I came home from work. I was tired. I sat down on the sofa. Put my feet up. My wife brought me a glass of water. My son gave me a sheet of paper:

English Lang. 17%
Biology 35%
Mathematics 40%
Physics 37%
Chemistry 42%
Economics 12%
Agric. Science 19%
Religion Knowl. ABS
Geography 22%

I lost my temper.

And started shouting: "What is this? All the time on phone and TV. How dare you show me such marks?"

My Wife said: "Be patient. Listen...."

I told her: "Shut up! It's your love and pampering that has spoilt him. He is no good and never serious at all."

My Wife said: "Oh! Really?"

I said: "No one in our family has performed so badly ever."

My Son said: "Dad, I am sorry. I was cleaning the old cupboard and I found this. This is your old school report card, dated 27th July 1980 sir."

I've you experienced the long queue at ATM points these days? I wonder where the recession everyone keep shouting about is coming from.

Yesterday afternoon, I tried to check if I still have some money in my account. After staying in the queue behind a guy for about 45 minutes, a girl walked up to me and said, "Please sir, I'm in front of your back."

Out of annoyance, I replied, "Come and stay in the center of my front!"

I asked a friend of mine what he is doing. He told me, he is working on, "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment".

I was impressed! On further asking, I learnt that he was washing dishes with hot water... under his wife's supervision!

An accident occurred today, 11 persons were injured, 12 died. So the Minister of Health promised to offer N5,000 to the injured and N6million to the dead for their funeral.

One of the injured got up and laid where the dead were...

One of the dead shouted, "Bros, go back to your place, do not bring confusion here, they have counted us already!"

A policeman stopped a motorist and his friend on the road and after checking his car papers and driver's license which were intact, the following conversation ensued...

POLICEMAN: If you start feeling sick on the steering, who would drive this car home?

MOTORIST: I don't intend to fall sick officer, but thank God I have my friend here. if I fall sick, he will drive me home.

POLICEMAN: (turns to his friend) Where is your driver's license?

FRIEND: I don't have one.

POLICEMAN: You are under arrest for intent to drive without a license!

A man is angry because he has it in his head that someone stole his wallet. He walks into a church to steal someone else's wallet, but he has a change of heart during the service.

He confesses to the priest afterwards about what his intentions had initially been. The priest asks, "What made you change your mind?"

The man says, "In your sermon on the Ten Commandments when you got to 'Thou shall not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left my wallet!"

A man went to Reddington Hospital in Victoria Island Lagos and saw a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read:

"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. The annual salary is N4.2million, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Badagry."

"My God! Is that where the job is?" asked the man.

She answered, "No sir, that's where the end of the queue is."

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbour owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $1,000 he owed you," said the lawyer.

"But it’s only $500," replied the man.

"Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your Proof!"

Those of you who your Facebook profile says, "Living in UK and working in Ife or Lagos."

I'm not saying you are lying.

I'm just bothered... How are you coping with the transport fare?

Types of the Bachelor

23-26 years -- Bachelor I

27-29 years -- Senior Bachelor

30-33 years -- Principal Bachelor

34-37 years - Deputy Chief Bachelor

38-40 years -- Chief Bachelor Grade II

41-48 years -- Bachelor General

49 years -- Life Bachelor/Field Marshal

Below are the 10 Funny Quotes of the year so far...

Whenever things seem to start going well in your life, the devil comes along and gives you a 'girlfriend'

Dating a slim/slender guy is cool... the problem is when you are lying on his chest then his ribs draw Adidas lines on your face.

Respect pregnant women because it's not easy walking around with evidence that you've had sex.

Some of the girls of today can't even jog for 5 mins but they expect a guy to last in bed with you for 2 hours! Your level of selfishness demands a one week crusade.

I stopped trusting ladies when my Primary 3 girlfriend left me for another boy all because he bought a sharpener with a mirror

Being dumped by a dark skinned girl is the worst thing ever! Because anytime you get home and see charcoal, you become emotional.

If is every man's dream to remove a woman's pant one day, but NOT when it's on a drying line.

Sometimes you look back at girls you spent money on rather than send it to your mum and you realise witchcraft is real.

A brave man is he who has a running stomach and still wants to fart (mess)

My dear ladies, please don't buy a selfie stick when your armpit itself needs a shaving stick

Two terrorists having a discussion in a bar. The waiter asks them what the discussion was about?

