Writing gives me perspective, it allows me to organize my thoughts and be still...even if it's for a moment, that's enough for me to gain clarity.

I don't feel comfortable talking about some issues that are this sensitive to people that I can't tell what their throughts are.

Most of the accounts I will share here are either live or has happened recently.

Should I call her up?


I knew exactly what was waiting for me at home once I touch down. I had called her before leaving. I asked to know if I'll be seeing he when I get home. She wasn't sure. We both agreed that once I'm home I'll call her up.

For almost 4 years something had always come up, there has always been something to stop me from going all the way but this time it seems that there's nothing that can stop it from happening except me.

I can get really addicted to something. The last time it took the grace of God for me to stop. if I should go back to sex, i might not be able to break free again... but I miss the ecstasy, the pleasure and the feeling it gives...but then again it's only for a few minutes, and I'll wallow in self pity, having regrets and probably hating (maybe hate is too strong) the girl.

What then do I truly want? Why do I seek sex when I know the end already? Is it because there's an inert vacuum that I need to fill and sex seems to be a quick fix or maybe sex is what the world has as a solution? And why do I keep mentioning "world" when it's just me and my urge?



To be continued

Continuation

I was hoping that something would come up and put asunder, to save me from this wrong I was about to do. I was finding it very difficult to decide to what to do next; should I call to cancel or let things play out? This will be the fourth time this happening with this girl. I was sure that she would never listen to any of my future invites after this one.

I called her up around 1pm. She was with her mom. She asked me to call her around 3pm. She isn't sure anymore if she will be able to make it. Those words were music to my ears...Thank God I'm not the one with the excuse.

I went to my family home to visit my younger ones. Seeing them brought so much joy to my heart. We had so much to talk about...they had a lot to share, all the juicy gossip that I've missed. They asked me to spend the night with them. This is God asking me to stay o...

When I called her around 3pm, she gave me the good-bad news...she can't make it. I told her there are things I want to share with her but it's going to be another time.

This is how I got free for this day.

While this was going on, I was sharing every bit of it with two of my friends...both were encouraging in different ways. The girl asked me to write and share with the world while the guy prayed for me and advice me.

Right now the urge isn't there but from experience, it can sneak up on you while walking, at the office, in the bus, in your street and your compound.