Subject: 1. Teacher & Little Johnny.
Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.
Little Johnny: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: Little Johnny!



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Subject: 2. Teacher & Little Johnny.
Teacher: Are you chewing gum?
Little Johnny: No, I'm Little Johnny.



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Subject: 3. Teacher & Little Johnny.
Teacher: How can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
Little Johnny: I get up early.



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Subject: 4. Teacher & Little Johnny.
Teacher; Didn't you promise to behave?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir.
Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.



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Subject: 5. Teacher & Little Johnny.
Little Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Little Johnny: Good, because I didn't do my homework.



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Subject: 6. Teacher & Little Johnny.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Little Johnny: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Little Johnny: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow. "That's what I did.



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Subject: 7. Teacher & Little Johnny.
Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
Little Johnny: I hope you didn't either.



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Subject: 8. Teacher & Little Johnny.
Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
Father: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.



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Subject: 9. Teacher & Little Johnny.
Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Little Johnny: I is,
Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say "I am."
Little Johnny: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."




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Subject: 10. Little Johnny.
The math teacher noticed that Little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class, so she called on him and said, "Johnny, what are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and The Cartoon Network!"



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Subject: 11. Little Johnny.
Little Johnny's 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.
"Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?"
Johnny says, "Yeah!"



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Subject: 12. Little Johnny's Cookie.
Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around cookies for snack time.
"Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie."
"I don't %@*!$want one," declared Johnny.
The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day.
When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came around.
As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him, "Here Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie."
"I don't %@*!$ want one," stated Little Johnny again.
The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, "See? Did you hear what he said?"
"So?" said his mother, "Don't %@*!$ give him one !"



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Subject: 13. Math Problem.
Little Johnny was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything, tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short everything that they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Johnny down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, little Johnny comes home with a very serious look on his face.
He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books and paper are spread out all over the room & Little Johnny is hard at work.
His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner & to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for some time, day after day while the Mother tries to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, Little Johnny brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table & goes up to his room and hits the books.
With great trepidation, his mom looks at it & to her surprise, Little Johnny got an A in Math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room & says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" little Johnny looks at her and shakes his head no.
"Well then," She asks "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it??"
Little Johnny looks at her and say "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."



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Subject: 14. F In Arithmetic.
Little Johnny returned from school and told his father that he'd gotten an "F" in arithmetic.
"Why?" asked the father.
"The teacher asked me 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said '6,'" replied Johnny.
"But that's right!" exclaimed his father.
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'" explained Johnny.
"What the %@*!$'s the difference?" asked his father.
"That's what I said!!" replied Johnny.



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Subject: 15. Spelling Bee.
A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.'
He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."
The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"
Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R." Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong."
The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"
Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E." "Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"
Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."



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Subject: 16. South Texas.
There's this school down in South Texas where there are very few white kids, mostly all Mexican. The teacher was asking for the kids to identify famous quotes. She asked, "Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country'?"
Little Johnny raises his hand, but she calls on Maria, who answers, "John F Kennedy."
Then, she asks "Who said, 'I have a dream, '?"
Little Johnny raises his hands, both of them, and waves them around, but she calls on Juan, who says, "Martin Luther King."
This continues with quotes from Winston Churchill and other notable historians. Finally, the bell rings, and in the confusion and noise of the kids leaving the classroom, a voice from the back of the room yells, "To hell with all those Mexicans."
The teacher hollers out, "Who said that!"
Little Johnny puts up his hand and replies, "Davy Crockett, at the Alamo."



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Subject: 17. I Can Do It Better.
Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by letting loud farts, so his teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, he said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody and I'm very proud of that fact."
"If I show you that I can do it better, will you stop?"
He agreed, so the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Little Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.
Then, the teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted. But, when she was done, there wasn't a trace of chalk dust left on the paper. Little Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again.
She was willing, and as she repeated the process, Little Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt, and remarked, "No wonder you won you have a Double- Barrel!"



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Subject: 18. Singular Vs. Plural.
A third grade school teacher was trying to explain to her class the difference between singular and plural. She said, ''What do you call it if one woman looks out a window?''
Charlotte said, ''Singular.''
''That's right Charlotte," said the teacher. "Now, what do you call it if three women are looking out of a window?''
Little Johnny raised his hand and blurted out, "A whorehouse."



