DOPE


Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this and told them this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs". "That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?" The judge asked the second boy. "Well, your honor, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs forever." "One-hundred-fifty people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar approach. I said, 'This small circle is your asshole before prison, '

PIGDEON ENGLISH INTERPRETATION

Rev. Reinhard Bonke came to Okuokoko village in Delta state for a convention. He mounted the podium and started preaching the gospel.


Barely 10 minutes into the sermon, he noticed that the congregation were grumbling and leaving. He called on the nearest man (Akpomiemie) and asked him why they were leaving. Akpomiemie answered "sir, dem no understand your big English". Reinhard Bonke thought for a moment and then asked Akpomiemie for assistance. This is what ensued:

Reinhard Bonke: "As it is written in the bible"

Akpomiemie: "As dem yarn for bible side"

Reinhard Bonke: "Jesus entered the boat with his disciples"

Akpomiemie: "Naim Jesus fall inside canoe with him palles"

Reinhard Bonke: "As the boat was sailing there was a great storm"

Akpomiemie: " As the canoe dey remove naim yawa come gas"

Reinhard Bonke: " the storm was so great that it was like a whirl wind"

Akpomiemie: "the yawa na die so tay kasala burst enter"

Reinhard Bonke: " the disciples became so afraid and they shouted master master"

Akpomiemie: "naim liver drop him palles, dem begin hala bros bros"

Reinhard Bonke: " Jesus got up and calmed down the wind"

Akpomiemie: "Naim Jesus rise up come arrange the yawa"

Reinhard Bonke: " He turned to his disciples and said, oh ye men of little faith"

Akpomiemie: “Na so Jesus look him palles, shake him head say UNA FALL MY HAND "

Reinhard Bonke: “the disciples replied and said what manner of man is this?

Akpomiemie: him palles come hala say sho, bro J, which levels? , YOU BE WINSH?"

the will
A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:

"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."

The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"

SPERM SAMPLE

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains,

"Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.

Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOUR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"



GET YOUR DIRTY MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!!

And. . . ?

I dey wait for the rest

2 CHINAMEN

Once upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen. One named I Cum and one named No Cum.
No Cum marry pretty Chinese girl named No Cum Tu. For velly obvious reason No Cum and No Cum Tu not have any children.

One day, No Cum went out of town on business, and I Cum came over and spent the night with No Cum Tu. That night I Cum came and No Cum Tu came too. This make both velly happy.

However about 7 or 8 months later, No Cum see he about to become father but he not know how come, so when baby come, he named it, How Cum U Cum.

Of course, I Cum and No Cum Tu know How Cum U Cum came. But to this day No Cum not know how come How Cum U Cum came!

Cum again?
dudes in hell


Three guys found themselves in Hell: Tom, Mike, and Jose. A little confused at their present situation, they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4-, dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Tom, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Tom was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Mike, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Mike, like Tom, was whisked off.

Jose, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of, Cindy Crawford.

Delighted, Jose jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying, "Cindy, you have sinned,

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

flat tummy

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

Nice jokes.