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Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Family / Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? (31782 Views)
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|Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by PowerOfLove: 10:07am On May 24, 2020|
So I was thinking about my family extensively and how we are not united at all. I can remember one person in the family that used to call for family meeting and get together every year. The man died almost 20yrs ago when I was still growing up and since then, there's no time again members of the family have all gathered to meet, greet and chart the way forward concerning the family extensively. May be he was able to achieve that because he was rich and respected.
Now, the only time we meet is if there's a burial, a ceremony or any gathering that would force people to attend and in most cases, the married ones don't come with their kids. I mean this is a very bad pace set for the new generation we are breeding today.
My two kids (3rd is 3 months old), outside my sister and her kids whom we are staying in the same city, my kids have not been able to meet other kids from my nephew and nieces and relatives generally and familiarize with them. This is giving me reasons to worry about as my kids may see their cousins on the road tomorrow and pass without knowing they are cousins. In worst case, what if in the future they meet and happen to be in a relationship without knowing they are related? Nollywood movie. Lol.
However, I'm thinking on how I can reunite the family such that once in a while, members of the family will come with their kids and we all gather, meet ourselves, greet and familiarize with each other but how to go about is what I lack exact knowledge on.
Any suggestions will be appreciated. Meanwhile, is this kind of disunity also happening in your family? How often do you guys meet yourselves in your extended family? Share your experiences.
|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by Yenefer(f): 10:15am On May 24, 2020|
Hate to break it to you, try your best for God sake. it's like part of human evolution there's nothing you can do that will reverse this trend. Money can temporary unite them but as soon as money disappears it will be Worse.
Chamath Palihapitiya, former vice-president of user growth, expressed regret for his part in building tools that destroy ‘the social fabric of how society works’
“tremendous guilt” over his work on “tools that are ripping apart the social fabric of how society works”, joining a growing chorus of critics of the social media giants.
“The short-term, dopamine-driven feedback loops that we have created are destroying how society works. No civil discourse, no cooperation, misinformation, mistruth.”
“This is not about Russian ads,” he added. “This is a global problem. It is eroding the core foundations of how people behave by and between each other.”
“exploit[s] a vulnerability in human psychology” by creating a “social-validation feedback loop”
Parker had said that he was “something of a conscientious objector” to using social media, a stance echoed by Palihapitiya who said that he was now hoping to use the money he made at Facebook to do good in the world.
“I can’t control them,” Palihapitiya said of his former employer. “I can control my decision, which is that I don’t use that shit. I can control my kids’ decisions, which is that they’re not allowed to use that shit.”
He also called on his audience to “soul-search” about their own relationship to social media. “Your behaviors, you don’t realize it, but you are being programmed,” he said. “It was unintentional, but now you gotta decide how much you’re going to give up, how much of your intellectual independence.”
“That’s what we’re dealing with,” Palihapitiya said. “Imagine when you take that to the extreme where bad actors can now manipulate large swaths of people to do anything you want. It’s just a really, really bad state of affairs.”
We are been programmed and destroying family values is one of there primary objectives
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|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by dawnomike(m): 10:35am On May 24, 2020|
You can try if you have the financial means to host everyone... But family gatherings is a culture that is fast eroding as stated by @yenefer.
The world is now on a fast pace
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|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by Davash222(m): 10:44am On May 24, 2020|
This is how a normal average family should be. The nephews and nieces will know themselves better on social media.
|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by Acidosis(m): 10:48am On May 24, 2020|
Interesting observation. I believe the more we interact with people on the social media/telephone/internet, the less we miss or see the need to meet them.
Some relatives will hardly want to travel with their kids for a social or family gathering of 20 people when they can simply upload photos of their kids and gather 200 likes, with 50 comments on Facebook. More on Insta and Twitter.
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|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by RoyalBlu(f): 10:49am On May 24, 2020|
Solid observation OP.
I won't lie, this worries me at times.
In my own case, my kids are only familiar with my immediate family members, siblings, and close in-laws and their kids.
The extended family is gradually fading off, sad to say. And tbt, unpleasant life experiences, bad blood and the 'village people' syndrome is to be blamed largely for this.