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Subject: 19. Little Johnny And Sleeping Suzie.
Little Suzie was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping "Tell me, Suzie, who created the universe?" When Suzie didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Suzie and the teacher said, "Very good" and Suzie fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Suzie, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" Once again, Suzie didn't even stir from her slumber, and once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ! "shouted Suzie, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Suzie fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Suzie a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Suzie jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The teacher fainted.



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Subject: 20. The Animal Game.
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand.
The teacher says, "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks "Is it a giraffe?"
"Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"
Billy holds up his hand and says, "It's a zebra."
"Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.
"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"
Still no one guesses.
"Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."
Little Johnny shouts out, "Is it a Hot bastard?"



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Subject: 21. No School Tomorrow.
One evening, Johnny was sitting at the kitchen table doing his homework while his mother watched television.
Upon hearing the evening news, his mother let out a shriek, "Little Johnny! China just launched a nuclear missile toward the United States."
Little Johnny looked up from his book with a confused expression on his face.
"Do you understand what this means?" his mother implored.
Little Johnny quickly replied, "No school tomorrow?"



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Subject: 22. Little Johnny's Fast Dad.
Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the schoolyard. Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.
The first one said: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!"
The second one said: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!"
Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: "Sorry, dudes, but MY DAD is the fastest. He's a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30,, and he's home by 3:45!"



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Subject: 23. Psalm 23.
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible, Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Johnny was excited about the task, but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Johnny was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my shepherd, and that's all I need to know!"



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Subject: 24. Math Class.
Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out.
"If I gave you $200," the teacher began, "and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?"
"An orgy." Johnny replied.



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Subject: 25. Candy Kiss.
It was little Johnny's first day in school and the class Was playing a 'guessing' game. The teacher passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they had received.
When it was little Johnny's turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss. "Do you know what that is?" she asked.
"Nope," replied little Johnny.
The teacher said, "Well, go ahead and open it up, then taste it."
"Now do you know what it is?" asked the teacher.
"Nope," replied little Johnny.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work."
A little girl in the back of the class jumped up and screamed "Spit it out, Johnny! It's a piece of ass!"



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Subject: 26. Answer A Question.
A school teacher told her students that if they could answer a question on Friday afternoon before they left for the weekend, then they wouldn't have to attend classes on Monday.
The teacher asked her class, "Okay, kids, how many grains of sand are on a beach?"
Well, none of the kids had the answer, as suspected. The teacher expresses with a grin, "Have a good weekend everyone, and we'll see you all on Monday morning!"
The following Friday, Little Johnny brought two freshly painted black tennis balls to class. That afternoon, the teacher said, "Okay, kids, it's time for our question, "
Little Johnny quickly threw the two black tennis balls at the teacher. Shocked, she insisted "All right, who's the comedian with the two black balls?"
Little Johnny replied, "Bill Cosby, see you on Tuesday teacher!"



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Subject: 27. Pledge Of Allegiance.
Little Johnny was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him.
He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag, " When his eyes fell on Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.
"Little Johnny, I will not continue till you put your hand over your heart."
Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."
After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"
"Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."



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Subject: 28. Going Fishing.
Little Johnny came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
Little Johnny replied that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.
The teacher was very impressed and asked he if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing,
To which he replied, "Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."



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Subject: 29. Trouble at School.
Eight-year-old Little Mary brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good, mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
"Mary is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Mary's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Mary because I would like to try it out on her mother."



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Subject: 30. Gambling Problem.
Everyday at school Johnny would take all the other third grade kids lunch money by gambling. Johnny's parents and teacher were concerned about the gambling problem. One day Johnny bet the teacher twenty-five dollars that she had a mole on her Butt.
The teacher knew that there was no mole, so she jerked up her dress and pulled down her panties and took the twenty-five dollars, convinced that the loss of a large amount of money would stop the gambling.
The teacher called Johnny's father to tell him the content of the bet and that she had won.
Johnny's father replied in a defeated voice, "Johnny bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he would see your Butt before the day was over."



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Subject: 31. Ice Cream.
Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.
She says, "Put that away Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "Okay, I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"
He says, "I wanna play Mommy and Daddy."
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.
Little Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers' old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"



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Subject: 32. At the Dentist.
Ten year old Little Johnny and his mother were waiting in a dentist's office, talking about treatments for the boy's painful tooth, when the dentist entered the room.
The dentist asked, "Well, Son, which one's the troublemaker?"
Without hesitation, Little Johnny replied, "My brother!"



