This is what is happening to me presently,

I have been married for about 8 years. I live with my wife in Botswana, we are both Nigerians
My wife has a medical condition and we have no kids yet. We have consulted one of the best gynaecologist in the country and have done a few medical intervention but all failed. In a bid to generate more money, I ventured into a business which failed woefully and this has made our life difficult.
The financial tension causes friction and frequent disagreement between us. Whenever I try to correct my wife, I find it difficult as she questions me on what gives me the right that my opinion is the correct one. I will just give 2 instances,
There was a time we had another argument and we did not talk for 5 days, she called her father to buy her air ticket that she wants to come to Nigeria or otherwise it is her corpse that will be sent to them.
Another thing happened during an argument, I called her father and reported her to him. The father talked harshly to her. My wife told the father that if she dies it is my fault. While I was still on the phone with the father, she drank bleach and its only by God's grace that I discovered on time.
Now, my own parents already know that shes the one with medical condition which is causing delay with us having children and they are really giving me pressures.
I am really having a mid-life crisis, please what will you do in this situation?

This one strong I dey come make I think

May the grace of God abide with you...

You need to do a lot of work on your wife.

Calm her and reassure her of your love.

Let her know you will always be by her no matter her medical condition.

Kiss her, cherish her, make sweet love to her...

Let her know that there is a lot to live for, not just to give birth...

Let her know adoption is an option.

Above all, be strong for her and let God lead the way.

It is well with you

Oblongata:
May the grace of God abide with you...

You need to do a lot of work on your wife.

Calm her and reassure her of your love.

Let her know you will always be by her no matter her medical condition.

Kiss her, cherish her, make sweet love to her...

Let her know that there is a lot to live for, not just to give birth...

Let her know adoption is an option.

Above all, be strong for her and let God lead the way.

It is well with you

Thank you very much for this.
I have tried this, but the fact is that shes now unreasonable. Whenever she is angry, she doesnt care of the consequences. She can keep malice for a long time and go several days in the house without even preparing food for us. I dont think she enjoy sex even, because there was a time a doctor gave her some drugs and then we had sex in which she participated. That was when I discovered that I have suffered sexually for several years. I have high blood pressure and I don't want to slump and die suddenly. I have invested so much in myself and I want to fulfil purpose. THats the situation, she doesnt agree to her errors.

Tell your wife to see a psychologist and she should get counsel too from an empathic gynaecologist.
There's no doubt she's having some mental issues which is manifesting as frustrations in life.
It's not easy to TTC as it can take its toll on couples' relationships.

Rob2121:
This is what is happening to me presently,

I have been married for about 8 years. I live with my wife in Botswana, we are both Nigerians
My wife has a medical condition and we have no kids yet. We have consulted one of the best gynaecologist in the country and have done a few medical intervention but all failed. In a bid to generate more money, I ventured into a business which failed woefully and this has made our life difficult.
The financial tension causes friction and frequent disagreement between us. Whenever I try to correct my wife, I find it difficult as she questions me on what gives me the right that my opinion is the correct one. I will just give 2 instances,
There was a time we had another argument and we did not talk for 5 days, she called her father to buy her air ticket that she wants to come to Nigeria or otherwise it is her corpse that will be sent to them.
Another thing happened during an argument, I called her father and reported her to him. The father talked harshly to her. My wife told the father that if she dies it is my fault. While I was still on the phone with the father, she drank bleach and its only by God's grace that I discovered on time.
Now, my own parents already know that shes the one with medical condition which is causing delay with us having children and they are really giving me pressures.
I am really having a mid-life crisis, please what will you do in this situation?

The two of you need to come home, her parents need to talk to her

Mind you a childless woman is not a happy woman

As for your family, don't let them push you too far

Time will heal every thing

Though you didn't mention her medical condition

Worst case, if you want to remarry, try and assist for both of you to adopt a child

Even of you finally wants to remarry, she will have the adopted child to keep her happy

But still give her time and bring up the idea of adoption

If you are the one with medical conditions, she and her family will definitely wait for you

Lol, she's the one with the medical condition and also the one with the attitude. She's funny...
Tell your wife someone on Nairaland says she's funny.

I admire your patience, but I don't think she's making it easy for you either.

Just do what you can until you're stretched to your limit and can do no more. I doubt if any reasonable person will blame you should you decide you're done with the marriage.

Why does she wanna take her life?

Your matter has branches.

You are ttcing.

Shes suicidal.

You have suffered sexually

You are having a midlife crisis

You are having financial crisiz

Family pressure.


Bro, tell us good things about the both of you.

Hmmmm...my heart goes out to the two of you. It is definitely not easy being in the situation you're both in. Why dont you take a break from each other, encourage her to come home and visit her people for like a month to ease up. It is well...hang in there biko. It will end well by God's grace.

