Hi all. Please I need objective advice on whether I am overreacting to the situation in my house.

My significant other brought in his friend from another state who is having trouble finding a job and establishing himself. So my husband invited him over to live with us so that he can teach him the work he (hubby) does because hubby is self employed. We live in a room and parlor self contain house me, hubby an two children because he is kind of managing finances for now, his business fetches like 100k a month.

This his friend is 35 years old and was his best friend in university I guess that's why he wanted to help him start a business. Now the thing is that hubby has always had this habit of talking me down in public and shouting at me over little things because he likes to come across as authoritative and no nonsense leader of his house in front of outsiders so unfortunately his way of showing it is by talking down on me. I have complained of his way of talking, telling him to talk to me kindly and stop shouting at me like his housegirl but he said that's just his way of talking so I should accept it. He didn't change. The truth is that he acts differently when we are alone, he is more soft spoken and tolerant but when relatives are around he just starts acting like a tyrant and being rude when addressing me.

Before his friend came I already knew that he would display this same rudeness to me in front of his friend so I objected to his friend living with us but he went ahead and brought the guy anyways.

True to my expectations his character and treatment of me changed for the worse after the guy started living with. He shouts over slight provocations and says mean things constantly just to impress the guy because his behaviour when we are alone is always better. I started withdrawing from both of them and just staying on my own whenever I returned from work because I really really hate insults and embarrassment and I don't want to shout at him back in front of that guy. I don't believe in exposing flaws in your marriage to outsiders and I am still hoping he will change one day so I am trying to be patient.

It's like that one made things worse because he now gossips me to his friend, I overhear them talking in the sitting room from the room where I stay to avoid his bullying. There are times he would call me rudely to the parlor and demand that I should serve his friend food immediately, I told the friend to serve himself food whenever he gets hungry but the guy has no respect for me now, maybe because of how hubby treats me and the friend said he doesn't want to serve the food himself, I should do it instead. He has said this on two different occasions.

I spoke to hubby about this particular food issue but he didn't change. He did it again after I complained, this next time he demanded that I should hurry and cook his friends food because they are going out.

I am tired of the rudeness and bad treatment, it's like he becomes someone else when people are around, he wasn't like this before we got married, he used to protect me from mean in laws but now he is quick to gossip me to outsiders and act like a tyrant if they are around. The major problem I am having is the issue of his friend and how they seem to be ganging up on me. I no longer feel like his wife it's like they are married to each other. I don't even know if I still love him. I feel so much resentment and am getting gradually disinterested in the marriage.



Sorry for the long story but what do you guys think I should do about this thing? I have talked to him but he didn't change. I can't report him to his elderly family members because last time I did that he picked offence and started spreading negative gossip about me to them.

How can I handle this issue


His rudeness in public and his disrespectful friend that seems to be enjoying what he is doing.

Mods no front page please and please, for privacy reasons

Op. This is bad. This is His true nature. He has two phase. Doing all this to please people is just on all level wrong. I believe in spouse protecting each other. Esp husbands are meant to protect wives. This is one major factor that can shatter a marriage. Lack of trust, bad mouthing, unapologetic and open embarrassment. Still talk to him about it. But if he don't stop, when ever he start embarrassing u or gossiping about u, bluntly tell him that he should stop it. In front of whoever he is doing it. And make sure u are firm and stand ur ground. Do not ignore him. Face them squarely and tell them how he behave when u guys are alone and how he also behave when they are around. Make him feel embarrassed too. When ever he make people disrespect u, u too should disrespect him in dia presence too. Tell his friend to serve himself too. But if he respect u ,do same.

Your husband isn't a mad man. You only stated what you think we should judge him based on and not on what may have actually caused his disrespect towards you. From your narrative, you exonerated yourself from any fault. It's not hard to tell. I personally hate being disrespected by my man in private, not to talk of in public, but have you carefully asked yourself about the things you do that makes him disrespect you?

Some women are demons in human form. I am a woman too and I am not saying you're one sha! I happen to have seen some women display the unimaginable 'cause someone was under their roof. Trust me, it's hard on that 35yrs old under your roof and you made it harder by asking him to serve himself. I would've done same 'cause it's bad to go to someone's pot in this situation.

I think you should change your character and your husband will start treating you the way he was when you were still pretending. Respect is earned.

