Hi there,

This issue has been giving me a serious thoughts and I think I should know whats your take on this.

I am a working class dude, who is in a relationship and would be working down the aisle in some months' time. My girl just graduated, waiting for NYSC.

My family and I stays in a 5-bedroom flat, though my dad is late and we are a family of four. I was thinking, should WE go ahead with the wedding plans, while she stays with me in my family house, pending when I get a place of my own OR WE should wait till I get my own place before we can start making wedding plans?

Thanks in advance!!

Bro, it all depends but I will advise you to wait a bit and get your own place before getting married. The first years of marriage are very critical because that is when you really discover each other so it is not ideal to have have three of your family members around especially in a house that is not yours. Your wife will hardly feel free in the house and you guys may not be as expressive as you should both be. I dont know how old both of you are but if you both are not too old why dont you just get your own place first and the get married.

Timing is very key in marriage and you need to be ready. Also make sure you are financially able to get married and raise a family too before starting. you guys are going to live together forever so why the rush? Abi is she expecting?

Wait till u get a place of your own,newly weds nEed their time alone

where will she stay in the house? in one of the rooms or is it a winged off structure

How many people are in the house aside you and your mum

what are your own short to meduim term plans for a place of your own

Why does she need to stay with you before the wedding and what does where she stays now have to do with making plans?

.....or i'm the one who isn't getting exactly what the dilemma is?

If what you mean is making plans for the wedding and getting a house concurrently. Well its not a bad idea but it will be improper to get married with your wife in your mother's house.

In all of your plans, make sure that you do not stay with your siblings and mum after wedding. Your wife must be with you in your apartment. If its about the financial resources, guess you can still exercise a little bit patience to plan for a better tomorrow.

It is well with you

Nashville:

Timing is very key in marriage and you need to be ready. Also make sure you are financially able to get married and raise a family too before starting. you guys are going to live together forever so why the rush? Abi is she expecting?

Thanks bro.

As per the rushing aspect. She is a vir.gin and we have not consummate for a very long time.
We are quite young, so the issue of raising a family won't be a rush.

I dont think you have worked long enough and hard enough to get married. You dont have a house, most likely cannot support another mouth or feed another mouth comfortably at the moment. Is your wife-to-be a virgin because she wants to get married quick. Or a Virgin because she is waiting or the right time and the right man. If she has waited this long, she can wait a bit more. She can get a job, and you both can save and get accommodation before getting married.

steph7: Wait till u get a place of your own,newly weds nEed their time alone

If i want to go by your words, there's a secluded room in the house where we can have time for ourselves.
Let me know if i misquote you.


On a second thought,Its the traditional wedding i am talking about. The white wedding would come up later after her service.

biolabee: where will she stay in the house? in one of the rooms or is it a winged off structure

How many people are in the house aside you and your mum

what are your own short to meduim term plans for a place of your own

Thanks.
To your question,,,
1. In one of the rooms.

2. My elder bro and my younger bro, with my sister. But my mum DON'T sleep alone in her room, ever since the demise of my dad.

3. I planned getting a place of my own before the white wedding.

slimyem: Why does she need to stay with you before the wedding and what does where she stays now have to do with making plans?

.....or i'm the one who isn't getting exactly what the dilemma is?

Bro, I am not, in any way, saying she stays with me BEFORE the wedding. I meant AFTER.
My question is should she stay with me, in my family house AFTER the traditional wedding OR I should chill, pending when i secure my own place before making any wedding plans.

^^ was just about to ask you to answer Biola's questions first.

So you have 2 bedrooms to yourselves yes? And have you thought bout cooking arrangement or how is she gonna cook for you and do her wifey duties she's been longing for? Or you want her to cook for everybody?

Also are you ready to set boundaries based on respect and personal space between her and your women( mom& sister)? I know it's tough but that's part if your duty to have your woman's back and be diplomatic during conflicts cos it'll happen trust me.

What's her reaction to this arrangement you're about to put her into?

IdealHubby:

If i want to go by your words, there's a secluded room in the house where we can have time for ourselves.
Let me know if i misquote you.


On a second thought,Its the traditional wedding i am talking about. The white wedding would come up later after her service.

Its not about that Kind of time alone, I am referring to . during marriage, u get to know things about your partner that both parties may not have known during courtship, so the essence of being alone to know your selves better, having other people around may not make the whole processes easier and yes u need space to explore yourself and checking if mama can hear her moans and screams

bellong: If what you mean is making plans for the wedding and getting a house concurrently. Well its not a bad idea but it will be improper to get married with your wife in your mother's house.

