Specialist900:

It doesn't cost one to say sorry for life to continue. then why the hell are we looking for who is right and who is wrong? At times we have to play the fool for peace to reign.

Its as easy as this and life goes on.

She should apologize for the way she reacted. There are more amiable ways she could have dealt with it. I dont know what kinda marriage or husband she gat but if they have a marriage of partners, then both should apologize. If not and the Husband is a typical Nigerian who has to be above the wife, then she should apologize for peace sake. There are times and places she could bring it up to let him see her point of view, u knw wat am talkn abt ladies

My answer might surprise many but the wife was wrong.
The card she gave to the husband was his property. He had a right to do with it what he pleased. Now she may feel hurt that he tore it but maybe the man did not see it as important since he had the woman he loved at his side and his life is filled with signs of her.
The pictures of the gf are also his property and she had no right to tear them. It is not as if he had been displaying the pictures in the house but they only came out then. Now a past gf  belongs to the past and to memories and some people like to keep memories. The woman intruded into an Era she did not belong into. Besides tearing the pictures has only the opposite effect, it only kindles the memory of the gf makes her more important.
Did you say 2 years without a real quarrel? That is a negative sign. Not good at all. It shows that the marriage has issues that were not handled but swept under the rug. This is maybe a chance for them to bring these issues up.
I think you should advise your friend to go talk to her husband.
She should apologize for not talking to him that is even more grievous than the initial incident at hand.
The man too has his own fault. A fault that many men have. He was insensitive to the wifes feelings and emotions. A man with this great
quality would have turned the whole issue into a joke when he saw his wife was hurt.
Many men demand respect and submission from a woman but fail to realize just how painful and hard it can be to submit to a man that is insensitive to the needs of a woman.
Just ask your friend to go and plead with her husband for forgiveness and also for more understanding and sympathy towards her feeling in the future. The world outside has enough problems waiting for us, we need an undivided house to cope.

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^^ Why should she be the one to apologise? They should both be doing the apologising.

The thought of a man still having pictures of his ex girlfriends even after marriage with two kids is enough to make a woman go emotionally n[i]a[/i]ked for one minute.

My question is this: Why will a man hide some pictures of his ex gf's in a book? what are those pics still doing in the house?

That is a sign of complete disrespect

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^^ Sometimes pretence is not healthy CC. I cannot pretend to be sorry in this case especially when I know I am dying inside. Apologise for what exactly? That my husband saw it fit to keep some pics of his ex'es?

Mba nu. There is no peace in this one

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Wow. I definitely would have ripped up the pictures. Why would I want them in my house. I really don't care if my husband throws away cards I give him though but I would throw pictures I don't like in the trash. Absolutely. Is she saying she never saw the pictures before? Hmm. If not then the man was seriously hiding them. Just wondering was there also a jar of vaseline with the pictures

The lady should apologize. There is a place of stooping low to conquer. she should have use her feminine power to express herself to the man that she did not love the way the card was tored and he should explain the ladies picture.
Instead of being hard on him and want to prove a point. Which point is she trying to prove anyway after 2 kids.

Men don't like confrontational woman no matter what even if he knows he is wrong. I believe there are ways the woman should have handled it and the man will be the one begging her, taking her out now

Thanks people for all your comments.
She told me she apologised to her husband this morning and they've settled. I know they do love each other very much and just took things for granted.
@ Mutter I really hail your mature and insightful response.

Thanks NLers.

Whether I gave him a card or not and he ripped it or not, why should he create some mini photo-altar for his ex in my own home? Utterly disrespectful. I doubt he would take it kindly if she had secretly kept pictures of her ex. I will tear it to shreds, since his hand is paining him to discard it, I'll help him do it.

stillwater:

Whether I gave him a card or not and he ripped it or not, why should he create some mini photo-altar for his ex in my own home? Utterly disrespectful. I doubt he would take it kindly if she had secretly kept pictures of her ex. I will tear it to shreds, since his hand is paining him to discard it, I'll help him do it.

Outstrip:

Wow. I definitely would have ripped up the pictures. Why would I want them in my house. I really don't care if my husband throws away cards I give him though but I would throw pictures I don't like in the trash. Absolutely. Is she saying she never saw the pictures before? Hmm. If not then the man was seriously hiding them. Just wondering was there also a jar of vaseline with the pictures

Seriously, Then I can imagine my self apologising like this: "Honey, I am so sorry I ripped up the pictures of your ex'es, I mean It is not in my place to do that since there are your properties"

WTF

chaircover:

She is not pretending just opening lines of communication. They can solve this better when at least one of them is calm

Shebi he is her husband, If she plays her cards right he will be the one aplogising the more & owing her one.

meanwhile the ex girlfirend is probably happily married and getting on with her life while these ones are fighting over her picture


[s]See you as if u dont have Mr Vickers poster on your bedroom wall; abeg no lie o[/s]

