A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

Marriage Joke

A man sits for 4 hours looking at the Marriage Certificate.

The Wife asks? What are you doing? And he answered: "I'm looking for the Expiry Date".

I hope he signed for a contracted marriage of short term only.

A man killed his wife and was charged to court. The judge asked him, "why did you do it?"

"My lord", he said, "I am a simple man of simple habits. Every day after work I come into my house at exactly 6.00pm, and I go straight to the dining room to eat my dinner. After that I watch TV for 2 hours and go straight to bed"

"But what does this have to do with the killing of your wife?"

The man continued, "Yesterday, I came home at exactly 6.00pm and went into the dining room for my dinner. My dinner was not on the table, so I went into our bedroom where I found her sleeping with another man."

Finally the judge understood, "so is this why you killed your wife?"

"Yes, my lord. I am a simple man of simple habits. When I come into the house at exactly 6.00pm in the evening, I absolutely insist that my dinner must be on the table!"

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed
either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make
amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the
irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

FANTASTIC!

A man was walking across the road when he met with an accident.The impact was on his head which caused him to be in a coma for 2 days.When he opened his eyes, his wife was by his side.

He told her (intears),"When I was struggling with my studies in the university,I failed again and again. Sometimes I even had to retake the papers.You were there by my side, encouraging me to go on trying."

She squeezed his hands as he continued,When I went for major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs,you were there,cutting out the jobs ads for me to apply..."

He added,"...then I started working in this little firm and finally got a big contract. I blew it because of a small mistake. but you are still there for me."

His wife was in tears. The man said," I finally got a job after being laid off for quite sometime.But I never seemed to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now.you are still beside me..."

His wife's tears trickled down as she listened to him,"And now I met with an accident and when I woke up, you are here with me. There's something i'll really like to say to you..." she flung herself on the bed and hugged her husband,sobbing with deep emotion.

Finally her husband said,"I think you bring me bad luck."

The man had a wrong perception of the whole issue.
This man ought to cherish and thank this woman for being there for him at all times, especially in times of trouble and trials.

He suppose to thank God for giving him a wife who endures and exhibit her unfailing love to him, this type of woman is scarce in our society nowadays.

They are all looking for "Olorunsogo" not "Surulere"

The man missed it all sha!

# A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail. > Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To : My Loving Wife
Subject : I got here safely
Date : 16 May 2004
Message: I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mail. Miss you tons, I really wish you came here with me.

.. courtesy of hot-angel

A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.

He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.

"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.

He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.

By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."

The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.

This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."

"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"

Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, " The airbag."

What a Woman Wants in a Man

What I Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age 22)
-----------------------------------
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 32)
-----------------------------------
1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)
----------------------------------
1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 52)
----------------------------------
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 62)
----------------------------------
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Doesn't forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 72)
----------------------------------
1. Breathing

A man and his wife were driving home after a heated argument. they drove past a piggery and the wife pointed to some pigs digging the ground with their noses and playing around and she said, "see your family members"
The husband replied, "Yes, my in-laws."

A husband asks his wife, "If I should die first, would you marry again"

"I would be heartbroken, of course," was her reply, "but I think eventually I would remarry."

"But you wouldn't bring him here to our house would you"

"Why not I've worked and slaved to make this house a home. There is no reason to abandon it."

"But you wouldn't sleep in our bed"

"Well, I wouldn't run out and buy a new bed right away."

"Surely, you wouldn't let him use my golf clubs"

"Of course not He's left handed"

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, ''Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.''


The man said, ''Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.''


The Lord said, ''Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me.''


The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, ''Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.''


The Lord replied, ''You want two lanes or four on that bridge?''

A SPECIAL BREAKFAST

A GLASS OF CARE

A PLATE OF LOVE

A SPOON OF PEACE

A FORK OF TRUST

A BOWL OF PRAYER.

ENJOY THE MEAL.

Bad Food

A Doctor was addressing a large audience:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

[Moved to Joke, etc]

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