Here is my situation.

I'v been in this relationship for about 5years now. We did our introduction a couple of weeks ago. We were both working in Lag but his job was a rather low paying one. Very low indeed but he was doing it in order not to be idle. Mine on the other hand was quite ok but when I got a transfer to Abuja, my pay was significantly increased.

We planned settling in Abuja. We took this decision cos my job is far better and it can fend for us pending the time he'll be on his feet. I am presently staying wit an aunt but I'v started making plans of getting an accommodation. On second thought, I called him that since we intend settling down soon, It's better we rent a place for that purpose. He agreed to this. His initial plan was to stay with his friend or brother on arrival but when i brought up the idea of renting a place he felt he'll rather be there. My concern is this, when i raised d issue of paying the rent he said he doesnt have any money to contribute that he's totally flat. (He resigned last month so that he'll be in Abj in a couple of days time). This got me wondering, I hope I'm not going too far. What this means is that i will pay d rent alone and possibly furnish it alone. And you know, accomodtion is highly expensive here.

Before now, I'v had this nagging feeling of him being too comfortable with me footing my bills and his sometimes. This now compounds the whole thing. Personally, I need to rent a place cos I'm tired of squatting but should that be at no cost for him while I bear it all alone?

Kai, this economy is ruining relationships oh. Kai this one i dont know what to say, but i will advice you to rent a flat, i know how tiring it can be to squat even with the closest relation. I will advice you to rent the place after working hard you deserve to come to a place you can rest and be free. About you fiancee, i dont know what to say sha, i hope he gets a job soon. But explain futher, when he had a job, did he contribute no matter how little to your welfare, does he give small money for food, or buy you small gifts? or were you the one doing the giving

I WILL NOT ADVICE YOU TO RENT A PLACE FOR U BOTH FOR NOW COS THE WHOLE WEIGHT WILL SIT ON YOUR HEAD. . . Unless of course you guys are already married which you are not. . . Its only going to get harder for now.

My advice, remain where you are (with your aunt) and let him stay where he is (with his friends). This way, you guys can save up enuff money until he gets a proper job and you both can rent a place and afford a proper marriage.

Busta:

I WILL NOT ADVICE YOU TO RENT A PLACE FOR U BOTH FOR NOW COS THE WHOLE WEIGHT WILL SIT ON YOUR HEAD. . . Unless of course you guys are already married which you are not. . . Its only going to get harder for now.

My advice, remain where you are (with your aunt) and let him stay where he is (with his friends). This way, you guys can save up enuff money until he gets a proper job and you both can rent a place and afford a proper marriage.

She is squating with an Aunt, she is tired of squating, she works hard earns a lot she deserves to have a place she is comfortable,, I never said she should rent because of him but she should rent because she needs to enjoy the fruit of her labor, life is short, i know how fustrating it can be living under someones roofs especially if you are working, you come back all tired after dealing with diff kind of people and instead of getting to rest you still have to deal with a different set of pple with diff expectations. She does not deserve to put her life on hold till he gets a job.

aisha2:

She is squating with an Aunt, she is tired of squating, she works hard earns a lot she deserves to have a place she is comfortable,, I never said she should rent because of him but she should rent because she needs to enjoy the fruit of her labor, life is short, i know how fustrating it can be living under someones roofs especially if you are working, you come back all tired after dealing with diff kind of people and instead of getting to rest you still have to deal with a different set of pple with diff expectations. She does not deserve to put her life on hold till he gets a job.

True dat!

Then again, once she acquires the rent or a place, he will start coming by and proly move in with her since they are engaged and all. Then what happens? She is left to pay the bills, cook his food, give him moeny to job hunt around . . . it definately boils down to the same thing.

I definately know that liing with family can be very tedous. Then again she can squats with friends or maybe find a room mate.

I agree with aisha2 on this one.  It is not easy to squat with someone especially an older relative.  
Get your own place.  Now he has to move in with you since he resigned because of you.    
How was he when had a job?   He seems like a reasonable man by not encouraging you to get a place on your own.  If he is a good man, then give him sometime and he will catch up with you financially.  All the best to both of you.

///

refreshing:

Here is my situation.

