I am almost certain that the former information minister, Dr Dora Akunyili, would be furious with this writer for using the word "Naija" in the caption of this article. She believes that referring to our beloved nation as "Naija", is derogatory and so should be stopped with immediate effect and automatic alacrity. I think, though, that someone has set the former NAFDAC boss straight with a caption that says, " Naija is to Nigeria what Dora is to Dorothy". Case closed. Anyway, I digress.


Nigerians were once branded the happiest people on earth. That sounded crazy at the time but it was just an affirmation of the song penned many years ago by the indefatigable Fela Kuti. He called it "Suffering and Smiling." Fela was depicting a nation were there was too much hardship and yet the people bore it with a certain inexplicable equanimity. In the midst of suffering, they would be smiling. A man pulling many times his own weight in goods, with a wooden truck or wheel barrow, under a 95 degree baking sun, with sweat pouring down his face and cascading down his body, would be expected to be looking tense with a sad disposition on his face. That is not Naija. Inspite of the back-breaking work that pays little, the man will be smiling while making jokes with anyone that comes close to him as he makes his way through the busy streets.

People will be in a house without electricity and hence unable to run the fans that ward of giant mosquitoes. You would expect them to be mad at a government that continues to fail her people in the power-delivery sector or PHCN that has failed to get its act together. They will hardly show any anger instead they will be making light of the situation by describing the sizes of the mosquitoes that play harmonious music around them in the night and laughing heartily. So, inspite of the suffering occasioned by mosquito bites, with attendant burgeoning of malaria parasites and sickness, you still find Nigerians smiling the next morning, ready to go out and face the task at hand. Inspite of the suffering of the previous night, as soon as power is restored, even for the slightest minute, you find them jubilating, "Up NEPA" or in this case, "Up PHCN". It is amazing!

Nigeria is a nation where people always find a way to cut through the every day misery they face in traffic, in banks, on dilapidated and pothole-ridden roads and the likes, to either enjoy themselves or be happy. Not quite a few days ago, I watched an Okada rider carrying three "passengers". One person between him and the motorcycle handles and two people in the back. The lady in the back also had a child tied behind her back! Effectively, the man was ferrying 4-people, with an assumed combined weight of 700 pounds on a motorcycle that was designed for a probable maximum load of 400 pounds. The danger is obvious because the load on the tires will always put them in jeopardy. Also, the fact that he was carrying someone between himself and the motorcycle handles, made it difficult, if not impossible, for the okada man to be able to react properly in the event of an emergency that requires maneuvering the bike. One would think that the danger that these people were being subjected to would show on their faces as sadness. That was not the case. They were instead immersed in a conversation that was cracking them up in laughter as the okada "driver "meandered through the bad road, periodically extending one hand to wave at people along the dusty road. The only explanation is that people in Nigeria easily adapt to the situation they find themselves and make the best of it.

I visited the bank a few days ago and saw a long line of people being attended to by only one teller. It meant that one could spend as much as 90 minutes just to make a simple withdrawal. Again, the people in the long queue were busy watching a TV behind the teller that showed some kind of European soccer and heartily discussing the game while the line snailed along. Essentially, Nigerian people have developed very powerful coping mechanisms to deal with the many twists and turns that they have come to expect from and in Nigeria. These days, I get jokes through my email that are specifically tailored to Nigeria as a nation and Nigerians as a people. Apparently, there are Nigerians who have taken it upon themselves to develop, write and circulate these satirical jokes or humor to make light of tough situations in the country hence making them more bearable. I would like to share a couple of the jokes in the article. I am not sure who to give credit for the jokes to but whoever are the originators, credit goes to them.

One of the jokes goes thus:
A casket-maker was on his way to deliver one of his caskets when the vehicle he was riding in broke down in a traffic hold up.
Sensing that he would be late for the timed delivery, he balanced the coffin on his head and started walking down the highway, towards his destination.
Before long, he got to a traffic checkpoint manned by men of the Nigerian police force. "Where you dey carry that thing go?", one of the policemen, at the check point, thundered at him, hoping to extort some money from him.
The man replied, "I no like the place where them bury me, so I dey try relocate".
On hearing that, all the policemen at the check point took to their heels!

Of course the above joke tries to make light of the situation Nigerians find themselves in on a daily basis. If you live in Nigeria, there can be no escape from the harassment and extortion from the police whether you are in a vehicle or on foot. If you are in a vehicle, they will stop the vehicle and demand money even if you have not contravened any law. Drivers of commercial vehicle are the ones that they extort most. They stop them at traffic checkpoints and brazenly ask for money ranging from twenty naira to fifty. As we drove from Owerri to Ozubulu, just a few days ago, I witnessed several instances, at road blocks, where police took money from commercial vehicle drivers in front of us. As I tried to complain at the brazen nature of the whole activity, a nephew of mine, in the car, retorted that I had not seen anything yet. He stated that the policemen at checkpoints now carry change with them. So if a commercial vehicle driver gives them say a two hundred naira bill, at the check point, knowing that their standard collection is twenty naira, they would reach into their pockets and give change to them! This is amazing! Practicing illegality in broad daylight as if it is legal. The problem here is clear: If the police at the check points, who are supposed to apprehend bad people, just take money from drivers and let the go unsearched, the criminals they are supposedly looking for will continue to elude them because the criminals will be glad to part with even large sums of money and the police will heartily wave them off.

In this era of kidnapping in the south east, where suspected hoodlums sometimes travel on foot or on okada bikes, people on foot have even become fair game for the police. My understanding is that the police can now stop an individual and conduct a body search to make sure that the person is not a kidnapper before letting the person go. While I am not criticizing them for searching pedestrians on the streets, because desperate times call for desperate measures, the problem is that the Nigerian police will always try to make a buck off it. A pedestrian stopped for search could part with a few bucks and be let go pronto, defeating the purpose of the exercise.