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Subject: 33. Homework.
One day Little Johnny's teacher told him that his homework was unsatisfactory and he was to do it again. Little Johnny said to the teacher, "That sucks!!!"
Upon hearing this reply, the teacher called Johnny's mother and told her that she was going to have her son do his homework over, and, she was giving him some additional work because Johnny used unacceptable language.
Whereas Little Johnny's mother replied, "Boy, that sucks, what did he say?"



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Subject: 34. Breasts.
Little Johnny's father was concerned about his thirteen year old son's preoccupation with breasts. The boy would repeatedly point to attractive girls and whisper "Hey, Dad, look at the bosoms on that one!"
Johnny's father finally decided to take the boy to a psychiatrist. The doctor assured him that just one day's intensive therapy could cure Johnny. When the session was over, father and son walked several blocks to a bus stop. Little Johnny remained silent as they passed several pretty girls.
As they boarded the bus, the father was inwardly complimenting the psychiatrist. Then Johnny tugged at his sleeve and whispered "Hey, Dad, look at the tight butt on the bus driver!"



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Subject: 35. Did God Make Me?
Little Johnny and his grandfather were sitting talking when he asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, little Johnny asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, little Johnny studied his grandfather, as well as his own reflection in the mirror. At last, little Johnny spoke up, "You know, Grandpa, God is doing a much better job lately."



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Subject: 36. Get Out Of My Class.
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her sixth grade class one day. It was a large assignment, so she started writing high up on the chalk board. Suddenly, there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. The teacher turned quickly and asked, "What's so funny, Patrick?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom!" she yelled. "I don't want to see you in this class for three days!"
The teacher turned back to the chalkboards. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reached to the very top of the chalkboards. Suddenly, there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She turned quickly and asked, "What's so funny, Billy?"
"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yelled, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe. I don't want to see you for in this class for three weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, the teacher dropped the chalkboards eraser when she turned around again. So, she bent over to pick it up. This time, there was an enormous burst of laughter from another male student. The teacher turned quickly, only to find little Johnny leaving the classroom. "And, where do you think you're going, little Johnny?"
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"



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Subject: 37. I Want To Be As Big As You.
Little Johnny walks into the bathroom as his father steps out of the shower.
Looking at his father's private parts he says, "I want one as big as yours."
His father, figuring he'll have some fun, replies, "To make that happen, you have to start rubbing oil on yours and waiting."
Three weeks later the same scene repeats. This time Little Johnny complains, "I've been rubbing oil on mine for three weeks and it isn't any bigger, in fact I think it is a little smaller!"
"What are you using?" asks his secretly amused father.
"Crisco," says Little Johnny.
"Well, that's the problem, son, you're using shortening!"



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Subject: 38. English Lesson.
Little Johnny's class was having an English lesson, and the teacher called on Little Johnny to recite a sentence with a direct object.
Little Johnny stood and thought, then said, "Teacher, everybody thinks you are very beautiful."
"Why thank you, Little Johnny," the teacher said, blushing. "But what is the direct object?"
"A good report card next month," he replied.



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Subject: 39. Make Believe.
Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away, Little Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"
"I wanna play 'Mommie and Daddy,'" Little Johnny replies. Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if you're taking a nap."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.
Little Johnny, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He puts on his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs, he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises her head and asks, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"



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Subject: 40. Mortgage.
Little Johnny's father answered, "Son, we have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle! Wait until Christmas!" When the Christmas season was near, Little Johnny reminded his father about the bicycle he wanted.
Little Johnny's father answered, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry, son. Ask me again some other time."
A couple of days later, Little Johnny was walking out of the house with all of his belongings in a suitcase, so his father asked him why he was leaving. Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were 'pulling out.'
Then, Mommy said 'you should wait because she was coming too, ' And I'll be damned if I'm gonna get stuck with your $80,000 mortgage!"



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Subject: 41. Sex Education.
Little Johnny had never had sex in his life, so his buddy Billy told him that he'd take him to a girl that would teach him a few things. He agrees.
Later, Little Johnny's in a room with the girl. She takes off her clothes, and asks him, "Do you know what I want?"
Little Johnny says, quite honestly, "No."
She lies down on the bed, and asks him the same question again, "Now do you know what I want?"
Again he answers, "No."
She spreads her legs spread-eagled across the bed and asks him the same question again, "Now do you know what I want?"
Little Johnny answers, "Yeah. You want the whole bed to yourself."



