Fellow nairanders.
I got a call yesterday from a dear friend whose husband is a big jerk.
The marriage has been rocky for years,The police have been over a few times,they now have  seperate bedrooms but the new dimension is that he now comes home from work at midnite and past midnite,'travels' out every weekend and the last time was away for a whole week and a half to an undisclosed location leaving this poor woman with their kids home and in the dark about his whereabouts.


The man eventually returned home with no apologies and my friend called me last night in tears.
She is a Christian and has been believing God to heal her marriage and would not hear the words divorce or seperation.
I am tempted to tell her to hire a private eye or leave him because I'm convinced the son of a gun is a dirty dog,AIDS is still a reality
My husband advises me not to get involved but what  am I to advise a friend that calls me crying of the ill treatments she gets at home?
This woman is one of the kindest women I know and I think she does not deserve to be with this loser of a man.


What do Nairaland users advise,I would hate for the situation to turn more violent than it is already.
Neither do I want to be blamed down the line of advising a fellow woman to move out of her matrimonial home.

A human/woman heart can only harbor to an extent, endurance has its boundaries, and perseverance would give up at some point, and then there's that point where even love quits. She could only take it to some length

But the truth remains that its her sole cross to carry, no one should take the decision for her. What you can do as a friend is be there for her, lend her your shoulder to cry on, help her weigh the good and bad, comfort her, give her your ears and wipe her tears

I'm sure she's still there Cos she "loves" him, the thought of their kids and to preserve their marriage and home. What you have to do for her apart from being there for her is pray, pray and pray.

If its in her destiny to live with this guy, then God sooner or later will give him a "round-about turn", and if the marriage wasn't meant to last "till death did them path", then in no due time, the courage will arouse in her.

Thats what she needs to leave, courage, self-will and determination, being talked into something like this by someone else doesn't give that "i did the right thing" feeling, and at the long run she might regret heeding to your voice. So yes, your husband is right, there's a limit to what you can/should do.

Like i said its her cross to carry, its hers and her kids future, be her escort through the journey but let her carry the cross alone, it makes any decision she takes the right one for her

I know what you yourself is going through couldn't be easy, i pray God to be your strength and give you required grace and knowledge to be the helping hand you were designed to be!!!!!!


I've witnessed such situations and learnt that it only feels right, when they decide its time to call it a day by themselves for themselves, at least if there should be any regrets (hope not), then its better to regret a decision she made by herself than one made by someone else.

Marriage wasn't intended to be a life-sentence of misery!

She needs to talk to her husband and see if he will change. If not, well, what option does she have. Should she stay there and teach her children that it's ok to treat women like rubbish?

@ Poster, listen to ur husband. Dont u think ur friend knows she's supposed to divorce the sucker? let her suggest it so she doesnt blame u for the consequences

she says she does not want to divorce him , she should pray then since she is a christian, God can make a way.

English1:

Marriage wasn't intended to be a life-sentence of misery!

She needs to talk to her husband and see if he will change. If not, well, what option does she have. Should she stay there and teach her children that it's ok to treat women like rubbish?

very well put. 

babyosis
there is nothing you can do but advice her to leave him, if he is found cheating, he may not be cheating, it is not every unexplained situation like this that involves infidelity. He may have other things in his life that he is not saying to his wife, it could be any thing. I heard of a man who went missing for a year and the wife thought he left for another woman, only to be found later to have had a secret drug dependency problem and sunk so low, with debts and decided to do a runner because of depression.
Maybe the husband has issues going on that wifeyknows nothing about, men are not the best at talking. so she should stay calm and talk to him. or maybe he is doing the dirty  point is before you all decide to give quick advice to this woman you need to know where he was . all i am saying is if the marriage has been rocky , she needs to sit and evaluate the reasons for this and sort it, husband too may be hurting about things.wE WOMEN CAN QUICKLY THINK WE ARE ALONE IN THE HURTING AND THINK MEN TOO DONT GO THRU STUFF , you never know maybe family home has become unbearable to the man and he thot going away for a few weeks peace was worth coming back home to face the wrath. No man is made of stone

He who wears the shoes knows where it pinches. Let your friend decide whether to live a life of bitterness and sorrow or happily without her terror of a husband. The final decision remains hers only. "Till death do us path" does not mean that one will stay put until she is killed before they part ways! A word is enough for the wise.