I'v been in this relationship for about 5years now. We did our introduction a couple of weeks ago. We were both working in Lag but his job was a rather low paying one. Very low indeed but he was doing it in order not to be idle. Mine on the other hand was quite ok but when I got a transfer to Abuja, my pay was significantly increased.

We planned settling in Abuja. We took this decision cos my job is far better and it can fend for us pending the time he'll be on his feet. I am presently staying wit an aunt but I'v started making plans of getting an accommodation. On second thought, I called him that since we intend settling down soon, It's better we rent a place for that purpose. He agreed to this. His initial plan was to stay with his friend or brother on arrival but when i brought up the idea of renting a place he felt he'll rather be there. My concern is this, when i raised d issue of paying the rent he said he doesnt have any money to contribute that he's totally flat. (He resigned last month so that he'll be in Abj in a couple of days time). This got me wondering, I hope I'm not going too far. What this means is that i will pay d rent alone and possibly furnish it alone. And you know, accomodtion is highly expensive here.

Before now, I'v had this nagging feeling of him being too comfortable with me footing my bills and his sometimes. This now compounds the whole thing. Personally, I need to rent a place cos I'm tired of squatting but should that be at no cost for him while I bear it all alone?

girl you did think through the whole sitaution you asked him to join you meaning he will leave the job and yet there is not job for him in abuja so how is he going to pay the rent ?

Rent a place for YOU, even though both of you intend to live together.

You do not need to rent a larger crib simply because you anticipate better cashflow from his side later. Rent something you can afford and you folks can build from that. If he gets a job sooner, fine; more money in the bank for both of you. On the other hand, if things do not work out, you are still in a good position. If he did not move from Lagos, you'd still rent a crib, right? So go ahead and rent that same crib that you can afford. That's financial planning 101.

LMAO

Who is this Comfortmum guy or girl? 

Coming in here to toast in English and Spanish. LOL.

With all due respect, you bera sharaaaap there.   

Jesus!! WTF is it with women of these days. Can you not be there for your man when he's down? Small time una go begin shout about equality of the sexes. Listen. You are not going too far at all. Be there for your man when he's down and encourage him to do better.

You ladies want a ready made man, so does all other women. If all you want is a ready made man, be ready to deal with the fact that there will be a whole lot of other women he will be messing with. Otherwise, quit being so selfish and crying because you have to pay the rent for a few months. Jeez. I'm very successful and if I come across girls that are just looking for a ready made man, I will just chop, clean mouth and keep it moving. You can't reap where you did not sow. It's time for you to sow right now.

I never was one to rely on any woman for anything. But I'm in the U.S, the land of tremendous opportunities and I've done very well for myself. But not everyone is that fortunate. If you want a man that calls a woman his rock, it's because of situations like this when the woman was there for the man when he was down.

spikedcylinder:

Relationships are a two way thing nao! How comes women get to complain the most when the man is down but when the woman is sitting her lazy backside at home, buying Brazilian wigs and getting fat, no one hears the men complain.
From what you have said (about him working not to stay idle), I can guess that the man is not a silly man. He wants to work, he wants to earn a living and he wants to take care of himself and you but he simply cannot at the moment. He's not even the parasitic kind of man that will depend on his wife for everything. You are lucky, as far as I am concerned.
Please support your man at this critical moment especially if you believe as I do that he is not lazy. When he gets back on his feet, he will resume his 'duties' - whatever that means to y'all.

Spikedcylinder for the comment in bold, I offer to marry you tonight sharp sharp.

I am not in support of partners dependent on the other but would it have been wrong if the girl was the one without a job and the guy paying for him?

I cant depend on any woman and I dont expect any woman to depend on me

spikedcylinder:

Relationships are a two way thing nao! How comes women get to complain the most when the man is down but when the woman is sitting her lazy backside at home, buying Brazilian wigs and getting fat, no one hears the men complain.
From what you have said (about him working not to stay idle), I can guess that the man is not a silly man. He wants to work, he wants to earn a living and he wants to take care of himself and you but he simply cannot at the moment. He's not even the parasitic kind of man that will depend on his wife for everything. You are lucky, as far as I am concerned.
Please support your man at this critical moment especially if you believe as I do that he is not lazy. When he gets back on his feet, he will resume his 'duties' - whatever that means to y'all.