Another joke goes thus:

A pastor was praying in a church and after the prayer, he said that the Lord told him that the church should sow seed of fifty thousand naira for the next Bishop's ordination coming up in twenty years. Well, one of the church members wondered aloud, "so this man no believe say Jesus is coming soon"

Well, the above again tries to highlight, in a subtle way, the discrepancy that has now permeated the gospel ministry in Nigeria. The pastors say one thing but do another. Their goal has become simply to make money. Everywhere you go in Nigeria today, there are gospel or evangelical churches preaching just one thing, "sow seed". They use up the time that is for sermon, to basically solicit money all the way. Most simply use the money for things that do not necessarily enrich the spiritual being and welfare of the members. They solicit money to build huge, state of the art churches, dress themselves in Hollywood style, ride the best cars, even buy jets, fly around the world. When I was growing up, sermons were always dedicated to the spiritual uplifting and wellbeing of church members. The Ten Commandments always took center-stage because even if one was not a Christian and followed those, one would live a great life while making the world a better place.

Yet, another joke goes thus: A man died and went to heaven. There, he found that there were different hells for each country of the world. He then decided to pick the least-painful hell to spend eternity.

The man went to the German hell and asked, "What do they do here?" Someone responded to him, "First they put you into an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on the bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil will come in and whip you for the rest of the day.

The man did not like what he was hearing so he decided to move to the next hell station. He then checked the USA hell, Russian hell and others and the story seemed to be the same for all of them.

He then chanced onto the Nigerian hell and finds, to his surprise, that there was a long queue there. Amazed at the fact that there was a long queue in front of the Nigerian hell, he asks, "What do they do here?"

The attendant replied, "First they put you an electric chair for an hour and then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The Nigerians devil then comes in and whips you for the rest of the day". Bewildered, the man retorted, "But that is the same type of hell that other nations have but they do not have long queue in front of them". At that point, one of the men on the queue pulled him aside and said, "People are rushing to the Nigerian hell because there is never electricity so the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but were never supplied by the contractor so the bed is very comfortable to sleep on and the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant so he comes in, signs in and goes back home for other business." Need I say more. Merry Xmas everyone and prosperous New Year.

Oyinbogoju.

The attendant replied, "First they put you an electric chair for an hour and then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The Nigerians devil then comes in and whips you for the rest of the day". Bewildered, the man retorted, "But that is the same type of hell that other nations have but they do not have long queue in front of them". At that point, one of the men on the queue pulled him aside and said, "People are rushing to the Nigerian hell because there is never electricity so the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but were never supplied by the contractor so the bed is very comfortable to sleep on and the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant so he comes in, signs in and goes back home for other business." Need I say more. Merry Xmas everyone and prosperous New Year.

Wooooooyyyyyyyyyyyyyiiiiiiii
Give it up to Oyingboju Ivynwa claps and claps
That joke was sweet, it funnily shows that there are good at the other side of the coin of the hardship in Naija. May God help us eradicate poverty and hardship in Naija Amen-o-o-o
Happy New year to you friend Oyingboju, remember me? Are you still angry with me for having Mukina take off those your pictures

It is a funny and nice post but to me it's rubbish mentality. Instead of finding a way out of our problem, we are bearing it. Instead of overcoming we are coping. We're dying and yet we are laughing. Is this why Nigeria has yet to improve. It is this same mentality that the whitemen enjoyed in Africans, it allowed them to manipulate us and get away with it. It's sad. Merry Christmas

Oyinbogoju, the above passage is a breath of fresh air that is a true rarity in Nigerian literature and journalism.   Uber-satirist Olatunji Dare and the late, great Aig Imoukkuede remain Nigeria's solitary troubadours of comic relief, who lightened the mood of the Nigerian press for much of the past 20 years.  With one of those literary craftsmen emigrated to the US, and the other to heaven, locating satisfying examples of humorous writing in Nigerian newspapers has become as difficult an endeavor as finding a virgin in a whorehouse.  The compulsion of Nigerian writers to sound "serious and studious" has, to a large extent, rendered their verbiage as tedious, laborious and downright boring as watching grass grow.


Before I return to finish reading your fine work, let us recall the immortal words of American comic Rodney I-don't-get-no-respect Dangerfield, who once paraphrased an old BB King blues classic thus :   "If it weren't for pick-pockets, I wouldn't have no sex life at all." 

If it is true that a well developed sense of humor is most likely the product of an equally well developed intellect,  I will make bold to speculate that Oyingboju is a person who will quietly scale the pinnacle of professional success by virtue of bold innovation and a strong never-say-die attitude.   I raise my glass to an engaging writer and dispassionate chronicler of the Nigerian condition.   Blue skies and best wishes for the new year.

Ivynwa:

Wooooooyyyyyyyyyyyyyiiiiiiii
Give it up to Oyingboju Ivynwa claps and claps
That joke was sweet, it funnily shows that there are good at the other side of the coin of the hardship in Naija. May God help us eradicate poverty and hardship in Naija Amen-o-o-o
Happy New year to you friend Oyingboju, remember me? Are you still angry with me for having Mukina take off those your pictures

ohhh i don`t even think of it at all, i have more pictures in my domain but i respect your view and the mods that was why i back off, now i have decided to concentrate my secret service job to this politics section and spice it up for everyone.

thank you all the great readers. watch out for the next write up soon

Title NIGERIA LACK LEADERS WITH VISION,INSTEAD WE HAVE LEADERS WITH MISSION.

watch out,