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Subject: 42. Telling the Truth.
Little Johnny walked up to his father and asked, "Dad, does a lawyer ever tell the truth?"
His father thought for a moment. "Yes, Little Johnny," he replied. "Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case."



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Subject: 43. The Vase.
On day Little Johnny said to his mother "Mom, remember that vase you always worried I'd break?"
"Yes. What about it?" she asked.
Little Johnny replied "Your worries are over!"



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Subject: 44. Traveling Salesman.
One day a door to door salesman knocked on a door. Little Johnny answered the door and the salesman asked if his mother was home.
Little Johnny said "No, she is at the LovePeddler house."
The bright salesman asked if she was a prostitute, and the little boy replied, "No, she is a substitute. She only works Wednesdays and Fridays during the rush."
The salesman said, "Well I'll be a son-of-a-bitch."
The little boy said, "Well, I'm one too, but I don't go around knocking on doors telling folks."



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Subject: 45. Trouble With English.
Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher, Miss Figpot, decided to stop by Little Johnny's house on her way home. She wanted to discuss Johnny's poor performance directly with his parents.
When she rang the door bell, Little Johnny answered.
"Hello Johnny, I'd like to talk to your mother or father," she said.
"Sorry, but they ain't here." He replied.
"Johnny!" She said, "what is it with your grammar?"
"Beats me," Johnny replied, "but dad sure was mad that they had to go bail her out again!"



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Subject: 46. Verbal Battle.
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world.
"My Father is better than your Father!" Billy declared.
"No, he's not!" Johnny responded.
"My brother is better than you brother!" Billy said.
"He is not! He is not!" Yelled Little Johnny.
"My Mother is better than your Mother!" Billy continued.
A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, "Well, I guess ya got me there. I've heard my Father say the same thing more than once."



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Subject: 47. Acting Debut.
Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice:
"Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare."
Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said:
"Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit, Horseshit, Oh, shit! I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!"



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Subject: 48. Daddy's Trick.
Little Johnny greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked.
Little Johnny replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the damn walls if you came to visit us again."



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Subject: 49. Show And Tell.
Miss Figpot asked her students to bring one electrical appliance for "Show And Tell" and the next day.
Miss Figpot asked Wendy "What did you bring?"
"I brought a Walkman," answered Wendy.
"And what is it for?" the teacher asked.
"You can listen to music with it!" replied Wendy.
"That's nice Wendy, and what did you bring Kenny?" asked the teacher.
"I brought an electrical can opener, it opens cans!" Said Kenny.
"Well done, Kenny. I see Johnny, that you didn't bring anything."
Little Johnny answered, "yes, I did. It's in the hall." With that the whole class moved out into the hall.
"What is that?" Miss Figpot asked.
Little Johnny replied, "it's a heart/lung machine they use it in hospitals to keep your heart going!"
The teacher asked, "And what did your father say when you took it?"
Little Johnny replied "AAAAAAHHHHHHHGGGGGGGG!!!"



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Subject: 50. Biology Lesson.
Little Suzy raised her hand during a biology lesson and asked if her grandmother could have a baby. The teacher was a bit surprised at the question but answered that the grandmother was too old to have babies.
"So what about my mother?" asked Little Suzy. The teacher said that it was possible, but that her mother was probably getting too old to be having babies as well.
"Well, then could I have a baby?" she wanted to know.
"Goodness no!" said the teacher, "you are much too young."
"See!" yelled Little Johnny from the back of the classroom, "I told you YOU didn't have anything to worry about!"



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Subject: 51. Giveaway.
Miss Figpot was teaching her class mathematics. She said "Johnny, if your father earned $100.00 and gave half of it to your mother, what would she have?"
Little Johnny answered "a heart attack!"



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Subject: 52. Homework.
"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"
Little Johnny's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."
"That's okay," replied Little Johnny "At least you could try, right?"



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Subject: 53. Bill's Legacy.
A little, Johnny, and a little girl, Suzie, were sitting on the porch talking, when the little girl asked, "Hey Johnny, do you wanna get undressed? We could play Doctor."
Johnny replied, "That's too old fashioned, Spit out your gum? Let's play President!"



