I had to put this here cause i need matured answers too.....I've been dating my man for 4yrs now,i also have a child for him out of wedlock...Lately he has been doing things he never did like smoking,Yahoo Yahoo,sleeping in an hotel ,really bad stuffs that he clearly knows i don't like....The time i caught him red handed with a prostitute,he Didn't apologize,he had to hit me and blame me for all of his actions...I couldn't take it anymore so i left the house to somewhere far,after 3days,He called to apologize about all he did also he said he has realised his mistakes and he needs me to come home with our baby to him...I stayed where i was until the 5th day which was saturday,i told him to send some money to me so i can come back,then we would meet in church the next day so we could meet our pastor..He sent the money and i travelled back home....The next day we met our pastor and discussed,my mom and dad where present,we all said what had happened and how we felt,so the conclusion was we should still stay apart till everybody calms down...He has apologized,and i love him but my feelings are mixed,i wouldn't like a situation whereby i would return to the house and all this fight and restless mind would start again....he also said that the things he has been doing was as a result of the marine spirit disturbing him,he insists that he has changed and wants us back home but i decided with the pastor to stay apart because i really want to be convinced that he has changed before going back....please i need your advice..
NOTE:4yrs now we've always fought like this,am confused,he loves me and i love him too but bis behaviour is something else.

The question everyone will ask b4 they advise u is why r u not married after 4 years and a child. So u might as well answer it at the onset

Understand that anyone who really loves you would not want to hurt you.
People make mistakes, but any mistake that is repeated over a long period of time is no longer a mistake.
I am not sure if I have ever said this on this forum, because I don't like seeing people get pulled apart, but in this case, please MOVE ON !!
Why ?
1.He does not love you enough, a man who really loves you no matter the circumstances would not want to wait a long time to "seal" his relationship with you, especially one that has produced a child. 4 years is a long time, a child in the picture makes it look longer.

2. A man who really loves you would never hit you, especially after cheating on you.He was not even remorseful.

3. A man who can't be intelligent enough to earn a legitimate income is not fit to be a husband or father, what examples is he going to pass on to your kid(s).

4. Again, a man who loves you won't raise his hands on you, he would respect your feelings, he obviously does not respect your feelings. And him blaming it on marine spirits is complete hogwash. If indeed he has marine spirits tormenting him, its because he sleeps with prostitutes.You are in danger of being infected with spiritual and physical diseases and evil spirits.

5. A man who loves you won't wait for 3 days to apologize for a "mistake". Again, he has no respect for you or your feelings.His ego is very large, he doesn't care if he hurts you just to stroke it.


On a second thought, if you still love him as you claim, and he still "loves" you as you claim and you want to still give it a chance to work, you have to give him conditions.

1. He has to get a legitimate job.
2. He has to stop keeping his current circle of friends, because most Yahoo guys are always recruited and trained by friends, they hardly start it on their own.
3. He has to stop smoking.
4. He has to start treating you like a Queen, and promise you would also treat him like a King.
5. He has to promise never, ever to raise his hands on you.
6. He has to stop abusing you physically and emotionally.
7. Tell him to tell you straight forward what his plans are for you, if he wants to marry you, when is it coming up !. If he sets a date that's less than 6 months, tell him its too short(because its a trap to tie you down and change again later). It has to be six months and above, but it should not be more than 8-10 months. In that time monitor him and see signs of improvements , if there is none, MOVE ON !!
8.Tell him that communication between each other has to improve, you should both be an open book, tell each other everything and anything....trust me you can't go wrong by doing this.

Above all, no matter how much you claim to love someone, you have to first love yourself and understand your worth, if the person/partner does not give you, or respect you up to 70% of what you are worth, then they don't deserve you.
This isn't about being proud or being too picky, you deserve the best.Nobody can get 100% in a partner, but at least 70% should be given and it should not contain vices like cheating, violence and Yahoo Yahoo.

I wish you all the best.