I think you should allow your wife travel home to see her family in Nigeria. That may give her some breathing space and help her relax from all the pressure and tension she's under. Also you will have some breathing space to think things through which may be good for both of you.

Thank you all for all these great advice

I can't even imagine how it feels to live under the same roof with a suicidal wife who is bent on trying to blame her demise on you. Terrible.

The way I see it, your wife needs mental care.

She is depressed and so stressed out from the pressure of TTC. I'm not making excuses for her bad behaviours but she needs someone to talk to and relate with. Let her go home mate, she'll cool down. In the mean time, think about IVF & surrogacy. Lots of successful stories out there.

Ningen:
I can't even imagine how it feels to live under the same roof with a suicidal wife who is bent on trying to blame her demise on you. Terrible.

The way I see it, your wife needs mental care.

She is depressed and so stressed out from the pressure of TTC. I'm not making excuses for her bad behaviours but she needs someone to talk to and relate with. Let her go home mate, she'll cool down. In the mean time, think about IVF & surrogacy. Lots of successful stories out there.

Absolutely correct. I really believe she needs some time off to change environment.
Infertility can take its toll on one's mindset if one is not very strong emotionally.
Please give her some space to travel. You too you need the time off ehn.
I pray God grants your heart's desires.

Will be right back to give my piece of advice

Meanwhile check this out

Rob2121:
This is what is happening to me presently,

I have been married for about 8 years. I live with my wife in Botswana, we are both Nigerians
My wife has a medical condition and we have no kids yet. We have consulted one of the best gynaecologist in the country and have done a few medical intervention but all failed. In a bid to generate more money, I ventured into a business which failed woefully and this has made our life difficult.
The financial tension causes friction and frequent disagreement between us. Whenever I try to correct my wife, I find it difficult as she questions me on what gives me the right that my opinion is the correct one. I will just give 2 instances,
There was a time we had another argument and we did not talk for 5 days, she called her father to buy her air ticket that she wants to come to Nigeria or otherwise it is her corpse that will be sent to them.
Another thing happened during an argument, I called her father and reported her to him. The father talked harshly to her. My wife told the father that if she dies it is my fault. While I was still on the phone with the father, she drank bleach and its only by God's grace that I discovered on time.
Now, my own parents already know that shes the one with medical condition which is causing delay with us having children and they are really giving me pressures.
I am really having a mid-life crisis, please what will you do in this situation?

you cant make a depressed woman (due to her medical condition) feel better about herself, so you guys will always have these BS issues. thats the type of woman you have, deal with it accordingly....

as for you guys living together and not talking to one another for 5 days, i send you my sincere condolences as you are both VERY immature. no matter how much you guys argue, you should NEVER EVER go to bed mad at one another. beef should be squashed before going to sleep, one way or the other. GROW UP PEOPLE!!!!!

Great you guys know what the issues are and can discuss what your options are. I wouldn't encourage having a child out of wedlock however, if child bearing is a deal breaker for you, it is better you dissolve the marriage and go in search of what you want.

Most importantly however, what did the obgyn suggest with respect to the challenge at hand? At least, he should professionally tell you what he thinks of the situation. Whatever the situation is, your reaction(s) might have been the underlying cause of your wife's behavior of late. I will suggest you plead with her that you would want to have a real talk with her and when she gives you an audience, do not mince words however, you have to be mindful of her emotions too.

Lastly, have you visited a psychiatric home/hospital with her? Her drinking bleach implies she is likely depressed and suicidal. Please, do not take this lightly as she truly needs help. Do not judge her but rather try to understand her thoughts at this time.

Above all, I wish you the very best on this issue.

GboyegaD:
I wouldn't encourage having a child out of wedlock.

dont you think that the above will worsen the issue, and wifey will now really go 180° loca?

MrBrownJay1:


dont you think that the above will worsen the issue, and wifey will now really go 180° loca?

That is why I am discouraging him from cheating. The best is if he thinks it is a deal breaker, he should end the marriage and move on.

OP, the most important thing right now is to see that your wife get professional psychological help, that is psychotherapy to manage her suicidal behaviour because from what you shared, there is a clear case of lingering depression and she would score very high on suicidal ideation scale. It has to be done alongside couple therapy.

Rob2121:
Thank you all for all these great advice

Surrogacy, IvF, Adoption are all available.

GboyegaD:


That is why I am discouraging him from cheating. The best is if he thinks it is a deal breaker, he should end the marriage and move on.

Won't she kill herself? Years wasted and childless on top of it?

Hmmn.

