My appreciation for first lady Aisha Buhari is divided into two eras: pre and post-2018.

I’ll admit, pre-2018, I didn’t pay a ton of mind to her role in government. I thought her clothes were $tu₦₦ing, and I almost admired her tolerance for patriarchal BS, because I would have dipped from my marriage after #theotherroom trended. But that was pretty much her impact for me.

Post-2018 however, this memorable cabal call out, and spazzing on the APC ( albeit for her brother losing out on a governorship ticket) — sealed her position as one not afraid to name and shame in the #Change administration.

So when, shortly after her return from the UK, a video surfaced of milady letting it rip on someone for denying her entry to a room, I knew some piping presidential tea was underway.



Now this is family business.
On October 13th, this video appeared to be the perfect dramatic response of the first lady to rumours that Bubu was dipping another gnarled toe into the marriage pool. But that wasn’t it chief.

In reality, Mrs. Buhari was reacting to the continued presence of Fatima Daura, daughter of Mamaan Daura (President Buhari’s nephew) in Aso Rock.

It’s important to note that there might not be a lot of love between the Dauras and Mrs. Buhari as Mamaan is believed to be a part of the cabal she claims is frustrating her husband.

While what really went down is in dispute, here’s what we know for sure:

The dispute involves a portion of Aso Rock known as The Glass House.
The Glass House is soon to be the home of Yusuf Buhari, Nigeria’s second most famous patient. You know the first.
The building was formerly home to the Dauras.


Which brings me to ask this question ⁠—

WTF kind of government is being run in this country?

A gerontocracy? A warped monarchy? Because LOL to anyone claiming it is a democracy.

Why in the hell is the President’s favourite nephew, a political office free citizen, occupying any space in the presidential residence, let alone a whole building?

Explaining the spat, Fatima Mamaan claims the President ‘gave’ the Glass House to her father upon becoming president because party cake yunno.

When Yusuf returned from treatment for his accident, he was allegedly to be moved to said Glass House to be closer to his mommy, leaving the Dauras without their home of three years, womp womp.

Never fear however, Fatima further claims the President promised her father an even bigger house ⁠ — sis really said this too ⁠ — for their pain.

Narrating the events of the day, she claimed she and her sister were in the process of successfully moving all their belongings from the GH when the first lady came shrieking in, throwing chairs to get them to move out. She claims to have recorded the videos to show her parents.

Aisha Buhari on her part, however, claims to have been upset because a portion of Aso Rock had been denied her by Daura and her family. She has since apologised for the outburst.

Pretty sure this isn’t the last we’ll be hearing of this. While we wait for the rest of the tea to brew, there’s something I’ve been struggling with this for the past few minutes. Does anybody have even the faintest idea what Aso Rock even looks like? What even is a glass house? How are we so disconnected from the government man?




This was a lot funnier in my head.
WAS AMBODE A VERY, VERY BAD BOY?

Sometime between 2015 and 2019 while Lagos was going toe to toe with PornHub for being overrun with filth, a certain ex-governor Ambode was allegedly getting downright disgusting with the amount of money his administration was allegedly funnelling away from state coffers.

Now I don’t know how many slimming teas and scalp oils one man can (or should) purchase, neither do I know how far back a sturdy waist trainer will set you, but ₦70 billion seems a tad much, no?

LET'S TAKE IT BACK.

Sometime during the tenure of Governor Akinwunmi Ambode, someone within the government allegedly thought it would be a good idea to purchase 820 buses to ply the already overburdened roads of Lagos. Even worse, they failed to observe the required processes to purchase the buses. This person was allegedly Governor Ambode, together with a number of his commissioners.

This information was brought to the fore by members of the Lagos State House of Assembly on Oct 10th. According to them, the ex-governor and four of his former commissioners — Kazeem Adeniji (justice), Olusegun Banjo (budget), Akinyemi Ashade (finance) and Wale Oluwo (energy) failed to inform the house before the purchase of the buses. ₦48 billion was spent on the purchase of the buses, while ₦22 billion was spent on custom duties. That’s billion with a ‘b’ on custom duties. I am just… what?

To make matters worse, 520 of those buses are allegedly still at the seaport.

Oh dear!

For failing to produce any newspaper reports where the purchase of the bus was to be advertised, as well as declining a summons to appear before a committee of the house, members of the House of Assembly are for the option of issuing a warrant of arrest to the ex-governor and the four commissioners involved in #coasterbusgate.