Jessie21:
I had to put this here cause i need matured answers too.....I've been dating my man for 4yrs now,i also have a child for him out of wedlock...Lately he has been doing things he never did like smoking,Yahoo Yahoo,sleeping in an hotel ,really bad stuffs that he clearly knows i don't like....The time i caught him red handed with a prostitute,he Didn't apologize,he had to hit me and blame me for all of his actions...I couldn't take it anymore so i left the house to somewhere far,after 3days,He called to apologize about all he did also he said he has realised his mistakes and he needs me to come home with our baby to him...I stayed where i was until the 5th day which was saturday,i told him to send some money to me so i can come back,then we would meet in church the next day so we could meet our pastor..He sent the money and i travelled back home....The next day we met our pastor and discussed,my mom and dad where present,we all said what had happened and how we felt,so the conclusion was we should still stay apart till everybody calms down...He has apologized,and i love him but my feelings are mixed,i wouldn't like a situation whereby i would return to the house and all this fight and restless mind would start again....he also said that the things he has been doing was as a result of the marine spirit disturbing him,he insists that he has changed and wants us back home but i decided with the pastor to stay apart because i really want to be convinced that he has changed before going back....please i need your advice..
NOTE:4yrs now we've always fought like this,am confused,he loves me and i love him too but bis behaviour is something else.

Smoking, internet fraud, sleeping with prostitutes etc. are very heavy behaviors to suddenly pick up at once.

These things require a shift in values which means his values have shifted.

The question is why?

And an 'apology' doesn't solve the problem.

The question is 'what changed in his value system' and 'what caused that change?' Until you both honestly answer these two questions, there can be no solution.

The next question is why are you both not married since you are still together? Now you have a baby bonding you both?

You also say you have both been quarreling constantly. About what?

I'm sorry o...does your pastor and parents know that you cohabit without being married? Believe me, I'm quite open minded about this but wondered how your pastor and parents find it cool too.


As for your relationship, hmmm....I don't think that guy has respect for you...the reason isn't far fetched too.
May God help us all.

bukatyne:


Smoking, internet fraud, sleeping with prostitutes etc. are very heavy behaviors to suddenly pick up at once.

These things require a shift in values which means his values have shifted.

The question is why?

And an 'apology' doesn't solve the problem.

The question is 'what changed in his value system' and 'what caused that change?' Until you both honestly answer these two questions, there can be no solution.

The next question is why are you both not married since you are still together? Now you have a baby bonding you both?

You also say you have both been quarreling constantly. About what?

1.About us not being married,he always say he needs to gather money first to get my shop,move to another apartment...
2.He accuses me of things,that i don't do and when i explain he always makes the matter worst then gets out of hand.
3.He always make a big deal out of every little thing.
4.He's so hot tempered.


I love him but i want him to be a changed person.I do fast and pray for him...I rreally love him but i can't keep taking all the things he does....I want to help him change too,but i can't go back home now,that's why i need advices here

sisisioge:
I'm sorry o...does your pastor and parents know that you cohabit without being married? Believe me, I'm quite open minded about this but wondered how your pastor and parents find it cool too.


As for your relationship, hmmm....I don't think that guy has respect for you...the reason isn't far fetched too.
May God help us all.

bukatyne:


Smoking, internet fraud, sleeping with prostitutes etc. are very heavy behaviors to suddenly pick up at once.

These things require a shift in values which means his values have shifted.

The question is why?

And an 'apology' doesn't solve the problem.

The question is 'what changed in his value system' and 'what caused that change?' Until you both honestly answer these two questions, there can be no solution.

The next question is why are you both not married since you are still together? Now you have a baby bonding you both?

You also say you have both been quarreling constantly. About what?

Wise responses.

Value system and mentality is what really defines us as humans.

I was also surprised the pastor didn't raise the issue of them cohabiting.

sisisioge:
I'm sorry o...does your pastor and parents know that you cohabit without being married? Believe me, I'm quite open minded about this but wondered how your pastor and parents find it cool too.