You'd have to wait until the friend has gone out and then sit down for a serious talk with him. If you start it where he's around it will just heat the situation up too much because he would feel like he has to keep acting tough in front of the friend...then a lot of regrettable things may happen which is not necessary.

For me personally i dont think its worth blowing everything up now in the name of "standing up for yourself" because your husband has a particular reason why he is behaving like this, and you need to find out what it is. Gossiping about you with his friend? Gossiping about you with his family? Eh-ehn.. something is very wrong here.

Do other members of his family act like this?

You mentioned you are living in small accommodation... does he feel bad about it or have you ever said anything to make him feel bad?

Is it that you told the friend to help himself to your fridge when he's hungry? I dont think you could really have told somebody to dish himself rice from a pot...

You said he doesnt act like this when you people are alone..so thats the best time to broach this subject. Thats even the best time to really start screaming and shouting since he's not getting it

what you allow, is what will continue.

If You dont want to be a foot mat, leave the floor.

Missis:
Hi all. Please I need objective advice on whether I am overreacting to the situation in my house.

My significant other brought in his friend from another state who is having trouble finding a job and establishing himself. So my husband invited him over to live with us so that he can teach him the work he (hubby) does because hubby is self employed. We live in a room and parlor self contain house me, hubby an two children because he is kind of managing finances for now, his business fetches like 100k a month.

This his friend is 35 years old and was his best friend in university I guess that's why he wanted to help him start a business. Now the thing is that hubby has always had this habit of talking me down in public and shouting at me over little things because he likes to come across as authoritative and no nonsense leader of his house in front of outsiders so unfortunately his way of showing it is by talking down on me. I have complained of his way of talking, telling him to talk to me kindly and stop shouting at me like his housegirl but he said that's just his way of talking so I should accept it. He didn't change. The truth is that he acts differently when we are alone, he is more soft spoken and tolerant but when relatives are around he just starts acting like a tyrant and being rude when addressing me.

Before his friend came I already knew that he would display this same rudeness to me in front of his friend so I objected to his friend living with us but he went ahead and brought the guy anyways.

True to my expectations his character and treatment of me changed for the worse after the guy started living with. He shouts over slight provocations and says mean things constantly just to impress the guy because his behaviour when we are alone is always better. I started withdrawing from both of them and just staying on my own whenever I returned from work because I really really hate insults and embarrassment and I don't want to shout at him back in front of that guy. I don't believe in exposing flaws in your marriage to outsiders and I am still hoping he will change one day so I am trying to be patient.

It's like that one made things worse because he now gossips me to his friend, I overhear them talking in the sitting room from the room where I stay to avoid his bullying. There are times he would call me rudely to the parlor and demand that I should serve his friend food immediately, I told the friend to serve himself food whenever he gets hungry but the guy has no respect for me now, maybe because of how hubby treats me and the friend said he doesn't want to serve the food himself, I should do it instead. He has said this on two different occasions.

I spoke to hubby about this particular food issue but he didn't change. He did it again after I complained, this next time he demanded that I should hurry and cook his friends food because they are going out.

I am tired of the rudeness and bad treatment, it's like he becomes someone else when people are around, he wasn't like this before we got married, he used to protect me from mean in laws but now he is quick to gossip me to outsiders and act like a tyrant if they are around. The major problem I am having is the issue of his friend and how they seem to be ganging up on me. I no longer feel like his wife it's like they are married to each other. I don't even know if I still love him. I feel so much resentment and am getting gradually disinterested in the marriage.



Sorry for the long story but what do you guys think I should do about this thing? I have talked to him but he didn't change. I can't report him to his elderly family members because last time I did that he picked offence and started spreading negative gossip about me to them.

How can I handle this issue


His rudeness in public and his disrespectful friend that seems to be enjoying what he is doing.

madam ur husband only fault is d shouting and embarrassment, but u sef how do u expect a 35 years man to go near ur pot to d extend of u telling him to serve himsef where u are. ....madam dat rude and shows high level of disrespect from u ....abeg change ur attitude. ..

He has been like this even before his friend came living with you, so, it wasn't triggered only by the presence of his friend. He only does this whenever theres a third party around.

I also had this tendency, cos somehow i think it comes naturally in some men ( I, inclusive). However, as soon as my wife pointed out her displeasure with it, I consciously stopped immediately. Why?

I didn't stop because it was convenient for me. I stopped, to make my wife happy and I felt it was the right thing to do at the time. Now, it's part of me.

