Whose right is it to choose the wedding location?
Folks I’m in a dilemma here. I and my fiancé are planning to get married sometime this year and we have both agreed to have our wedding at Onitsha where my fiancé family comes from originally. I’m from Aba and my family lives in Aba as well. We are both based in US are planning to have have the traditional and white wedding at the same location so as to reduce the inconveniences of travelling from one point to another,risk and cost.

My mum has been very happy of my choice of wife until I  informed her that the wedding will not be holding in Aba and it has been war ever since!!!. Dad is late and she is my primary contact in naija for everything and has refused to move her foot except I have the wedding in Aba.

My question is who has the final call for a wedding location?  And how best can I handle the situation cus I’ve tried severally to convince my mum to come round but she has bluntly refused to bulge and threatened not to even attend the wedding if her wishes are not satisfied.

My fiancé as well is not happy about the situation as she thinks she is not welcome in my family. I’m at the risk of lossing at both ends if I don’t handle the situation well.

Any good advise is welcome! Thanks peeps

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Traditionally, culturally, legally and otherwise, it is believed that as a man that u are, you are going into a woman's house to ask for her hand in marriage from her family/parents. So therefore, its the wife or her family that would choose the location. I hope I have been able to help?

Cheers

huh? weddings are held at the brides home and church! Im sure your mother knows that as well.
She is behaving quite childishly not to help simply because the wedding will be held elsewhere- is this how she will behave throughout? if so i suggest you find someone else that will plan your wedding for you while you sort these issues out! to avoid delay due to your mothers tantrums!

Its the bride and her families final decision to chose where the wedding will be held, because as from that time she will leave her family to join you. It doesnt make sense for her father to hand her over to you in your house.

Just to add a little bit more infor. The traditional wedding will be held in the brides home and that cannot be changed as its our culture but the white wedding in her town is the issue here. My mum's reason is that the wedding is supposed to take place in the groom's place and nothing more. Not our traditon and she thinks I'm favouring my in-laws at her expense by doing that. I don't want to change my mind to have it in my home town all because she wants it there and then have my wife nag me for the rest of my life cus of it. I think I matured enough to make my decisions and it doesn't have to satisfy everybody's wishes all the time. Thanks for the people that have replied so far and expecting to hear more opinions.

I think the wedding holds at the grooms place in Igbo culture, so that may be the reason your mom is insisting on having the wedding in Aba. Having it somewhere else could be perceived as shameful. What you need to do is clarify the culture aspect. If indeed, your culture dictates that it be held in the grooms place, then you and your wife should see reason with your mom.

Which Igbo culture? I have never seen it done that way. It is always from the brides compound. I can see how your mom might be a little desperate. Where your mom needs to be careful is not trying to force her son to do a "chose between me and your wife's family thing". I think she might be caught up in the whole he is marrying a wife but this is the opportunity I have to show that whole family HE IS MY SON. Unfortunately many mother in laws do not realize that when they do this they are sowing a seed. You have to find a way to let your mother know that you are going to "collect" the girl before this turns into a choose between us thing.

@Poster,Onitsha traditional marriages are usually very affordable,the babes are simply the best,congrats
Reach a compromise,do the trad at Onitsha and have ur white wedding at Aba.This might be unpopular with arguments like its ur day and wedding but pls,neither u nor ur wife wud love the aggro that wud accompany this lil'monster problem if its not treated with wisdom and compromise.
You and urs have been looking forward to ur wedding,so also is ur mum.Find a way to squeeze her in,have the white wedding at Aba.
Talk with ur wife . . .I hope she wud understand.Goodluck in ur marriage.

odikwa serious o. i faced the same prob too wen my father inlaw 2 be insisted that d church wedding is going to take place in their own church and not mine, at first, i did not like it, (am yoruba he is igbo), cos in yoruba it has always bin d woman's church, cos we believe that after d wedding she will start attending her husby's church fully, and as a result they will like to honour her for d last time in her own church, for where, my father inlaw to be did not agree o, but thank God that my pple ar not xtains o, it would not have bin easy at all, they dey ar not even bothered if its gonna be in my church or hes. my bro, pls talk to yr woman, she is d only one i think u can convince on dis issue for peace to rain. how many mins ar u guys going to spend in d church afterall? and tank God u ar not going to be leaving in naija after yr wedding. u can always choose whichever church u so wish to attend after yr wedding, dat shld not be anybody's business, except u as d man insisted dat u must attend a particular church. wish u luck jare, e no easy o.