@babyosisi,
I am replying/contributing to this 'simply' because you posted it; then it must be true. I kinda think a lot of 'questions' or 'stories' on this forum are just blokes trying to write a fiction love story. But you I 'know' to be a serious individual. Now to your 'friend'. I dont know how many of the responders are married; but I am a married man, and I know you too recently married (well not to recent o ); what's the point? we both know the meaning of marriage, the responsibilities or 'cross' of marriage as somebody put's it earlier on from God's point of view, not from ours. I can see you are very angry, in solidarity, with your friend (called the husband a "jerk" and a "big loser"; and if I read your mind correctly, you wont mind the lady divorcing the man; but you dont want to say it because you are 'Christian', oh what a dilema

But I am more surprised at your 'new' husband saying you should not get involved; that is rather strange because I am definitely sure he must be a Christian otherwise he wont be Babyosisi's husband . Why should you not get involved?, are we not supposed to bear each other's burden anymore? who is your neighbour?, is it not anybody you have the capacity or ability to help? Your friend needs your help and you should be involved; both spiritually by praying for her; and physically by encouraging her, talking to her, guiding her to a place of help, and if possible even the husband.
You see, in any relationship, we usually hear one side when there is a problem and tend to take decisions based on emotions. If they get a divorce, both of them will simply go to the next relationship, or next phase of life, with the problem---i.e themselves!!! The wife probably has her own issues or faults as much as the "big jerk" himself, but I'm sure you will want to vouch for her.

So the point is, there is no problem without a solution; my wife and I had some problems some years back in our marriage,,,,,,belive me it was the mercy of God and his grace that made my marriage to survive. I take full responsibility for the problem because it was my fault. But God in his mercies sent us help in the form of our very good family friend (sound familiar?) and later through our Pastor. You see, I still blame myself for the problem and I regret the pain I probably caused then, but on careful analysis and counselling my wife also saw some of her faults. If we had looked at the issues "emotionally", we would have taken an absolutely wrong decision, but with godly wisdom, we pulled through and our marriage is now strong and by the grace of God will continue so.
In marriage, as in life, challenges will come, (even in yours expect challenges); how you deal with it is what will determine whether you overcome it or it overcomes you.
Remember: "Where sin abounds, grace much more abound". If you want to discuss further on a one to one, I wont mind exchanging my e-mail add ( I have never done this on this forum, but I feel for you and your friend); just know that "if you've never been broken, you might not really know how to heal somebody who is". Take care, sister.

batu,thanks for your response and wise inputs.
I enjoy reading from you as always.

I know I did sound angry in that post but who wouldn't when one constantly hears very sad stories from a friend and feels totally helpless.
My friend and I have prayed about this situation for a few years now.
My husband has joined us in praying but it seems the more we pray,the worse it gets.

For the sake of their privacy,I am being guarded in the details.
The man himself is said to be a born again Christian too but his actions speak otherwise.
There has been absolutely no physical intimacy for years in this relationship and his actions tell us,there must be another woman.

My husband not wanting be to get very involved is not because he doesn't care but because he does not want the suggestion for her to leave him to come from me.
My hubby has made countless calls,perhaps about a dozen and sent a few emails to this guy just to have a manly talk with him but he refuses.
He has even left the Church where their kids were dedicated for another "permissive " Church.

I do not advocate divorce,the Bible condemns it except on grounds of fornication so I wanted my friend to hire a private eye equipped with video camera to prove whether or not,he has traded her in for a younger woman.

I don't know if it is just me of if the way some Nigerians practice christianity is disturbing. I guess the concept of religion means different things to different people.

No woman, especially a Nigerian one, will want to be the one "responsible" for the breakup of her home. However, in this case, with physical intimacy gone, they are no more than housemates!! This is now a tricky situation, especially with children involved. According to the story, friends have at least made attempts to stall the sinking ship, and call the man to order but looks like it is not working. It is safe to assume at this stage, that another woman is invovled. Somewhere, along the line, communication broke down irreversibly.

I believe in prayers, but sometimes, it is time to get practical. If she is deeply unhappy as she must be, then maybe they should have a trial separation for a while to work things out and give themselves "space". Sometimes, couples make up after this phase, but mostly, sadly, ends in divorce. I have seen many of such cases. I don't wish divorce on my worst enemy, especially with children. But what will be the point of being in a union where one member is only tolerated rather than celebrated? She shouldn't kill herslef with worries such as "where did it all go wrong", because sometimes, there is nothing that goes wrong, but one party just stopped loving the other.

Imani you sound exactly like me when I had this discussion with my husband early yesterday morning.
The marriage stopped being a marriage many many years ago,it is increasingly getting worse and my greatest fear is that this woman may go mental with all the stress.
_{God forbid}
The man not only has his own bedroom,he also has his own phone line,his own pots and pans and cooks his own meals.