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|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by Ajibade123(m): 10:58am On May 24, 2020|
reunite ko...who cares in this Facebook and Instagram world I have more than 20 different cousins and I have never met anyone of them
4 Likes 2 Shares
|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by Hathor5(f): 11:00am On May 24, 2020|
Time, food and traditions keep families close. Invite your family over for celebrations (Christmas, Eastern if you are a Christian) and on Sundays (once in a month) to eat together. Everyone can contribute some home made food. We always divide the dishes among the family members. Some of us make the starter, others the main course, the jollof, the cake and so on and so forth. We also plan trips together taking the kids to the park to have a picnic or some other fun place. And do not underestimate the power of the little things in the daily life. My brother told me yesterday how he hasn't eaten some food one of our aunties used to prepare when we were young ever since. Guess what I will surprise him with tomorrow. I will just drop it at his door on my way to work.
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|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by FlordFlorez(m): 11:18am On May 24, 2020|
This isn't peculiar to all families and i think money is the binding factor. However, Igbos are trying in this respect. They occationally gather their family members especially during festives.
|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by oluplus(m): 11:26am On May 24, 2020|
Start by creating a group on whatsApp and add every concerned person. Then let the discussion start from there. Some will appreciate it while others may not. They can even pull out. Don't be discouraged. Raise your concern there and let everyone say whatever is in his/her mind.
You can then organize how you'll all meet physically
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|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by GboyegaD(m): 11:31am On May 24, 2020|
The stress going on around in recent times coupled with competition/lack of time/funds adds to why it might be difficult to have such reunions.
|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by Nobody: 11:32am On May 24, 2020|
Well, depending on your ethnicity sha. Mine follow a cultural pattern. Even when u want to be left alone in peace, those cultural norms passed on by generations of old will force you to unite with your family members, or distant relatives at a particular time of the year.
The reason why people from my side travel for Xmas celebration isn't because they love Christmas too much.
They travel to meet with families and it's done by a gathering called kinsmen meeting. Nobody jokes with that. From the general kinsmen meeting to smaller units of closer families.
Within the space of few days, u are supposed to tour the various houses of your extended family, even your grandmother's family join and u go with goodies. They do the same too. Married women do their own meeting too. That's why some married women spend part of their Christmas holiday in their fathers house. It's something u can't avoid and it has always kept families united at the front even if they are fighting within. I hope u understand what I mean by that.
If u happen to live in a city e.g. Lagos, u will join your kinsmen there and do monthly meetings, u join what we call your village, town meetings. U see, you can't run away from your people even if you want. It's a cultural norm. People that are free of this somehow are those living abroad. Still, you are very much represented. Has nothing to do with money or influence.
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|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by Richy4(m): 11:45am On May 24, 2020|
I think the hash Economic situation in some countries plays major role on this... Every one is trying to make ends meet. The time that is convenient for Mr and Mrs A, might not be convenient for Mr B and family..
Even those that might be less busy might claim busy just to avoid certain people within the family...
Yeah as u said apart from funeral and weddings, I don't think any other functions can bring families together nowadays.. if gathering should happen with out those two functions , that means it will take a charismatic individual to put it together
|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by Mariangeles(f): 12:09pm On May 24, 2020|
I love the celebration and food part.
It is my new favourite happy thing.
5 Likes 1 Share
|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by Hathor5(f): 12:21pm On May 24, 2020|
We should all do lots of happy things.
|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by RoyalBlu(f): 12:22pm On May 24, 2020|
Nice one sis.
This scenario is very peculiar to immediate siblings.
I'm sure OP's worry is leaning towards the extended family 'disunity' so to speak.