As for your relationship, hmmm....I don't think that guy has respect for you...the reason isn't far fetched too.
May God help us all.

They don't find it cool,i went against all of then and they left me to do what i want.Now am back and they've all accepted me back that's why i was told to remain apart till further notice.

Jessie21:
1.About us not being married,he always say he needs to gather money first to get my shop,move to another apartment...
2.He accuses me of things,that i don't do and when i explain he always makes the matter worst then gets out of hand.
3.He always make a big deal out of every little thing.
4.He's so hot tempered.


I love him but i want him to be a changed person.I do fast and pray for him...I rreally love him but i can't keep taking all the things he does....I want to help him change too,but i can't go back home now,that's why i need advices here

So you love him more than you love yourself?

Or do you not think that you deserve better?

Jessie21:
They don't find it cool,i went against all of then and they left me to do what i want.Now am back and they've all accepted me back that's why i was told to remain apart till further notice.

That resolves the matter then...please listen to them. Let him do the needful, this time around with a lot of credibility.

Jessie21:
They don't find it cool,i went against all of then and they left me to do what i want.Now am back and they've all accepted me back that's why i was told to remain apart till further notice.

Hmmm, if you didn't listen to your parents and Pastor about a man, why should we bother? Will you listen to is?? We are strangers now.

And these things you said he just started are impossible to start at once. Most likely he has been doing them before and you, in your loved up, no-intuition, unwilling-to-listen phase decided to ignore it.
Now you have a child.

In my opinion, except in the case of a miracle, there is no good ending in sight. His psyche is warped already. He's greedy, lazy and amoral. Decide if you want to continue down this part and become a prayer warrior wife.

piroux:


Hmmm, if you didn't listen to your parents and Pastor about a man, why should we bother? Will you listen to is?? We are strangers now.

And these things you said he just started are impossible to start at once. Most likely he has been doing them before and you, in your loved up, no-intuition, unwilling-to-listen phase decided to ignore it.
Now you have a child.

In my opinion, except in the case of a miracle, there is no good ending in sight. His psyche is warped already. He's greedy, lazy and amoral. Decide if you want to continue down this part and become a prayer warrior wife.

I need a change that's why i need advice also i strongly decided not to go back too...I'm ready to listen to what will help my future even though i love him this Much.

sisisioge:


That resolves the matter then...please listen to them. Let him do the needful, this around with a lot of credibility.

okay

UjuJoan2:


So you love him more than you love yourself?

Or do you not think that you deserve better?

I want the best for myself....I just feel there is still a chance for change.

Well most people above said it all, but there is no how such bad traits wouldn't have sufficed during your courting days even if it's a little bit, anyway stay away from him at least till he gets a job, that will convince you a little that he's heading back to normal, all the best.

I love him....
I love him....
I love him....
Op,how old are you?

You seem not to have your priorities right.Love is not enough.You need to have a structure,plans and a discipline towards achieving goals.You seem to lack all these.
What do you really want for your life?The man you are with does not have a will to make things right.He's getting free p**** without responsibility anyway.
You trying to help him change is going to wear you out.He's the only one that can change himself.
Do you work?Do you have a career you are building?

Yahoo yahoo, smoking, sleeping wt prostitutes, hitting u, blaming u,.... Too many dangerous things here. Can he give all these up for u?

U've a kid looking up to u. Can u raise ur kid wt a man like this?

Jessie21:
I want the best for myself....I just feel there is still a chance for change.

A man dt blames n hits u for his actions, blames the devil for his actions,.... won't change. Before he cn change, he has to accept responsibilities for his actions, see his faults rather than blaming everyone else buh himself.

He blamed a marine spirit for his actions?










Nigga ain't ready to change.

Him merely apologizing isn't sufficient.

Have him prove to you that
-he's going to be accountable for his actions
-he's going to ditch those horrible behaviors
-he's going to get a job

Zielle:
Yahoo yahoo, smoking, sleeping wt prostitutes, hitting u, blaming u,.... Too many dangerous things here. Can he give all these up for u?