9ice 1 from spike

Whenever there is a downturn on the man side women are just here to cry but if it the other way round, we will hear nothing, that is when they will tell u whatever belongs to him is mine story. Now he is not having much, u guys decided to relocate to abuja. May be the Light will shine upon him in ABJ. I know it might not be his fault that he is still unemployed.

all this ranting from this women always leave me a question to ask, WHERE IS TRUE LOVE.

hey, heres blackman walahi! Remember? Wink wink!

hey, u guys are getting married whats the big deal, u even said ur job is good enuf to carry u both, think u shd be gud but well, i dont knw wat u guys think abt cohabiting before marriage,if u dnt mins, tgen, pls go ahead.u doin just good.i hv no doubt he would hv done the same.dont get tempted by ur current status.

aisha2:

Kai, this economy is ruining relationships oh. Kai this one i dont know what to say, but i will advice you to rent a flat, i know how tiring it can be to squat even with the closest relation. I will advice you to rent the place after working hard you deserve to come to a place you can rest and be free. About you fiancee, i dont know what to say sha, i hope he gets a job soon. But explain futher, when he had a job, did he contribute no matter how little to your welfare, does he give small money for food, or buy you small gifts? or were you the one doing the giving

I love the way you say 'kai', no offence, just dat you remind me of my childhood gf Hanifa.

@poster
Sorry for derailing ur thread.

Orton1_0:

I love the way you say 'kai', no offence, just dat you remind me of my childhood gf Hanifa.

she does, ehn.

Na wa oh . . . People sef!

@ Poster I don't know what your problem is. By your own admission, your fiance does not have the money now and you do. Why is that a problem that you'll rent and furnish the apartment? If the marriage doesn't work out the property is still yours. If it works out, better for you. If you fiance wants to laze around that's his problem. But dont even think of denying yourself the comfort you deserve because of him!

That being said, it's a bit alarming the increasing number of men who depend on women for their livelihood. I'm trying to imagine how a man will be so comfortable living in a woman's house without contributing a cent and I'm appauled. Apparently, men have sold their shame for a pot of porridge! Pity.

I don't no wether is fear of if i lose him will i get a husband cos these days girls are becoming very funny, it is not wrong if u are there when there was noting in a relationship but that does not mean u should now be the soul provider the law that says givers hands are always ontop is still there i don't expect u to allow him resigh from his job he could have being managing the job while u guys work towards his getting one in Abuja i don't usualy advise woman to spend money for thier guys cos it encourages lazyness do u no the meaning of marriage? if u eva pay for that accomodation u will continue till enternity he is not even ready to contribute even if it is 5k wat are u looking for advise for just no that after now u will beer the whole finacial bordens inculding the children's skol fees

@poster i understand your fears and concern but you have already gone too far why did he need to resign when you havnt married.you should have allwd him to continue to hustle until the wedding is done.
Jobs are not easily available so what is he to be doing in abj since he left his job in Lagos.

You said urself u are tired of squatting.I do understand if you were getting a crib for just you it will be smaller but now you are thinking of u,hubby and kids.so the cost is higher and abuja is no cheap place.
Do not make sacrifices you are not comfortable with it will eventually lead to resentment on your part and who knws how it will affect your r/ship.

no matter how low paying his job was surely he has some savings somewhere. Totally flat indeed.

LOL! This goes to show that women are comfortable with footing the bills right off the bat. Give your husband to be a chance to get a job. Don't be too quick to crucify him just yet. Relax

Tanks to u all for your responses. At least I now have diff views to the situation. Well, maybe d decision of him quiting his job was rather fast. But tell me a job that u'v been at for over a year and u have no saving, is it of any good. Although, I thought he was able to save something (based on our initial agreement &plan) that was why I was surprised when he was not forthcoming about the rent issue. Well, I cant picture marriage with that kind of a job.

For those who felt I am complaining just because of my fiance present financial state. No, I have always been footing my bills myself and I dont ask him because i kno he cant giv what he doesnt have. Infact, I dont see anything wrong in me helping him out when the need arises. Though, years back (when we just started) he used to be supportive and willing to give cos he was better off. I am just worried that he wouldnt get used to the idea of me being the doer even when he his financially stable.