If Ambode in trouble feels a little like deja vu, it’s because he has been involved in a series of spats since his tenure ended. Back in August, the EFCC raided his homes for an alleged ₦10 billion fraud but not before freezing accounts worth ₦9.9 billion linked to him.

Man, I miss the days when millions were worth something.

NOBODY GETS FLYER THAN ME, OKAY? - BUHARI.

Before we get into the meat of this heading, I’d like to highlight a little something that might have skipped your newsfeed during the week — our Vlogger-In-Chief (VIC TM ) intends to spend ₦1.5 billion of the country’s budget on the upgrade of the presidential fleet. Billion with a ‘b’ again. This news sunk in? Good.

As a way to curb the excess noted in the management of the country’s resources, President Buhari has directed that all Ministries, Departments and Agencies (MDAs) are to submit yearly travel plans for statutory meetings and engagements to the Office of the Secretary to the Government of the Federation and or the Office of the Head of the Civil Service for clearance within the first quarter of the year. These trips must be for official purposes only and backed by documentary evidence.

When a minister is the head of an official delegation, the size of the delegation must not exceed four. Everyone below minister gets three.
Also, travel days will no longer attract Estacode Allowances (travel allowances). Yikes.
Oh plus, plus, only ministers, Permanent Secretaries, Special Advisers, Senior Special Assistants to the President, Chairmen of Extra-ministerial Departments and Chief Executive Officers of Parastatals can fly business, everyone else gets relegated to the regular people ghetto — economy.
If this isn’t the biggest 'get on my level' flex of October, I don’t know what is.

HELLO FROM THIS SIDE - SHEKAU.

I don’t know what’s scarier — the fact that Abubakar Shekau is the leader of one of the world’s deadliest terrorist groups, or the fact that he seems to switch at will between the land of the living and that other side. Rumours first started in 2009 that he had gone to spend quality time with his promised virginal brides, but he shocked us with a televised resurrection only a year after. Then we heard again that he had gained a premium membership to the Missguided Martyrs Club in August 2013, when the army claimed to have raided his camp in 2013. But again, that turned out to be incorrect, with him resurfacing only a year after.

Same thing happened in 2014 and 2016, but he seems to have this life, afterlife boomerang feature on lock.

It’s 2019 and Shekau is showing he is very much with us. In a video released in response to the Governor of Borno State, Babagana Umaru Zulum’s appeal that the members of the Boko Haram sect embrace peace, Shekau let it be known that ‘the war is just starting’.

Ominous as that sounds, Shekau is clearly looking to fan the flames of fear, but will we give him that satisfaction? Not on his seemingly never-ending life.

THE NLC STRIKE DIDN'T HOLD?

The sun rose today? Water is indeed wet? You’re still postponing joining the gym?

Expectations, meet reality.

After threatening to implement a nationwide strike action come October 16th following the failure of the Federal Government to implement the ₦30,000 minimum wage, the NLC decided to hold off on the proposed plan (gasp!) and resume negotiations with the federal government.

I don’t think there has ever been threatened strike so poorly received. Nobody even bothered to do the panic buy thing. All references to a strike holiday in my office were made in jest, nobody gives AF anymore. It was time for a new play six years ago NLC, fix up!

DID YOU MISS THIS?

1. This one no too concern us, just wanted you to know Italy has reduced its parliament to save €1bn. Feel free to forward to all National Assembly WhatsApp group chats you can find.

2. Topping the list of things I wish I didn’t see this week is the Agric Minister saying there’s no hunger in Nigeria.

3. Goodluck Jonathan visited President Buhari at Aso Rock. Wonder if he loves what Buhari has done with the place?

NOT.THE.NEWS.

Girl, if you thought Nigerian roads were a mess (and yes, they are), check out this single connecting road between Cote d’Ivoire and Liberia. The good folks over on the Zikoko Jollof Road Trip are truly doing the Lord’s work with their African borders and road exposes, join this Telegram group for real-time updates, and make sure to follow jollofroad.com for everything else.
Go watch HBO’S Succession RIGHT NOW!
Jeff Bezos has a master plan it would appear. Check it out, I haven’t though.
I keep saving these neat looking articles and not reading them, somebody help me TLDR this piece on how African Kleptocrats Are Finding It Difficult To Stash Money In The West.

Aisha Dey Dance One Corner Allahu Akbar

Hmmmmmmmm......
We dont know the way forward.... God help us ...