I and my girl were talking about wives relationship with mother in laws this evening and the discussion took a personal turn.

she told me that she doesn't want a really close relationship with my family like she having to visit or them visiting. she said it leads to 'see finish' and also that during visits they could have issues with the fact that she has a bit of a temper.
she gave an example of her relationship with her own mum who she isn't so close to.

now unlike her relationship with her mum, mine is the total opposite. I love my whole family with my heart and they do too, especially my mum. she even calls to ask of this girl wellbeing and they have never met b4.

so I told her that one thing I can never tolerate is my wife giving my mum or siblings a cold shoulder when they have no prior faults just because stupid Nigeria films tag mother in laws as bad. I told her I will wholly bond my family, both nuclear and external and will make sure that they live in harmony. I cited one of my uncle who successfully did it.

she tried to tell me how my mother may find fault with her. I told her to get those stuff out of her head and better realize that I can never sabotage one part of my life because I want to build a new one with her.

at the end she gave up. however when it was time to sleep, she decided to sleep on the floor instead of the bed. the thing made me mad but I said nothing. I'm just thinking of what decision to make tommorow.

I'm so angry because she was already casting dark energy on people that she has never met. the same people that have already open their heart in love and care towards her when they heard about us. now tell me how won't there be a problem?

I know my family, there have been marriages and they have all be harmonious with no bad blood and a girl is already bracing up a fight. like for what?

why are women like this?
my mum is a good person. I mean, there was a time a sibling wanted to seperate with his woman. I supported it because it was toxic but my mum shut me up and mended it even though she really didnt like the fact that the woman was crazy. how can that person be a bad person. I just don't know how to explain it, but I know my mum, she will just remove hand from my matter if my girl give her trouble.

me and this girl have been supportive of each other but I affirm that if she give me a reason for any hitch, I will break up with her. we can continue business but I won't marry her. never!

Why not break up with her if you do not see yourself marrying her.

OP

I think your lady has fears from psychological traumas in the past, look at her failed relationship with her mum, remember she did not say she hate your mum, she said your mum will not like her, hence her casting of negative energy in your family.

She has a perception that was instilled from pain, you have to get her to open up about something serious she is not telling, believe me if you love her, this may take a whole 24 hours, probing and petting to get her to open up.

Most Ladies with temper, have a good heart, equally they are people who have had so many relational set backs.

And lastly, you need to pray about your relationship and ur woman, the clearest sign a person needs divine help is anger. Cheers

Doesn't sound like she insulted your family, in fact she was cognizant and self aware enough to highlight was she thinks are her own faults. I think you're overreacting and if this is something you want to break up about, by all means go ahead and don't waste the girl's time.

I don't know anything about your mum but you sound like one of those husbands who automatically sides with his mum by default with barely any fair reasoning (I'm not saying you are, you just sound like it from your post). See your dismissive attitude towards the complex she clearly has about her own mum smh...

I'd like to add that the mother in law trope isn't just a Nollywood myth, it's very real and it's the women that tend to be on the receiving end of it

Edit: Maybe I was a bit harsh to you OP, I still think you're being dismissive but whilst I understand she has a complex, I think your babe should give a relationship a try first before ruling your family out since apparently she hasn't met them. After giving them a fair chance she can come to an informed conclusion

ibkayee:
Doesn't sound like she insulted your family, in fact she was cognizant and self aware enough to highlight was she thinks are her own faults. I think you're overreacting and if this is something you want to break up about, by all means go ahead and don't waste the girl's time.

I don't know anything about your mum but you sound like one of those husbands who automatically sides with his mum by default with barely any fair reasoning (I'm not saying you are, you just sound like it from your post). See your dismissive attitude towards the complex she clearly has about her own mum smh...

I'd like to add that the mother in law trope isn't just a Nollywood myth, it's very real and it's the women that tend to be on the receiving end of it

By the time you become a MIL, you'd change mouth.

Seriously, why do you women hate each other?

Karleb:


By the time you become a MIL, you'd change mouth.

Seriously, why do you women hate each other?