In all of your plans, make sure that you do not stay with your siblings and mum after wedding. Your wife must be with you in your apartment. If its about the financial resources, guess you can still exercise a little bit patience to plan for a better tomorrow.

It is well with you

Thanks.

I planned getting a place of my own before she finished her NYSC. Do the same rule applies, whether traditional or White wedding?

If you get a place of your own, then there is no problem. You can move in there together after the wedding so far you have a job good enough to cater for your needs.

It is well with your plans

baby_123: I dont think you have worked long enough and hard enough to get married. You dont have a house, most likely cannot support another mouth or feed another mouth comfortably at the moment. Is your wife-to-be a virgin because she wants to get married quick. Or a Virgin because she is waiting or the right time and the right man. If she has waited this long, she can wait a bit more. She can get a job, and you both can save and get accommodation before getting married.

And how do you know I can't feed another mouth? ?.. Because I can't get a flat of my own?
Pls, that's a vague conclusion. I intend getting a very confortable place for us.

Waiting until she gets a job and starts saving for the marriage would definitely be a long wait.

jidegirl12: ^^ was just about to ask you to answer Biola's questions first.

So you have 2 bedrooms to yourselves yes? And have you thought bout cooking arrangement or how is she gonna cook for you and do her wifey duties she's been longing for? Or you want her to cook for everybody?

Also are you ready to set boundaries based on respect and personal space between her and your women( mom& sister)? I know it's tough but that's part if your duty to have your woman's back and be diplomatic during conflicts cos it'll happen trust me.

What's her reaction to this arrangement you're about to put her into?

Nice questions!..

1. There's a store room close to my room,which can be coverted to a kitchen.

2. YES!.. I am a principled person. My mum knows me for this. Though, she is 5months older than my sister, I have noticed they respect each other. They happened to finish frm the same varsity.

Funny enough, Her family and I have been close friends for a while even before I get to know her and we started dating before she gained admission.

3. NO. I haven't. I need to THOROUGHLY convince her of my intended action and assure her that i got her back........and front inclusive...#lol

Thanks.

bellong: If you get a place of your own, then there is no problem. You can move in there together after the wedding so far you have a job good enough to cater for your needs.

It is well with your plans

Thanks bro. I appreciate your response.

IdealHubby:

Thanks.
To your question,,,
1. In one of the rooms.

2. My elder bro and my younger bro, with my sister. But my mum DON'T sleep alone in her room, ever since the demise of my dad.

3. I planned getting a place of my own before the white wedding.

dude.. too many people and from experience you need at least two rooms and only one external person
external here means your mum

This arrangemewnt is used when finances is an issue or you have started your project and want to move to your own home straight without renting
since they are all there and you cant move ur sister or brother out.. hold on as per the weddings

Your woman has to be the one running things or at least have only MIL as stress point
with two other people (three stress points) that one na waya ooo

My advice for U̶̲̥̅̊ is to wait till U̶̲̥̅̊ hav Ūя own apartment. If she moves in wit U̶̲̥̅̊ to Ūя family house, she can neva b comfortable. There ar tins D̶̲̥̅̊α̇̇̇̊τ̣̣̥ on a normal day, she can do in her house, bt in Ūя family house, she'll hav 2 reconsider. And again ℓ̊ 'm sure U̶̲̥̅̊ dn't want a situation whereby dere'll b quarrel(s) between Ūя wife n any member of Ūя family.
So pls wait.

steph7: Its not about that Kind of time alone, I am referring to . during marriage, u get to know things about your partner that both parties may not have known during courtship, so the essence of being alone to know your selves better, having other people around may not make the whole processes easier and yes u need space to explore yourself and checking if mama can hear her moans and screams

Lool..
Now, I am getting the hang of it.

For the meantime, we could turn up the music when being romantic na. Maybe that would work.

But I would surely get a place of my own before the white wedding.
Thanks.

IdealHubby:

Nice questions!..

1. There's a store room close to my room,which can be coverted to a kitchen.

2. YES!.. I am a principled person. My mum knows me for this. Though, she is 5months older than my sister, I have noticed they respect each other. They happened to finish frm the same varsity.

Funny enough, Her family and I have been close friends for a while even before I get to know her and we started dating before she gained admission.

3. NO. I haven't. I need to THOROUGHLY convince her of my intended action and assure her that i got her back........and front inclusive...#lol

Thanks.

Then perfect! You're good to go then , kitchen is very important appurtenance kinda for women lol. Like our home office. lol

I wish you luck convincing her tho lol and as long as you're ready to have her back , nothing else matters, Rome wasn't built in a day , no biggie as long as there's cordial respect, it is well with you and congratulations on your union.