I too am a Christian and believe in Christian principles but this one one has gone beyond patience and longsuffering.

babyosisi:


The man not only has his own bedroom,he also has his own phone line,his own pots and pans and cooks his own meals.

I too am a Christian and believe in Christian principles but this one one has gone beyond patience and longsuffering.

That is so sad.

Reminds of a particular case, quite similar to this one. The man actually stopped sleeping in the same room with his now ex-wife and even stopped eating at home and using stuff belonging to the wife and kids. They had one son, who had skin problems, and this man won't even carry his own son!! And of course, the lady was praying and fasting and everything christianly. Ultimately, she found out another lady was involved.

In this cases, there is usually more to it than meets the eye!! Even when men cheat, they just don't suddenly stop eating at home, or move out of the room etc. There maybe a spiritual angle to it. And i am really tired of these women that steal other people's husband and i hope they remember what goes round, comes round.

Anyway, all you can do is console your friend, and she should just start gearing herself for the "inevitable". I hope she has a job. Our society trains women such that, if your marriage "fails" you are seen as a "failure", and this can be hard to accept. She may have to choose between regaining her identity, dignity and self esteem or staying with him and be very unhappy. Either way, it will be hard.

Are they based in Nigeria? I really hope not, because if they are, i can understand all her anguish.

@ Babyo and the rest


I agree with all views that it might be time for her to give it up, afterall they both took their marriage vows and it doesnt seem the guy could care less, but like i stated in my previous post . . "you can take the horse to the stream, but you cannot force it to drink"


Her own mind has to be made up for her to leave, its impossible to drag her out of it Cos she's adult enough to take her own desicions (as clouded as they might seem), and if you force her out of it, she might still not get that hapiness you want for her.

From your latest post, it seems the problem has really gotten out of hand . . but her eyes has to see it. I have the feeling that with the right motivation and back-ups, sooner or later she'll realise that it just isnt working out, and that herself and her kids arent being given the right attention and care they deserve, that with time she herself sees what a disaster of a marriage and home she and the kids are subdued to . . infact that she sees the situation with your eyes and mine

But she got to see it herself, her story sounds so farmiliar to that of a lady i know, exactly the same story, and this lady prayed hands and feet, hoping for the best, but one bright morning she woke up and decided it was time to quit the game

Just pray for her strength, that she doesnt break down before she realises the right thing to do . . believe me even though it seems so, God never abandons his people and in the right time and place he'll manifest!!

babyosisi:

There has been absolutely no physical intimacy for years in this relationship

.
that alone tells you all you need to know. and that alone is grounds for seperation.
ive learnt to keep my nose out of other peoples affairs .especially couples.
you may mean well, but it nearly always backfires.  . you've adviced her and told her what to do. its up to her to be decisive and take action. sometimes we pray and fast and wait on God to come down and take action when we know exactly what we should do.
its tempting. God its tempting to want to help a friend in distress. but if its not a close family member like a sister or blood relative then stay out of it. if this was my sister i would personally arrive at her doorstep after bros has gone to work and pack her crap and move her to an undisclosed location. why? because shes my blood and whatever hurts her, kills me.   but if its a friend or colleague i would do things differently if i were you.

many a woman has wound up dead because she wants to preserve a dead marriage "because of the children". but women you can only look after your children and nuture them if you are happy and alive sef.  
sometimes its better to be alone than unhappy.

She should keep fasting and praying joo!

On a more serious note, where do we draw the line when it comes to divorce among christians? Indeed the bible is firmly against divorce but i'm sure there are circumstances such as this when it would be the only solution to the problem. It is clear there is another woman involved as it is practically impossible for this man to have stayed celibate for this long.
Now she has grounds for a biblical divorce, for the sake of her sanity and her children it is time to pull the wool off her eyes and call it quits before she ends up as another statistic in America's ever growing list of victims of domestic abuse!

davidylan:

On a more serious note, where do we draw the line when it comes to divorce among christians? Indeed the bible is firmly against divorce but i'm sure there are circumstances such as this when it would be the only solution to the problem. It is clear there is another woman involved as it is practically impossible for this man to have stayed celibate for this long.
Now she has grounds for a biblical divorce, for the sake of her sanity and her children it is time to pull the wool off her eyes and call it quits before she ends up as another statistic in America's ever growing list of victims of domestic abuse!

For some reason, i seem to think some Nigerian churches seem to be very hardline on issues such as divorce and generally family settings. We seem to interprete the Bible more deeply than sometimes required. 