MrBrownJay1:


you cant make a depressed woman (due to her medical condition) feel better about herself, so you guys will always have these BS issues. thats the type of woman you have, deal with it accordingly....

as for you guys living together and not talking to one another for 5 days, i send you my sincere condolences as you are both VERY immature. no matter how much you guys argue, you should NEVER EVER go to bed mad at one another. beef should be squashed before going to sleep, one way or the other. GROW UP PEOPLE!!!!!

it takes 2 to squash a beef. Is she refuses to ajust what would he do.

Thank you guys for all the contributions. We have tried OI, and IUI multiple times and it failed. we also did IVF and it failed. We can't however adopt a child here as we won't qualify, surrogacy involves money and for now, I can't bear the financing either IVF for her or surrogacy.
I can't force someone to talk if she intends to keep malice, refusing to eat and wouldn't listen.
I will make a plan for is to come home and hopefully she will get some space. My problem with coming home is my parents, am sure if any parent hears the full story of which they are not aware of before, they would not be understanding and things could become worse

You did all these and have also seek medical attention shows you and wife are desperate for a child. Surrogacy, adoption and a miracle conception from wifey seems to be the the options now available, so wait till you are financially ready to afford one....the sooner the better. However, it is best to allow your wife to choose how she wants the baby to come, so that she will not turn around to blame or acuse you in future. This is a depressed suicidal woman, and you must be very careful/compromise on some things so that peace can reign. Ensure you table issues properly before her, discuss and reach conclusions beneficial to you both. It seems her suicidal pangs began in the marriage, it doesn't seem like an attitude she exhibited in her parents house... ...What triggered it? Is it your attitude? A bad marriage, her childlessness, what exactly made her become suicidal, because from your write up, she had health challenges before marriage. You can also seek help from her parents since she's a type that loves home, her parents should advice her without being harsh. Your wife is still immature, she needs counsel, keeping malice, refusing to eat are childish traits for a wife to exhibit. Remember to pray about it as well.

Rob2121:
Thank you guys for all the contributions. We have tried OI, and IUI multiple times and it failed. we also did IVF and it failed. We can't however adopt a child here as we won't qualify, surrogacy involves money and for now, I can't bear the financing either IVF for her or surrogacy.
I can't force someone to talk if she intends to keep malice, refusing to eat and wouldn't listen.
I will make a plan for is to come home and hopefully she will get some space. My problem with coming home is my parents, am sure if any parent hears the full story of which they are not aware of before, they would not be understanding and things could become worse

Your wife is slowly slipping into depression right before your eyes and you don't know it. You probably think she's been rude and unreasonable when the truth is she's finding it difficult to hold unto life because she feels nothing is worth living for. She's gradually getting self absorbed and her reaction is what you see as fights. That woman is pushing you out, the moment she succeed she will end it all.

I'm not typing this to make you feel bad, this isn't about you but her inability to stay strong in her storm. However you have to be careful not to be a tool in her self destruction. Give her some space, avoid confrontations, if she insists on going to her father's house, let her go. But update her father so they will pay extra attention on her. After sometime you can go to visit her and bring her back. It is well with you.

My unprofessional advice. Come to Nigeria, give another girl Belle.

My professional advice. Adopt a child.


Your case is like that of a woman who got married only to discover that her husband is impotent.

May the force be with you sir!

SweetCunt97:
Won't she kill herself? Years wasted and childless on top of it?

I suggested they go to a psychiatric home for her to get help. She killing herself is out of her selfishness and not love.

She is your cross, carry her. All this marriage people sef

Rob2121:
Thank you guys for all the contributions. We have tried OI, and IUI multiple times and it failed. we also did IVF and it failed. We can't however adopt a child here as we won't qualify, surrogacy involves money and for now, I can't bear the financing either IVF for her or surrogacy.
I can't force someone to talk if she intends to keep malice, refusing to eat and wouldn't listen.
I will make a plan for is to come home and hopefully she will get some space. My problem with coming home is my parents, am sure if any parent hears the full story of which they are not aware of before, they would not be understanding and things could become worse

I just want to address the bolded in your write up.

1. You can adopt from Nigeria being Nigerians. If you're serious about adoption, you can start the process now while in Botswana so that when you visit it will be faster to complete the adoption process.This is what most people abroad do because either they do not qualify or the process is more tedious overseas.

2. You don't have to tell your parents the full story... Use your discretion to save your home and help your wife. It's not everything the eye sees that the mouth speaks. Be wise!

The issue is not about your business failure or anything.

Her expectations was that when she gets married, she will become a mother at a drop of a hat. Things doesn't work out the way we all envisioned it. Just keep on reminding her that both of u were in it together. It will be well.

On a lighter note, how are u doing in that horrible and depressing country that dislikes foreigners with passion? Each time I hear of Botswana, it reminds me of Poland.