TERRORIST: We are planning to kill 14,000 people and a donkey.

WAITER: Why a donkey?

Then the other terrorist says to the other, "See, I told you nobody will care about the 14,000 people

RISKY BUSINESS

ME: Hi cutie.

HER: Hi.

ME: I think you're awesome.

HER: Thank you.

ME: Can I go out with you on Friday?

HER: What do you do for a living?

ME: I analyse and invest in risky business opportunities that have possibilities of high returns.

HER: Wow, that's amazing. So like stock exchange or something like that?

ME: Bigger than that, I deal with international investments, analysing and investing in business opportunities in England, Spain, Germany and just to mention a few.

HER: (smiling) Okay, that explains your good looks all through! I can go out with you.

ME: (If only she knew I was talking about football betting)

[i][/i]
An elderly man boarded a bus at a Bus Stop in Lagos heading home to Ikeja. Typical of Lagos bus stops, and the rushes by commuters to get on board, one of the commuters who boarded was this 80-year-old man, once on board he struggled and got a seat.

Just as he sat down, he discovered his wallet had been stolen from his back pocket. As the bus moved on quietly into the night, a loud voice was heard from the back of the bus, "WHOEVER TOOK MY WALLET SHOULD RETURN IT OR ELSE WHAT HAPPENED IN1967 WILL REPEAT ITSELF!".

He repeated this again and again much louder. Sudden dead silence and fear engulfed the bus. Voices in whispers were heard on the bus asking, "What happened in 1967?"

Everyone in the bus started begging, "Whoever did this should please bring the wallet out."

The man who stole the wallet became afraid, he quickly dropped the wallet and kicked it near the old man and in a short while, a young lady shouted pointing underneath the seats, "Sir, see the wallet."

Great sigh of relief it was with the find. The old man came down at Ikeja and continued his homeward journey. An inquisitive young youth corper who was on the same bus, who also came down, walked briskly close and asked the old man, "Sorry sir, but what Happened in 1967?"

The man replied, "Son, in 1967 a similar event occured and you know what... I TREKKED HOME

A young woman, several months pregnant, boarded a bus and sat opposite a young man, he smiled. Feeling embarrassed, she changed her seat. But it was to no avail, for the young man smiled even more broadly when she sat down.

Again, she moved to another seat, he grinned and again after the fourth move, the young man just rolled up and roared with laughter. The woman complained and duly had him summoned to court...

JUDGE: Well, young man, have you anything to say in your defense against this charge?

YOUNG MAN: Well, your Honor, when the young lady entered the bus, her condition was obvious. However, that did not prompt my smile, but she sat under an advertisement that read: "Coming shortly - The Gold Rush Twins." The lady seemed indignant when I smiled and she got up and took another seat beneath a shaving stick advertisement, which read: "William's stick did the trick." She moved a third time and sat beneath a poster that read: "Sloane's liniments will remove swelling." "It was after she had moved her seat fourth time that I lost control of my merriment for above her was a slogan: "Dunlop Rubber Goods would have prevented this accident."

The Judge dismissed the complaint!

A man saw a catholic sister and decided to give her a lift in his car. After a while, the man placed his hand on the sister's laps pretending he was looking for the gear lever.

The sister looked at him and said, "Matthew 7:7" so he quickly removed his hand.

After some time, he did the same thing again, the sister said, "Matthew 7:7" so he nervously took off his hand.

The sister reached her destination, highlighted from the car and left.

A little while letter, the man curiously googled the bible chapter, Matthew 7:7 on his phone and saw, "ASK AND IT SHALL BE GIVEN UNTO YOU.

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room. The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.

The first guy says, "I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday."

The second guy says, "Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a traveling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also manage to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third guy says, "Well, well, well congratulations! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion specially for his friend."

The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of theirs sons. The forth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked, "What's going on, what are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said, "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons." And then he asked, "What about your son?"

The forth man replied, My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said, "What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel."

The fourth man replied, "No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends."

A man who bed wets went to see a psychiatrist...

PSYCHIATRIST: Does a dream usually precede your bed-wetting?

MAN: Yes.

PSYCHIATRIST: Tell me how it happens.

MAN: A little demon appears to me in my sleep and says, "Hey... Let us pee". Then, I wake up to see the bed wet with my urine.

PSYCHIATRIST: This is what you must do. If the demon comes tonight and tells you "let us pee", just reply him that you have already peed.