I personally think it is time the Church, in general, started addressing issues such as divorce, fertilty etc that don't make the Church look very attractive. There was a time when contraception was frowned upon, but with time, people realised the benefits that came with it. Same should happen with the issue of separation, divorce and the subsequent stigma attached. It is the way an issue is presented and handled, that would determine, to an extent, the type of response that is generated. Some people need to be free from the "hell" they call marriage.

davidylan:

She should keep fasting and praying joo!

you don come oh.  

i believe a woman should leave a man in a heartbeat rather than subject her children to anguish. the bible's definition of marriage is definitely different from what your friend is in.  

what kind of father stays out of his home for days ?
what kind of father shows no affection towards his God given wife?
what kind of father takes off to shack up with some strange woman forgetting he has kids?  
i would want that man no where near my children because he really wouldnt have anything to teach my sons and hence will be of no use to me.

@babyosisi,
Well, I can see that out of maybe 10 contributions, 8 are from 'sisters' in the house; and I am not really surprised at the 'emotional' solidarity. By the way Davidylan has no right to contribute as a 'man', he is not married yet
But on a more serious note and with all due respect, what you hear from my dear sisters above are the sort of rather narrow-minded feminist advice typical of Oprah Winfrey show. For example, listen to this:

I believe a woman should leave a man in a heartbeat rather than subject her children to anguish.

A lot have given examples of "similar situations" always involving "somebody they know", but NOT themselves; but I wonder how many will really really give themselves the same advice they are giving now if they are in the same situation,,,,,uummmhh . Believe me, just as others have seen 'similar situations', I also have seen seemingly "hopeless, end-of-the-road" marital situations of many years brought back from the brink by godly wisdom and not the 'hairdressing saloon' "go-girl" suggestions .
With all due respect to my sisters, you've all done the obvious; what a clinical psychologist will call "victimization syndrome": we now have a 'victim' (the wife) in a 'situation' (her marriage), being oppressed by the 'oppressor' (the "big jerk"; and such have taken the obvious decision to to play the super hero who comes to the rescue of the 'victim' naturally. The three parties involved here needs invidividual consideration and analysis: the wife, the husband (yes!!) and the kids. A careful consideration will reveal that the above suggestion quoted is rather unfortunate. The kids are already in anguish, and their mother leaving their father will definitely worsen their anguish, emotional stability and most likely their future levels of achievements. So, let's do away with Oprah thinking, this is real life situation, not soap!!!

Is it possible that the wife is not a saint? If we get another angle of the story from the 'husband's friend', is it possible we might be a little sympathetic to him too? Is it possible[/] that their is no other woman involved, unlike what our dear sisters seem to have conclusively concluded from 'telekinetic' or from 'experience'? Is it [i]possible that the kids love their father very much despite his 'acclaimed' shortcomings? Is it likely that the kids will prefer mummy and daddy working out their "mid-life crisis"? Is it likely that,,,,,,,,,,,,? and so on and so forth. If you can answer "yes" to at least one of the above questions, then we need to have a 'sisterly' re-think.

As a "man" (a married man is the real man ), Babyosisi, whether in Africa or US, or UK; every "man" has somebody that he respects and listens to. As a friend, you should try and find out from the wife who that is for her husband; and see how to get him or her involved in the situation. He/She might not be the 'pastor' (in the meantime) and I can see that it's not your husband (he definitely has others who respect and listen to him though). Dont anybody call any situation hopeless and unredeemeable, because you are not God as of the last time I checked. Somebody is already asking if she 'has a job' for the post divorce life; may God deliver us from 'technical advisors' like that.

@batu
are you one of those african men that believe that a woman must die in a marriage no matter the conditions? forget female emotions here. we all know that when a marriage goes down the drain its the woman and children that suffer most emotionally (and financially).

this marriage is dead. and has been for years.
no use prolonging the torture. but then again, thats what women are good at.(hoping against hope and worrying what the world will think of them) you cant force a man to love you. he has obviously taken his affection someplace else. batu everyone has an opinion.i see you copied and pasted my quote. yes thats what i believe. you dont have to ascribe to the same school of thought as i do. i work with what im given. we will never have the details of any story here on nairaland.with what we were given i suggest she leaves that farce of a marriage.

there's something about men who find lust in the laps of another woman. they suddenly become irrational and deaf. not even listening to elders at a family meeting.
let her keep hoping. there's nothing as tragic as loving someone who isnt even there to return your love.
goodluck to her.
im out.

It takes two people to make a marriage work, if only one works at it then in reality there is no marriage, if the woman is able to leave she should, this is not living it is just existing, "No need in beating a dead horse" Leave

Redwoman

batu:

But on a more serious note and with all due respect, what you hear from my dear sisters above are the sort of rather narrow-minded feminist advice typical of Oprah Winfrey show. For example, listen to this:

Ahahahahahah this is funny! Are you sure the ladies are the ones being narrow-minded?