Your husband needs to understand, his actions doesn't prove anything, especially towards someone he claims to love. Until this is done, I see no changes.

Ridiculing one's wife is ridiculing ones family, cos smart individuals know how well to interpret the awkward scenarios.

I dont know who needs to see this, but i know this behaviour isn't peculiar to your husband alone. And those in this same shoes need to change.

GrabHisBalls:
Your husband isn't a mad man. You only stated what you think we should judge him based on and not on what may have actually caused his disrespect towards you. From your narrative, you exonerated yourself from any fault. It's not hard to tell. I personally hate being disrespected by my man in private, not to talk of in public, but have you carefully asked yourself about the things you do that makes him disrespect you?

Some women are demons in human form. I am a woman too and I am not saying you're one sha! I happen to have seen some women display the unimaginable 'cause someone was under their roof. Trust me, it's hard on that 35yrs old under your roof and you made it harder by asking him to serve himself. I would've done same 'cause it's bad to go to someone's pot in this situation.

I think you should change your character and your husband will start treating you the way he was when you were still pretending. Respect is earned.

You are not a woman, so she should keep respecting an unfortunate friend that keeps disrespecting her .

Poster you need to stand your ground in front of that chameleon of a husband, once he start being disrespectful show him that he doesn't have monopoly on it, stop it now or live with it for ever!

If i were in your shoe, I will shout back at him and even make my voice louder than his. His reaction will determine my next line of action.

I hate it when people shout at me. There are better ways of correcting people without raising your voice.

I experienced this turning to another person and shouting to me in front of visitors from my hussy and when I told him, he said that it's how his voice is and I said no problem.
Then one day my friend visited me and he started again, that day I was so angry that I gave it back to him hot hot, I even told him since you like disgracing me, let's disgrace ourselves together and my man doesn't like taking what he dishes out. He carried face for two days, but even though I later apologized but it brought an end to the disgrace. Now when I do something wrong, he will just tell me Babym please come to the room and he will talk to me with respect or he waits till the person goes home before reacting.
Coming to you asking his friend to go and dish food by himself, that one is not advisable.

Wow... you know, I have this tendency also. Mine is that whenever there is an outsider around (even my wife's friend), I want everywhere to be well arranged and all things done prompt and perfectly. Unconsciously, I shout at her and she always voice her displeasure. Infact, I used to have a friend visiting and staying for 4days or so...and she said that "whenever David is around, you misbehave"... Trust me, David had nothing to do with what wàs happening. It's innate to me and it's triggered by my wife's actions or inactions. Now, we are on a visit to her parent's place...and I'm acting up again...

Kweenluchy:

Then one day my friend visited me and he started again, that day I was so angry that I gave it back to him hot hot, I even told him since you like disgracing me, let's disgrace ourselves together and my man doesn't like taking what he dishes out. He carried face for two days, but even though I later apologized but it brought an end to the disgrace.

Smiles...for someone like me, being aggresive with me only makes me paranoid and super aggresive (Innate also)... a soft action breaks me...and I do tell her to stop "guilt tripping" me... I hate that look ehn

I am sorry to say but your husband is not matured enough...That's total disrespect shouting at you in the presence of his friend just to show he's in charge of his home.That act is childish.A real man won't do that to his wife. Some men are like that always proving like idi amin whenever people are around.

That your husband's friend has overstayed and it is time for him to go.Trust me that your husband's friend are the type of men whose wives won't take rubbish from anyone and they won't do anything about it just because they don't want to hurt their wife.

You need to be firm madam....Don't be rude to your husband but enlighten him that his friend can't ridicule his wife just to please him should in case he was the one living with his friend.

Pursue the stupid friend away before he scatters your home.If na me na werepe I go pour for him friend body when he dey sleep for night.....They won't teach him before he carry him bag comot.

The issue of serving his food is not about respect/disrespect. It just doesn't make sense for a 35 year old jobless man to use your kitchen whenever he pleases (it takes someone in his shoes to understand my point). Na man wey no get shame and respect go dey dish food anyhow for pot without contributing a penny.

Free him abeg, and serve him when you can. Your hubby can also do the serving.

As per the shouting, give it back hot hot. He would learn the hard way.

Wow! You live in a mini flat and your hubby brought in a long term guest! Big problem

He talks down at you to seem in control. Another big problem low esteem guys have.

