Back when they were compiling the Bible, a whole bunch of the most embarrassing stuff got left on the cutting room floor. Luckily, a bunch of those once-popular apocryphal books are still floating around out there. We've already told you about some of the most ridiculous and horrifying, but that was just the tip of the drunken, child-hating, surprisingly armpit-centric iceberg.

John's head is brought to the royal family, who settle down for a really good gloat. But all of a sudden "the head of the blessed John let the locks of its hair loose from the plate, spread them, and flew into the center of the room." John then starts swooping around the room on his hair-o-copter, before the entire roof swings open and he zooms straight into the air and flies around the entire world for 15 years, shouting insults about Herod. Imagine being a poor peasant, minding your own business in some quiet Chinese village, when suddenly a severed head zips on by, rage-screaming about some jerk named Herod.

Apparently, Noah was born with bright red and white skin, bone white hair, and eyes that glowed so brightly they lit up the whole house. He also sat up and started talking immediately, presumably to answer all the screams of "what are you?!" That's not even us exaggerating, the book specifically says that Noah's own father was so terrified he fled the birthing room and ran all the way to hide with his own dad. It's a very bad sign when the birth of your firstborn ends with you curled up in your childhood bed, sucking your thumb and whispering "don't let the baby get me."
5 Noah Was A Glowing Nightmare Baby
Noah's dad explains that he's scared of his kid, who he suspects is probably one of those half-angel monster babies everyone's popping out these days. Fortunately, Noah's grandfather Methuselah eventually goes to see Enoch, who assures him that Noah really is his grandson and that he will eventually save the world from a flood. He also advises Methuselah to tell his son to toughen up and stop hiding from a baby. Which remains good advice for new fathers up to this day.

It all starts when the apostles pluck up the courage to ask the Virgin Mary what being impregnated by God was like (hey, we'd all be curious). Peter tries to bully John into doing it by calling him a virgin too, but then Bart just pops up and blurts it right out. Mary says she can't tell, because the sheer power of the story would make flames shoot out of her mouth like Charizard and burn up the whole world. But Bart keeps pestering her and she eventually relents, at which point flames start shooting out of her mouth and burning up the whole world. Look, they can't say they weren't warned. Fortunately Jesus sprints up and claps his hand over her mouth, before reminding the apostles not to ask his mom how she got knocked up.



Bartholomew then asks Jesus to drag Satan out of Hell so the apostles can ask him some questions. Jesus says no, since looking at Satan will instantly kill every disciple, but Bart bugs him until Jesus gives up and summons the devil, probably figuring that dealing with all Bart's whining will be punishment enough for Lucifer himself. But "straightway when the apostles saw him, they fell to the earth on their faces and became as dead." What will it take to get these people to listen to a freaking warning?

Wow, how do you know these?

Would love to know more though

cracked.com is a satire site. Good for laughs. Don't take them serious. But there's some truth about the Noah story. The guy was mixed breed. Same as Cain & others. Grab yourself the book of Enoch & impale your religious notions on the spear of enlightenment.