CC , now I know my secrets are not safe with you. Just last week I confided in you, I told you I had Vickers pictures on my bedroom wall, Now you have said it out for the whole world to see

jennykadry:

Seriously, Then I can imagine my self apologising like this: "Honey, I am so sorry I ripped up the pictures of your ex'es, I mean It is not in my place to do that since there are your properties"

WTF



CC , now I know my secrets are not safe with you. Just last week I confided in you, I told you I had Vickers pictures on my bedroom wall, Now you have said it out for the whole world to see

Na over-submission.
That's utterly disrespectful. Let me see whether if he would ruin the family we've made over pictures of an ex?

stillwater:

Na over-submission.
That's utterly disrespectful. Let me see whether he would ruin the family we've made over pictures of an ex?

Thank you.My point exactly, if I don't apologise let me see if he's gonna leave my kids and I cos I tore to pieces the pictures of his ex gf'S.

Honestly I will NOT apologise for peace sake's, Infact let heaven jam earth, I will not. Tufiakwa. I don't mind him tearing the cards up, but why rip the card to peaces and save some ex pictures? It doesn't make sense

I will not apologise in this case, if this is the reason he is going to ask for a divorce then so be it. As long as he opens his mouth and tells his family/court/friends the reason for the separation.

Bloody hell The thing dey pain me like say na my house e happen sef

mennnn, odikwa serious! i think she should apologise for now and then later tell him she feels it was disrespectful and inconsiderate. . .where and when you choose to fight your battles are almost as important as the battles themselves.

you need to be careful what you allow to cause disaffection btw you and your significant others o. . .a picture of an ex ke? it isn't worth it. . .

I am so pissed right now. Hope I can be coherent enough with my reply.
Why the hell did she apologise when she did nothing wrong? Why? For heaven's sake? If the husband had seen pictures of the wife's ex boyfriend safely tucked away in a book and then ripped them only for the wife to flare up over it, I am sure we would have heard something else by now.
Women, please have some self respect. You are female does not mean yot have to put up with any crap that is flung at you or that you must apologise when you are not even in the wrong. I support those women who were against the woman apologising because if the man had torn pictures of the woman's ex, he would NEVER be adviced by nairalanders to apologise to her.
Even a man, ZIMDRILL has said it before on the previous page that men abuse women because they do things like trying to pacify him even when he is obviously wrong. Let us call a spade a spade. Even if the woman was not retaliating because he tore her card, he still shouldn't have started a fight because his wife deprived him of having the viewing pleasure of his ex's pictures.
Women, I beg una, you are human beings, not footmatch, learn to start taking yourselves as one.

fellis:

I am so pissed right now. Hope I can be coherent enough with my reply.
Why the hell did she apologise when she did nothing wrong? Why? For heaven's sake? If the husband had seen pictures of the wife's ex boyfriend safely tucked away in a book and then ripped them only for the wife to flare up over it, I am sure we would have heard something else by now.
Women, please have some self respect. You are female does not mean yot have to put up with any crap that is flung at you or that you must apologise when you are not even in the wrong. I support those women who were against the woman apologising because if the man had torn pictures of the woman's ex, he would NEVER be adviced by nairalanders to apologise to her.
Even a man, ZIMDRILL has said it before on the previous page that men abuse women because they do things like trying to pacify him even when he is obviously wrong. Let us call a spade a spade. Even if the woman was not retaliating because he tore her card, he still shouldn't have started a fight because his wife deprived him of having the viewing pleasure of his ex's pictures.
Women, I beg una, you are human beings, not footmatch, learn to start taking yourselves as one.

I tire ooooo

So the thing pain you as e pain me. Apologise my foot. Instead of me to apologise, let the house be peaceless

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^^^^ As usual CC you make good points. But I beg to differ!

I really do not subscribe to the woman apologizing for tearing up the pictures. Granted she acted out of anger and her reaction could have appeared dis respectful, but shd did absolutely nothing wrong by reacting that way. Women are humans too and not robots. From time to time, u give in to anger justifiably and make rash decisions! But that doesnt make it wrong!

So women shd apologize when they are wrong and apologize when they are right too

I also disagree with mutter. What's with the 'property' thing The woman intruding in a time she didn't exist That's absoulute crap! If he values that time so much that he wants to hold onto it, them maybe he's not ready for the marriage!

The man was wrong no doubt about it. The woman was a bit rash in her reaction but she's completely justified. This idea of pampering the husband just for peace to reign is what puts a lot of women in un happy situations in their marriages. The earlier men start realizing that they are not Gods, the better!

