CV
Name: Philip Okoteoburu.
Address: 34 Obuonye Drive, Gariki, Enugu.
E-mail:philip_smack_that_ass@yahoo.com
Sex: Yes, please.
Marital status: Experienced, combat-ready, martial artist*
Telephone: Will buy one with first salary
*
Oh you mean Marital, not, Martial Status. Uncertain. I have no idea where my “wife” is. Or if I am still legally married.

Profile:
I like to keep a low profile to avoid certain unsavory characters in my not-very-distant past.

Objectives:
I am interested in a high-paying salary for any job involving getting to play with guns and electric-shock guns. A sexy and nubile boss will be considered an added advantage for extra-curricular activities. Friends with benefits packages would be appreciated.
Education:
Nika Black School of the Young (O’ Level) -2000
Eagle Claw Dojo (5th Dan Black Belt Shokotan Karate) -2005
Enugu State University—ESUT (Eshoot! Geddit? Ha ha!)(Certification in Question) -2010?
Experience:
Very experienced ;-D
Madam Natasha Pleasure Plaza (Commodity Exchange Facilitator aka
Pleasure Interchange Managing Personnel— love-vendor) -2003
Boobs Xposed Video Shop -Jan, 3-12 2004
Fixxx It Productions (Actor and stagehand) -Off and on since 2006
INEC (Ballot box Transporting Escort—Extra-legal duties) -Election years only
Awka Metal Works (Gun-shop apprentice) -2006

Languages:
Pidgin English (Wafarian, Lagosian, Calabari, Northern and OTU Dialects), Igbo and Yoruba.

Personal Interests:
Gambling, bullying, Yahooze! artisting.

References:
Akogun Master.
Ogun State political juggernaut.

Isaac Okon
MEND Representative.


COVER LETTER

5 O. O. A. Drive
Behind Old Apiam Way,
Across No Man’s Land
Highway 29
(Inaccessible to postal service.
Mails may be dropped off at
Mama Eko’s Beer Parlor)

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN
This is a cover letter. I’m not sure what it means but I have some ideas. However, I will make sure I cover all angles. So whichever foots the bill, you may accept.

1. This is to certify that I will be sick anytime I am absent from work. It hereby covers any unforeseen discomfort I may cause your company or which your company may wish to cause me as a result. This will take care of it (it’d better do).
2. This is to certify that I did not do it—whatever that is—and was not there when the deed was done nor will I be held responsible for any similar future deed whose outcome is or will not be beneficial to me.
3. This letter is too small to cover me. I may need to write on a bigger sheet or wear clothes and place the cover letter on top for appearance sake.
4. This is to cover the off-chance that in my absence, money may be shared. I hereby testify that I am present in spirit, even if not in body. Any entitlement due to me must be paid in full. Interest will be paid per day (5%) until at such a time when I become bodily present, and thus upon reception.
The above must be acknowledged at all times. Any disregard of the aforementioned rights of mine will be death dealt with by extreme use of brute force with decidedly disastrous consequences which will lead to probable loss of life and limb.

Thanks for your unwilling, yet expected, cooperation.

Yours indefinite liability,
Signed by proxy:
ChikeNdalu
Chike Ndalu
Signed by hyperproxy:
NwokenusiaoguIke
Nwokenusiaogu Ike.

P.S.: The proxy signatures are for untraceability. You may not attempt to trace me. Any attempt to do so will be deterred by the proxies.


REFERENCE LETTER

I believe that I am the most recent employer of this candidate. If this is not true, then this is a case for the infinity of human stupidity.
The candidate is very careful in making mistakes, punctual to observe chronic tardiness and enthusiastic in causing havoc. He is extremely dangerous when placed in a position to handle certain metal instruments. He is predisposed to temper tantrums and cannot resist the urge to physically attack superiors. As a karate expert who comes to work armed, he is a formidable workplace challenge. Being priapric and having a set of hyperactive gonads does not make the challenge any less difficult. It is not uncommon to find him behind locked office and storage room doors with one or several female staff (or customers-he seems not to care either way) with orgasmic noises from the room disrupting work proceedings. This severely cuts down productive (but certainly not reproductive) man (but more often, woman) hours. A case in point: In a recent row with his boss over an incident, (if you would call locking his boss out of his office while having his way with the boss’ wife an incident), he gravely assaulted him, leaving him battered and unconscious. Of course, no one was courageous (or foolhardy) enough to intervene.
On the other hand, he is almost invaluable in debt collection though not everything collected is usually reported. Also his blackmailing, gambling and extortion skills milk the customer dry and his shylock tactics and strategies cut production costs to a third of the norm. However, the gains of having this employee are sadly outweighed by the losses and my current black eye, my arm in a sling and my wife’s current pregnancy has something to say for that opinion.

Yours sincerely crippled,
Former boss.

You have the JOB,no need for interview resume with immediate effect