster has not stated that this woman is a Xtian, moreso she has chosen not to die in this "boxing ring" of a marriage. Chei! some people never cease to amaze me, beating woman and kicking out 4 teeth! I swear if someone do that to my sister I'll orgainse people to beat the hell out of him and some of his teeth kicked out.
@ Poster please tell you friend to leave this marriage pronto otherwise na im dead bodi dem go carry out of the man house.

Tell Your friend to find the Social welfare office in her state. they are trained and in each local Government secretariat. They will help her with custody and child support. They will make sure she is protected and safe. they will also give her counseling. Very Important. a lawyer will only handle the legal aspect. She has been through trauma, she will need help to start over. If she is in Abuja she can contact me with the email lsfoundation08@yahoo.com

That is rubbish.Divorce is not allowed,how did they meet in the first place.I'm sure they never courted,but date.Dating breeds all these problems but if you were courting you'll found out his character.Now face it or be ready to answerbefore your creator.Marriage is a covenant,can,t be broken.You need this book it will help you.
DELAYED MARRIAGE AND WHY YOU MAY NEVER GET MARRIED(the untold factors)this is the book for todays marriage problems.get it here at
www.mymarriage-is-now..com

pastore1:

That is rubbish.Divorce is not allowed,

says who? can i ask you some questions pls?
1. if you are married but your wife abandoned you, refused to come back home and untraceable are you going to re-marry or not?
2. If your wife refuses to have intimacy with you for years what are you going to do? stay celibate, divorce her and marry another woman?

Pastore, suicide is an even bigger sin than divorce. This woman is committing suicide. The man is going to kill her.

Some people on this thread seem to have extremely limited intelligence! How can you advise a woman who is being beaten to stay and continue to be beaten? Do you really believe that is what God wants for any of his children? That is not the God I know.
To suggest she has done something to warrant this is even more ludicrous. What could she have possibly done to deserve her teeth being knocked out of her mouth? There is nothing. And what happens when he looses his temper with the child, do you think he will not beat the child just as severely? Come on now, use your heads.
As for how she ended up with such a man; most abusers come so strong and sweet at first. You are everything to them and they are so gentle and loving. Maybe a tad to jealous but he will make up for it by being the most attentive boyfriend ever. It is only when he knows without a doubt that he has you the abuse starts. Usually by the time that happens he has cut you off from your friends and family and lowered your self esteem enough that you feel you have no way out.
What this woman needs is prayers and protection of her family not these silly 19th century views.

mutter:

Pastore, suicide is an even bigger sin than divorce. This woman is committing suicide. The man is going to kill her.

Before you go all soft and fuzzy for the woman, don't you think that we should get a bit of the other side of the story? How do you know that the man is at fault. I always find it amazing when some woman comes and cries help and all the other foolish c. u n. t. s on this board rush to her defense without asking the most basic question. What about the other side to the story?

Even if she gets a Lawyer do you think they are going to cover the mouth of the man?

pastore1:

That is rubbish.Divorce is not allowed,how did they meet in the first place.I'm sure they never courted,but date.Dating breeds all these problems but if you were courting you'll found out his character.Now face it or be ready to answerbefore your creator.Marriage is a covenant,can,t be broken.You need this book it will help you.
DELAYED MARRIAGE AND WHY YOU MAY NEVER GET MARRIED(the untold factors)this is the book for todays marriage problems.get it here at
www.mymarriage-is-now..com

dont be daft people change with time you drift apart

Johndoe, would you knock out the teeth of your worst enemy?
No matter what the woman did, is that the solution beating her up?
Do you believe that a woman who does something wrong and gets so badly beaten, would repeat that offence again? She would be filled with fear.
Texasgirl analysed the situation very well and she has real insight in this matter. Such men do not out themselves initially and the beating gets worse with time. I think these men get some sadistic pleasure out of beating a woman.
I think your reply is an insult to women who are going through hell in marriage. Nothing gives a man the right to beat his wife so badly.How would you feel if it was your sister or daughter?
I have made such experiences in my first marriage. My husband walked the few friends I had out of the house, and he stalked me when I went out. That way I was cut of from most friends. Everyone in the neighbourhood knew what was going on. Once the priest sent some christian mothers to me and my husband walked them out of our house with abuses. They prayed allot for me and gave me the strength I needed to flee. That even though the catholic church is against divorce.
I try to recollect sometimes years later what my offence were and honestly it was nothing a normal man would even comment about. When we first got married we had to spend some months in the North and he would bring home about 5 or 6 of his friends to eat lunch at home. It had to be pounded yam. After quite a while I suggested to him that he should maybe go the mess with his friends because I was finding it difficult to pound yam, since I had never really had much experience with it. He made no comment. That evening he suggested we go for a drive. He drove way out, not a soul only desert. Then he stopped and suggested we take a walk. After we got some distance away from the road he pulled out his gun and told me he could leave my corpse there and no one would find me. It was a privilege for a woman to have a husband and to cook for him. I should thank him when he eats my food.  He trashed the living daylight out of me for things like, I looked a man in the face or I did not open the door when he came home. He was not ready to use his key a wife should be awake waiting for her husband and that at 2 or 3 almost every morning. When his superior reprimanded him because he saw the bruises he  started  flogging me with his belt. He would flog me on my trunk and upper legs only and challenge me to go and expose my body to anyone, then I would have an even greater problem. 
When I had a child I brought her home the very next day. That night I locked myself in the room because I could see that look in his eyes that spelt trouble. He broke down the door and forced himself on me busting all my stitches. I was so weak and in pain. I had to go back to the hospital to get it re-stitched. By the time the doctor came the baby was crying and hungry, I was breast feeding and had no bottle with me, While I was there screaming with pain, my husband insisted they put the baby on my breast and the nurse actually did as he said but I pleaded with her not to allow my child drink my pain over my breast. I thank God she listened to me, she sent my husband away and told him they needed to work alone and she would do as he said. She put her finger into the baby`s mouth to keep it quiet. On the way back and days after he was making jokes about how I screamed.
This is just a drop in the bucket, there was allot more that I even feel too bad to mention it.
So now please tell me what this c-u-n-t as you call me did to deserve all this?
Do you believe I was not making efforts to do it all right? It got to a stage that when I heard his car, my heart would pound madly and I would jump up to make sure that there was absolutely nothing to comment on that I had overlooked. Still he would find something to drive him mad. The curtains did not hang right or the phone was engaged when he tried to call, I cooked with too little meat or too much meat, I should bring his slippers before his meal.
The reason I stayed so long in the marriage was also because of such views like you have. You need to behave yourself, show more respect, all you educated girls etc, 
Then again I was too ashamed to tell most of what was going on.
After some years I developed health problems, my heart was racing constantly uncontrollably and I would get this feeling like I was not getting any air and was suffocating. I had a lump in my throat that would not go away.Then I did not know it was psychological and due to the stress. At that time in Nigeria, no one really paid attention to such things. Finally I got to about two doctors. One an ENT and he explained to me it was all in the mind to do with stress. The other doctor examined me, I said nothing to him, he asked me to bring my husband along. I told him he would not come. The doctor gave me one year and I would be gone, if I did not leave that man. That without me even telling him my problems.
Sorry this is so detailed, this is not meant to arouse sympathy or to condemn anyone, just to help. I got help from others who opened my eyes, that I was not to blame and that I could not change it and that thigs were happening that simply should not happen.
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