You insist that his friend serve himself? Now that's your problem. No big deal in serving him since your husband has imposed his stay on you.

Now to the two problems not caused by you above, what will you do? Small time naija guys will be quarrelling that we are refusing the broke guys. Your MF earns 100k per month, puts you and your children in a single pad, imposed a guest on you and still bully you about. It is well fa...may God help us all.

Jeez, lack of respect just to be the boss, extremely low self esteem, na you cause am, when you shout and embarrass him one day, his head will reset, continue being nice aiit.

oracle009:
Wow... you know, I have this tendency also. Mine is that whenever there is an outsider around (even my wife's friend), I want everywhere to be well arranged and all things done prompt and perfectly. Unconsciously, I shout at her and she always voice her displeasure. Infact, I used to have a friend visiting and staying for 4days or so...and she said that "whenever David is around, you misbehave"... Trust me, David had nothing to do with what wàs happening. It's innate to me and it's triggered by my wife's actions or inactions. Now, we are on a visit to her parent's place...and I'm acting up again...

continue. One day she will embarrass you, like you do her. hopefully it will be in front of everyone.

GrabHisBalls:
Your husband isn't a mad man. You only stated what you think we should judge him based on and not on what may have actually caused his disrespect towards you. From your narrative, you exonerated yourself from any fault. It's not hard to tell. I personally hate being disrespected by my man in private, not to talk of in public, but have you carefully asked yourself about the things you do that makes him disrespect you?

Some women are demons in human form. I am a woman too and I am not saying you're one sha! I happen to have seen some women display the unimaginable 'cause someone was under their roof. Trust me, it's hard on that 35yrs old under your roof and you made it harder by asking him to serve himself. I would've done same 'cause it's bad to go to someone's pot in this situation.

I think you should change your character and your husband will start treating you the way he was when you were still pretending. Respect is earned.

Did you see where she typed that her husband becomes unnecessarily rude outside just to prove he's the boss at home? Do you understand what that means? Means it's a non provocation, it is voluntary, he chose to be rude, she did no wrong, so how is it her fault? So why are you indirectly blaming her? I understand you want to be plain and balanced to get both genders approval but pls be sensible about it.

oracle009:
Wow... you know, I have this tendency also. Mine is that whenever there is an outsider around (even my wife's friend), I want everywhere to be well arranged and all things done prompt and perfectly. Unconsciously, I shout at her and she always voice her displeasure. Infact, I used to have a friend visiting and staying for 4days or so...and she said that "whenever David is around, you misbehave"... Trust me, David had nothing to do with what wàs happening. It's innate to me and it's triggered by my wife's actions or inactions. Now, we are on a visit to her parent's place...and I'm acting up again...

It is not innate anything, it is a bad character, with all your naration I thought you will say you'll change, until your wife give back higher than yours, you'll know better, better stop that bad habit.

Kweenluchy:
I experienced this turning to another person and shouting to me in front of visitors from my hussy and when I told him, he said that it's how his voice is and I said no problem.
Then one day my friend visited me and he started again, that day I was so angry that I gave it back to him hot hot, I even told him since you like disgracing me, let's disgrace ourselves together and my man doesn't like taking what he dishes out. He carried face for two days, but even though I later apologized but it brought an end to the disgrace. Now when I do something wrong, he will just tell me Babym please come to the room and he will talk to me with respect or he waits till the person goes home before reacting.
Coming to you asking his friend to go and dish food by himself, that one is not advisable.

Op, the bolded is the key. Since he’s not as reasonable as Femsyn, all talks have failed. Then, you need to remove that guarantee that he will not be disgraced. Once he knows disrespecting you in front of people will bring a bigger disgrace to him, he will stop. We’ve all been there. All you need is just to put your foot down once or twice.

I think your husband is financially stressed up and indirectly showing or telling you.
Do you work ?

armyofone:
I think your husband is stressed financially and indirectly showing you.
Do you work ?

Yeah, she said she hides inside the room when she comes back from work,. I do agree that it may be a financial thing though because of the small accommodation...how can you bring a guest when you dont even have space...the situation is not really normal...the man is overdoing it

If na me, i go jejely take temp break go rent a place till you let me know where you stand or which side you are!
I don cook finish, go take food oga say i must do it ?
Eh? I gave you permission to do it yourself-still na wahala? Oh boy!!

midnighter:


Yeah, she said she hides inside the room when she comes back from work,. I do agree that it may be a financial thing though because of the small accommodation...how can you bring a guest when you dont even have space...

