I am an avid reader on NL & have learnt a lot. I have a lovable wife and beautiful children. When our first kid was growing (we had countless talks about the importance of instilling good morals and values in our kids as regards good, Tv, Phone, and all about them because we live in the West. Wifey agreed with me.

Firstly, now that we had all our kids, I and my wife have different views on this. I treat my kids firmly and in love. I used mild spanking at times. If I disciplined them on any wrongdoing, I let them know what they did and why I did what I did, so they could learn from the experience. I monitor what our children eat as I am training them on more of real foods than junks. My 2 oldest kids, (we got four girls, 8, 5, 3 & 11 months, got really bad cavities that have wrecked their teeth. My lovely wife would stock the house with those honey nut cereal, all kinds of cookies, chocolates, mashmellow and other junkies. Though we cooked our African meals but they always wanted to choose what they ate. We talked about this, and my wife said other kids eat them too. When I objected, say I told them to eat some fruits or salads, they would go eat it grudgingly, but if there mum is home, she gave in to them. So they could read between the line that we were not on the same page. So, they would rather ask their mum for any food than me.

Secondly, we both run a joint account in our home, and we both work. Each time we bought things for our kids, the kids would tell me: see what my mum bought for me. And right there, I would explain to them that dad & mum bought them bought them for you and they would say thank you. I discussed this wifey, and she said she always explains to them, that maybe they are still not grown.

Thirdly, our kids are sweet and brilliant. They tell me stuff and we do a lot of fun stuff for kids. But d junk foods, Tv, phone, I objected, particularly the time spend on these things, but wife did not see any thing wrong in them. When I am home, I enforce this, but when wifey is home she gave in. I timed everything our kids do, but wifey disagreed.

Lastly, we disagree a lot about all of the above as it has become a recurring issue. What even got to me is: today, my wife wanted to drive me to the ER because I was ill. My oldest kid came to tell me that she had asked her mum that she would be going with us. I told her we would not take her with us that no kids are allowed in the ER unless they are sick. Later on in our my discussion with wife, she did not see any wrong in it. She said she acted right, that whatever I tell our kids about her, that is not even going to stop our kids from loving. I was justwandering why she said that, because I had never done that and would not do.

Pls my wise Nairalanders, advice me. Sorry for the long post.

Pls mods, help push this post to the frontpage. Thanks

Let me think it through

Bros, I will advice you pray for your wife to see things your own way or for her to do things right in your own religious way. Cos this matter is way more than what you are seeing. MORE in the sense that if you push it too much quarrel will erupt, emotions will be shattered... You know what I mean.
So, pray the way you know you can before things gets out of hand for you not to be a deserter in your own house.

Your kids are still growing and it is only normal that the things you hate to see them eat are part of their lives at this point. I worry about the health of their teeth but then again, that is where moderation comes in.

If you guys continue with this, your wife will paint you as a monster unconsciously by making your kids see that daddy doesn't like and won't approve of the things they want and love. Your house is becoming a war zone already and kids being intelligent might aggravate the situation by running to either of you whom they feel will support their campaign.

You're losing the 'battle' somehow. Sit down with wifey and have another discussion on this. Make her see that you're willing to compromise but would only have them have little of these things and not crave or take them as important meals. Also, you might want to take it to the kids themselves. This way, when the idea comes up among themselves, they'll remember daddy's words on it and might adjust.

On differing instructions, I think a conversation between you and wifey should do the trick.

You see why iam not too much of a west somebody my kids cannot come and talk to me any how in my house without that African slap of who send you!

You and your wife have different parenting styles. You're an authoritative parent (the healthiest parenting style); this isn't the same as authoritarian, while she's a permissive. Permissive parents tend to a) compensate their kids for what they lacked as kids, b) do everything their kids want out of fear of being disliked by them, or c) are just out of touch w| what's right and wrong. I can see the instances you've given falling into these. She might be buying them junk food b|c of (a) and (b) b|c I doubt she doesn't know that too much junk food + the sugar in them isn't good for kids (c). They definitely are eating a lot of junk good + sugar to be getting cavities and they aren't cleaning their teeth properly either, which leads to excessive buildup of plaque, so you've to keep these in check for them. I've never gotten a cavity in my life, so it's concerning that an 8 and 5-year old are. With your daughter wanting to go to the ER, your wife might've told her she could come along mainly b|c of (c) - she didn't know she couldn't take her along, which is understandable. The ER certainly isn't a playroom or a place for kids to tag along, unless they're going to get treated, which wasn't the case here.

Get to know your wife and the reasons behind her parenting style, then work together to be on the same page.

micbjrex:

When I objected, say I told them to eat some fruits or salads, they would go eat it grudgingly, but if there mum is home, she gave in to them. So they could read between the line that we were not on the same page. So, they would rather ask their mum for any food than me.

Lastly, we disagree a lot about all of the above as it has become a recurring issue. What even got to me is: today, my wife wanted to drive me to the ER because I was ill. My oldest kid came to tell me that she had asked her mum that she would be going with us. I told her we would not take her with us that no kids are allowed in the ER unless they are sick.

You’ve half solved your problem. You guys have different parenting styles; don’t present a united front and your kids are manipulating the situation to suit them. You and your wife should have an extensive discussion away from your kids and reach an agreement. When they come to either of you to override each other, always reaffirm the initial authority even though you don’t agree and discuss your objections with each other behind your kids.

E.G. the ER visit, instead of overriding your wife, you should’ve told your daughter to wait while you confirm with her mother, then you tell your wife you don’t want your daughter to go. With a united front, you guys will then tell your daughter your decision. Ditto, her overriding you on their diet.