The man left and returned the following day with tears streaming down his face.

PSYCHIATRIST: Why are you weeping? Didn't my therapy work?

MAN: You have worsened my case!

PSYCHIATRIST: What? How?

MAN: When the demon came, I told him I'd already peed. Then he said, "OK, let us sh*t!

At a restaurant in Lagos... WAITER: Would you like a table? ME: No. Not at all... I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please?

A Man went to the Police station in Lagos to report a robbery incident...

MAN: I was robbed to at gun point!

POLICE: What happened?

MAN: Someone snatched my wallet. I was about to shout "thief" when 3 heavy slaps landed on my face. I didn't see anything for 30 minutes except stars!

POLICE: Can you describe the stars?

Two Friends were walking home and a lady was blowing a kiss to Kwame from the window of a storey building.

1ST FRIEND: Oh boy, it's like that woman is blowing a kiss to me!

2ND FRIEND: Brother, leave her oh, don't mind her.

The woman then signaled to Kwame to come...

1ST FRIEND: Oh boy, the girl is calling me oh.

2ND FRIEND: Bro, don't go oh!

1ST FRIEND: Why are you telling me not to go? Sweet Woman like that is calling me, and you are
saying I should not go?

2ND FRIEND: Bro, please don't go, don't go!!

The 1st friend ignored him and went over to the woman, she went to meet him and they both went upstairs. Suddenly, as they were about to have fun, they heard the sound of a car's honk.

WOMAN: (on opening the window) Ha! It's my husband oh!!

1ST FRIEND: Wow!!! I'm finished!

WOMAN: Don't worry, just pretend that you are the dry cleaner and iron these clothes (pointing at a load of clothes).

The 1st Friend spent the whole day ironing the clothes because the husband never left that day again.

The next day, the 1st friend came over to the 2nd friend's place.

1ST FRIEND: Oh boy! Do you know that it was clothes that I ironed throughout yesterday at that woman's place?

2ND FRIEND: Didn't I tell you not to go? All that clothes that you ironed, I was the one that washed them a day before yesterday

My mum is too religious! Over 30 pictures of Jesus Christ hanging on our wall. I grew up thinking he was my uncle.

A very fat woman was about strangling the driver of a taxi she boarded. After being separated by passersby, the woman was asked what the taxi driver did.

She said, "When I came down from this taxi, the driver shouted, 'Space for three'".

Just of recent, a teacher, a garbage/dustbin collector, and a lawyer died and met themselves at the Pearly Gates of heaven. St. Peter told them that in order to get into Heaven, each of them would have to answer a question, anyone who answers his question right would be allowed into heaven.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg?"

The teacher had watched a movie about it. The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."

St. Peter allowed him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage collector and, figuring Heaven didn't really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder, he was asked, "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the garbage man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter." St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them!"

Takes car to a mechanic... AMERICAN MECHANIC: We need to run some tests before we know the problem NIGERIA MECHANIC: On am! Off am! On am again! Off am... Oga na radiator.

One rainy day, an old man was standing with a book for sale.

AY came to buy the book. He bought the book for 2,000 Naira.

The old man advised, "DON'T OPEN THE LAST PAGE OF THE BOOK otherwise, you'll face problems."

AY finished the book with great fear but didn't open the last page.

But, after a week, out of curiosity, he opened the last page and he almost fainted with what he saw.

This is what he saw
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Selling Price: 20 Naira

This is a story about four people named, Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when actually Nobody asked Anybody

7 TRUE FACTS ABOUT YOUR BODY

1. You cannot count your hair.

2. You cannot put soap in your eyes.

3. You cannot breathe through your nose with your tongue out.

4. You did No.3

5. When you did No.3, you realized it's possible, but only you look like a dog.

6. You're smiling right now because I fooled you.

7. Share this so you can have your revenge too

A very wealthy man had a Birthday party and he invited everyone in his town. In his Mansion, he had a big pool filled with alligators. So he announced that anyone who was able to swim across the pool and come out unarmed would be granted three wishes.

Immediately, there was complete silence, nobody wanted to risk his or her life. All of a Sudden, there was a big splash and AY was swimming like hell! He successfully came out alive.

He was then given a round of applause. Everyone was anxious to know what gave AY the courage to do it, but then, the host asked, "What are your three wishes?"

AY replied, "Give me a shotgun, 3 rounds of shells (bullets) and show me the idiot who pushed me inside the Pool!."