I don't see why the so called friend wouldn't dish out his food.
I will never dish out food for him. He is living off my benevolence. I have cooked. He should get his ass of the chair and grab a plate, dish out food, eat and wash the plate.
What manner of nonsense is that?
All because she is a woman?
If the husband is living alone and after cooking, he will not tell him to go and help himself out?
Ùmù nwanyì have suffered.

And u, madam is a weakling.
Ur partner disrespect u and u are busy doing good wife.
One day it will turn to beating so continue hoping he will change.
A wonderful advice someone gave me( grandma of 85yrs now). She said, " If u don't like something, nip it by the bud else it grow and you won't be able to uproot it again".
Good luck
U need it.

armyofone:
If na me, i go jejely take temp break go rent a place till you let me know where you stand!

That may be a good idea... and take the kids with you...let him be married to his friend... rubbish

Exactly!

midnighter:


That may be a good idea... and take the kids with you...let him be married to his friend... rubbish

armyofone:
I don cook finish, go take food oga say i must do it ? Eh? I gave you permission to do it yourself-still na wahala? Oh boy!!

If I finish cooking I will dish the food out and serve it myself, but if somebody wants more and I am busy with something else or just not there...I wouldnt mind them doing it

For me its strange to finish cooking and then just leave the food sitting in the pot...I think the serving of the food is part of the cooking, like the last part. And you need to finish and soak/wash the utensils and continue with your day

The attitude with the serving the food + the fact that the man gossips about her with outsiders is what is making me to advise against shouting back at him in public, because this situation is not normal. I dont want him to snap and beat her/chase her away..

doitforyou:


Op, the bolded is the key. Since he’s not as reasonable as Femsyn, all talks have failed. Then, you need to remove that guarantee that he will not be disgraced. Once he knows disrespecting you in front of people will bring a bigger disgrace to him, he will stop. We’ve all been there. All you need is just to put your foot down once or twice.

She thought her marriage will scatter if she do something.u know how we love the Mrs title

Surprise that man and his brain will reset immediately.
Let me tell you, most men hate women who don't like fighting for their rights. This man will respect her more.

Anytime u challenge your oppressor, he or she will start respecting you even if they decide not to speak to u again but sure u have earned their respect.
He has eroded her individuality and if he can gossip about her with his friend, he can as well go out with the so called friend to groove( good old days).

He continues to disrespect and yell at you because it is working.

You need to train some people like dogs, with positive and negative reinforcements.

This is what I’d do. Next time he shouts at you to do a particular thing, leave it undone. If he shouts at you clean the table, tell him calmly “remember what we talked about shouting at me?” Then leave the table dirty for as long as you can. If he shouts to you to bring food, leave the food in the kitchen and walk away. He will be angry, but he will learn that shouting at you will not result in anything good.

When he talks to you calmly to clean the table, put on you best smiling face and clean the table. He will learn to associate respect with good results.

You are going to have to train him like a puppy.

I have one senior friend that always like shouting on d wife I dey always pity d woman,small tin wey no require shouting oga go don dey provoke,to chop food wey she serve us,I no go chop well women make huna dey look well before huna enter marriage,oo

I stylishly withdraw from d homie,,he

It’s sad really that in our culture a man is tagged “weak” if he treats his partner like a human being.

I don’t understand how a man that claims to love you will intentionally hurt you just to prove he is an alpha male.

Op, have a different talk this time, tell him the need he has to feel like an alpha male is also the need you have not to be perceived as a door mat or be disrespected. Tell him the next time it happens it will be mutually assured destruction, you will stand up for yourself and you’ll both disgrace each other.

Is he violent? Are you scared he might be physical if you react? You shouldn’t be scared to stand up for yourself, no reasonable man will kick you out of the marriage if you defend yourself from an unprovoked insult.

sassysure:


She thought her marriage will scatter if she do something.u know how we love the Mrs title

Surprise that man and his brain will reset immediately.
Let me tell you, most men hate women who don't like fighting for their rights. This man will respect her more.

Anytime u challenge your oppressor, he or she will start respecting you even if they decide not to speak to u again but sure u have earned their respect.
He has eroded her individuality and if he can gossip about her with his friend, he can as well go out with the so called friend to groove( good old days).