Your kids are getting mixed signals and it will only hurt them long term. Also, it’s easy for resentment to build between you and your wife if one or both of you feel your authority is been disregarded/disrespected.

Presenting a united front for your kids is very important, this cannot be overstated. However way you try to achieve this is up to you, but just make sure you do.

I’m in a similar dilemma and in my case just like yours I’m the more assertive one when it comes to parenting!

Once parents do not present a united front to the children surely these kind of things will come up!

The examples you’ve given while serious are not completely damaging and my suggestion is that you choose your battles on these things. The side effects may end up being much but you’d find a way to then pass your point across to your Mrs!

The ER situation for eg I’d have taken the child along just so that mrs can see the folly in her decision. When she gets there and the child is in the way* she will realise and ask herself what really she brought the girl along for!

Decide what’s totally important to you perhaps - morals or that they eat fruits daily whatever and those stuff insist on it . The rest look away eventually mrs will get it (we hope) and if she doesn’t it is what it is!

I am having unnecessary ish with my older children now because my hubby didn’t accept or join forces in training them. So these days when he’s yelling at them for not greeting him properly I smile inwardly and say to myself you never start.

These things also occur as a result of improper and poor upbringing!

Good luck anyway

missjo:
Presenting a united front for your kids is very important, this cannot be overstated. However way you try to achieve this is up to you, but just make sure you do.

Thank you very much.

babythug:
I’m in a similar dilemma and

Pls how do you handle it? Thanks

missjo:
Presenting a united front for your kids is very important, this cannot be overstated. However way you try to achieve this is up to you, but just make sure you do.

Thank you so much.

babythug:
I’m in a similar dilemma and in my case just like yours I’m the more assertive one when it comes to parenting!

Once parents do not present a united front to the children surely these kind of things will come up!

The examples you’ve given while serious are not completely damaging and my suggestion is that you choose your battles on these things. The side effects may end up being much but you’d find a way to then pass your point across to your Mrs!

The ER situation for eg I’d have taken the child along just so that mrs can see the folly in her decision. When she gets there and the child is in the way* she will realise and ask herself what really she brought the girl along for!

Decide what’s totally important to you perhaps - morals or that they eat fruits daily whatever and those stuff insist on it . The rest look away eventually mrs will get it (we hope) and if she doesn’t it is what it is!

I am having unnecessary ish with my older children now because my hubby didn’t accept or join forces in training them. So these days when he’s yelling at them for not greeting him properly I smile inwardly and say to myself you never start.

These things also occur as a result of improper and poor upbringing!

Good luck anyway

Thank you so much.

doitforyou:

You’ve half solved your problem. You guys have different parenting styles; don’t present a united front and your kids are manipulating the situation to suit them. You and your wife should have an extensive discussion away from your kids and reach an agreement. When they come to either of you to override each other, always reaffirm the initial authority even though you don’t agree and discuss your objections with each other behind your kids.

E.G. the ER visit, instead of overriding your wife, you should’ve told your daughter to wait while you confirm with her mother, then you tell your wife you don’t want your daughter to go. With a united front, you guys will then tell your daughter your decision. Ditto, her overriding you on their diet.

Your kids are getting mixed signals and it will only hurt them long term. Also, it’s easy for resentment to build between you and your wife if one or both of you feel your authority is been disregarded/disrespected.

Thank you so much.

theButterfly:
You and your wife have different parenting styles. You're an authoritative parent (the healthiest parenting style); this isn't the same as authoritarian, while she's a permissive. Permissive parents tend to a) compensate their kids for what they lacked as kids, b) do everything their kids want out of fear of being disliked by them, or c) are just out of touch w| what's right and wrong. I can see the instances you've given falling into these. She might be buying them junk food b|c of (a) and (b) b|c I doubt she doesn't know that too much junk food + the sugar in them isn't good for kids (c). They definitely are eating a lot of junk good + sugar to be getting cavities and they aren't cleaning their teeth properly either, which leads to excessive buildup of plaque, so you've to keep these in check for them. I've never gotten a cavity in my life, so it's concerning that an 8 and 5-year old are. With your daughter wanting to go to the ER, your wife might've told her she could come along mainly b|c of (c) - she didn't know she couldn't take her along, which is understandable. The ER certainly isn't a playroom or a place for kids to tag along, unless they're going to get treated, which wasn't the case here.

Get to know your wife and the reasons behind her parenting style, then work together to be on the same page.

Thank you so much.

chiommy123:
You see why iam not too much of a west somebody my kids cannot come and talk to me any how in my house without that African slap of who send you!

Thank you so much.

Sanchez01:
Your kids are still growing and it is only normal that the things you hate to see them eat are part of their lives at this point. I worry about the health of their teeth but then again, that is where moderation comes in.

If you guys continue with this, your wife will paint you as a monster unconsciously by making your kids see that daddy doesn't like and won't approve of the things they want and love. Your house is becoming a war zone already and kids being intelligent might aggravate the situation by running to either of you whom they feel will support their campaign.

You're losing the 'battle' somehow. Sit down with wifey and have another discussion on this. Make her see that you're willing to compromise but would only have them have little of these things and not crave or take them as important meals. Also, you might want to take it to the kids themselves. This way, when the idea comes up among themselves, they'll remember daddy's words on it and might adjust.

On differing instructions, I think a conversation between you and wifey should do the trick.

Thank you so much.

micbjrex:

Thank you very much.

You are welcome