U've a kid looking up to u. Can u raise ur kid wt a man like this?

A man dt blames n hits u for his actions, blames the devil for his actions,.... won't change. Before he cn change, he has to accept responsibilities for his actions, see his faults rather than blaming everyone else buh himself.

he said he has changed and he has realised his mistakes too.

thorpido:
I love him....
I love him....
I love him....
Op,how old are you?

You seem not to have your priorities right.Love is not enough.You need to have a structure,plans and a discipline towards achieving goals.You seem to lack all these.
What do you really want for your life?The man you are with does not have a will to make things right.He's getting free p**** without responsibility anyway.
You trying to help him change is going to wear you out.He's the only one that can change himself.
Do you work?Do you have a career you are building?

what advice do you give.

Fountainofyouth:
Well most people above said it all, but there is no how such bad traits wouldn't have sufficed during your courting days even if it's a little bit, anyway stay away from him at least till he gets a job, that will convince you a little that he's heading back to normal, all the best.

Thank you

Donald3d:
Understand that anyone who really loves you would not want to hurt you.
People make mistakes, but any mistake that is repeated over a long period of time is no longer a mistake.
I am not sure if I have ever said this on this forum, because I don't like seeing people get pulled apart, but in this case, please MOVE ON !!
Why ?
1.He does not love you enough, a man who really loves you no matter the circumstances would not want to wait a long time to "seal" his relationship with you, especially one that has produced a child. 4 years is a long time, a child in the picture makes it look longer.

2. A man who really loves you would never hit you, especially after cheating on you.He was not even remorseful.

3. A man who can't be intelligent enough to earn a legitimate income is not fit to be a husband or father, what examples is he going to pass on to your kid(s).

4. Again, a man who loves you won't raise his hands on you, he would respect your feelings, he obviously does not respect your feelings. And him blaming it on marine spirits is complete hogwash. If indeed he has marine spirits tormenting him, its because he sleeps with prostitutes.You are in danger of being infected with spiritual and physical diseases and evil spirits.

5. A man who loves you won't wait for 3 days to apologize for a "mistake". Again, he has no respect for you or your feelings.His ego is very large, he doesn't care if he hurts you just to stroke it.


On a second thought, if you still love him as you claim, and he still "loves" you as you claim and you want to still give it a chance to work, you have to give him conditions.

1. He has to get a legitimate job.
2. He has to stop keeping his current circle of friends, because most Yahoo guys are always recruited and trained by friends, they hardly start it on their own.
3. He has to stop smoking.
4. He has to start treating you like a Queen, and promise you would also treat him like a King.
5. He has to promise never, ever to raise his hands on you.
6. He has to stop abusing you physically and emotionally.
7. Tell him to tell you straight forward what his plans are for you, if he wants to marry you, when is it coming up !. If he sets a date that's less than 6 months, tell him its too short(because its a trap to tie you down and change again later). It has to be six months and above, but it should not be more than 8-10 months. In that time monitor him and see signs of improvements , if there is none, MOVE ON !!
8.Tell him that communication between each other has to improve, you should both be an open book, tell each other everything and anything....trust me you can't go wrong by doing this.

Above all, no matter how much you claim to love someone, you have to first love yourself and understand your worth, if the person/partner does not give you, or respect you up to 70% of what you are worth, then they don't deserve you.
This isn't about being proud or being too picky, you deserve the best.Nobody can get 100% in a partner, but at least 70% should be given and it should not contain vices like cheating, violence and Yahoo Yahoo.

I wish you all the best.