What does this even mean? Are all MILs faultless? Whether I become one or not doesn't change the fact that there are some nasty ones

I didn't say his mum was nasty either, just pointed out the validity and most probable root his girl's concerns

ibkayee:

What does this even mean? Are all MILs faultless? Whether I become one or not doesn't change the fact that there are some nasty ones

I didn't say his mum was nasty either, just pointed out the validity and most probable root his girl's concerns

MIL this, MIL that.

What about DIL? How do you even have issues with someone you've never met?

.

Karleb:


MIL this, MIL that.

What about DIL? How do you even have issues with someone you've never met?

Well I mentioned MIL because the OP brought it up. I don't know anything about his mum, I'm not necessarily labelling her anything

Lol his babe clearly has some kind of psychologically complex over this and all you and the OP can think of is yaselves, "me me me"

ibkayee:

Well I mentioned MIL because the OP brought it up. I don't know anything about his mum, I'm not necessarily labelling her anything

Lol his babe clearly has some kind of psychologically complex over this and all you and the OP can think of is yaselves, "me me me"

According to the narrative, the lady is actually the me person here.

If you are marrying as a lady, you marry into a family. How would a lady say she doesn't want to visit or want her in-laws to visit? Only way to achieve this feat is to join witches and kill all the in-laws.


Please, let's not encourage bad things.

Do note she has never met the MIL she doesn't want to relate with.

She is honest and straight forward . Does not pretend. A lot of girls will pretend to get along before marriage only to burst out after marriage.

I think she finds it difficult bonding up with people. She is highly sekective and takes time to form relationship.

Karleb:


According to the narrative, the lady is actually the me person here.

If you are marrying as a lady, you marry into a family. How would a lady say she doesn't want to visit or want her in-laws to visit? Only way to achieve this feat is to join witches and kill all the in-laws.


Please, let's not encourage bad things.

Do note she has never met the MIL she doesn't want to relate with.

Lol witches ke

We see things differently I guess

I'm not seeing a lady who wants to have bad blood with her in laws intentionally

I see a person with past trauma with her mum who is anxious about the relationship she may have with his family. Avoiding them completely isn't the most realistic/practical route to take admittedly, I think she should at least try since apparently hasn't even met them

I see a lady being cautious to a bit of a fault (arguably)

I see a guy who is passionate about his family, which is nice and fine but I guess he doesn't quite grasp (or is ignoring) the psychological implications of his babe's matter and is being a bit dismissive and over-simplistic

ibkayee:

Lol witches ke

We see things differently I guess

I'm not seeing a lady who wants to have bad blood with her in laws intentionally

I see a person with past trauma with her mum who is anxious about the relationship she may have with his family. Avoiding them completely isn't the most realistic/practical route to take admittedly, I think she should at least try since apparently hasn't even met them

I see a lady being cautious to a bit of a fault (arguably)

I see a guy who is passionate about his family, which is nice and fine but I guess he doesn't quite grasp (or is ignoring) the psychological implications of his babe's matter and is being a bit dismissive and over-simplistic

I was going to agree with you until I read those last lines.

But then, you have written well.

Karleb:


I was going to agree with you until I read those last lines.

But then, you have written well.

I guess we semi agree

OP they don’t need to have a close bond or relationship.

What they need is mutual respect and you’re golden.
Forced closeness can lead to issues .
Just let it flow naturally . If it happens or happens. If it doesn’t then it doesn’t.

As long as she doesn’t disrespect your family and they don’t disrespect her, I can’t think of how trouble could arise .

Some attitude can be improved on. It's a good thing you know her weak area, teach her! But since her mind is set, she needs gradual counseling.

Honestly, I understand that lady point of fear and worry. I have been married for 12 years now and I must tell you that, distance relationship is the best form of relationship to have, especially with brothers and sisters in law from the husband side.
As for your mother, she's got no problem, once your girl is respectful, humble and caring and also Carrys your mother like an egg, she will definitely wins the love of your siblings and she will get along well with your mother, hence you should assured her of that.
As for your brothers and sisters, make dem dey do August visitor abeg.
And you Op, no go carry your family too much for head you hear, reason your wife too as well, you be like who go dey do my brother my sister too much....
That lady is just scared of having issues with your people. She needs your assurance to always be there for her, to protect her from any family uprising against her... Before husband people go like you as a wife, omo, you've got to make alot of self sacrifice, respect and must have shown self humility before them all. Las Las op, call that lady and assure her of your protection and love, she is just scared...