Word!! @Spoilt.

@batu, i just wanted to point out that i am just speaking for myself and not anyone else as i respond as follows.

batu:


@babyosisi,
Well, I can see that out of maybe 10 contributions, 8 are from 'sisters' in the house; and I am not really surprised at the 'emotional' solidarity.
1. By the way Davidylan has no right to contribute as a 'man', he is not married yet
2. But on a more serious note and with all due respect, what you hear from my dear sisters above are the sort of rather narrow-minded feminist advice typical of Oprah Winfrey show. For example, listen to this:

1. Is it only when you are married, that you are qualified to speak or have opinions about marital issues? I believe there are 2 ways to learn; from mentors and experience - which can either be personal or from others.

2. We are all not feminists, but sometimes, you have to "call a spade a spade".

batu:


1. A lot have given examples of "similar situations" always involving "somebody they know", but NOT themselves; but I wonder how many will really really give themselves the same advice they are giving now if they are in the same situation,,,,,uummmhh .

2.Believe me, just as others have seen 'similar situations', I also have seen seemingly "hopeless, end-of-the-road" marital situations of many years brought back from the brink by godly wisdom and not the 'hairdressing saloon' "go-girl" suggestions .

1. I used an example that was similar to this case. Since i haven't been in such a situation, and neither have my parents who have been married for a long time, i can only use "indirect" examples. And also, i practice what i preach. I wouldn't suggest any advice i won't do personally. If you read my previous posts, i acknowledge it is a difficult situation and maybe having a trial separation as opposed to an outright divorce may be the "lesser of two evils".

2. Why don't you give us examples of "hopeless, end of the road" cases you know of so we can all learn from it. Let's hear the "godly wisdom" that was able to transform such relationships. I bet there are few and far between. The same way people should not listen to "hairdressing saloon" suggestions, they shouldn't also listen to "advice" from the barbers shop.

batu:


1.With all due respect to my sisters, you've all done the obvious; what a clinical psychologist will call "victimization syndrome": we now have a 'victim' (the wife) in a 'situation' (her marriage), being oppressed by the 'oppressor' (the "big jerk"; and such have taken the obvious decision to to play the super hero who comes to the rescue of the 'victim' naturally. The three parties involved here needs invidividual consideration and analysis: the wife, the husband (yes!!) and the kids. A careful consideration will reveal that the above suggestion quoted is rather unfortunate.

2.The kids are already in anguish, and their mother leaving their father will definitely worsen their anguish, emotional stability and most likely their future levels of achievements. So, let's do away with Oprah thinking, this is real life situation, not soap!!!

1. I only made suggestions based on the merits of the situation. From what, the babyosisi, posted, her friend is very unhappy and using your terminology "a victim". No one is playing hero of any kind. All parties involved need individual attention like you suggest, and i accept that.

2. Are you trying to say that it is better for the two to stay "together" because of the children? The children, though already in "anguish", maybe better off living with one parent and also spending time with the other parent. No matter how you look at it, it is not a pleasant situation and i am not insinuating that either, but for a human being(either male or female) to live a life as an unimportant part of a union is also less than desirable.

batu:


1. Is it possible that the wife is not a saint? If we get another angle of the story from the 'husband's friend', is it possible we might be a little sympathetic to him too.

2. Is it possible[/] that their is no other woman involved, unlike what our dear sisters seem to have conclusively concluded from 'telekinetic' or from 'experience'?

3. Is it [i]possible that the kids love their father very much despite his 'acclaimed' shortcomings? Is it likely that the kids will prefer mummy and daddy working out their "mid-life crisis"? Is it likely that,,,,,,,,,,,,? and so on and so forth. If you can answer "yes" to at least one of the above questions, then we need to have a 'sisterly' re-think.

1. We have only heard from one side of the story. So i have based my suggestions on that. If there was another side to the story, then maybe my opinion will change accordingly.

2. What planet are you living on?! A man hasn't touched his wife for years and you think he must be have either become celibate, gay or assexual.  Wonders shall never end. Even a christian man will accept that something is wrong. Or you think christians don't cheat or thier wives/husbands too?

3. Kids love their parents and always want ideal situation, but we live in the real world!! If daddy beats up mummy so bad in a case of domestic violence or the other way round before i am accused of being feminist, are you saying the same kids that would be anguished already, will be better off in such a relationship than in one where there is stability and peace even if the parents are living apart? Funny how it maybe "mid-life crisis" that makes some men behave the way they do, don't you think?

batu:


1. As a "man" (a married man is the real man ), Babyosisi, whether in Africa or US, or UK; every "man" has somebody that he respects and listens to. As a friend, you should try and find out from the wife who that is for her husband; and see how to get him or her involved in the situation. He/She might not be the 'pastor' (in the meantime) and I can see that it's not your husband (he definitely has others who respect and listen to him though).