Thanks alot

Jessie21:
I had to put this here cause i need matured answers too.....I've been dating my man for 4yrs now,i also have a child for him out of wedlock...Lately he has been doing things he never did like smoking,Yahoo Yahoo,sleeping in an hotel ,really bad stuffs that he clearly knows i don't like....The time i caught him red handed with a prostitute,he Didn't apologize,he had to hit me and blame me for all of his actions...I couldn't take it anymore so i left the house to somewhere far,after 3days,He called to apologize about all he did also he said he has realised his mistakes and he needs me to come home with our baby to him...I stayed where i was until the 5th day which was saturday,i told him to send some money to me so i can come back,then we would meet in church the next day so we could meet our pastor..He sent the money and i travelled back home....The next day we met our pastor and discussed,my mom and dad where present,we all said what had happened and how we felt,so the conclusion was we should still stay apart till everybody calms down...He has apologized,and i love him but my feelings are mixed,i wouldn't like a situation whereby i would return to the house and all this fight and restless mind would start again....he also said that the things he has been doing was as a result of the marine spirit disturbing him,he insists that he has changed and wants us back home but i decided with the pastor to stay apart because i really want to be convinced that he has changed before going back....please i need your advice..
NOTE:4yrs now we've always fought like this,am confused,he loves me and i love him too but bis behaviour is something else.

WE ARE STILL APART, I NEED ADVICE ON HOW TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT BEFORE I FINALLY GO BACK.

Jessie21:
They don't find it cool,i went against all of then and they left me to do what i want.Now am back and they've all accepted me back that's why i was told to remain apart till further notice.

Borrow yourself Sense and stay apart for your good.I'm more concerned abt ur son who is growing up in Such rancour and division.Do You know it might shape the way he will Treat his woman in future?

The day he will blow ur life out then we can talk.He hasnt even married You and is disturbing like this,the day he will pay bride price yawa Go gas!

Jessie21:
WE ARE STILL APART, I NEED ADVICE ON HOW TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT BEFORE I FINALLY GO BACK.

You sound desperate and is not healthy. You're not the one that should work things out but him. You both are not even married and you're desperate to go back. Is he desperate to have you back too, have you asked yourself the question? If he's, he should start by doing the needful.
But how can you be cohabiting with a man for four years, not right tho. Operation see finish

I'm just so very sorry for this OP.

What a pathetic life... and she can't be corrected just yet.

Jessie21:
what advice do you give.

You should stay apart for a good amount of time.
Stay where you are or go back to your parents You need to give him time to sort himself out(if he will).
Most importantly,get a grip on yourself.What are your plans careerwise for yourself?You need to be more occupied with your business now.
Think more about who to do to bring more income to fend for your son and yourself.
To be honest with you,I don't see your husband changing soon.Think more about moving on.

Jessie21:
WE ARE STILL APART, I NEED ADVICE ON HOW TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT BEFORE I FINALLY GO BACK.

Go back where? To your boyfriend's house?
Chai!
My sis, what are you doing for a living?
If you have a job, why not get busy, take good care of your child and be happy.
Forget that boy please
It's obvious he is not ready, he is enjoying his life and he doesn't want disturbance. You said he loves you, what kind of love is that?
You can't change him or are you holy spirit?
See red light in front of you.
My candid advice

Jessie21:
They don't find it cool,i went agains ;Dt all of then and they left me to do what i want.Now am back and they've all accepted me back that's why i was told to remain apart till further notice.

in Jay z voice"u couldn't forsee"


Problem now is u still can't forsee

So your parents and pastor are all okay with the fact you living with a man you not married to?

Well, if it's spiritual then take him to Mountain of Fire for delivery. Be prayerful for our God is merciful

I always love the fact that anyone that comes to equity must come with a clean hand and a new underwear just incase of public exposure...

Many has given u a very good advice but I'm just curious

What was your man doing within the space of 4yrs that u knew him before he joined the yahoo bandwagon..I just want you to convince me that he started that yahoo stuff recently.. and u knew nothing about his line of business until recently...

What do u do for a living? Just thinking aloud that if u were not in support of what he does, u won't ask for a transport fare from his ill gotten wealth... considering that you are also religious lady that has a standby spiritual director..
If u don't have a job, then..Start looking for one.. some ladies that were taken for granted in their relationships got nothing doing.. u owe yourself that at least..