@Brume01, if the both of you don't share similar view(s) about family, it would be in the best interest of the both you to go your separate ways to save you both lots of stresses and disagreements in the future.

No good relationship should suffer for another.

ststyreal:
Honestly, I understand that lady point of fear and worry. I have been married for 12 years now and I must tell you that, distance relationship is the best form of relationship to have, especially with brothers and sisters in law from the husband side.
As for your mother, she's got no problem, once your girl is respectful, humble and caring and also Carrys your mother like an egg, she will definitely wins the love of your siblings and she will get along well with your mother, hence you should assured her of that.
As for your brothers and sisters, make dem dey do August visitor abeg.
And you Op, no go carry your family too much for head you hear, reason your wife too as well, you be like who go dey do my brother my sister too much....
That lady is just scared of having issues with your people. She needs your assurance to always be there for her, to protect her from any family uprising against her... Before husband people go like you as a wife, omo, you've got to make alot of self sacrifice, respect and must have shown self humility before them all. Las Las op, call that lady and assure her of your protection and love, she is just scared...

you are so right.

I reacted terribly yesterday ( Good thing was that I never expressed it at her, I was only boiling inside)

we talked a lot today. she told me that some things I tend to tolerate like her screaming when she wants to be heard, may be extremely offensive to my people.

she feels that will make them feel she is a bad person and all. so I understand her point.

the truth is she is a good woman and also try to learn. I know she may have forgotten but since I last admonished her not to raise her voice at me during arguments she had not repeated it ( and that's a big deal for a lady that has been used to screaming as a form of defense)

my own part is the fact that my mum actually hold her in high esteem and I just felt that she should At least open her heart to give them a chance. i don't entertain frequent visits from siblings but at least if they stroll come they shouldn't been tension.

the funny thing is that I told her I will Also love to entertain her family as guests but she wasn't too game for it. I know why though, I have seen some of her people and all I can say that the oppression she got from her own mother who got married another man still stings.

Mariangeles:
@Brume01, if the both of you don't share similar view(s) about family, it would be in the best interest of the both you to go your separate ways to save you both lots of stresses and disagreements in the future.

No good relationship should suffer for another.

we talked about it today and well she reluctantly let go of her fears. so we will see what the next two year hold for us.

and as for breakup she won't agree to it except on the ground of cheating. she always believe we can sort out all issues as long as it is not infedility

Brume01:


you are so right.

I reacted terribly yesterday ( Good thing was that I never expressed it at her, I was only boiling inside)

we talked a lot today. she told me that some things I tend to tolerate like her screaming when she wants to be heard, may be extremely offensive to my people.

she feels that will make them feel she is a bad person and all. so I understand her point.

the truth is she is a good woman and also try to learn. I know she may have forgotten but since I last admonished her not to raise her voice at me during arguments she had not repeated it ( and that's a big deal for a lady that has been used to screaming as a form of defense)

my own part is the fact that my mum actually hold her in high esteem and I just felt that she should At least open her heart to give them a chance. i don't entertain frequent visits from siblings but at least if they stroll come they shouldn't been tension.

the funny thing is that I told her I will Also love to entertain her family as guests but she wasn't too game for it. I know why though, I have seen some of her people and all I can say that the oppression she got from her own mother who got married another man still stings.

Don't worry, just assure her of your love and support always, you will definitely allay her fears and she will be fine.

Brother forget that girl.... Never marry a woman, who don't love your family and also, never take an advice from a woman....That has to do with relationship .

You need help her address the underlying cause of her resentment towards others.

Yusufisraelj:
OP

I think your lady has fears from psychological traumas in the past, look at her failed relationship with her mum, remember she did not say she hate your mum, she said your mum will not like her, hence her casting of negative energy in your family.

She has a perception that was instilled from pain, you have to get her to open up about something serious she is not telling, believe me if you love her, this may take a whole 24 hours, probing and petting to get her to open up.

Most Ladies with temper, have a good heart, equally they are people who have had so many relational set backs.

And lastly, you need to pray about your relationship and ur woman, the clearest sign a person needs divine help is anger. Cheers

I agree with your 3 paragraph.