A friend of mine is also having a similar problem now. Her parents reside in Epe,an outskirt of Lagos, the bride and groom wants to hold the wedding in Lagos since most of the family membes reside in Lagos and even the bride's mum wants it to hold in Lagos,saying, she wants to have a feel of having a party in Lagos, but alas, the bride's father and some of her siblings are saying no, its really sad, yes, we know, it's the parents wedding but the couple's marriage, they can decide on major things concerning the wedding but they shud also be considerate since the wedding's decision is the couples'

In igbo land, the groom's place is the right place for the white wedding, but i suggest both of you sld sit down and dicuss it like two adults that you are. Another thing you sld put into considertion is are you two going to travel all the way to Aba from osha after the wedding?? i think is better you do it very close to where you are going to have your honey moon. Your decision anyway.

Genius100:

I think the wedding holds at the grooms place in Igbo culture, so that may be the reason your mom is insisting on having the wedding in Aba. Having it somewhere else could be perceived as shameful. What you need to do is clarify the culture aspect. If indeed, your culture dictates that it be held in the grooms place, then you and your wife should see reason with your mom.

Thank you very much Genius100, OUTSTRIP pls which planet do u come from? all this Americanas self.

Nnajide:

Whose right is it to choose the wedding location?
Folks I’m in a dilemma here. I and my fiancé are planning to get married sometime this year and we have both agreed to have our wedding at Onitsha where my fiancé family comes from originally. I’m from Aba and my family lives in Aba as well. We are both based in US are planning to have have the traditional and white wedding at the same location so as to reduce the inconveniences of travelling from one point to another,risk and cost.

My mum has been very happy of my choice of wife until I  informed her that the wedding will not be holding in Aba and it has been war ever since!!!. Dad is late and she is my primary contact in naija for everything and has refused to move her foot except I have the wedding in Aba.

My question is who has the final call for a wedding location?  And how best can I handle the situation cus I’ve tried severally to convince my mum to come round but she has bluntly refused to bulge and threatened not to even attend the wedding if her wishes are not satisfied.

My fiancé as well is not happy about the situation as she thinks she is not welcome in my family. I’m at the risk of lossing at both ends if I don’t handle the situation well.

Any good advise is welcome! Thanks peeps

Dude, You are the MAN, Its your wedding and your life
All due respect to your Mum, but if she gets her way on this issue
she will start to gain a foothold in your marriage and upset things.

If you want the wedding in Onisha, then do it there,

If your Mum causes to much of a stir and problems before the wedding
just MARRY YOUR "SWEET-HEART" in the USA!!! Nuff Said,

This is a very serious simple issue.  Please and please don't bring up the issue that  you are a man of your own that you can take your own decision. Sorry you got it all wrong. Traditional marriages are done at  the Brides home and white wedding at the grooms place. The white wedding church is normally   @ the grooms church/home. For any reason to change this custom, the groom or brides parent concent must be sort, if they refuse, for a win win situation, you should spare time to do your engagement at Onitsha and white wedding at Aba.

Nnajide:

Whose right is it to choose the wedding location?

My mum has been very happy of my choice of wife until I  informed her that the wedding will not be holding in Aba and it has been war ever since!!!. Dad is late and she is my primary contact in naija for everything and has refused to move her foot except I have the wedding in Aba.

Dude this is where the problem is rooted

1 - Your Mum is the Primary Contact or main person you trust in
Naija for things.

2 - Your Mum had to consent to your choice of wife.

3 - Your mum is taken advantage of the fact that she is
the "hegemon" in your life and is trying to dictate
where your marry, this can lead to further issues, trust me Dude
i been there and if you dont be polite and firm with the
"2nd Most Important woman in your life (Your Mum)", you will have on-going issues and trust me you do not want a war of attrition between your NO 1 Lady (Your Wife) and your NO.2 Lady (Your Mum).

Your Mum was No.1 before you met your "Sweet-heart"(Your Wife) and now Mum must step down and be No.2 (Thats not always easy but Dude it has to happen) for Your New No.1 is gonna be there long after your previous No.1 has departed this life on Earth(a.k.a,Your Mum has gone to Heaven).

4 - Your New No.1 (Your Bride, Your Wife, The 1st Love of your Life, Your Rock, Your Help-meet) is already feeling not wanted, DUDE YOU CANNOT ALLOW THIS TO BE!
As when a woman does not feel safe or wanted it affects her emotionally,
SO U MUST PROVE TO YOUR "SPECIAL ONE" YOUR WIFE!! That you have respect and love for your Mum but she is now No.2 and Your wife is No.1,


DUDE THIS IS A TEST TO SEE IF YOUR FOUNDATION FOR YOUR COVENANT RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR WIFE IS STRONG!!! PASS IT DUDE WITH AN A+++,  FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION!!!