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Subject: 54. Sexual Education.
A math teacher gets called to the principal's office one day and the principal says to him, "We need a new Sex-Ed teacher and you are it."
The Math teacher exclaims, "But I have never taught Sex-Ed before what am I going do?"
The principal replies, "Well, you have until Monday to think of something, because that is when the class starts."
The math teacher decides that he is going to use flash cards to teach the Sex-Ed class, because they have worked extremely well in teaching his math class.
On Monday morning, the teacher is feeling very confidant. He walks into the room, and begins to teach the class.
He holds up the first flash card and asks, "Can anybody tell me what this is?"
Little Suzy stands up and replies, "That's a breast and my mommy has two."
The math teacher says, "That's right Suzy! It is a breast, and your mommy does have two."
The math teacher grabs the next flash card and asks, "Can anybody tell me what this is?
Little Johnny raises his hand and replies, "I know. That is a penis, and my daddy has two."
The math teacher says, "That's right Johnny it is a penis, but your daddy only has one."
Little Johnny stands up and says, "Nope my daddy has two! He has a small one that he uses to pee, and a big one that he uses on mommy."



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Subject: 55. Questions About God.
Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."
This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this Little Johnny's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"



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Subject: 56. Toilet Training.
Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim.
Just then the toilet seat slams down, and Johnny lets out a scream. His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his genitals and howling.
He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, "K k k kiss (sniff) it better."
Little Johnny's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's shit with me!"



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Subject: 57. The Gift.
Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon to school as a gift for his teacher.
When he handed it to her, the teacher started guessing what was inside. "Chocolates?" she asked.
"Nope."
"A cake?"
Again, little Johnny shook his head, "Nope."
Then, the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the box. So, she caught a few drops on her finger, then tasted it and remarked, "Dill pickles?"
"Nope," replied little Johnny, "it's a puppy."



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Subject: 58. Young Love.
Little Johnny had a next door neighbor, Little Susie.
They had been telling everyone that they were going to get married. One day Susie's Dad was mowing his yard and saw Little Johnny playing next door.
He called the boy over to the fence, and said, "Johnny, I hear that you're going to marry my daughter." Johnny said, "Yes, Sir. We're gonna get married." Susie's father asked, "How do you intend to support yourselves?"
Johnny answered, "We have it all figured out. I make 75 cents a week, and she makes 50 cents a week. We can cover it."
Susie's father continued with the questioning and asked, "But what about kids?"
Johnny responded, "Oh, we've been lucky so far."



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Subject: 59. Good Time.
Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out.
"If you had $200," the teacher began, "and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?"
"One helluva good time," Johnny grinned, "and with $50 to spare!"



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Subject: 60. I Got A 100.
Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy. "Come in the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math, and 20 in science."



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Subject: 61. Marriage.
Little Johnny was reading from a Hans Christian Anderson book.
"Miss Figpot?" Little Johnny asked, "Does m-i-r-a-g-e spell marriage?"
"No Johnny," sighed the teacher. "But it should."



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Subject: 62. The Necklace.
"Wow mom, what a beautiful necklace you are wearing!" Little Johnny commented. "It looks great! Did daddy buy it for you?"
His mom snapped, "if I waited for your dad to ever give me anything I wouldn't even have you!"



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Subject: 63. We Want To Get Married.
Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, decided to get married. So, Little Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage.
"Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this was cute.
"Well," said Little Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us."
"And how will you live?"
"I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance. That should be enough."
Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?"
"Well," said Little Johnny, "we've been lucky so far."



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Subject: 64. Geography Lesson.
"Why do you look so glum today?" the teacher asked young Johnny.
"I didn't have no breakfast," Johnny mumbled.
"You poor dear," said the teacher.
"Now, to return to our geography lesson, Johnny, where is the French border?"
"In bed with my mom. That's why I didn't have no breakfast."



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Subject: 65. Sex Education.
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."
"Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.
"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
Finally, Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation the teacher calls on him.
"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to screw with the Lone Ranger."



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Subject: 66. Do You Have An Owie?
A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. Little Johnny stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"
He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.
Little Johnny pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?"
The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to Little Johnny, to show him. On the back of the tab were raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.
Little Johnny felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"
"Yes I do," said Little Johnny, who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"



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Subject: 67. Three Times A Day.
Mom walked into the bathroom one day and found Little Johnny furiously scrubbing his penis with a toothbrush and toothpaste.
"What the heck do you think you're doing, young man!" she exclaimed.
"Don't try to stop me!" Little Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's."