2. Dont anybody call any situation hopeless and unredeemeable, because you are not God as of the last time I checked.

3. Somebody is already asking if she 'has a job' for the post divorce life; may God deliver us from 'technical advisors' like that.

1. The notion there must be "someone he listens to" is not always correct. He may listen, but if his mind is made up, doesn't change anything. Listening is different from applying what you have heard. A lot of people listen but never do anything with what they have heard. Getting his "friends" (wonder where they have been uptil now) involved, maybe a step in the right direction. But do you really think his wife wouldn't have explored the avenue?

2. No human can be God. There are some situations only God can intervene. There are also some, for which he expects us to use the brains he gave us. This notion of God will do everything, so we don't have to work at our problems is part of why we have so many problems in Africa. Spirituality does not negate the need for working hard at life's problems and challenges. We all have challenges and trials we will face in this life, maybe it is one that this particular family is facing, we don't know.

3. Well, i still hope she has a job!! She may need it. I hope you are not the type that ask's his wife not to work, not because she doesn't want to, but because you say so?

Please be honest with us on this forum, if the shoe was on the other foot, what would you do? Would you, after so many years of your wife moving into another bedroom, doing her own thing in the house and the most crucial, denies you sex, are you saying you will still stay and try to work at the marriage because of the kids? just repeating your suggestions. I would like to hear your views of this, especially if you are a christain and Nigerian.

@imani/ladies in the house:

Is it only when you are married, that you are qualified to speak or have opinions about marital issues? I believe there are 2 ways to learn; from mentors and experience - which can either be personal or from others.

Answer: Not necessarily, 'anybody' can open his/her mouth to 'advice' on any issue; but the quality and depth of your advice is going to be 'confounded' by the extent and depth of your knowledge/practical experience. Learning from others or mentors is different from being in it i.e on-the-job experience!!!. You can read all sorts of books on marriage, look at your parents, attend classes+ seminars and even have 'PhD' in marital issues; unless you are married you'll only be a "marital theologian". The same reason an engineering degree holder in mech. engr will run to a primary-school-drop-out motor mechanic who spent years under the bonnet of a car soaked in oil, sweat and dirt. (just an analogy)

Just take a step back and re-read all the comments above and maybe you'll see how judgemental you all are: Somebody else said "oh, the marriage is dead"; "he has found lust on the laps of another woman" as if she saw him on those laps! Are we not all just responding to Babyosisi's 2 or 3 paragraph posts above? why are some talking as if they know both the husband and wife personally and how the story began and has ended? A scientific reasoning makes you weigh options from both sides even if you think you have all the facts, there is still a small p-value that you could be wrong in your assertions, chei!! That is why I called it an 'emotional solidarity.' And on top of it all, now listen to yourself my dear Imani:

We have only heard from one side of the story. So I have based my suggestions on that. If there was another side to the story, then maybe my opinion will change accordingly.

This statement suggests that you think there is a possible "other side" to the story; if you now think it through, don't you think some of you ladies suggestions above could be unfair and judgemental since there is a possibility of "another side" to the story? Since it's not likely that we can know the other side, but the fact remains that it could exit; why not base your suggestions on an assumption that it could exit?. This is where maturity and experience becomes helpful, rather than a superficial flipant decision making and advice based on emotions. Dont get me wrong, I am not calling the "jerk" a saint, but neither will I call the "victim" an angel. Let her pack up and go, she will go into her next phase of life or relationship with one part of the problem--herself!! (reference to my first post)

And now this:

What planet are you living on?! A man hasn't touched his wife for years and you think he must be have either become celibate, gay or assexual.  Wonders shall never end. Even a christian man will accept that something is wrong. Or you think christians don't cheat or their wives/husbands too?

So, there is a possibility that the "victim" could possibly not have been celibate or assexual over the period of time too, right? Please, stop these 'shallow' speculations because it will only lead to more and more baseless issues. I could also speculate that maybe the man discovered something the wife did some time ago and is finding it diffult to forgive her; or could it be family interference (the in-law syndrome); or could it be personality issues; or it could be another woman; or another man; etc etc. But, it is easy, and intellectually lazy, to just assume the man is an irresponsible, psychotic jerk who no longer loves his wife, marriage and children. The solution is to get to the root and direct the interventions to the root-cause in a focused and strategic manner. There is a problem involving a "family", not an individual; that's the bottom line!!!.