I think you guys are missing one important aspect, cost and convenience. Doing the wedding in Aba means having two ceremonies while doing it in Onitsha means only one ceremony as the wedding reception will also be the traditional wedding. I like the arrangement because as much as we may want to say wedding day is a very special day, its also good to consider the cost and life after. Your mum is only been selfish(which is human) because she wants it in Aba so all her friends will be in attendance and she can show off. You have to try to make her understand the cost and convenience part and also tell her this would afford her opportunity to know who is really her friend as those are the ones who would be prepared to make the trip to Onitsha. And moreover its only for one day, so even if your wife's family wins this, you are going to be winning from there because you are taking her away. She is going to be staying in Aba whenever you guys are around.etc. Her parents have to take excuse when they want to come see their own daughter! Oh, i love Africa.

I think u and ur mum are right (as 80% of the weddings in Igboland the groom decides where to do it) . However while it will be hard for u to convince her (mum) is that both of you are not based in Onitsha.
I will rather suggest that you do a low key traditional in Osha, few family members in attendance(cos of xpense) , pay d bride price and now do ur white wedding in Aba. cos u r d man of the house thats d point shes trying to tell u and not that she wants to take over ur home.

Try also ask ur wife while she doesnt want the wedding to be in Aba? at least I have given you a leeway as per xpenses.

Dude, You are the MAN, Its your wedding and your life
All due respect to your Mum, but if she gets her way on this issue
she will start to gain a foothold in your marriage and upset things.

If you want the wedding in Onisha, then do it there,

If your Mum causes to much of a stir and problems before the wedding
just MARRY YOUR "SWEET-HEART" in the USA!!! Nuff Said,

This is a very bad advice. He is heading for a trouble if he overlooks his mums wish .  He has to appeal, appease and plead with his mum. i have seen a situation where a guys mums died as a result of this kind of issue. They lady could not stand the issolation that ensured after their wedding and the marriage never survived it. This are real life issues that requires a lot of wisdom. He should show his wife love but not when she is asking for  Stephens head.

i thought it is always at the disposal of the bridal family

Have you ever watched the film "Our family wedding"? One comment strikes me there: "it is your marriage, but their wedding". Bring the two families together and let them decide. But in Nigeria it is usually the Bride's family that decides,

Youngman, i wish u d very best.

I understand ur mum completely cos it is a shameful thing for it to be said dat the bride dragged the groom to her place to get married. Usually, the grooms people are either late or very poor for them to accede to that request (Not my views oooo).

Have u considered doing a small Church wedding in Aba and den using the traditional wedding in Onicha as the reception? People have done it before. The only thing is dat u should pay d bride price on an earlieer date so dat dere wont be too many things to do on dat day. Dats my suggestion.

Try 2 manage this issue with ur mum, if ur too rigid, she and ur wife might be at loggerheads forever. Apply wisdom.

Who is paying for the wedding?
Why let people that are obviously not going to be in your marriage dictate?
If it gets outta hand then sit your behind down in USA and get hitched.
Geez, we worry/fight over insignificant things. Thank the good lord she is not pissed about her being from a different part of town.
Na real wa

The main problem I might be sensing is that since both of you are based in America, your mother in Aba might not really know your bride to be even 40%, so how can she allow her son to just marry someone that she doesn't really know and might give trouble in future. Talk to your mum, and find out why?

luvers livin outa naija seems nt 2 alwayz be on same page with one another, is it all abt ego or too much monie?

Another dumb thread. Such a non issue should not even be a topic of discussion. Marriage is all about COMPROMISE, especially concerning non-issues like this.

comechop:

Another dumb thread. Such a non issue should not even be a topic of discussion. Marriage is all about COMPROMISE, especially concerning non-issues like this.

@ MR Wiseman "Come Chop" . Can you give you advise and solution since you know it all. What do you mean by compromise in this case?

The proper thing is to do the trad at the girls hometown and the wedding at the guy's home. Aba is too far from Onitsha for you guys to manage that in the same day. Your mum has to be realistic.

If she insists, then you have no choice but to do them on seperate days. It's not too much a sacrifice to make for your mum.

pls my bro try and be very diplomatic about dis, in igbo culture the brides family"choice stops after d traditional wedding every other decision belongs 2 d grooms family. fixing de white wedding in the brides town probably in her church is like a slight 2 ur family. just try and carry her along probable hold de wedding in a de onithsa branch of her church.

try 2 carry ur mum along in ur plans and hold de white wedding in a branch of ur mum' CHURCH in onitsha

I was hoping someone will come here and say I was wrong that traditionally Igbo women find their husbands not the other way round. How can you say traditionally in igbo custom the church wedding is done in the grooms town. Since when did "white weddings" become Igbo custom. Someone is even calling me america and in the same paragraph contradicting themselves. Just say it has been the popular thing to do so that there will be some sort of compromise not that it is Igbo custom. That is just plain senseless.

Please make the sacrifice for your mom.