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Subject: 68. Sunday School Lesson.
Little Johnny was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
"Well, mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and saved the Israelites."
"Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it."



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Subject: 69. The Moral Of The Story.
One day, at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher instructs the class to go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.
The following day, the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm, and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story, and little Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next, little Lucy speaks, "Well, my dad owns a farm too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in an incubator. Last weekend, only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story, and little Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
Last but not least, little Johnny speaks, "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 of them with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then, the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands."
The teacher looks at little Johnny with shock, and asks if there could possibly be any moral to his story. Little Johnny replies, "Don't mess with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."



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Subject: 70. The Newborn.
Little Johnny 's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.
When they arrived home from the hospital, they invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby, so his dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors.
He said, "Now son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.
At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said "Oh What a beautiful little baby."
The mother said, "Thank you very much, Johnny."
He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say that he can see good?"
The Mother said, "Why yes, his doctor said he has excellent vision."
Little Johnny said "Well, its a darn good thing cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!!!"



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Subject: 71. Ugly Aunt.
Little Johnny said to his Aunt Edna, "my God, you're ugly, aren't you!" His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen.
"You naughty boy!" she screamed, "how can you say to your aunt that she's ugly! You go right in and apologize to her! Tell her you're sorry!"
Little Johnny entered the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, "Aunt Edna, I am sorry you're so ugly."



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Subject: 72. Old Wives Tale.
Little Johnny was a young boy, just potty trained. When he went to the bathroom though, he hit everything but the toilet. So mom had to go in and clean up after him.After two weeks, she has had enough, and took Lil' Johnny to the doctor.
After the examination, the Dr, said, "Well, his unit is too small. An old wives tale was to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."
Next morning Johnny jumped out of bed and ran down to the kitchen. On the table are 12 slices of toast.
"MOM," Johnny yelled, "the Doc said I only had to eat 2 slices!"
"I know," smiled his mom, "The other 10 are for your father."



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Subject: 73. A Real Math Problem.
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes:
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.
With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, "A lawyer!"



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Subject: 74. Johnny.
A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked young Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."
"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"
"He went blue and collapsed."



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Subject: 75. Visit to the Doctor.
A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope you don't mind Johnny being in there."
"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."



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Subject: 76. Lil Johnny.
Little Johnny refused to eat.
So his mother, in desperation, took him to the psychiatrist, who tried many methods, to no avail. The psychiatrist asked, "What would you like to eat?"
"Worms" Little Johnny said.
The psychiatrist was gleeful as he sent his nurse for cupful.
Placing them on a plate, he said, "Here they are."
"I want them fried" was the response.
The nurse took them and had them fried.
When presented with them, Little Johnny replied that he only desired one.
The psychiatrist took one and in a strong voice said, "Here is only one. Now eat it."
"I only want half and you eat the other" was the reply.
The psychiatrist swallowed one half and gave the other to Little Johnny.
Just then Little Johnny began to cry.
The doctor asked what was wrong.
Little Johnny said, "You ate my half!"



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Subject: 77. Nice Doctor!
Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little Johnny's mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it.
As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food-drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny's mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read, "Do not take with broccoli."



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Subject: 78. Prayers.
The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"
"No maam," he replied,
"We don't have to. My mom is a good cook!"



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Subject: 79. Jogging.
George Bush is out jogging one morning, notices Little Johnny on the corner with a box. Curious he runs over to Little Johnny and says, "What's in the box kid?"
Little Johnny says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."
George Bush laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"
"Republicans," says Little Johnny.
"Oh that's cute," he says and he goes on his way.
A couple of days later George Bush is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spies Little Johnny with his box just ahead.
George Bush says to Dick, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to Little Johnny.
George Bush says, "Look in the box Dick, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are."
Little Johnny replies, "They're Democrats."
"Whoa!" George Bush says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What's up?"
"Well," Little Johnny explains, "Their eyes are open now."