@babyosisi,
do the best to help your friend; as I said earlier, a first practical step is to inquire from the wife about somebody of influence that he or rather they both defer to. As I said earlier, not likely to be a 'friend/mate' as Imani thought. But I am sure you understand what I mean. I believe the reason you posted the issue is because of your love for your friend, most of the "let's-call-a-spade-a-spade" suggestions you read here is definitely not what you'll want if you are in the same situation. I wish you and your friend the very best.

Thanks for all your wonderful contributions.
Batu,it's true I've not heard first hand from this guy,but it's my understanding that others have tried mediating things in the past and found the man impossible to crack.
Infact he left their church because he wouldn't heed the pastor's advice and let the wife have it for mentioning the problems to the pastor
My friend has even knelt to ask for forgiveness of whatever but no show.

cute,spoilt and Imani as women,you all get the picture by the other examples you gave.
This is like pure torture.
From the little I've seen and heard,I would have been gone if it were me.

Can you imagine,this woman had invited me over once,while we ate,this man walked past the dinning room and said nothing to me.
Their child had a birthday party,I attended because of her,I stayed back till midnite to help them clean up,not a word of thank you or any words at all from him.
The party was such an awkward moment,it was clear to guests that these were two strangers in a house.

It's very sad.

Infact he left their church because he wouldn't heed the pastor's advice and let the wife have it for mentioning the problems to the pastor. My friend has even knelt to ask for forgiveness of whatever but no show.

@babyosisi,
You sure say the guy well so? Maybe dey don 'winch' am? Sorry, not that I am making light of a sad situation, but if it is true that the guy left church because 'he wont heed the pastor's advice', then that's a poor prognostic indicator; and it seriously points to a more spiritual rather than a physical root of the problem. Your friend will have to be ready for battle to keep what is hers'!!!. From the days of JtB till now, the kingdom of heaven suffereth violence and the violent taketh it by force. I am now more convinced that if she thinks it is over by packing up and going, then she is joking. Her life and destinies of her children is in danger.

The guy is probably under some "influence" and one of the first things such 'influence' will do is to keep him away from the sources of a 'stronger influence' e.g church or friends. He (i.e "the Jerk" is probably trying to frustrate your friend ("victim" into taking the "let's-call-a-spade-a-spade" sort of action. Let her resist it; if then he packs out, she should let him go physically but not emotionally and/or spiritually. Believe me, the aim is not just to destroy the guy, but also the lives of the children, and your friend too.
Has she contacted his family back home?, is she in good relationship with his family or not? The guys appears to be in trouble and needs 'help.' (I am sure I will probably be abused by the "spade-ists" that I am too old-fashioned; well, marriage with children is different from 'breaking-up' with a 'boyfriend' called 'Jerk' because he forgot to buy me flowers for valentine!)  I recently saw a man here in London who abandoned his family for another woman, but after seven years came back to prostrate and beg the wife. They are more blessed now than before, in all ramifications. What happened? the woman fought for what is hers "spiritually" through prayers; not by "calling-a-spade-a-spade" for her own sake and her children's sake. I am not saying there is another woman in this case o!, just an analogy. And let your friend also 'examine' herself, her past, her family pattern etc. If only we look deeper and more closely not with emotions, we'll usually see the source of problem.

babyosisi:

My friend has even knelt to ask for forgiveness of whatever but no show.

hehehe. im still looking for her sin!

babyosisi:

Infact he left their church because he wouldn't heed the pastor's advice

the falcon cannot hear the falconer.

babyosisi:

From the little I've seen and heard,I would have been gone if it were me.

;.

me too.
i love my husband with my whole being, but the day i look into his eyes and see nothing, and i mean nothing as in blank, zilch, nada, then i'll know its over.

spoilt:

me too.
i love my husband with my whole being, but the day i look into his eyes and see nothing, and i mean nothing as in blank, zilch, nada, then i'll know its over.

@spoilt,  don't let batu hear that o!!!


How can you leave your husband?! impposicant!! You will endanger your life and that of your children.

Or worse, if he decides to leave you and goes off with another woman, God forbid, which may be for years, then you begin to attack and deal with the situation "spiritually" hoping that one day, he will come back to his senses and postrate for you to forgive him. And like all those nollywood ladies, you both cry at the pain you both suffered, and then you live happily ever after. What a nice nollywood script.