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|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by spiralwedge(m): 2:36pm On May 24, 2020|
Poweroflove is definitely ijebu
|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by Hathor5(f): 4:56pm On May 24, 2020|
I think you are right but you can also make the effort to spend more time with your extended family if you wish to.
|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by JourneytoEL(f): 8:53pm On May 24, 2020|
You can start by creating a whatsapp group for the extended family without excluding everyone. Make it a culture to celebrate and share their picture on their birthdays. Include other fun things like who is this uncle, who give birth to this girl and the winner gets a free recharge card. Little by little their hearts will warm up and they will begin to miss the family togetherness, then you can proceed to having a family thanksgiving/get together on a fixed date. I am sharing from my personal experience.
|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by frozen70(f): 2:50am On May 25, 2020|
Because of extended family tussle and long-term quarrels in the family, its not easy coordinating these people
You must be ready to be the servant leader and be prepared to spend money to keep these group of people together
You must command respect for you to achieve this
I will suggest you start with family group WhatsApp with the men, gradually once it's getting strong, you bring in their wives into the platform
Before you know it the unity will be building up and once in two or three months, you fix meetings either turn by turn in your places of residence or get a venue for tge meeting
Then you did realise that by the end of the year, you guys will be organising a family get together end of year party
This will help you guys to know who among the youths needs help to get stabilise and stop being a nuisance to the family
Then from generation to generation, the up coming youths will take over from you guys as you grow old and already built a strong base for the family gathering
|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by Nobody: 6:17am On May 25, 2020|
Maybe extended family doesn't make any difference again as they used to back in the day, so people just want to avoid issues and stay far way from 'bad energy'...
We can also say, boredom could be reason for some visits and social media has in a way filled that space
|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by akaahs(m): 7:32am On May 25, 2020|
Don't wait to gather everyone extensively, start with ur sister and family or any family around you. Cease the opportunity of festive season were everyone might likely be in attendance, tell them is just short gathering from there you can build on it.
This is exactly what I did when I realised same. Believe me I'm not the most senior but I was able to bring in not only the eldest but the most oldest man in the family. We meet every first January every year with every family in attendance with family. We have family account that every family contribute yearly for the progress of all.
Start even if na only ur family by making ur kids know ur extended family, please don't presume they are just kids ooo.
|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by PuZZyNegro: 9:50am On May 25, 2020|
Depending on the size of the family. Some families are concerned about cousins, uncles and aunties.
No, my family is concerned with just my mother's children. This is largely due to high number of children (10 children, 9 married with kids).
One of the causes of the disunity is this general saying "nobody owes you anything". Some family members make it earlier in life and thus turn their back against those still struggling.
And when those struggling ones finally makes it, they wouldn't want any association anymore.
You can put it generally on imbalance in financial strength.
Death of parent(s) is another factor. Once the father and/or mother dies, the family is disintegrated. Parents act as a force bringing children and cousins together.
It's more when the ladies are married and the male children leave the family house to build houses elsewhere. Even when they return home, they are in their respective houses and visiting the family house, they appear like visitors.
It's not compulsory to relate with every member of your family. You decide your friends based on interest and mutual feelings but you don't decide your family members. Some family members are better off kept at arms length.
So, in an attempt to unite, an experience may make you regret ever attempting the reunion. Just take those that are already close to you and relate with them.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
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|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by Zchi1052(m): 10:00pm On May 25, 2020|
Every family get issues
Do your best
And leave the rest
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|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by philips007(m): 10:00pm On May 25, 2020|
|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by sacajawea: 10:00pm On May 25, 2020|
|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by xreal: 10:00pm On May 25, 2020|
Just try your best.
It's good you already let your children meet with your sister's children.
Do you call others on phone, just to say 'hi' at least?
Start from doing so.
|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by holyidol(m): 10:00pm On May 25, 2020|
Pray to God.
|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by kemii7730: 10:00pm On May 25, 2020|
|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by PureGoldh(m): 10:00pm On May 25, 2020|
Hmm...it will be very hard if Money no dey involved as people tend to be in good form once money is involved.
My one cent thoo.....I wish you all the best
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|Re: Why Are Some Families So Divided And What Can I Do To Unite Mine? by dayleke: 10:01pm On May 25, 2020|
You can be the one to start this again.
Someone has to start it na.
Try and fix it on any public holiday and you can also term it as a "family reunion".
Technology has made things very easy nowadays.
Form a WhatsApp group and from there get everyone's intake.
Like right now, you can start planning for Xmas or if everyone is not here as per in abroad cases, start planning for next year.
* A family that strive to stay together last longer.
I know where you coming from OP.
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