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Subject: 80. Let's Take Turns.
Little Johnny and Suzy have almost nothing to do one day while in the house playing. All of a sudden, Johnny gets this great idea. "Let's take turns sliding down the banister rail!" he suggests.
"Oh no," answers Suzy, "That's way too scary."
"No, it's not," says Johnny, "it'll be fun!"
And he proceeds to the top of the stairs. The banister rail is long and very smooth with a beautiful big marble ball at its base. Johnny climbs on and down he goes, squealing with excitement as he goes. He jumps off just before he gets to the marble ball at the bottom. "That was great," he says. "Come on, you try now."
Suzy still isn't quite sure that this is such a good idea. "No," she says, "It looks too scary."
"No, it's not," said Johnny, and away he goes again to the top of the stairs.
He climbs on and down he goes again, having just as much fun as he did the first time. He jumps off just before the marble ball at the bottom. "You gotta try this, it's the best!" urges Johnny.
Well, little Suzy isn't one to stay scared for very long and this really does look like fun, so she agrees. To the top of the stairs she goes. She straddles the banister rail, and slowly lets go with her hands. Down she goes, a lot faster than she expected. WHAM! Right into the marble ball at the bottom. Little Suzy starts to cry and almost falls off the banister rail.
When Johnny sees her so upset, crying ever harder and holding her groin where she collided with the marble ball, he gets a little scared that maybe she has really hurt herself.
"Maybe you'd better let me see," suggests Little Johnny.
So Suzy lifts her little dress and pulls down her panties. Little Johnny's face goes pale white.
"OH, NO!" he shouts. "THIS IS HORRIBLE! YOU KNOCKED IT RIGHT OFF!!"



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Subject: 81. A Quarter.
"If you had a quarter," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One quarter." answered little Johnny
"You don't know your arithmetic." said the teacher shaking her head.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my father."



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Subject: 82. Children of Israel.

At the Sunday School, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson.
It was now time for the usual question period.
"Teacher," announced little Johnny, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked the teacher.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed the teacher. "So what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Johnny. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin?"



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Subject: 83. A Band-Aid.
Little Johnny went to the Doctor to get a vaccination. After the shot, the Doc pulled out a Band-Aid and started to cover the spot on his arm. Johnny asked him to put it on the other arm.
"But, I put it over where you got the shot to let others know that it's tender and they shouldn't touch it," replied the Doc.
Answered Johnny, " You really don't know much about little boys, do you?"



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Subject: 84. Prayer.
Little Johnny and his family were having dinner at his Grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Johnny received his plate he started eating right away.
"Johnny, wait until we say our prayer."
"I don't have to." The boy replied.
"Of course, you do," his mother insisted.
"We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!"



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Subject: 85. What Would I Be?
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"



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Subject: 86. Plant Lesson.
Miss Hoppingworth was teching her third grade class about plants. She started the lesson by telling the class about plants that have the word "dog" in front of them: dogrose, dogwood, dogviolet. She asked the class if they could name another flower with the prefix "dog."
Little Johnny jumped up and "Sure, Miss Hoppingworth, a 'collie' flower!"



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Subject: 87. Graduation Day.
It's graduation day at the elementary school in Los Angeles, and everybody's waiting to get their diplomas. Everybody but Little Johnny. At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts "Let Johnny graduate, let Johnny graduate!"
The principal agrees to give Johnny one last chance. "If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, Johnny, how many apples do I have?" he asked.
Johnny thought long and hard and then said "Ten."
Hearing the answer the entire senior class stood up and shouted "Give Johnny another chance, give Johnny another chance!"



,

Little Johnny was getting ready for his bath one night, when he asked his mom if he could take a shower like the grown-ups do.
“Alright,” his mom said, “but I’ve got to take it with you, cause you’re too little.”
In the shower, Little Johnny pointed to his mother’s chest and said,”What are those, mommy?”
“These are my headlights, Johnny.”
“Then what is that?” he said pointing down there.
“That’s the grass,” said his mother.
Johnny thought nothing of it. The next day, it was his father’s turn to give Johnny his bath. Again, Johnny asked for a shower, and this time, his father had to take it with him.
“What’s that?” Johnny asked, pointing to his father’s crotch.
“That’s a snake,” said his father.
Johnny thought nothing of it.

A couple of days passed, and one night, Johnny had a nightmare. He asked if he could sleep with his parents, and they agreed.
Johnny woke up again later, and started screaming, “MOM! Turn your headlights on! There’s a snake in the grass!”