Omo, d housing will drain me sha o. It's not easy

Tanks

Hi refreshing,
I read your original post and then this recent one, and some things stood out strongly to me:
[list]
[li]You had jointly agreed that you would settle in Abuja, and you would be able to foot the bills until he finds his footing financially, and this led to the joint? decision that he resign his job and join you in Abuja.  I want to believe that you discussed the issue of accommodation and where/how you would both live/survive[/li]
[li]You say that he was initially financially well off when you started dating, and he was forthcoming with money to you then[/li]
[/list]

I was wondering, how long have you been in Abuja, why did you guys make the decision for him to move NOW and when are you planning to tie the knot?
If he is leaving his job and relocating to Abuja because of your relationship and discussions, I don't believe that he would expect anyone to squat him indefinitely; more so, who should be able to tolerate living him indefinitely, more than you?
This is not the time to think of it as who is paying for what,  you can get a small, but comfortable place for yourself, where he will also stay, and you can take things from there.  Of course, it will be much better if he had a job waiting for him in Abuja, before moving over.  You know that this exact thing could as well have happened after marriage, what would you do in such a situation?

On a final note, please, please and PLEASE ensure that you have some savings at every period, and above all, have faith.

refreshing:

Tanks to u all for your responses. At least I now have diff views to the situation. Well, maybe d decision of him quiting his job was rather fast. But tell me a job that u'v been at for over a year and u have no saving, is it of any good. Although, I thought he was able to save something (based on our initial agreement &plan) that was why I was surprised when he was not forthcoming about the rent issue. Well, I cant picture marriage with that kind of a job.

For those who felt I am complaining just because of my fiance present financial state. No, I have always been footing my bills myself and I dont ask him because i kno he cant giv what he doesnt have. Infact, I dont see anything wrong in me helping him out when the need arises. Though, years back (when we just started) he used to be supportive and willing to give cos he was better off. I am just worried that he wouldnt get used to the idea of me being the doer even when he his financially stable.

Omo, d housing will drain me sha o. It's not easy

Tanks

Please go ahead. things will get better, he also feels bad now for not being able to contribute. In our very early days i was d one with money, even though i was in school but i did most of the providing, and i ve never regreted it. What am agiansgt is these leaches we now have around who will meet a lady and in a few months start asking for loans for some shady businesses. but this is a man you know, love and ve built something ogood with, support him now, things will get better. When my parents were getting married, my mum was from a rich family, my dada was dirt poor, to cover his shame she bought most of the "Kayan gyara" (clothes the groom will buy and present to the brides family) and hid it in the boxes he was bringing, when he came with his family to present the box, he said he was feeling ashamed because he knew the box was scanty but to his greatest suprise he saw so many things and he knew what she had done. i tell you he bought her a gift everyday for the over 30 years they were married, he spent all the time making her happy because she stood by him. We still have good men and if you have built something good with him, go ahead and give him ur support, he needs you

@aisha2

Me likey your story. Especially the part where your dad showed appreciation later.

Ujujoan:

That being said, it's a bit alarming the increasing number of men who depend on women for their livelihood. I'm trying to imagine how a man will be so comfortable living in a woman's house without contributing a cent and I'm appauled. Apparently, men have sold their shame for a pot of porridge! Pity.

For someone who preaches gender equality, How come you didnt have a problem with over 5,000 yrs where women have depended solely on their men for their livelihood without contributing a cent.

If men have sold their shame, Should we agree that women from time immemorial are born without any shame.

Cos a girl wont blink twice before she asks you for 1million Naira

spikedcylinder:

Relationships are a two way thing nao! How comes women get to complain the most when the man is down but when the woman is sitting her lazy backside at home, buying Brazilian wigs and getting fat, no one hears the men complain.
From what you have said (about him working not to stay idle), I can guess that the man is not a silly man. He wants to work, he wants to earn a living and he wants to take care of himself and you but he simply cannot at the moment. He's not even the parasitic kind of man that will depend on his wife for everything. You are lucky, as far as I am concerned.
Please support your man at this critical moment especially if you believe as I do that he is not lazy. When he gets back on his feet, he will resume his 'duties' - whatever that means to y'all.

Best post of 2011 thus far.

Poster, support your man in anyway you can. Na condition make crayfish bend. I pray the Good LORD to sustain you both. It shall be well with by God`s grace. Amen

You are reconsidering now that he has quit his job? Why didn't you think about that earlier b4 you both agreed to move to abuja.
Be there for your man and stop whining!