*clears throat* I know this is your choice but ain't you supposed to do your church wedding before you know the do do?

biolabee:

dude.. too many people and from experience you need at least two rooms and only one external person
external here means your mum

This arrangemewnt is used when finances is an issue or you have started your project and want to move to your own home straight without renting
since they are all there and you cant move ur sister or brother out.. hold on as per the weddings

Your woman has to be the one running things or at least have only MIL as stress point
with two other people (three stress points) that one na waya ooo

Says who??

So its now a requirement for everybody in Nigeria to have your own place before getting married? Explains children out of wedlock phenomenon then.

biolabee:

dude.. too many people and from experience you need at least two rooms and only one external person
external here means your mum

This arrangemewnt is used when finances is an issue or you have started your project and want to move to your own home straight without renting
since they are all there and you cant move ur sister or brother out.. hold on as per the weddings

Your woman has to be the one running things or at least have only MIL as stress point
with two other people (three stress points) that one na waya ooo

Bros, I mentioned two bedrooms in my one of my post na,,,and we all have our separate rooms. my younga bro and sister are co-operativ. I trust them on this. The problem here is my elder bro.
I would discuss that with my mum, in coming to a compromise.

As its obvious, finance is the bane here.

Running things? She is still tidying up her project work in school and clearance too.

IdealHubby:


Bros, I mentioned two bedrooms in my one of my post na,,,and we all have our separate rooms. my younga bro and sister are co-operativ. I trust them on this. The problem here is my elder bro.
I would discuss that with my mum, in coming to a compromise.

As its obvious, finance is the bane here.

Running things? She is still tidying up her project work in school and clearance too.

when i said 2 rooms, i mean two dedicated rooms that will be under you and her control not a room that will be converted to a guest room when big uncle steps in
More importantly there are two persons too many for a woman to have some measure of peace

if finance is a key issue, hold on and save some before u take that step

soon family pressure will come in to start parenting...

danjkad: My advice for U̶̲̥̅̊ is to wait till U̶̲̥̅̊ hav Ūя own apartment. If she moves in wit U̶̲̥̅̊ to Ūя family house, she can neva b comfortable. There ar tins D̶̲̥̅̊α̇̇̇̊τ̣̣̥ on a normal day, she can do in her house, bt in Ūя family house, she'll hav 2 reconsider. And again ℓ̊ 'm sure U̶̲̥̅̊ dn't want a situation whereby dere'll b quarrel(s) between Ūя wife n any member of Ūя family.
So pls wait.

I get your point and based on how well i know her, she would want to site this same reason.

She respects my family and vice--versa.
However, this is a short-term idea which I have to convince her to agree with me, pending when I get a place of my own, followed by the white wedding.

Its really not easy, not being intimate with the one you love, for so long a time and stil have to wait further for everything to be settled.

OP,

You can afford to feed your woman, but cannot afford a roof over your head. You are funny sha. You know when you have another mouth to feed, all your expenses now double. I don't believe this post sha, because when people say something, you have a response. Everyone has said the same thing. As for the woman, because of marriage and S*ex she will dive straight in. Later she will come on NL, claiming her family members are witches trying to kill her and no one likes her. Or shouting ultimatums and fightimg others.. Eni ri nkan he!

OP,

Rent an apartment and let your wife get a job/an income before you marry her.

Dont marry her into your family house cos women being what they are would find a way to fight over everything.

And also is your income sufficient to care for 3 people conveniently?

Are you currently assisting your family financially, Would that continue after marriage without hampering your new family finances?

Best advice I would give you is to wait and rent a house far away from your family before you get married

If na Konji dey hol you tell me your area Some people on NL fit hook you up with some o sho free

Konji can be resolved within a few minutes, Marriage is lifelong.

Dont get into a lifelong issue because you want to resolve some minute long problem

^^^ I'm not par of everyone and I don't see what the big deal is for temporary stay perhaps .... why is everybody so touchy and no more tolerance? What is the big deal as long as I have my own kitchen and my bedroom is merged with my living room?

Or she's not gonna share kitchen and bathroom at the face me and face you and even Share chores too with crazier co- tenants?

The key point here is Respect and the man having his wife's back hence clean cut boundaries . My take sha.... all fingers are not equal, not everybody will afford a duplex after marriage, lets be real here with Naija situation.

jidegirl12:

Says who??

So its now a requirement for everybody in Nigeria to have your own place before getting married? Explains children out of wedlock phenomenon then.

it is HIGHLY recommended but not compulsory
To each his own