I have asked myself if the troubles are worth it. If anything is worth fighting for. What happens at the end of the world? For me, to an extent, i am certain no one wins, we all lose at the end.

Too much fight, too much wars within and outside. Self Conflict, too much ambition, too much struggle to become: in a world full of too much obstacles, too much hate and limited love.

Too much unforgivness. Even the air I breathe is unforgiving and will be taken from me. And only the earth truly forgives when it receives a body. When the casket closes and the crowd returns home.

When I was a child, I gave Christianity and school every bit of me. I lived two sides of a coin; Christianity and education only to grow up to realize it's too many lies and a burden: too much dishonesty and manipulations. I have lost on both sides. It breaks me to know I have been played, lied to and manipulated emotionally through this coin.

The younger me! All those nights I watched our neighbor screaming hallelujah, calling a savior at the top of her voice just like millions of others. Still she lost her husband. How would she take care of 4 kids?
All those Sundays sitting beside my mother singing hymns and still lost her home. All those week-day vigils I cried with my eyes closed standing, praying and waving my hands relentlessly ending it in a solidarity fist pointed at the sky. Or perhaps it's just dedicated to the roof and ceiling fan in our place of worship because all those prayers/wishes never came to pass

Sometimes I wish I could whisper a message from the future to the younger me. Or maybe I did and still got it wrong. "Everything is education", " please don't jump no matter how long it's to get the best"... I wish I listened or maybe I did and look at me now! Fraustrated, angry and sad about everything. --- But atleast I quit drugs and alcohol over 10 years ago and never went back. Maybe that's the one battle I ever won.

But now I feel lonelier than ever. Just me, my phone, Nairaland and thousands of friends I may never meet before I self-destruct. I am afraid a father-figure who helped me to be on my feet, I may never meet

This is some premium depressing shit_

Ishilove:
This is some premium depressing shit_

I wish I saw it before op deleted.

.