@topic,

On a more serious note, every situation is unique and what works in a family might not work in another. People's feelings are not "taps" that can be turned on and off whenever one party feels like it. If a man or a woman, leaves his/herself vulnerableto "spiritual attacks" and goes off the marriage course, then there may be consequences Sometimes, the aggrieved party is willing and able to forgive and move on, sometimes they are not. We all have different tolerance levels. The fact that someone loves you doesn't mean that love should be exploited.

I understand clearly what batu is trying to say about keeping the family together, but at what cost? I admire the "courage" of the lady in batu's story but i can assure him things have changed. Some men just need to be more responsible.

@imani
i believe in the efficacy of prayer but i know when to get up from the kneeling position and start packing.

spoilt:

@imani
i believe in the efficacy of prayer but i know when to get up from the kneeling position and start packing.

ROFL

I'm at work here.
don't make them think I'm under the influence

batu:

@babyosisi,
You sure say the guy well so? Maybe dey don 'winch' am? Sorry, not that I am making light of a sad situation, but if it is true that the guy left church because 'he wont heed the pastor's advice', then that's a poor prognostic indicator; and it seriously points to a more spiritual rather than a physical root of the problem. Your friend will have to be ready for battle to keep what is hers'!!!. From the days of JtB till now, the kingdom of heaven suffereth violence and the violent taketh it by force. I am now more convinced that if she thinks it is over by packing up and going, then she is joking. Her life and destinies of her children is in danger.

The guy is probably under some "influence" and one of the first things such 'influence' will do is to keep him away from the sources of a 'stronger influence' e.g church or friends. He (i.e "the Jerk" is probably trying to frustrate your friend ("victim" into taking the "let's-call-a-spade-a-spade" sort of action. Let her resist it; if then he packs out, she should let him go physically but not emotionally and/or spiritually. Believe me, the aim is not just to destroy the guy, but also the lives of the children, and your friend too.
Has she contacted his family back home?, is she in good relationship with his family or not? The guys appears to be in trouble and needs 'help.' (I am sure I will probably be abused by the "spade-ists" that I am too old-fashioned; well, marriage with children is different from 'breaking-up' with a 'boyfriend' called 'Jerk' because he forgot to buy me flowers for valentine!)  I recently saw a man here in London who abandoned his family for another woman, but after seven years came back to prostrate and beg the wife. They are more blessed now than before, in all ramifications. What happened? the woman fought for what is hers "spiritually" through prayers; not by "calling-a-spade-a-spade" for her own sake and her children's sake. I am not saying there is another woman in this case o!, just an analogy. And let your friend also 'examine' herself, her past, her family pattern etc. If only we look deeper and more closely not with emotions, we'll usually see the source of problem.

That was actually my first impression.
I strongly think he has some mental issues going on coupled with everything else.
I have asked my friend what she thinks triggered this hatred towards her and all she could point to was a few years ago when he had felt betrayed by her.
There were some long time family friends that had "wronged them" and he stopped associating with them,the wife felt as a Christian they needed to be forgiven and mend their  relationship especially after the other couple had asked for forgiveness.
The wife after a while kept away from the other couple but his anger did not subside and today she is back in fellowship with the other couple since it seemed his plans was to alienate her from all contact with friends.

Who knows what other things are on his mind or what other stories she kept private but whatever it is,she's been willing to do couple conselling and he is not.

God bless that your "seven year without a husband" woman in that story.
She must have a gift of faith
I hope she made him take an STD test before she moved him back in.

Like cute ass says,the decision is ultimately hers,I know this is definitely a spiritual issue that needs heavy duty deliverance but the man here must recognize there is a problem.

My greatest fear like I said earlier is that this man may snap and do something silly.
There are several recent cases of Nigerian men  here in America strangling or hacking to death,women they swore to love and honor.
And in nearly all the cases I've read of, the woman met her untimely death either while  she was on the verge of leaving or had already left so sometimes the decision to leave could send these unstable men over the edge.

Somebody asked if she has a job,yes she does make a good living,perhaps more than he does.
He is in a good profession too so I'm sure he earns well.

isnt it strange that some men take the dog -in -a -manger approach? they have you in their home, wont show you any love or affection (which women need to thrive) and then turn around deranged and chop you up in bits if you decide to leave. i dont get it.

well babyosisi i dont like to tag every problem a spiritual one. its just plain old lust in action. when a man gets enamoured by another woman, he honestly forgets the wife of his youth.
if his problem is that she forgave some people who wronged them in the yester years then he honestly must be one bitter shrivelled soul.

i believe that if a woman is leaving a rocky marriage she should leave when her enstranged husband is not in the house and she should leave to an undisclosed location. i dont know what is in the water that men in america drink that makes them find their enstranged wives and kill them. its always like a joke till it actually happens.