Nothing wrong with apologising even when you are wrong. If it happens all the time or the other party always expects it, then there may be a problem. Love and marriage is all about sacrifices and sometimes this sort of apology is an example of sacrifice. One must be the lamb and one must be the lion in times of conflict. Most times, the woman has to be the lamb [size=5pt]sad but true[/size]

Also, I have heard so many Yoruba and Igbo women say that their husbands don't like saying sorry verbally to them but they say it in other ways. And they have to always apologise to cool him down. So the man might accept he is wrong but say it in other ways immediately or later. What the woman should aim for is peace first and discussion later as Chaircover said

The assumption that the advocates of apologising are making is that the man would see that he is wrong after the woman's apology and peace would reign again.
Mbanu.
The man, if he is a blockhead strong headed person could obstinately decide to remain angry and not get back to peaceful terms with the woman until she REALLY goes out of her way to placate him and apologise. And such a thing is likely to end up frustrating the wife who knows in her heart that she did nothing (and the result is an unhappy woman/bad marriage).
This might sound impossible, but consider the fact that a lot of men take themselves as gods over their wives and know that in Africa, he is more or less the one with the last say, whether the wife agrees or not.

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chaircover:

My ladies, there are apologies and there are apologies (did that make sense)     

1.By saying Honey I am sorry things’ had to escalate so far or I didn’t mean to shout at you is a truthful apology. That alone can break the ice & they have opened up communication. I am not saying she should start grovelling or calling her pastor & her parents to come and beg the man.

2). It sounds really weird but men actually respect women who respect them. In most cases a woman cannot force a man to see things her way by shouting and throwing tantrums even if she is right. He may be scared of the woman and try and avoid wahala with her but she can’t get the best out of a man that way.

I know that some men do go against this theory and the more you pet and pamper them the worse they behave, but the average man has a heart and a brain (that’s why you married him in the first instance)   and so most men find it difficult to fight a woman who refuses to fight.

Also lets remember that many men find it hard to apologise in words but do so in their actions. A lot of these men never saw their fathers apologising to their mothers, so this is new territory for them. He can show his remorse in other ways

Besides if you are one of these people who refuse to go to bed on a row, then you will have to find lots of different ways of dealing with conflict before midnight   

@Bolded part 1. Why is she the one apologising? CC this woman is on her right in this case,her actions are justifiable. Why isn't the man apologising for screaming @ her? seriously

@Bolded part 2. Exactly, same way women respect men that respect them. So because I wanna respect my husband I should become a peaceful mumu abi? Even van vicker sef will receive his own share of shouting if I catch him with another woman(no oofeinse)

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Honestly CC even if van vicker brings the ex to the house I no go complain infact I will serve her food sef
who wants to lose that STUD

BTW I have been looking for MJ for how many days sef. Wetin happen? maybe he is lying down in the hospital after his plastic nose fell off

Ask the woman if she knows her husband loves her?  If she denys the  love, explain that her husband loves her.  Tell her about the love of her children.  Empathize her suffering, but bring her back to acknowledging her love. This is how you reframe someone's thoughts to a different reality.

Next, show her how fortunate she is to have a family with lots of love.  Show her the suffering of all people with lack of love.  After she realizes how fortunate she is and what really matters in life, she is not relying on her external solutions, such as husbands apology.  She is self empowered and can move to a higher level of consciousness.

Works everytime.

Who would even sit back and arguing because 'I tore a pic'? The kind of murderous look I will give that man, he won't go further than Why. . .did. . .you. . .
Even if I don't tear it immediately, I will get a pic of my own ex, enlarge it to 18 by 16 inches, frame it and put it in the bedroom. At least I'm not sneaky.

jennykadry:

@Bolded part 1. Why is she the one apologising? CC this woman is on her right in this case,her actions are justifiable. Why isn't the man apologising for screaming @ her? seriously

@Bolded part 2. Exactly, same way women respect men that respect them. So because I wanna respect my husband I should become a peaceful mumu abi? Even van vicker sef will receive his own share of shouting if I catch him with another woman(no oofeinse)

Lol. I wonder. Fine, you don't flare up for every thing that comes up, but we are human, aren't we? Even the bible says be angry but don't take it to the next day. It's not as if God will judge you as a woman but as a human being. The bible preaches everyone should be peaceful, meek, humble, longsuffering, tolerant. Many men are going to hell then if only a woman needs to be all this.

lol@ murderous look. As for me, d man will develop late stage dementia by d time i look at him wt anger for 5secs. Infact ask him talk he'll say he's 4gotten wat he wanted to say


Peace gba kwa okwu. Infact ddat man is @ risk of castration by me,nansense upon ingredients

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@Poster your friend will continue to be a hero worshipper. Men know women they can toys with and the ones they cannot toy with.

Apology my foot nonsense!!!!

@ Stillwater and Jenny

Lol, una own good def, if na me, I force the pictures down his throat . . . That way he can have her 'in' him all the time!

Honestly if such a thing happens to me, I'll bring down the heavens that day. And by the time I'm tru, he'll definitely be the one apologizing.