Karleb:


MIL this, MIL that.

What about DIL? How do you even have issues with someone you've never met?

Am a female but I must tell you the truth most MIL are something else they tend to fault their especially their sons fiancee or daughter in-law for no reason.

That's why most ladies that wants to visit her parents in-law for the first time are more scared of the mother inlaw to be r than the father.

NB: that doesn't mean your mum is like that you can still talk things out together.

Brume01:


we talked about it today and well she reluctantly let go of her fears. so we will see what the next two year hold for us.

and as for breakup she won't agree to it except on the ground of cheating. she always believe we can sort out all issues as long as it is not infedility

@your last paragraph; That babe is matured.

There are good in laws as well as bad in laws. If she continues reasoning like this, am afraid you have a long way to go

Some people are naturally like that while some took up that nature as a result of past ordeal with people.

Some people can abuse previlleges. For instance, like she rightly said, if you get too close to some people they'll lose respect for you and start acting up. I've experienced this a lot and decided to be on my own but now everyone is saying I'm wicked and pompous but I DONT CARE!!!. So I understand her drift and expect you @OP to understand her worries. Though I do not plan to do it to my in-laws but then I'll be very cautious and Know how and when to withdraw without their notice.

Op, if you're not down with her principles, free her and don't waste her time.

Brume01:
I and my girl were talking about wives relationship with mother in laws this evening and the discussion took a personal turn.

she told me that she doesn't want a really close relationship with my family like she having to visit or them visiting. she said it leads to 'see finish' and also that during visits they could have issues with the fact that she has a bit of a temper.
she gave an example of her relationship with her own mum who she isn't so close to.

now unlike her relationship with her mum, mine is the total opposite. I love my whole family with my heart and they do too, especially my mum. she even calls to ask of this girl wellbeing and they have never met b4.

so I told her that one thing I can never tolerate is my wife giving my mum or siblings a cold shoulder when they have no prior faults just because stupid Nigeria films tag mother in laws as bad. I told her I will wholly bond my family, both nuclear and external and will make sure that they live in harmony. I cited one of my uncle who successfully did it.

she tried to tell me how my mother may find fault with her. I told her to get those stuff out of her head and better realize that I can never sabotage one part of my life because I want to build a new one with her.

at the end she gave up. however when it was time to sleep, she decided to sleep on the floor instead of the bed. the thing made me mad but I said nothing. I'm just thinking of what decision to make tommorow.

I'm so angry because she was already casting dark energy on people that she has never met. the same people that have already open their heart in love and care towards her when they heard about us. now tell me how won't there be a problem?

I know my family, there have been marriages and they have all be harmonious with no bad blood and a girl is already bracing up a fight. like for what?

why are women like this?
my mum is a good person. I mean, there was a time a sibling wanted to seperate with his woman. I supported it because it was toxic but my mum shut me up and mended it even though she really didnt like the fact that the woman was crazy. how can that person be a bad person. I just don't know how to explain it, but I know my mum, she will just remove hand from my matter if my girl give her trouble.

me and this girl have been supportive of each other but I affirm that if she give me a reason for any hitch, I will break up with her. we can continue business but I won't marry her. never!

Since you said in another post that she would only break up for infidelity, then she needs to embrace your family.

If she can't solidify the relationship with your family, she shouldn't ruin it with her coldness.

Even if she has a terrible relationship with her own family, she must follow your standard and have a cordial relationship with yours and not hinder your relations with them.

It would be wise to lay your cards openly on the table.

The behaviour of your babe is a big red flag. It is one thing to have fears and another to reject compromise outeightlu as she did by sleeping on the floor. That is a very manipulative act.

It is true that many mother's are the best to their children but don't act right with their daughter in laws.

She might have been exposed to circumstances that make her weary of being close with her in-laws but she can not write them off especially when her own partner doesn't plan to.

If she knows that she has a bad temper, she should work on herself instead of avoiding people.

You also need to know that because you are close to your family doesn't mean that they would be accepting of your babe after you marry her.

My greatest worry here is the attitude of your babe and not really the reservations that she put forward. One's attitude to life's issues is what would determine the bigger picture.